Random articles of interest

 I am a reader. I can do that at work or in the silence of a still moment, whereas podcasts and audio books require more dedicated time, and are mostly a disturbance to my routine. And while I haven't been reading as many books as I used to (I am still daily working through N.T. Wright's commentary on Luke), I read probably 10-20 articles a day. So... while trying to avoid discussing all things political... here are a few articles I've been mulling over recently:

• Leaders Need To Harness Aristotle's Three Types of Knowledge (https://hbr.org/2020/10/leaders-need-to-harness-aristotles-3-types-of-knowledge?utm_source=pocket-newtab)
• The Single Reason Why People Can't Write, According to a Harvard Psychologist (https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-single-reason-why-people-can-t-write-according-to-a-harvard-psychologist?utm_source=pocket-newtab)
• Thirty Glorious Years: Postwar prosperity depended on a truce between capitalist growth and democratic fairness. Is it possible to get it back? (https://aeon.co/essays/postwar-prosperity-depended-on-a-truce-between-capitalism-and-democracy?fbclid=IwAR1PIclNHXsuzMj5l9idZ383GBfAa1osX2mQW9vENeC1-14Opbz3Sqnpg9k)
• How To Write Email With Military Precision (https://getpocket.com/explore/item/how-to-write-email-with-military-precision?utm_source=fbsynd&utm_medium=social&fbclid=IwAR3tIpx0dd4mdzbX1KT3XkAnLVn3XLMWXCPF84ZhCVximLd6jjTq-H0LHTY)
• Prevent Unnecessary Medical Care - By Asking Your Doctor These 4 Questions First (https://getpocket.com/explore/item/prevent-unnecessary-medical-care-by-asking-your-doctor-these-4-questions-first?utm_source=fbsynd&utm_medium=social&fbclid=IwAR0wvdYut69uEv0JODHBlt7QkvW-QjlOOd2Zgb-ZxLMjzZAMTDsJk0o_8W0)
• The Diet That Might Cure Depression (https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-diet-that-might-cure-depression?utm_source=pocket-newtab) 
• The DASH Diet (https://www.dashdiet.org/)
• The Four Desires Driving All Human Behavior (special note about walking 25 miles/day) (https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-four-desires-driving-all-human-behavior-bertrand-russell-s-magnificent-nobel-prize-acceptance?utm_source=pocket-newtab)
  

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"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God,who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." (James 1:5)

Exhaling fat

The other day I read this article '125 Facts That Will Make You Feel Smarter.' I don't know why I fall for these click-bait pieces. I guess I like to occasionally think there is something productive about reading the news.

Anyway, the only "fact" I read that seemed at all interesting to me was #98: You Exhale Fat When You Lose It. Here is what it says:

While a few deep breaths don't burn too many calories, this is how most burned-off fat exits our bodies. You may have thought it was through sweat, urine, or some other excretion, but the truth is, as we exercise or go about our day, most of the fat (84 percent, according to 2014 research published in the British Medical Journal) is converted into carbon dioxide and leaves our bodies through our lungs. The remaining 16 percent of the fat is converted to water, which exits our bodies through urine or sweat.

Hmm. I actually HAVE wondered how that works. And I suppose it makes sense. That's probably why high intensity interval training is so effective. It makes you breathe harder! Very interesting...

So, that's the tidbit for today. I don't know if any of us learned anything "useful"... but it's better than a punch in the face.

It's alright ma, it's only rejection

A couple weeks ago I wrote about applying for this management training program through the YMCA I work at. Well, guess what? I didn't get in. I was re.ject.ed!

Honestly, I was a little surprised. I thought I looked pretty good on paper. My boss even wrote a darn glowing recommendation that shocked even me. However, I knew up front I had four counts against me: I'm white, male, past middle-age, and a follower of Jesus. The Y, in their efforts to embrace "diversity" and all, seems to take issue with such things. Not that I'm suggesting this had anything to do with why I didn't get in (I'm sure there could be other reasons), but it probably didn't help.

Anyway, last night I was fighting the temptation to feel sorry for myself, and I woke up this morning with these thoughts:

• Being rejected is not the same as being a reject.
• Life is not a baseball game. There are more than three strikes.
• The beat goes on.

REJECTED...
I do have to admit, my first thought when I read through the poorly written email notifying me of my 'non-acceptance' was, "here we go again." I am not good enough, not worthy, and not wanted. I felt rejected.

The truth is... I was rejected! But people get rejected all the time. They get cut from teams, fired from jobs, broken up with, divorced, have papers returned, ideas spurned... there are all sorts of ways to be rejected!

Somewhere around the interwebs are those statistics of how many times Babe Ruth struck out, how many baskets Michael Jordan missed, how many times so-and-so failed before they invented such-and-such. Just like our failures are not final, being rejected does not make us rejects either. It simply means we try again.

IT'S NOT BASEBALL...
Life is not a baseball game. We get more than three strikes. In fact, I don't know that anyone is even keeping score (see the previous paragraph).

Again, though, yesterday my mind went to: I was rejected as a pastor by my old church, rejected as a board member at our "current" church, and now I've been rejected for this program through my job. The third strike!

I suppose if I wanted to delve, I could find MORE THAN three strikes against me over the last several years. And yet, I'm still standing. I am not out. No one has disqualified me. I'm still breathing. I still have life in these here bones. So do you. It's not over 'til it's over, as some baseball person likely said. Jesus probably had something to say about it too.

THE BEAT GOES ON...
I grew up watching The Sonny & Cher Show. If you're not familiar... you kind of 'had to be there' to appreciate it. But did you know it started out as 'The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour'; ended when they got a divorce; but a few years later - still divorced - they started the identical "show" again? They truly did live the words of their song, "The Beat Goes On." If nothing else, listen to the lyrics on this Youtube link. Life goes on.

When people ask why I run mile after mile, it's to keep the beat going. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going. I sign up for races to force myself to train. Otherwise... who knows. Running is really nothing more than cheap therapy for me. Plus it's one of the few things I can actually do.

So as I drove in this morning, tempted to not do a thing at work (you know, to 'pay them back' for rejecting me), I realized I don't do what I do at work to earn anyone's acceptance either. I go through my day, making coffee, folding towels, wiping up sweat, chatting with folks... not because I want a management job. I do it because that's what keeps me going, and I like it. I'm a conscientious, somewhat considerate, caring person. And the beat goes on.

For whatever reason, I need order in my life. I don't particularly like getting up at 4 am every day, but I need the consistency. I feel out of sorts when I don't have a schedule, or mundane tasks to keep me occupied. I suppose it has something to do with my personality or something in my brain, but regardless, it's what keeps me sane. I know that, and there's no shame in it.

I guess I say all this to say... I am okay. Really. I think I actually survived this bit of rejection, and couldn't really care less!

Of course, tomorrow is always a new day. While it's true it may be worse... It's also just as true it might be even better. Who knows.

La de da de de... La de da de da...

Penniless thoughts

No one is asking for my thoughts... and they're certainly not offering money. Not that they're worth all that much anyway. But... I need to write something down today. So here goes...

