I am hoping that I had my last cigarette last night. I was staring at a full moon as I did it. I remember having the inner sleeve from the Tom Petty album hanging on my wall at one time where he is doing such. It's a reference from his song, 'Even the Losers' (one of my favorites - as a pastor and before). But I hate smoking. Actually, that's the problem, I really LIKE smoking. It relaxes me. But I don't want to do it, so I hate it.
I can't believe I started again after 25 years. When I quit then it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had many a dream after that where I had one cigarette and it did me in... and it actually happened. I think the first one I had after that 25-year absence was late one Saturday night in August of last year, after a very frustrating and disturbing phone call I had with someone who was sort of a "superior" of mine. So I bummed a cigarette off a guy. At first it was just, 'screw it, I don't care anymore'; then it became 'what the heck, what do I have to lose - nobody else cares either.' I had no idea it would lead to another one, and another; and then a pack, and another pack, etc, etc. But I don't want to smoke. I hate how it makes me feel, I hate how it effects my body, I hate the addiction aspect.
So... realizing that I have friends and readers here from all over the world... I am pleading with you to pray for me, or at least send good thoughts and encouragement, that I can be done with it. That's how I was able to quit before - a group of people who were praying that for me. I have a feeling it will be even harder this time than it was then, but I want to quit... and I can't do it on my own. I don't have the willpower at the moment. So will you please pray for me? It doesn't help that the last one was so satisfying and tasted so good (a Pall Mall Blue 100). But I don't want to do it anymore. If you are able and/or willing, I would greatly appreciate your help. Thank you in advance.
peace & blessings,