I got a job (sort of)

I agreed to become the cleaning person at the Baker Street Centre yesterday. It will only be a few hours a month, and roughly four hours following concerts and other events like that. Nothing too spectacular, but it's something. I can vacuum and clean toilets. I still won't get paid for bartending (other than tips) and set-up and tear-down for concerts though. Whatever.

I actually started today by pulling weeds for an hour by the front door. It looks really hideous - which bothers me - and there's an event for the local public radio station tonight (which I will be bartending for). Of course I hurt my back trying to yank a sappling out of the ground. Hopefully it will go away.

I'd be okay with a few cleaning/janitorial gigs like this. Especially when I can basically set my own hours and am not punching a time clock or anything. Now if I can just keep myself from getting to intense about it...

Annual review (at work)

I had my annual review last Friday (Friday the 13th). It was fine. Nothing I didn't expect. And, actually, it was nice to actually talk about work with a couple supervisors. I wish I could do that more often and with more people! But I don't have the status to be included in meetings, and I doubt anyone is interested in what an old man thinks anyway.

I met with not only my current supervisor (who is an "associate" director), but also his supervisor (who is an actual director - at a different facility). So it was a little unclear as to who I was supposed to be talking to. It still is. Not trying to be critical, but the place is somewhat of a mess all around and that's a struggle for me. 

Anyway, the three of us met at a coffee shop. I made the mistake of ordering an Americano - not fully understanding what it was. I likely talked too much due to being all hopped up on caffeine. I wanted something to keep me awake though since I'd just finished my 8-hour shift. It did that.

As for the review, we were supposed to go over the following:

• What are some accomplishments you are most proud in your YMCA work from 2022? (this is not a type on my part, that's how it was written)
  
• Things you do as my supervisor that help me to be successful:
• Things you could do as my supervisor that would help me be even MORE  successful:
• 2023 Personal Development Goal:
• 2023 Department/Branch Goal:

I answered everything and wrote it out as best I could, but....... Ugh. It just doesn't matter. And, honestly, I don't feel like I know a darn thing right now. About anything!

I'm also somewhat torn since I've been reading this 'Learning Humility' book. I feel like I'm wrong about everything. Yet, still, I feel like there's so much wrong around me too! I don't trust people to make good decisions, mostly because they so often don't; and I have no confidence in anyone to do the right thing. It's very discouraging. 

So, I guess I don't really have a lot to say. My supervisor's supervisor wrote some things down, and I asked if I could have a copy. She assured me she would send it right away. Yeah... I'm not expecting to see it, or for anything to happen that was discussed.

These things make me think Mellencamp was right: "Nothing matters, and what if it did."

At least.... At least.... it's good practice in learning humility. I'm beginning to think that's what EVERYTHING is about. And I'm okay with that.

Sick day/jane's xmas party

I was sick Sunday night into Monday. Not sure what it was but I'm glad it's over.

I had to call in sick to work for only the second time in the 5 years I've been there too (I think). It was not a fun night..

When I went to bed that night I kind of had a stomach ache. I also felt a bit bloated. I figured I could just sleep it off and would feel fine in the morning. Around 10 or 11 I finally got up because the pain was getting worse. Eventually I started hurling. It was all liquid, and appeared to be from the two glasses of wine I'd had. I spent the rest of the night between the living room and the bathroom, finally getting the waste basket from the bathroom and just staying in the living room. One minute I was literally dripping with sweat and the next I'd be shivering. The poor cat tried to console me as best she could. 

Of course calling my boss turned into quite the fiasco in itself. I don't really want to have to do that again either. Yeesh.

I must have nodded off now and then. I woke up at 3:45 and though I felt like I'd been run over by a truck I at least didn't feel like puking. So, I thought I did the right thing and called my supervisor (I'd even just asked about this a couple weeks prior). I apologized and said I was sick and couldn't make it to work. He literally responded, "Well, I'm sorry about that but I don't have any keys." There was silence. Rather than just hang up (which I briefly pondered), I was like, "Well, do you want me to call YOUR supervisor, or could you maybe come and get my keys?" And get this... Next he says, "Well, I don't really want to work 12 hours today." !!! Finally he says he needs to think about it and he'll call me back. WTF!