I finished reading Part 1 of N.T. Wright's "John for Everyone" commentary last week. Instead of moving on to part 2, I decided to read through the glossary of terms he has in the back. It's kind of interesting. While I am familiar with all the terms he included, it has also shown me that I could use a refresher. If only I could remember half of what I've learned over the years...

This morning I also finally got around to looking through the new CGGC Strategy and Vision booklet adopted last month by the denomination I was formerly associated with. I have no stake in this game anymore, but I do have to say... when reading it, it brought back some fond memories. I guess this is sort of "my language" so-to-speak. It took me back to a day when I felt like I fit in with some people, and I miss that.

Speaking of fitting in... I do not feel that way in our present situation. I am quite frustrated with the whole church scene. I don't know if it's just ours in particular, or the church in general. I tend to think it's more local. I WANT to be a part of a church community... but I do not feel that I/we currently are. I miss being in a small group; I miss studying with other people; I miss being involved in some kind of ministry that makes some kind (any kind!) of difference in the world! I've been thinking about all the things I've gotten myself finagled into... and none of them have anything to do with making disciples or ministering to the needs of others or building others up or anything of the like (well, not much anyway). Plus, I just don't know how much longer I can buy into the whole "everybody's fine/it's all good" mindset. I don't see much in the way of life transformation or 'victory in Jesus' or 'dying to self' or even following Jesus, in my opinion. And I need that.

I am kinda/sorta toying with the idea of taking a break from church. I certainly do not want to give up altogether. Like I said, I WANT to be a part of a church. But I wonder if it would help to sort of 'step back' for a bit. My biggest fear is - I don't want my grandchildren thinking it's not important! Yet, at the same time, I just feel like I'm missing something... and I don't know what that something is. I feel like I've been drudging through for too long now. I've tried serving in mundane positions, hoping it would shed some light. But I just feel this pull to step back. I can't really explain it. In fact, it goes against everything I have believed. So... we will see.

This past Sunday was super emotional for me. The pastor was gone, and another guy in the church was speaking and leading communion in his absence. This person was actually someone I used to have fill in for me from time to time when I was pastoring. We both graduated from the same seminary (he was in seminary when I was pastoring). Ironically, we had never met in person until we both were attending this church (he and his family just started here earlier this year). So, I offered the morning prayer, and then introduced him before he preached. It felt odd, and I really had no idea what to expect of his message. I have to say, I found it truly inspirational and, actually, had tears in my eyes almost the entire service. There were several times during the sermon I wanted to shout out, and I actually did clap a few times (as did others). While I enjoyed the service, I think it also made me long for more of that. I simply think I need more of a challenge than we've been getting. Not to put down the regular pastor, but... well, I don't think I can deny it any longer either. So, who knows. I doubt that anything will come of it.

Anyway... this is my last day at work before my boss returns from vacation. It has been soooooo nice not having him around. He's a nice guy, but... he is really about the only thing I don't like about my job. In fact, he makes me NOT like my job. I suppose a lot of people say that about their jobs/bosses. It is what it is. So, it's been nice sort of having a 'week off" from him. I'm sure he feels the same.

So, there. There's a big belch of blubbering blather. "Just another sad song," to quote one of my old favorite songs. "Played for no one else."

Peace out; and in.

What I'm thinking about...

Do you ever have that sense someone is trying to tell you something? You know, where you have all these seemingly random notions, and then they somehow all end up leading to the same thing?

That's been happening to me lately. I'm not really even sure what started it. One day I was thinking about the possible correlation between Chronic Stress and the seeming rise of mental instability in our land. Next thing I know I'm watching a news segment on Universal Basic Income. I didn't really connect those dots - I didn't even know there were words for them - but those two things seem to now be locked together on the front page of my brain... and then I stumbled onto this article on Humanity Is More Important Than Money - It's Time For Capitalism To Get An Upgrade. Again, it really stuck out to me, yet it wasn't until the very end of the article I saw it was from a book dealing with universal basic income again. Weird how that happens.

So, I'm still trying to flush these things out in my mind, but I wanted to at least get something down here while it was hot.

Oh, and I also added a new site to my sidebar: ideas.ted.com. A bundle of great ideas from the folks at TED. It's been keeping me busy at work the past few mornings. :)

Random thoughts #466 (taking a backseat)

Hopefully no one is actually keeping track of the number of my 'random thoughts' posts. If you are, then you officially have less of a life than me. Anyway, here are some things currently on my mind...

SEATS
The pic is of the back seat out of my Ford Escape. This is the vehicle I use to drive for Uber. I'd read about this "miracle Do-It-Yourself cleaner" and thought I would give it a try. The cloth seats had a few spots from spillage and normal wear and tear, so I mixed up the vinegar, club soda, and Dawn dishwashing soap, sprayed it on, and it seemed to work pretty good. Unfortunately, several days later and there is still a fairly strong vinegar odor in the car. Not enough to make me sick, but so much so that I wouldn't want to pick up any Uber riders and risk poor ratings. So, after trying several different methods to remove the stench, I finally just removed the seats and washed the covers out in the shower. Hopefully this will help.

SPEAKING OF BACK SEATS...
This seems to be how my life has been going for some time now. I keep hoping for a "win" of some sort, but I continue losing instead. My confidence sinks lower, my countenance more somber, and it's getting harder and harder to keep the chin up. Something needs to change... but I'm tired. I've been telling myself to just sit back and lay low; walk humbly and not try to force anything. Folding towels at the Y seems to be one of my biggest joys lately - because I can actually do that! Yet I am inevitably reminded of how far I've fallen and disappointment stairs me down again and again. So... I trudge on. Slowly.

WORK
Part of my problem is work. And, please understand, I am aware ALL of my problem is of my own doing. It's no one else's fault. Much of it is contained within my own mind even. However, work has me worn down a bit at the moment. The Y does not pay well. I could make more money flipping burgers at McDonalds. It does afford me a place to go and interact with people without having to risk too much thinking or getting outside myself though. I am, however, a tad worn down from the schedule. We are presently short-handed, so I've been trying to help out as much as I can. Yet, as the "morning guy," it seems I'm having to work a lot of closing shifts. So, while I still only get 30-some hours a week, an example of my shedule is: tonight I work from 4-8 pm; tomorrow I work 5 am to 1 pm, then come back and work 5-8 pm; then Friday it's 5-9 AM again. If I can get the smell out of my car I will then add some hours of driving in there where I can. I can't complain about the number of hours, or even the difficulty of the work, but it is not overly inspiring, and most of the time I feel like a zombie walking around.

A 'THING'
Yesterday someone was telling me about when they took a Toastmasters class. I actually think what they were doing was trying to suggest I needed to do something to make myself more.... I don't know..... interesting. I've sensed myself crawling into a shell, and this conversation seemed to confirm others saw it too. So, I started looking into Toastmasters, or an Udemy course on public speaking or writing or something.

To be honest, a Toastmasters meeting scares me to death. I cannot imagine walking into a roomful of people and speaking in front of them. I don't understand how I used to do it on such a regular basis. So maybe an Udemy course...

