Wednesday, February 29, 2012

My personal calling: frustrated and confused

I am really enjoying Mike Breen and Steve Cockram's book 'Building A Discipling Culture.' It is an easy read, and it "clicks" with me. I have read through chapter 10, and so far there has only been one chapter that I wasn't too thrilled with (ch. 9 - the square).

However, even though I thought ch. 10 - on Personal Calling - was fantastic, I have to admit that it has left me very frustrated and confused. Not because of what they wrote, but because I have never really been able to nail down what I am after years of discernment and taking various tests. At any rate, they discuss three aspects of our personal calling: The Fivefold Ministry (APEST, with base and phase), being an introvert or extrovert, and whether one is more pioneering or more of a developer.

I really like how they differentiated between spiritual gifts and ministry. They say a spiritual gift is not a ministry in itself, but is rather a tool to use for the job at hand. And that the fivefold ministry model is actually not just for leaders, but that this is for EVERYONE (everyone leans toward either an apostle, prophet, evangelist, shepherd or teacher). This was news to me (the idea of everyone), but makes sense.

It can make all the sense in the world though, but I still don't know what I am. Shoot, I don't even know if I am more right-handed or left-handed. And maybe that's part of my problem. What if I'm not really just "one way"? What if I truly am an equal mix of apostle, prophet, evangelist, pastor and teacher? What if I am equally introverted and extroverted? What if I am both pioneering and developer? I don't know... I really wish I could find someone to help me work through this, but I just don't know who I would ask.

I have always thought of myself as more of a prophet. From early on that is what I used to score highest as in spiritual gifts tests. However, I think I have grown in other areas since then, and I really do not know now. In the past five years I have scored highest as an apostle in apest testing, with prophet and evangelist close behind.

Even the difference between extrovert and introvert is hard for me. I certainly need time by myself - like an introvert. But I also require time with others. I would guess I am perhaps more introverted than extroverted, but - like I heard Dave Fitch say once - I really do think I test high in both (and I do). So it's confusing.

It's the same way with trying to decide if I am more pioneering or more of a developer. I am both, fairly strongly.

So... I don't know. I don't really even know if it would be helpful for me to really try to figure this out, or if it's just a waste of time and I should just forget about it. I think it would probably do me a lot of good to try to find someone to help me work through this though. I don't know if a counselor is the answer, or just a good mentor. Hmm...