I mean, it was all I could do to even talk on the phone. There was no way I could drive a car. Finally he called back and said he would come and get my keys. And why in the world does the boss not have keys anyway!?! In fact, I know where an entire box of them used to be in his desk. Hopefully he hasn't thrown them away because he didn't know what they were for (which is what he does).

And like that wasn't enough. When I finally woke up around 9am I had an email that went out to everyone that works there. He very passive-aggressively threw me under the bus because I was sick and he had to get up early and how hard it was for him to find people to cover my shifts when I take holiday and personal time off and how it really ruined his day and it was making him wonder if he should even work there. Then he thanked all the people that work 3-4 hours a week, but had no thanks for me who is otherwise there at 4:45 every damn morning of the week the rest of the year!

Yeah, it was not a fun night, or next day. I need to talk to him about it, but I'm still too pissed off to be able to do it with any semblance of a level head.

Of course, to top things off, Monday was also when Jane's Christmas party was - which is the closest thing to a work Christmas party as I get. Even though I was feeling better by then, I didn't figure I should go. I'm sure I wasn't missed anyway.

Fortunately I had already taken one of my remaining personal days for Tuesday. So I pretty much laid around the house and took it easy. I went back to work yesterday and, even though I got a bit tired, I think I'm pretty much good to go now. 

I'm still not sure if it was something I ate, or some kind of 24-hour bug, but I'm glad it was then and not this coming Sunday. I'm also glad today is my last day of work for the rest of the year! I think I've come to hate working there now more than ever before. Although it's actually reached the point where I don't even care anymore. So, at least after today I won't have to think about it for awhile.

Meh... happy Thursday.

--

[ADDED LATER] -- I crossed out some of this because... it's not how I want to be. I feel like I've been making ever-so-small strides in the way of humility and compassion... but sometimes I still boil over and get stupid. My supervisor is a young guy and I know he's overwhelmed easily right now. I WANT to be the type of person who understands and can graciously help him learn from and work through things like this. Or at least be able to accept it and not make things worse. That said, though, I did not delete it because it's how I "felt" at the time, and it's also possible I may need a record of it at some point. There were some possible HIPAA concerns, as well as other compliance issues regarding shaming and intimidation that are not cool. If they were to happen again or to someone else I feel there needs to be a record. And, let's face it, no one reads here anyway (except maybe you), so this is as good a place as any to stash something. Sorry for the rant earlier. Here's to a better tomorrow...

[ADDED EVEN LATER] -- I actually broke down and talked to my supervisor. It was tough, and I was nervous as a cat, but it ended up going really well. I think both of us benefited and I hope it will reap great rewards in the future (as so many of these hard things do).

CPR/AED/First aid certifications

I completed my American Red Cross CPR/AED/O2/First Aid certifications this week for work. Every two years we go over it again. Which is good, because I can't remember most of it. Although, I don't know that doing it more often would help all that much.

The testing is in two parts: online and in-person. The online CPR/AED/First Aid portion took me 3 hours and 15 minutes. The in-person was supposed to be 4 hours, but we were out of there in under 2 (more on that later).

I did pass the CPR online course in the first try this time with a 96 or 98% (I missed one). Interestingly enough, the in-person class was a bit different. There is a test for CPR/AED and a separate one for Oxygen. In class we went through them together and... the teacher just gave us the answers! I'm not sure how I feel about that. I guess it makes her look good in that everybody in her classes passes, and she doesn't have to grade any papers. In fact, my test already had the answers on it! However, I felt it was a little... lacking. Not that I minded getting out early, but.... I don't know.

Another thing that bugs me since I am a more visual learner is how they don't have any written materials. Personally, I could stand to read over things and review every now and then. But there's nothing we can print off for a refresher.

I did discover this year the American Red Cross First Aid app for my phone. I suppose that's better than nothing.

So, I don't know if I would know what to do if anything happened or not, but at least I'm certified.

Two new class certifications

Apparently I am going to be the Healthy Heart Ambassador at my workplace. I know, crazy, right!? How does a guy who has no heart get put in this position?? Well, I'm about the only constant of the 3 or 4 people presently working here. 

Anyway, it required a couple online Y class certifications before I can attend the in-person training. So I recently did these two classes:

• Orientation To Healthy Living At The Y
• Introduction to the YMCA's Blood Pressure Self-Monitoring Program

Each class was approximately 30 minutes - although I did them while working at the front desk and had to stop and start quite a bit, so it took me longer. 