I think the thing is, though, I need a "thing." I need to find something I can DO again. I don't feel like I can write or speak anymore; I'm struggling as a runner and my left foot has been bothering me; I simply don't have the chops or understanding to play the guitar (and haven't done so, basically since I stopped pastoring). I don't like to cook, sew, work on cars, or anything of the like. I guess I don't really have any hobbies or interests of any kind. I just go to work, come home and watch 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy,' and then go to bed. I don't think playing 'Yahtzee' on my phone counts for anything.

THE CARWASH
I suppose this is pretty sad, but if I'm honest, my biggest joy in life at the moment is pulling into the carwash. Since I'm a "club" member, I get to use a special entrance. So I can drive right past everyone who has to pay, and there's this little part of me that feels just a little superior as I do. I know it's not right, but that's my little power trip. Ugh. It looks worse as printed words...

CONSOLATION
Before anyone starts to feel too bad for me, please understand this is actually part of my "fix." Regardless of how good or bad this blog is, it has always been a place for me to write out my inner issues and that is often impetus enough to help me move forward. Yes, this spot may require more help - and I'm still looking in that direction - but just so everyone knows: I don't write these things to garner pitty, but to process my "stuff."

Things I take away from this dose of drivel:

• I'd like to stop drinking again, and maybe deactivate my Facebook account for awhile (FB would be harder than drinking - I rely on it too much for Uber and other activities).
• Sign up for an Udemy class on public speaking or writing.
• Read a novel or some kind of fiction.

Those seem easy enough, but pretty dern daunting at the same time. Maybe just making the list is a good enough place to start. At least it's something to look at.

{Elaine to Puddy: "So you're just going to sit there and stare at the back of the seat?" Puddy: "Yeah."}

I don't know how to say this...

I have not been posting as much on the blog lately. Actually, I've not been on the computer or social media near as much lately. It's been weird, but not bad. I hear Neil Young in the background singing, "My life is changing in so many ways..."

While things aren't changing drastically, there does seem to be a subtle shift taking place, and it was only somewhat intentional. Part of the reason I took the early morning job at the Y was an attempt to force a routine-change upon myself. I am a creature of habit, so even though I can be quite disciplined, it is also difficult for me to change those habits. Having a different morning routine - moving away from easing into each day sitting in front of the computer (and information, news, social media input) - has resulted in both physical and mental/emotional change for me. I get my blood flowing and metabolism moving earlier in the day, and the things I occupy my mind with are likewise different. I think it has been for the better.

I've been somewhat haunted by this statistic I heard from Science Mike a couple months ago:

"Heavy social media use increases depression risks 27%. Heavy smartphone and tablet users are 35% more likely to have suicidal ideation."

I believe there is much truth there. I've FELT it. I also just happened across this post: "8 Dangers of Social Media We're Not Willing to Admit." Of course, I saw it on Facebook (ugh). While I have definitely cut down my social media use, I haven't cut it out entirely. I still like to see pictures and life events, and I suppose to some extent I do still need to read the news and current events - though in much smaller doses and from "better" sources.

MORE INFORMATION DOES NOT EQUAL MORE INFORMED

I can't recall the conversation I was having with someone about this age of "information overload," but it came as quite the realization to me. Everyone seems to think people are more informed nowadays, what with 24-hour news, social media, and whatnot. However, what we are missing is perhaps just how CONTROLLED that information now is. The news is much more biased, and computer algorithms are swayed such that, the information each of us receives is only that which someone else has decided we should receive. For instance, when I do a google search, the results I see are based on algorithms set by MY internet usage. What you see is based on yours. So not everyone has the same search results show up, just like not everyone sees the same advertisements, or the same posts, or the same "news." You could say we are actually being manipulated by our own habits. That's a scary thought, and it's being played out right in front of us all on a daily basis!

SO...
So what does all this have to do with this blog post? Well, for one thing, it helps explain why I haven't been posting as much. Another aspect is that I've been - whether intentionally or not - doing more "living in the moment" type stuff.

No longer do I start my day reading every detail from the MSN Home page to see what they say is happening in the world. Now I start my day getting up and going to the Y (working and working out). And, since I've started driving for Uber, it's easier for me to say, "I'm going to go drive," rather than sit at home on the computer (reading or writing).

Like I said, it feels weird to me. I have been a daily writer/journaler for a long time. It's something I have enjoyed. I also realize I need to do it to some extent... but not as much as I was.

I guess this is my way of saying, "I've been busy lately." I like being busy, but it also wears me out. I felt the need this morning to sit down and try to figure out how to put what was on my mind into words so I could see it. It seemed to take a lot more words than I anticipated. Now I need to do a treadmill workout, and then I think I'll try to make some money driving.

That's all I've got to say for now. Or, maybe more importantly, all the time I'm going to allow myself to say it. :)

Peace out, folks; and in.

The trouble with trickle-down (listen up)

I've been thinking about the concept of 'trickle-down' theories lately, and the pitfalls of such. I'm sure growing up in a family of simple, working-class, democtrats has given me some bias against trickle-down economics, but I've been thinking of it more from a leadership standpoint.

'Trickle-Down Economics' (or supply-side economics) is, of course, the idea that giving tax breaks to the most wealthy (individuals and businesses) will then generate more jobs and lower-priced products, thus benefitting everyone. It may have some merit as a theory, but has fairly obviously resulted in nothing more than creating a wider disparity between rich and poor. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and the middle-class is really the only thing trickling down - into the lower class. Even Ronald Reagan's budget director eventually fessed to the fact that 'supply-side' was just another name for 'trickle-down' economics.

It would be easy to say that good ol' American greed is the culprit in the trickling trouble, but I'm wondering if it's something else. Certainly there are greedy grinches who have no intention of helping those in the gallows below, but there are also some very kind and well-intentioned well-to-do whose funneling fails just the same.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH LEADERSHIP?
I believe many of our leadership theories and practices work from much the same principle as trickle-down economics. Regardless of whether you are talking about the business world or the church (is there a difference?), it seems so much focus is placed on those at the proverbial "top," and inevitably the flow is stopped or mis-directed at some point before it reaches the "bottom."

I suppose what started me thinking about this was the local YMCA community where I work. Since my wife works in the administrative office I have been privileged to rub shoulders with some of the folks "at the top." As a part-time employee I was also required to attend the "Y Welcome" class which all employees are required to do so we can learn what the Y is all about.

Let me be clear that I am all in on the Y's mission and values and have great respect for the people who put these things together and try to instill them throughout the entire company. That said, though, being someone who works on the lower end of the spectrum, there is a definite disconnect between what the "big dogs" are pushing.... and what the "bottom feeders" are delivering. The trickle-down theories - or vision & values - are not making their way to the people on the ground working in the local facilities (with some exceptions, of course).

WITHOUT A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THOSE AT THE TOP AND THOSE ON THE GROUND, THE MESSAGE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

I see this as the problem with any type of "trickle" theory. If the wealthy cannot relate to the poor (and vice-versa), there is never going to be an economic system that works for everyone. Likewise, company leaders who have no relationship with their average workers and what they face are never going to see their vision and values passed on - however good those may be.

