Be kind (to yourself)

 I am continuing my way through Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you?
• Chapter 9 - What if you explored your collective/cultural story?
• Chapter 10 - What if you explored your story with God?

Today we will look at chapter 11: "What if you explored your story with kindness?" This is another good and helpful chapter.

p. 213 - ***"A year of kindness toward your own heart will take you further on the healing journey than a year of weekly therapy with your dream therapist. This is not a jab at the counseling profession; it is an observation about the power of self-kindness to evoke change in the human heart."  (Quite the statement, coming from a therapist!)

"Here is a gut-wrenching truth about the by-product of trauma: the harm you do to yourself through self-contempt is greater than the harm that has been done to you. By 'self-contempt' I simply mean harshness from you to you. The opposite of self-contempt is kindness." 

p. 214 - He lists several insightful descriptions for how to know if you experience self-contempt (I'd say you probably do, at least to some extent).

"Here's the point: self-contempt blocks your body from healing. What if you began to explore your story with kindness rather than self-contempt?"

p. 215 - "... the more you are able to engage your story with kindness, the more of your story you will uncover. Similarly, the more you engage your story, the more kindness you will have access to. They are mutually reinforcing."

This is a great Carl Jung quote on the pull of self-contempt:

"That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ, all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do to the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders -- that these are within me and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness -- that I myself am the enemy that must be loved -- what then? As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer the question of any love or compassion; we say to the brother within us, 'You fool,' and condemn and rage against ourself." (Carl Jung, Psychology of Religion: East and West, vol. 11 of The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, trans. by R.F.C. Hull)

p. 220 - "Dan Allender often says, 'The hard work of life is not dealing with your pain. The hard work of life is allowing yourself to experience comfort and kindness -- from others and from yourself.'"

"The word comfort comes from the Latin prefix com, meaning 'with,' and the root fortis, meaning 'strong.' In other words, comfort is being with someone (com) to strengthen them (fort). To comfort means to be with someone out of a desire to strengthen them."

*****"Kindness is very different from niceness. A nice person will listen and perhaps say something in an attempt to be supportive or encourage. However, the words of a nice person will rarely penetrate, disrupt, or provoke. In short, a nice person is more concerned with 'not upsetting you' than with inviting you into a more repentant and redemptive way of living. When Proverbs 27:6 says 'Wounds from a friend can be trusted,' the writer is referring to the actions of a friend who risks kindness. If you are in need of care, and you are with someone who is merely being nice, nothing can make you feel more alone...

...Niceness does not strengthen us. Kindness strengthens by simultaneously providing genuine comfort and inviting us to become more fully ourselves."***** 

p. 221 - "Bringing comfort to yourself is a skill that can be learned. In many ways, this is merely an invitation to offer the Big Six to yourself (see chapter 4 for the Big Six: attunement, responsiveness, engagement, etc.).

"You don't have to respond to your story by joining in violence against yourself. You can respond to your story the way God does -- with kindness, even kindness toward your frailty." (from Dan Allender, noting Isaiah 42:3 where God says, "A bruised reed [I] will not break.")

p. 222 - "What is keeping you from responding to your heart and body with kindness rather than contempt? With kindness rather than striving? With kindness rather than enduring?"

"It's important to understand that kindness, in and of itself, will begin to disrupt the power of evil in your day-to-day life."

"Engaging your own story is as much about tending to your dys-regulated body as it is about writing out the pivotal stories of your childhood." 

p. 224 - "How does healing happen? In the end it is not truth that changes people; it is kindness."

CHAPTER 11 KEY POINTS

• Kindness toward yourself will take you further on the healing journey than you think.
• When you feel distressed or in need of care, it can be very difficult to receive kindness, especially if you have a history of harm.
• You may feel caught between your desire for comfort and your fear that others won't come through for you.
• The bottom line is that kindness -- both toward oneself and from others -- is crucial for healing past experiences of harm.

 

Next up will be my highlights from chapter 12: "Your War With Hope" (this is another fantastic chapter).