They actually weren't bad classes, and I learned something from each... But here's my complaint:

All these trainings are audio-visual online classes. There is NO written material, and once you complete the class you can't go back over it and review.

For starters, I am not an audio learner. I need to read things. Usually I need to read it several times. Plus, I don't recall things very well, so if it's not written down there's no way I'm going to remember it. Fortunately I jotted down a few notes, but there are several things I wish now I could go back over.... and I can't.

It's no wonder no one knows what the hell they're doing around here. It's mostly just disappointing though... because I would like to learn and be involved and whatnot... but everything is just so much "going through the motions," and doing things just for the sake of saying they've been done. I suppose that's corporate America.

Meh, I'm in a bad mood, and this is just another reason why...

***

Psalm 38:21-22

Lord, do not forsake me;
    do not be far from me, my God. 

Come quickly to help me,
    my Lord and my Savior.

 

Full time

Work, work, work...

Yes, I've been working more. In fact, I am now considered a real full-time employee with benefits and everything!

Apparently my executive director was allowed to hire one more person full time, and she asked if I would be interested. She has been more than aware of how I've been exploited the past few years, and I think she was also afraid I was going to quit after my latest meltdown (which I was). I've been working 30-35-ish hours a week for at least 2-3 years, yet not considered full time.

So, as of May 1, after being here 4 1/2 years, they finally felt I was worthy to be given benefits (though no raise or change in job title - even though my title doesn't really describe what I do anyway). Also, for some odd reason, the CEO wanted to meet with me before it became official. It took about 2 minutes for him to mutter some meaningless false praise, and that was that.

I've been hesitant to say anything because, honestly, I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Yes, I have been more than outspoken about how unfair it has been, but it's not like I'm all that excited about being here EVEN MORE. Basically I just added 5 hours onto Friday, so I work 4:45-12:45 Monday through Friday. There's still the same isolation, disrespect, no one willing to listen or involve me in anything, and having to get up so stinking early every day. So it really is just more of the same. But I will get some paid time off, sick days, holidays, and the like.

Ultimately, I guess it's one of those 'it is what it is' things. I'm trying not to freak out about it too much.

***

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands." -Psalm 90:17

 

How I spent my two weeks off

On the first day of my two weeks off, I woke up... (to understand the context you may need to revisit Cheech & Chong's 'Sister Mary Elephant').  

I have intended to write about this for several days now. Every time I try, though, it seems I feel more and more like the poor student returning to school from summer vacation. Uh... what did I do? Where am I?

For the record, I took off work from March 8-21. I am careful to not call it a vacation, because I am not privileged to get things like paid vacation. It was two weeks I had to take off without pay... for my health. I won't even say 'mental health,' because it wasn't just mental, and, really, why is mental health somehow considered different from general health? Mostly I just needed a break. Or a new job.

When people ask where I "went" for my "vacation," I have generally been telling them I went to bed. That's pretty much what I did. I was exhausted, maybe a little depressed, and borderline burned out. So mostly I slept in each day (arising anywhere from 6-11am), woke up naturally, had some coffee, lazed around with the cat, made a good breakfast/lunch (eggs & avocado toast usually), listened to a meditation CD, went for a run, lazed around some more, and then it was about time for Jane to get home and we had supper.

I was surprised at how stressed I had actually been. It took a few days before my neck and shoulders started to relax. What maybe surprised me the most was how much BETTER I slept though. I didn't even realize it for awhile, but I was sleeping the whole night through without waking up. When I did finally wake up, I was able to ease into the day. THAT is what I miss the most! That's the rhythm my mind and body needs to relax.

Of course, I realize I have a pretty stress-free job. At least I'm paid with that in mind. For me, though, there is a great deal of anxiety in my present position. I have to go to bed early in order to get up in time to open. I am constantly paranoid about forgetting to set my alarm clock for 3:50am. I rarely sleep thru the night because I'm subconsciously paranoid about not hearing my alarm or having forgot to set it. And even at work there's the anxiety of being there by myself. What if something happens? What if I get sick? What if someone has a heart attack or some other such health issue? Yes, I know I am CPR/First Aid certified, but it's not like I actually remember any of that stuff!! I don't think some people understand the stress of not having anyone else around to ask questions or "just be there."