If you want to take it into the church world, I suppose you could equate it to church leadership expecting to pass on the making of disciples by simply 'telling' people to make disciples, or even telling them 'how.' But if people are never shown, if it is never exemplified, or if there is no exchange of feedback and input, I believe we simply end up with more of what we've got.

WHAT TO DO?
I do not claim to have a solution, and it's simplistic to suggest we all "just get along and work together." However, I think we have somehow got to try! Whether we are talking bi-partisan politics, business ethics, or making disciples, working against one another doesn't seem to accomplish anything - at least anything good.

Isn't there a way to get parties to participate together in solving problems, to establish teamwork in the working world, and to abide together in Christ? I'm not suggesting full-on socialism, or a leaderless land, but simply seeing one another as human beings. Learning to listen; respecting our differences; perhaps even planting seeds of positivity about this place called earth so we make life just a little better for everyone.

I don't know.... It sounds cliche and people have been dreaming this dram for centuries, I know.... but what's the alternative?

A SIMPLE SUGGESTION
I know this won't solve anything, but I've been reading a book on listening. Actually, I seem to be hearing a lot about listening lately. I've been trying to put it into practice little by little. It's not always easy, and I often forget, but I thought these fews thoughts were helpful*:

• It is a listening skill to acknowledge the person who is talking.
• It is a listening skill to help keep the conversation going.
• It is a listening skill to show some approval of the other person and what they are saying.
• It is a listening skill to be able to feed back to the other person what they said and intended rather than what you selected from what they said.

(*Richard Dimbelby and Graeme Burton, More than Words: An Introduction to Communication, as shared in  Lynne Baab's book The Power of Listening)

So, that's just some stuff I was thinking about. 

Socks

I tend to not like to wear socks. I don't know why. I've always been funny about my feet. I need for them to be free. I usually sleep with one or both of them sticking out from under the covers. I suppose it's just a quirk I have.

Anyway, I was thinking the other day about wearing socks. I ONLY seem to wear them when I run. And that is just to keep from getting blisters. I suppose that will change when the weather gets cool. This probably happens every summer, and I've just never thought about it, or I'd forgotten.

I really like the slip-on Sketchers I have. They are super comfy, and I just keep some foot powder by the door and squirt a shot in each shoe now and then to keep them from smelling.

Riveting stuff today, I know.

On being a pastor

I haven't linked to any articles on the blog in awhile (or though it seems). Blogging has changed, not as many people read blogs like this anymore, and to some degree I suppose I stopped caring so much (or something like that). At any rate, this morning I ran across an article from Christian Century magazine that a friend shared on Facebook. It was a pretty lengthy read, but I read it anyway. That's what I want to link to.

It took my mind to a different time and space in some ways but also raised to the surface thoughts I've likely been having subconsciously. I don't really know if I'm still a pastor or not. I'm not all that sure I even know what one is anymore if I'm honest. "Church" as I used to think of it, and as many "churched" people think of it, is not even on my radar anymore in regard to a life of faith. The term "pastor" is even more muddled.

I know for sure I am no longer paid by a church to do anything. I do meet with several people who are considered pastors - some of whom I coach, most of whom I simply try to listen to (which is what I think most of them need). There are three right now on a regular basis, and I've recently been asked to meet with a retired pastor whose wife is dying, so I suppose it could be construed as pastoring, but it seems more like "just being there." I have also been asked to help form a sort of "ministry leadership group" at a church that has no such thing. I put that in quotation marks because though those aren't the actual words that were used, and I doubt anyone has a clue what it will look like, it was the only way I knew to describe it.

Our "Church" is a unique animal. It was formed as a non-profit organization and a church formed out of it. Um... it's been a long time since I've typed the words "church planting," but... hmm... wouldn't that be a thought?? Nah, it could never happen...  Anyway, our "church" doesn't even have 'church' in its name. It's called a 'ministry.' There is a pastor - or maybe more than one, I'm not really sure - but even the pastor doesn't fit in any sort of traditional sense. He probably spends more time selling concert tickets on the phone than doing actual "pastor" stuff (because we run a concert hall). So, I guess I say all this to say, I don't really know what a "ministry leadership group" is going to look like here. And I like that.

Alright, so this has been a whole lotta words and I've still not said anything. Yes, I was going to link to an article. Christian Century posted this article by Winn Collier entitled, "Do You Actually Want To Be Our Pastor?" It is an excerpt from one of his novels and is a story about a search committee and a pastoral candidate. As I said, it is long, but it kept me reading. It also made my eyes tear up and tugged at my heart. I'm not sure if it made me want to be a "pastor" again, or if it simply encouraged me more in the direction I currently seem headed. It did remind me of Eugene Peterson's writing in regard to pastoring, and I've been wracking my brain trying to remember the piece of paper I always kept on my office wall that was my underlying vision/value/goal/guide. It went something like, "As your pastor I want to spend time praying to God, contemplating the Scriptures, and living among you," or some such thing. You'd think I could find it on my blog somewhere, but so far it has escaped me.

And I'm getting distracted again... I should probably just stop for now. I've too many things I "need" to get done on this lazy Saturday. I will attempt a dissemination of the article at a later date (maybe), but it reminded me that I did have some good moments as a pastor - times where I think I got it right. I remember when I first started I always seemed to be telling people, "I don't want you to follow me, I want us to walk together." Unfortunately, I can also recall too many times later on when the words "us" and "them" would escape my lips, and it was not always pretty.

So, I guess this is how it's going to be today. Lots of rambling, some bad memories, but perhaps the slightest glimmer of hope that there still might be something there... somewhere.

Learning to learn

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I don't know who "they" are, and maybe you can't, but I would like to think even old dogs can CHOOSE to learn again.

My grandchildren asked me to teach them how to play badminton the other day. At ages 3, 4, and 6 I felt it sufficient to simply help them hit the "birdie." Playing an actual game may come later.

The younger two were quickly distracted into some other mischief after a few failed flails. The 6-year-old, though, was a different story. She has been through kindergarten, she's participated in soccer, baseball, and swimming lessons. Her approach to life has changed and is changing because she has developed the capacity to understand she is CAPABLE of learning. She has 'learned to learn.'

It was neat to watch her delve into the world of racquet and shuttlecock with the determination of a fat man at a buffet. She swung and swatted, and if her language skills were greater, I'm sure she would have swore too. Her mind was fixated on: SHE WAS GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT! She knew she could.

You could literally see the wheels turning as she made adjustments on the fly and finally... she was able to "play badminton" (in her mind). After hitting the birdie five times in a row she proudly beamed, "I am pretty good at this!" Ah... growing up. :)

I don't know exactly what it is that makes us want to stop learning. Whether it comes with age, disappointment, or perhaps it's the circle of life that shrinks us back into easy distractions. Seeing my granddaughter mature as she learns she can learn - that is exciting to see; and inspiring. It may even be contagious.

The reality is... I can still learn too! I may be old, but I now know it's not about the person trying to teach me; it's up to ME to decide if I want to learn or not.

