Attachment: 'the big six' (secure or insecure?)

I suppose it might be helpful if I backed up a little. <beep, beep, beep>

Yesterday I discussed chapter 6 in Adam Young's book 'Make Sense of Your Story: Engaging Your Past With Kindness Changes Everything.' Today I want to jump back to chapter 4: "What if you engaged your family of origin story?"

I won't go heavy into specifics, but mostly wanted to briefly cover what he refers to as "The Big Six" of attachment. Attachment refers to the manner in which you connect with others. It's the emotional bond you develop with the people you are closest to (in most cases, parents and siblings). 

Young says, "If your primary caregivers were sufficiently attuned, responsive, and engaged with you as a child, you developed what is called a secure attachment" (1. the ability to regulate your affect; 2. built-in resilience to stress; 3. ability to make sense of your story and life experiences in a coherent way, which is important for brain health; and 4. a high likelihood of being in relationship with other securely attached people and having healthy, fulfilling, and meaningful relationships).

What determines if you will be have a secure attachment or insecure attachment? 

Young says there are six things we need from our primary caregivers to develop a secure attachment - The Big Six:

1. Attunement - your parents' desire and ability to read your emotional state.
2. Responsiveness - how well your parents responded to your emotions, moods, etc.
3. Engagement - your parents' genuine desire to know - and draw out - your inner emotional world.
4. Ability to Regulate Your Affect - (Affect refers to the felt sense of what is happening in your physical body... your internal bodily sensations) - how well did your parents handle this with you?
5. Ability to Handle Your Big Emotions - did your parents have the emotional strength to bring some containment to your negative emotions (anger, fear, sadness)?
6. Willingness to Repair Rupture - were your parents willing to repair harm when they wounded you?

Now, I don't know about you, but I feel like I suck/sucked pretty bad at these things myself as a parent... However, Young stresses over and over that we can't go there. First we need to understand how we got where we are. So, try not apply these things to yourself and your children, but to you and your parents (or primary caregivers).

Some things to keep in mind:

• "Attachment Ed Tronick points out that parents of securely attached children demonstrate attunement and responsiveness on the first try about 33% of the time! Only one time in three! The reason these children are securely attached is the parents notice when they are mis-attuning to their children and offer repair most of the time."
• "Your earliest relationship with your primary caretakers has significantly shaped the development of your brain."
  
• "The way you attached to your primary caregivers profoundly influences how you presently relate to other people."

Okay, that is the briefest of brief coverage of attachment - specifically secure attachment. 

What if your parents/caregivers weren't very good at the above? Well, the next post regarding the book - which will probably be early next week - will be on insecure attachment (you know... how I am).

See you then (unless you want to come back tomorrow for Five Things Friday). ;)