Anyway, for two weeks I was able to avoid all that. It was nice. I finally started to relax. I even ran my fastest two 5k times this year during the second week - without really trying (27-something). 

I guess I did do a couple things while off. Aside from buying the Theragun, I did a little work in the yard... We had one concert to work... I did my weekly meeting with my "coaching partner"... But the most satisfying thing was driving to Findlay and meeting with an old friend. He is actually the Executive Director of the denomination I used to be part of. Not only is he just a great guy and interesting to talk to, but as someone who is a realist, he is realistically hopeful and positive. THAT is what I needed most of all! Not in a happy/sappy sort of way, but more just a reassuring vibe. And it was nice to have someone in such a respected position actually talk to me as a somebody too.

Anyway, I feel somewhat rested. The first day back (Tuesday) was a little rough. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to slip back into the 'know-nothing/wash towels/clean up sweat' guy. It's getting better. I guess.

I've been getting through the days trying to focus myself with the mantra, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want" (Ps. 23). Also the Theragun massages. We'll see how it goes...

***

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” -James 1:12

Scraping, streaking, and stuff

As you know, I've had calf/feet/ankle issues in the past. I was dealing with a sore right fascia (bottom of the foot) and ankle. So last week or so I got out my body butter and scraper (spatula). I've been scraping both legs below the knee on a near-daily basis. It's amazing how much it helps. While true that it's not the most pleasant thing to do to oneself, it is way better when I do it than when I had a physical therapist grinding away. Egads, that was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. But... it seems to work. We also ordered a Theragun this week, so I will likely be adding that to the arsenal.

You may have guessed this means the running streak is still alive and well. I was going to stop on March 11, which would have made it 4 months since I started running every day. Then I thought maybe I would wait at least until Spring, so I could say I ran outside every day (except one) through the Winter. At this point it's about the only thing I feel confident that I can do, so I hate to stop now. We'll just have to see.

I had forgotten how, when I lost my sh*t at work 10 days or so ago, how my neck, shoulders, and back hurt so bad. I could barely bend my chin down toward my chest. I was tense! (It finally went away around last Thursday). And when I went berserk with my boss... at one point I recall asking what she wanted from me. She said something like, "I want you to be happy!" Which not only seemed a bit odd, but that's stuff... I'm not sure how to get across to someone... I mean, doesn't everybody know that workers want to feel appreciated, and feel like what they do has some value? Sometimes I think people go out of their way to insure the exact opposite! But... enough about that. I honestly had glossed over a lot of what happened before I had to take this unpaid leave. Much of it is better left unsaid.

So, there ya have it. Scraping, streaking and stuff. And who knew scraping my own legs would be the most satisfying thing in my life right now...

***

"I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" - Psalm 91:2

Where'd I put that fork...

I was planning to quit my job. Unfortunately, I didn't think I could last the two-week notice period, so I asked for time off - immediately. This is my second week off work.

I don't believe I've ever called in sick or been late for work since starting there four and a half years ago. Still, I felt bad about the short notice.

I've not known what to say about it. I'm still not. I got over-stressed about some things - mostly no one listening to me - and I thought I was going to explode. Maybe I did. It's been a while since I've worried about having a heart attack. I didn't like the feeling. I have taken 'mental health breaks' before, but this one seemed different. Maybe it's not.

There is a lot of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I know we're all supposed to be more aware of mental health issues, and many people are, but still... it feels like I am 'lesser than.' You know, "why can't I just be normal and work a job like everyone else?" It's very humbling.

Last week I started off just sleeping as much as I could. I would also use meditation CDs a couple times each day. A counselor once prescribed them for me three times a day just like medicine. I was feeling better towards the end of the week. I've managed to keep up my running, but have otherwise been a slug. I sleep late, laze through the day, and am currently trying to avoid anxious thoughts about returning to work next week. I honestly don't know what is going to happen, because I'm fairly confident nothing is going to change there.

Last week I stumbled onto this article 'Have We Been Thinking About Burnout All Wrong?' It really nailed how I was/am feeling. What I realized is the term "burnout" seems to be used for many things it is not. It is much more serious than I previously thought. There's really not much difference between this and a nervous breakdown (though there's really no set diagnosis of what a breakdown is either). Looking at it as a trauma response - as they do in the article - certainly creates a different viewpoint (at least for me).