So today I am putting my mind to a more determined curiosity and attitude of learning similar to that of my granddaughter. I will leave badminton to the youngsters, but there is a ton more this old dog can learn about life and living; and I want to. How about you???

Just sayin'

Sometimes it's exhausting being me. What with all the contradiction and conundrum, I can literally wear myself out and never leave the confines of my mind.

I've never much cared for that saying, "Just sayin'." I don't know if it's the meaning it insinuates - or it could just be someone I know who uses it all the time and I'm not all that fond of them. At any rate, that's what I'm calling this post.

I hate when I put up posts like the last one (Tuesday). There was a day when I would have removed it by now, or at least thought about it. I don't put things on my blog to worry people, and I try real hard not to be too passive aggressive (even though I come by that quite honestly). Many times I will write "difficult" posts days after the actual fact. It's more a recording of history for my own personal posterity. Other times I'm honestly doing it just to try to work through the "stuff." That's what happened with this last one. As soon as I hit "Publish" I started to feel better. It's been a gradual 'bettering' but I am making progress. Well, until the next meltdown anyway.

So, I guess I say all this just to say to the few who may peruse by here on occasion that... sometimes I'm just sayin' stuff. Sometimes it may be good stuff; sometimes bad; I suppose it could occasionally be hurtful or less than kind... But my hope is that it's always real and raw and honest.

I'm not really a nice person. I don't like that, because I really WANT to be a nice person. Sometimes I just do stupid things though and later on I realize how unkind I was.

I don't feel like I've ever been very good to my parents either, and right now I'm feeling some guilt and shame at not being there for them when they need me. Not that they need me, per se, but they need someone. This has been a lifelong battle for me. I've always hated how they treated me like such a "child." Yet now that I need to be grown-up, I can't seem to muster it.

My job is no different. There are parts of it that frustrate the snot out of me, but I also know it would be the same anywhere I worked or regardless of what I did.

I've said many times, I'm probably not complicated... just difficult. I'm even more difficult when I'm pushed or cornered into meeting unrealistic expectations - even if I'm the only one with them. If I don't have enough "alone time," or if I have too much time to myself, I can start to wear thin and all sorts of gross oozes forth from within me. It's not pretty, nor enjoyable.

So I think what I need is to work toward a more simple life. I need a lot of structure. With only a handful of responsibilities. It's not that I can't be disciplined or depended on, but there is a limit and I really need to guard that limit.

I suppose ultimately though, probably my biggest problem is just letting go. I don't like to lose control. I don't like to be OUT OF control. It takes awhile for me to recover from that. That's kind of what happened earlier this week. My body is still recovering physically as well as emotionally.

And, so, there you have it. A bunch of words here that don't really say anything - at least anything that anyone who knows me probably didn't already know. I'm fighting with my fears, and that can be difficult for a pacifist. Especially a wimpy shy passive-aggressive with a bent toward self-destructive sabotage. So what do I do? I write about it on a blog that no one reads. Thus... I'm just sayin'...

More than gypsies

I once worked as a cashier at a gas station/restaurant. One Sunday during the "after church" crowd, an elderly gentleman approached the counter to pay, and when I looked up, I saw his eyes roll back in his head and he fell straight back on the tile floor. If you dropped a watermelon filled with gravy it may have had a similar sound and spew. The skull smack was deafening, and when the white began to spill out his mouth and nose.... Well, let's just say it was my last day working there.

It was a 2nd job anyway. I was trying to save up enough money to buy a new guitar. I didn't need one that bad. I felt bad quitting, because I liked the job, and the people I worked for and with. The sight, sound, and smell of the experience was just too much for my psyche to process at that time in my life.

I've never really considered myself as an overly strong person emotionally... but I've also never thought I was a quitter. My experience over the last 5 years leaves me with a lot of questions though.

I understood getting burned out while pastoring. Not that it was necessarily the pastoring that did it, but it happened nonetheless. I felt like I worked through things pretty well and was maybe on my way to not only healing, but maybe even recovery. I took some time off, then got a job that didn't exact near the emotional toll on me. I'm beginning to have my doubts though. Maybe I'm just done...

What if what I thought was temporary is actually permanent? What if I'm never able to deal with stress again? What if there isn't a low-stress-enough job out there for me to have a worthwhile place in this world? What if I need to go on disability?

These are thoughts I'm having today. I have done a fair job of chronicling my struggles at work recently. Today I felled in for a fellow manager at his facility (SW). It was only for 3 hours. It's a holiday Saturday and I only had to work from 9-12. But... I feel like I just watched an old man crack his skull open on the floor in front of me again. I got over-stressed. The details don't even matter.

It also happens to be the last day one of my best friends works for the company. He works part-time at my facility, and sometimes drives me crazy because he doesn't always do things correctly, but I probably spend more time in soul-sharing with him than anyone. The fact that he's an atheist is beside the point.

So here I sit in front of the computer. Work is becoming too chaotic - maybe even schizophrenic - my nerves are frayzled (that's a new work I just invented for "frayed" and "frazzled"), I'm feeling pretty lonely, and I don't know if I have the strength to hold a job anymore. What if I can't do it? What if I'm washed up? Cashed in? Done?

GYPSIES
An old friend of mine wrote a song a long, long time ago. The name of it may have been "Liar to Liar" - I'm not sure. But there was a line that went, "Only gypsies are made in a day." I can't be sure exactly what he meant by that, but at the time my 20-something grass-fed brain took that to mean, "It takes more than one day (or experience) to make or break someone. Life is a process and there will be ups and downs and all arounds." I have to admit that I'm not sure why I think that now, but it's been a refrain in my head for a long time for days such as this. And now I'm wondering if I was simply wrong. Maybe it's not just gypsies who are made in a day. Maybe life is only a process up to a certain point. Maybe there's a breaking point and sometimes we can't come back from it. Maybe I really do have something wrong with my head and I'm NOT alright!

----------------

I don't know. Maybe I just need to let the Monkey Shoulder scotch from last night wear off. I'm tired. Tired of so much. It shouldn't be this much work to get through a week at a no-future job. I'm going to have a beer and let the sweat from mowing the lawn dry. Then maybe a shower and a nap.

Two ducks waddled across my driveway this morning. I didn't think much of it. I think I should have.

Lost in the space beneath my skull

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I actually considered just ending this misery of minutia and letting the blog die but.... well, here I am again. Like the stray cat that just won't leave, because where else would it go? So, I will try to remember some of the thoughts that have passed through my mind over these last few days.

HOMELESS
The last time we served food on the street downtown I talked to two different guys who had recently been beat up and had their stuff stolen. One guy had the tent he'd been sleeping in ripped to shreds. These were both somewhat desperate guys, and you could tell they were worn down by life even though they weren't all that old. As I chatted and listened to them my heart sort of sank a few degrees. I just cannot imagine that life. However, I guess it made me feel like we were doing something even a little significant. Once again, I am seeing my role as just being a sort of presence there to smile, listen, learn names and speak them. I don't know if there is such a thing as a ministry of familiarity, but it sounds intriguing even if this is the first time it's ever entered my mind.

