Penniless thoughts

No one is asking for my thoughts... and they're certainly not offering money. Not that they're worth all that much anyway. But... I need to write something down today. So here goes...

I finished reading Part 1 of N.T. Wright's "John for Everyone" commentary last week. Instead of moving on to part 2, I decided to read through the glossary of terms he has in the back. It's kind of interesting. While I am familiar with all the terms he included, it has also shown me that I could use a refresher. If only I could remember half of what I've learned over the years...

This morning I also finally got around to looking through the new CGGC Strategy and Vision booklet adopted last month by the denomination I was formerly associated with. I have no stake in this game anymore, but I do have to say... when reading it, it brought back some fond memories. I guess this is sort of "my language" so-to-speak. It took me back to a day when I felt like I fit in with some people, and I miss that.

Speaking of fitting in... I do not feel that way in our present situation. I am quite frustrated with the whole church scene. I don't know if it's just ours in particular, or the church in general. I tend to think it's more local. I WANT to be a part of a church community... but I do not feel that I/we currently are. I miss being in a small group; I miss studying with other people; I miss being involved in some kind of ministry that makes some kind (any kind!) of difference in the world! I've been thinking about all the things I've gotten myself finagled into... and none of them have anything to do with making disciples or ministering to the needs of others or building others up or anything of the like (well, not much anyway). Plus, I just don't know how much longer I can buy into the whole "everybody's fine/it's all good" mindset. I don't see much in the way of life transformation or 'victory in Jesus' or 'dying to self' or even following Jesus, in my opinion. And I need that.

I am kinda/sorta toying with the idea of taking a break from church. I certainly do not want to give up altogether. Like I said, I WANT to be a part of a church. But I wonder if it would help to sort of 'step back' for a bit. My biggest fear is - I don't want my grandchildren thinking it's not important! Yet, at the same time, I just feel like I'm missing something... and I don't know what that something is. I feel like I've been drudging through for too long now. I've tried serving in mundane positions, hoping it would shed some light. But I just feel this pull to step back. I can't really explain it. In fact, it goes against everything I have believed. So... we will see.

This past Sunday was super emotional for me. The pastor was gone, and another guy in the church was speaking and leading communion in his absence. This person was actually someone I used to have fill in for me from time to time when I was pastoring. We both graduated from the same seminary (he was in seminary when I was pastoring). Ironically, we had never met in person until we both were attending this church (he and his family just started here earlier this year). So, I offered the morning prayer, and then introduced him before he preached. It felt odd, and I really had no idea what to expect of his message. I have to say, I found it truly inspirational and, actually, had tears in my eyes almost the entire service. There were several times during the sermon I wanted to shout out, and I actually did clap a few times (as did others). While I enjoyed the service, I think it also made me long for more of that. I simply think I need more of a challenge than we've been getting. Not to put down the regular pastor, but... well, I don't think I can deny it any longer either. So, who knows. I doubt that anything will come of it.

Anyway... this is my last day at work before my boss returns from vacation. It has been soooooo nice not having him around. He's a nice guy, but... he is really about the only thing I don't like about my job. In fact, he makes me NOT like my job. I suppose a lot of people say that about their jobs/bosses. It is what it is. So, it's been nice sort of having a 'week off" from him. I'm sure he feels the same.

So, there. There's a big belch of blubbering blather. "Just another sad song," to quote one of my old favorite songs. "Played for no one else."

Peace out; and in.