So, here I am. Neil sang, "It's better to burn out than it is to rust." I don't know. It doesn't feel 'better.' Now I think I'm going to take another nap... or maybe listen to a meditation CD until I fall asleep. Or not.

***

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:34

Another indoor 5k

We had our annual indoor 5k at my workplace this past Saturday. It is kinda/sorta the 4th annual, though last year was not really the same and probably doesn't count. At any rate, it's a fundraiser at the non-profit I work for where people can run a 5k on a treadmill or elliptical. It's fairly unique not only in that respect, but we also don't award prizes for the fastest times or by age-group or anything. We have random cash drawings for time categories, and one overall random winner from everybody. This year there were three $25 prizes: one from the under-25 minute category, one from the 25-35 minute, and one from the over-35 minute finishers. The $100 overall cash prize just so happened to go to the fastest finisher by sheer coincidence. That's never happened before. The winners are selected by the random number generator in google (except I had to do over the ones that landed on both me and Jane).

Anyway, even though we only had half as many entrants (35) as in 2020 (71), it was still a fun time, and with a $25 entry fee we raised almost $900. This year we gave participants a neck gaiter with our name on it. That was much easier to deal with than shirts because they're all one size! The gaiters and prize money were donated anonymously, so all the entry money could go for the cause.

I know it's kind of a rinky dink thing, but it's the only thing I've ever really got to "do" as part of the organization. I actually came up with the idea in 2018, and by the time I got approval for it and all, we had the first one in 2019. This was the first year my supervisor wasn't involved - as he no longer works there - and therefore he didn't try to claim it as his event. Incidentally, he took the idea to where he is currently working, and they are having one this coming weekend (which is actually when ours used to be held)! Whatever. I was upset at first, and I got bummed about the lack of participation this year off and on, but in the end I enjoyed having something to do and being able to do it with my wife and daughter. 

So, that's about all there is to say about it. Every year I say I hope I'm not working here for the next one, but having this to do is also what helped get me through these past few months of work. Meh.

***

“The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” -Romans 13:9-10

Snow day

Once there was a day, and it snowed. A lot. The result was... a snow day! I haven't had one of those in a while.

As I stated in my previous post (I think), we got a bunch of snow last week. The week started with temps in the 50s, but two days later (Wednesday) it started snowing and it lasted into Thursday night. The news said we got 13" total. I measured 9" very unscientifically at our house. Whatever. It's the most we've had at once in quite the long while.

On Tuesday places started announcing closures for later in the week. Not where I work, of course. When it started snowing Wednesday I was swamped with phone calls wanting to know if we were open, if we would be closing early, if our classes would still be going on, etc., etc.. It was approaching insanity and, of course, the people who make those decisions wouldn't say a word. In case I forget to say it later, the CEO and COO are absolute morons with a capital "MORE." It seems they go out of their way to make things more difficult for their employees, and never do anything to help (and I don't think I'm exaggerating, for a change).

Well, Wednesday night the city put us in the Red category which meant only emergency vehicles could be on the roads. So they closed the branches around 7 pm. I was expecting them to then say the branches would all be closed on Thursday, since literally everything else in the state was (since it was to continue snowing). Nope. I was informed that I was to check the travel advisories when I got up at 4AM. If it was still red I didn't need to go in, but if it wasn't then I was to open as usual. So, naturally, I asked how long I was supposed to keep checking it? What if they lifted the travel ban at 7? Was I supposed to just sit and refresh it all day until my shift was over? No answer. Finally at 10:13AM I was informed we would be closed all day. Really??? What took them so long to come to this realization??? (Did I already mention how pathetic these people are?) Oh! And we weren't supposed to post anything on social media about being closed! Hahaha. Well, I already had. I was telling people on Wednesday that we would post our status either on the app or our Facebook page (because why else do we have them?). So I posted it on the Facebook page.

Anyway, so we were closed all day Thursday. Poor Jane had to work from home. I pretty much did nothing except bitch about the ceo and coo (if you can imagine that). I guess I did run the snowblower on our driveway and sidewalk 3 or 7 times that day. The first dumping on Wednesday was really wet. The snow we got Thursday was very fine and powdery, and it drifted some later on.

The travel ban was lifted late Thursday afternoon. I was told we were expected to open our normal hours on Friday. I was only scheduled to work from 5-8AM Friday, and got a number of phone calls again. Of course the young guy who was supposed to come in at 8 called in that his car was stuck. One of the supervisors came and relieved me around 8:30. Fun times.