AUCTION
In a similar vein, I am in the middle of doing an auction at my place of employ. We have decided to do them online now instead of physically onsite with an auctioneer. There are pros and cons but either way requires the same work and detail. I have one customer who is being especially difficult, but there's another one that was more impactful. This guy - probably about my age or a tad older - has pretty much all his possessions stored here, and he's going to lose them. We tried to work out an arrangement but he finally came in and just admitted that he was never going to be able to pay his bill and maybe it would actually be better for him to just cut his losses and move on. I probably agree with him, but it was a sad exchange. He almost seemed relieved to be losing his "things." I felt bad because I imagine it's not easy reaching that conclusion. On the other hand, I can see the freedom in no longer being tied to "stuff."

WORK
Speaking of work... it continues to be a mixed bag. As I've stated many times, I really do like my job, I just have a hard time playing with others. An electrician showed up at the office yesterday to run the wiring for the kiosk they are going to install here. He was asking me all these questions, and I couldn't be much help because I haven't really been told much at all. I have a hard time dealing with people refusing to talk to me, though I can understand why they don't want to and I'm not all that sure I would believe a lot of what one of them has to say anyway. I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to me because I know I am difficult to deal with. I wouldn't want to talk to me either. I wish I had a better handle on my emotions, but if I did then I probably wouldn't be working here in the first place. Still, I am frustrated by being kept in the dark. I've been told my job will not be eliminated, but based on other things I've heard and been told, something does not add up. You don't spend the kind of money these kiosks require without getting rid of human workers. THAT is what they are made for! So, who knows.

OTHER
There are some other things occupying my mind and heart that I'd rather not discuss at the moment. On the bright side, though, is the growing sense that bad things are not necessarily bad. Much can be learned from the journey, and history shows some of the greatest things in life have come from detours. So I feel like I'm starting to enjoy the trip a little more. I like this little quote I ran across some time ago. I used to keep it on my desk at work:

Two regrets; no three

In thinking about the time I spent as a local-church pastor there are many things I regret doing, or failing to do, but two stand out the most in my memory right now. One is that I could tend to exaggerate (whether with sarcasm or humor), and the other is that I spent too much time talking and not enough time listening. And, actually, there were probably three: I wish I had not used email near as much.

I'm sure I exaggerated feelings and things as a defense mechanism. I usually assumed (or hoped) that people who knew me well knew when I was exaggerating for dramatic effect and when I was not. You know, like laughing to keep from crying. I can remember friends asking how things were going and I might say, "Oh, you know, a little suicidal but I'm hanging in there." As I think about some of those things now, that was not very nice of me; or smart; or fair. There were probably times when well-meaning people were quite perplexed as to exactly how to deal with me. I'm sure it was way worse when in an email or text. Sarcastic humor can be a tricky thing. I wish now I had been more forthright in expressing my feelings and I hope I can be in the future.

Perhaps the worst thing I did was to talk too much and listen too little. Whether it was in person or in correspondence. I remember writing leeeeengthy emails to people. I was trying to really express myself and put my heart into it so they would understand where I was coming from, but as I think about it now, I bet people hated seeing that they had an email from me. I bet I could have salvaged several relationships if I'd just been more brief. It was the same with conversations. Rather than worrying about trying to fully express myself, I should have been more intently listening to others. I don't think I was obnoxiously arrogant, but I could often think I knew what was best for others - or even myself - and it would have been to everyone's benefit for me to really listen to people's hearts.

So, you know, if I ever had it to do over... or, actually, as I continue with my life... I want to learn how to economize my words. Much like a good writer. I would like to get better at expressing myself with fewer words, and at the same time be a better listener to those around me. And, by listening, I mean not only hearing the words people say, but noticing posture and demeanor and inflection and hearing what is coming from inside them. I think that would be good. Good for me, and good for everyone.

Well, I suppose I should stop there. I've used a lot of words to try to say I want to use fewer. :) Such is life...

 ^"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry," (James 1:19)

"All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." (Matthew 5:37)

No creativity

The other day I had an acquaintance share a very heart-felt post on Facebook about his journey into burnout - complete with depression, anxiety, and despair. It really struck a chord in me. I never would have suspected. This person has written many books, has somewhat of a high profile in circles I follow, and just seems like one of those people beyond issues like this. I feel bad for him.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my own ride... I believe it took me a good long time to fade into full-blown burnout; and I don't really know if I'm a survivor yet, or still climbing out the other side. I can feel that I'm much stronger spiritually, emotionally, and even physically than I was. I have a renewed thirst for things I'd grown to detest for a time; I'm fond of reading again; I'm starting to gain a sense of empathy for others that tends to be my link between God and humanity. But there is one thing I still lack.

My creative energy is not there. I honestly don't know if it's just gone, or if it's merely on standby; I have no idea if this is just how things will be now, or perhaps it's simply a season of rest and replenishment still. I do know that I have no desire for music - playing, singing, or really even listening - and writing is a real stretch. Sure, I keep this blog going, but if you've noticed, it is almost all things I've read or heard from someone else. There are no new ideas, no dreams, no vision. The thought of writing a sermon is downright ridiculous.

I think there are two veins at work here. One reason for my lack of creativity is fear. I'm afraid of being wrong or ridiculed or humiliated again. I don't trust myself, much less anyone else. I'm not proud, but it's where I'm at. However, fear, I think, can be overcome. But there's another reason.... and I can't seem to put my finger on it. I know it's there, but I can't see its face. I don't know how to even form it into words. Perhaps that's the the key to the whole thing. Maybe it's the missing link. Could it be that I simply need to wait for the rains to come again... Or am I just in a new place?

You know, I can't say that it's bad. It may even lend itself to being a better coach - if I ever seriously ventured into that. Certainly it doesn't hurt in my current mindless occupation either. At the same time, maybe it will result in something even better than before. Who knows.

So... this is where things are today. If nothing else it's better than thinking about politics.

Just thinking

It seems like I haven't had a chance to sit and ponder/write things for awhile. So I'm trying to puke out a post on the fly here. Not like most of them are overly thought out in advance anyway, but.... Anyway... just some random thoughts running through my head on this day.

• I read the other day where Mark Driscoll is starting a new church in Arizona. The article was pretty critical not only of him, but a couple of his former staff that are involved with this venture too. I really don't know what all has happened with Mark since he agreed to step down at Mars Hill. I do know that I have always felt like some people lumped me into being somewhat like him (mean/bully), and whether it is fair or not, I am glad I am not him. I do, however, wish I had his resolve. Because what has kept me out of ministry is basically my weakness and fear. Hopefully he has dealt with his issues, and good on him for overcoming (if he has).
• I will say this, though, in regard to no longer being a pastor or ministry leader: I like not having to care about hurting people's feelings. Not that I think I have a license to be mean now, but I don't have to worry about who's watching over my shoulder or ready to stab me in the back. I simply don't care anymore.
• At our small group last night (the one we participate in), the topic was how do we discern truth. Jane and I are both a bit frustrated with the format - which is perhaps more a 3dm-model issue than a personal thing with our group leaders. There is not really much opportunity for discussion, and we neither one feel like we fit very well with the group. There are some really, really good people in our small group, but I get the feeling most of them are pretty secure in their answers and possibly a little naive about society. For instance, we didn't know how to bring up the fact that, at least in our experience, you can't just point everyone to the bible to determine truth. Not that we don't believe the bible is true, but we know enough that it's NOT truth to a lot of people, and even with people who do believe it, there are valid points on opposing sides of a multitude of issues. I don't think truth is something you can just determine you're going to find in a 30-minute session. Moses wandered around in the desert for 40 years and never fully realized it - and God was leading him the entire time. Anyway, maybe it's more of a frustration with those who want to give simple answers to complicated questions than anything.
• Another thing I've been wondering about lately is the place of "popularity" in ministry (popular music, books, speakers, trends, etc). I was talking with a friend about Shane Claiborne this morning. This person knew of him, but said something like, "Man, he's kind of fallen off the face of the earth." I was a little stunned, because I still hear and read about him quite often. The fact is, he isn't as "popular" as he once was. Kind of like, if' you're just doing mundane, ordinary, everyday things... well, you're just a nobody. Now, I'm not knocking this person I was talking to; he may not even think that. But in our celebrity culture, that seems to be the norm inside the church as well as outside it. So, it's kind of given me a desire to seek out some of the older authors I use to read, or even friends who do everyday ministry in the real world. The Eugene Petersons, Wendell Berrys, Henri Nouwens, Brennan Mannings.... (I suppose they're all popular in many ways too. Argh)...

I dunno.... Just thinking.

Where i'm at 2015/2016

Well, here we are at the beginning of a new year. I am going to try to write down some specifics of exactly where I am in life right now. I have no idea what the future holds, and no real plan in mind, so I'm hoping this might at least give me something to look at if nothing else. So, in no particular order:

HOME -
I live with my wife of 32.5 years and our cat in a comfortable 3-bedroom home on the south side of Fort Wayne, Indiana. We moved here in April of 2011. It is in a quiet neighborhood known as Lake Shores East. Each of the east/west streets is only one block long, and there are only three entrances into the triangular-shaped section we live in. It has a lot of old trees and wide sidewalks, so it is conducive to taking walks and has virtually no crime (or problems of any kind, really). I think the best parts about living here are the attached 2-car garage (that would be hard to ever give up), and the proximity to the Rivergreenway where I can run/jog. I like our house - it has a small yard and is easy to heat - but it is way bigger than we need. With the finished basement it is around 2600 sq. ft. and we could get by with much less.

FAMILY -
Jane is still my wife and best friend. A rather big event for us in 2015 was her resigning as branch manager of a bank in November. I'm not sure she ever recognized just how stressed she had become but I think she's starting to enjoy being out of that environment. She's had a couple of interviews, and I don't think she will have any problem finding a new job. For now it has been good for her to take a bit of a break.

Daughter Carrie lives in the same house on Cottage Ave she and Drew bought after they got married. They have three very different children in Anna, Bennett & Caleb. They also recently got a kitten. Anna is sensitive and moody like me, Benny is the typical kind and quiet middle child, and Caleb is a happy guy who has little to no fear. Anna is currently in her 2nd year of pre-school, and I can't believe she will turn 5 this month. Carrie is a full-time mom, and she started working at the downtown YMCA this year part-time. She is very into fitness and baking. Drew still works at the storage place (where he got me a job) and was promoted earlier this year to assistant something (I've been told it was assistant regional manager, but we don't have a regional manager to my knowledge... so... it's something).

Son Isaac is living in Atlanta with his wife, Ricci, and their dog Crosby. They live in the same house they've moved into when they started there. Isaac is in his 2nd year at the Candler School of Theology at Emory University. He has several part-time jobs at the university: the reading lab, admissions, working for professors, etc. I believe he starts as a teachers assistant this next semester as well. While completing his Master of Divinity next year he will then move on to an as-yet-to-be-determined school to complete his PhD. Ricci is in her second year of teaching at a private school in Atlanta and really seems to enjoy it. They are creative, young, and driven people... and dearly loved by their nieces and nephews.

PERSONAL LIFE -
As for me... Well, I just completed my second year of working in the self-storage business. I still manage the facility on Dupont Road. It now has 28 buildings with 750 total units (conventional & climate controlled). I enjoy the job, but as the oldest person in the company, I would feel better if I were an owner and not the lowest guy on the totem pole. I work 9:30am-5:30pm Monday through Friday, with an occasional Saturday at another of our facilities. I can't complain about the hours, and it is not difficult work, but I do come home tired at the end of the day on most days.

Other than work I don't really do much, it seems. I do still try to read regularly. I haven't kept track of the number of books I've read this year, but it's likely far less than the 10-12 a year I used to read. I ran in the summer, but it just hasn't appealed to me lately. I need to start up again. I'm having a struggle with desire at the moment. I have probably only touched a guitar a handful of times in the past couple years. Otherwise... yeah... it kind of seems like I've become lazy. I guess this blog occupies some of my time, but that's about it. Hmmm... that's kind of a slap upside the head. I guess I long for more from life, but I'm not real motivated at this point.

RELATIONSHIPS -
By 'relationships,' I mean people I spend my time with. Jane and I still spend a great deal of time together. We basically do everything together. We also hang out with the grandkids and their parents at least once a week (on Sundays) and often more than that. I still meet with my long-time friend Tom once a week for breakfast (Tuesdays) and we either take turns coaching one another or we brainstorm spiritual/theological/social issues. A new person I started spending more time with this year has been a guy at work. He comes in twice a week towards the end of the day and is my age. He teaches high school special ed but has worked part-time at the storage place since it started. He is a self-avowed atheist, but we have very good conversations. He's an intelligent guy and knows way more than me about history and world events, so I find it kind of refreshing. Interestingly enough, for as many spiritual conversations we have, his atheist beliefs have really helped deepen my Christian beliefs. Otherwise I still see Mike & Kenny on occasion, and Jane and I go out to eat with the Feichters from time to time. Again, kind of sad how few people are in our lives now compared to how it used to be (plus I'm probably forgetting someone).

PHYSICALLY -
I don't think I've shrunk too much yet, so I still stand somewhere in the 5'7"-5'8" range. I haven't weighed myself in quite some time but I'd guess it's somewhere between the 155 I got down to this summer and the 170 that seems to be my peak. There is about 25 lbs in my gut that I would love to get rid of... otherwise I'm okay. I eat pretty well (fruit, vegetables, protein and water) but drink too much alcohol still. I am hoping to stop that (maybe entirely) this year. My hair continues to lessen, though I still just have a bald spot in the back, but this is the longest my beard has ever been. I haven't shaved since the beginning of November 2014. I do trim it occasionally, and I'm really getting tired of it, but the grandkids seem to love it (especially Caleb). So... I dunno. It's pretty gray, as is my hair - especially around the edges. I am becoming an old man.

SPIRITUALLY -
I'm not sure what to even say about this. Jane and I were meeting with two different small groups each week. One was at church and another was with Tom and his wife. We really enjoy getting together with Tom and Kim, and have great discussions. That is probably the high point of our week. We meet from 7 pm to around 9 pm, usually on Monday or Tuesday nights. We take turns hosting at each others house. Right now we are doing a Francis Chan study on the book of James. The other small group... well, we haven't been to it in over a month. We really like the hosts/leaders, but it is difficult for us. There are different people there each week, and it started lacking continuity. Even the leaders became sporadic this summer due to conflicts with their children's events. Those things are understandable, but we just don't have any other contact or similarities with anyone in the group; and it's not much of a "group." So we kind of took the weasley way out and just quit going. Plus it was difficult in that we each had to go straight from work to their house - which is 25 minutes from our house - and it went from 6:30-8 pm. That made for long and tiring (and rushed) days. So, I don't know what will happen with that. We're supposed to have supper with the leaders next weekend (someone from church actually invited us out!!!).

As far as church... Yeah, we still attend Grace Gathering in New Haven on Sundays. We are greeters once a month. Other than that, we've kind of given up trying to get involved. I think we tried, but I kind of get the feeling we are too old for their liking or something. There just seems to be no interest in us whatsoever. And, sure, I know I am overly sensitive in that regard; plus our feelings of abandonment and betrayal are such that it's not really their fault to help address that; but... I don't know. We are getting to know more people, but we don't really feel like we fit. Unfortunately we don't really feel like we fit anywhere.

I am still reading through the Bible every morning - using one of those 'through-the-bible-in-2-years' books. I also continue to read several blogs and articles, and think about spiritual/church stuff almost constantly. Sometimes I think I took a lot of pride in being a pastor of a church. I thought it was "something", and I loved having my kids and grandkids in the church. I suppose I was off-base though. So, it's probably best that I not have any leadership-type responsibilities. I seriously lack confidence in my abilities and even in my opinions. I don't really know what more to say. I don't think I lack faith or belief in Jesus, but I feel a little lost in regard to what to do about it.

AND SO ---
I guess that's kind of where I'm at right now. That turned into a little more of a ramble than I was after, but I finally sat down and got it out. I don't have any resolutions for the new year, and I wish I had some goals for 2016... but I don't. It's kind of just one day at a time. I feel a little restless. I think I'd like to try to be a little more intentional about waiting... Waiting to hear from God. I don't think he's given up on me; on us. But I really have no idea of how we fit into the kingdom or what the future holds. I actually do feel very free right now, but at the same time a little nervous. So who knows. Meh.

Thanksgiving traditions/memories/things

Here it is Thanksgiving Day 2015. I'm not necessarily "un" thankful, but I've probably been more thankful in previous years. I kinda just feel "un" in general nowadays. Not mad, not upset, not happy, not unhappy... Just kind of 'here.' So I thought I would share some things that I can recall Thanksgiving meaning to me.

 Aside from the usual turkey dinner and all the fixin's that go along with it and spending time with family, Thanksgiving has always meant watching the Dallas Cowboys play on TV. I've been a Cowboys fan since 2nd grade - after watching them lose to the Baltimore Colts. So I didn't really jump on the bandwagon of their winning years. At any rate, my interest has gone up and down over the years, but they're my team and I'm thankful they're on TV on Thanksgiving day.

Another Thanksgiving "tradition" has been the listening to Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant Massacre." A hilariously funny, and long (18-minute) song about the stupidity of too much of life. It's a classic song, but I've been a fan of Arlo since probably... high school. He was one of them there hippies, and even though I never really lived the hippy life, I've always associated with them mentally. I suppose you could say I've always been a hippy at heart. Perhaps it just came from the times I lived in, or the neighbors I had at the time, I don't know. Sometimes I worry that I'm more of a "peace & love" hippy than I am a Christian. I hope not; I hope one can be both. I think you can.

Another favorite on this holiday is recollecting the episode from the TV show 'WKRP in Cincinnati' where the station manager had the brilliant idea to drop live turkeys from a helicopter. "I swear, as God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." Hahahahaha... That was a funny show, and one of the funniest episodes ever on the airwaves in my opinion.

So, those are some of my Thanksgiving "things": family, football, fine music, and funny flightless bird incidents. As I write this, maybe the thing that's lacking this year is more faith-related thankfulness. Not sure how to fill that void, but I guess noticing it is a good place to start.

Thanksgiving Day 2015 will include sleeping in, having the Feipel's over for a big lunch, watching football, and maybe going to see the new James Bond movie tonight. A nice low-key relaxing day.

I forgot my phone, and other tragic events from the day

I think today might be the first time since I've been regularly using a cell phone that I forgot it at home. Of course I feel naked without it. How did anyone ever survive before cell phones, smart phones, and internet access at your fingertips?

I actually don't use my phone all that much - at least not compared to some people. I still prefer using a computer/laptop for internet. Mostly I use my phone for texting, checking the weather, and checking email now and then. So, really, it's not all that bad.

I did have a little bit of excitement at work this morning. My power went out around 10 or 11 am. I had been out on the grounds in the golf cart and it started raining. When I went to open the garage door to put the cart way, the automatic door opener wouldn't work. I thought maybe the battery was dead. So I went back to the office and, sure enough, it was dark. So then I spent the next half hour or so unlocking all the doors on our 11 climate control buildings (each with 2 or 3 doors). They all have key pad entry, and the key pads don't work if there is no power. Of course, not long after I got them all unlocked... the power came back on. Just how things work, isn't it?

I also had a missed call from a police detective. Apparently someone has accused someone else of stealing something and putting it in our facility. Oh brother. I haven't returned his phone call yet. I really don't want to deal with this. The people involved, while all being nice people, are just a little "different." Such is life.

I did have a great time at the Jackson Browne concert last night at the Embassy Theater. We had good seats, and he put on a great show. I will write more about that later.

That's all for now.

ADDED LATER:

Wow, this was like the day from hell. I called the police detective back and he was coming to the office to check our security cameras. I decided to see if I could find anything, and while I was in the back room looking through footage, a guy came in all upset because the three entry doors to the building where his climate control unit was were all blown open and the door frames were bent so bad that they wouldn't close. He just stood there like he expected me to do something about it right that moment. I got rid of him, closed up the camera room, and checked out the doors. Sure enough, all three doors on building 8 were totally messed up. I hadn't had a chance to lock them yet after the power came on, and because of the kind of door they have, they weren't latched. To compound the problem, we had just recently put chains on the doors so they only open 90 degrees. I wasn't sure why we did that, because otherwise they would open all the way (but it's not my decision). I guess it turns out that the chains are what caused the frames to bend. Had they not been on there the doors would have just swung open and been okay.

So... I had to work with the construction people to get the doors going. Then, while doing that, our lone office tenant came and told me they couldn't get their keys to work. There doors were supposed to have been re-keyed last week. So I had to go down and open the door for them and then try to appease them that it would be taken care of.

So, other than forgetting my phone, having a power outage, having some major wind damage, having to be interviewed by a police detective, and the normal issues of a day at work... I suppose it was just another day at work. But I am beat. Ugh. I suppose it could always be worse though.