The fun only got funner after work. I don't even know now how many cars I helped push out. More than 3 and less than 6, I'm guessing. The streets in our subdivision were terrible. There just isn't enough traffic to pack the snow down. Of course even the more 'main' roads on the south side of town aren't a real priority anyway. It was a mess. I could get around okay in my Ford Escape because it sits high off the ground. People in cars were screwed.

We finally had a snow plow come through our neighborhood sometime early Saturday morning. Right now it just looks like a lot of gray winter suck outside. I'm ready for Spring.

Sorry for the rant. Ugh. It was all so stupid. Why do executives have to be assholes?

***

“Come now, let us settle the matter,”
    says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
    they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
    they shall be like wool.

- Isaiah 1:18

 

Five things friday

One exercise I somewhat enjoy are these 'Five Things Friday' posts. When there's too much to say and not enough time, or too many things to say... it helps to just jot down the basics. So, here are some things today:

1. My nephew is a ninja warrior

My sister's son posted on social media last night that he finally got called to be on the American Ninja Warrior TV show. He's been at this ninja stuff for years, and was actually supposed to be on the show in 2020 until covid cut the field down. Apparently he will compete this Spring and the shows will hopefully air in the summer.

2. Baby, it's cold outside

The temps were in single digits (fahrenheit) this morning. Brrrr. We have this crazy exercise class where I work that meets outside year-round on M-W-F from 6-7 AM. They've been doing it ever since we re-opened following the covid shutdown of Spring 2020. Just recently they started having it inside on Fridays, but with the numbers spiking due to Omicron they decided to move Fridays back outside starting today. One poor soul didn't get the memo, and she showed up this morning not at all dressed for 9F. She decided to brave it anyway in her leggings and pink fleece jacket. I loaned her my gloves since they do a lot of burpees and such. Man... those people are either dedicated, or nuts. The funny thing is, it's actually the most consistently popular class we have! There were half a dozen of them this morning.

3. Working with 20-year-olds

It dawned on me yesterday that there are now six of us employed at my workplace: Me, and five 20-year-olds. And we have no supervisor or "boss" on-site. And I'm not real sure who our boss is supposed to be, but the two most likely are also in their 20s (one might be in her 30s). I have nothing against young people, but some are honestly a little too immature to work without any supervision. Naturally, since I am waaaaaay older than the rest, they usually turn to me with most problems... even though I am equal on the part-time peon scale with them, and I know for a fact that at least one of them gets paid more than I do! The two off-site supervisors are actually paid probably close to TWICE what I make! It's starting to move beyond clown-car-chaos to near dumpster-fire mode. Yet no one understands why I'm so frustrated.

4. Responsibility without authority

THIS is what #3 is about to me. I've been going to write about the 'responsibility without authority' struggle for some time but it's difficult to put into words. This article 'Accountability Without Authority: How To Drive Employees Crazy' comes pretty close. Especially this little snippet:

"The manager becomes a total pain in the rear - if he/she continues to take his/her mission seriously. That's the unfairness of it: only pseudo-managers who take their tasks seriously are most affected by the NAG syndrome..."

Since I am the "pseuod-manager" - because I'm the one who has most of the day-to-day responsibility (and experience) at the place, but no actual authority - and I continue to take my job seriously, most everyone who does have some authority (but takes little-to-no responsibility) thinks I'm nothing but a grumpy old man who just complains all the time. Which I probably am, but I don't want to be! Yeah, it's fun. Not.

5. 10k today

Anyway, I am hoping it warms up a little today (maybe all the way to 20F) so I can go for my daily run outside and not die of frostbite. Last week I decided I'd like to try to do at least a 10k on Fridays. I'd also like to start doing some speed interval work one day a week too. This past week it was Tuesday. And, I'm thinking of signing up for a half marathon in April. I've never done one that early before, but I'd like to do an event with this group (I think).

So, that's all for this Friday. Number 5 is how I've been dealing with numbers 3-4 lately. I shudder to think what I'd do without it.

***

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” -Galatians 6:7-8

 

12 days of christmas december challenge

So, I came up with this '12 Days of Christmas' December Challenge for work. I riffed off the idea of the 12 days of Christmas, and came up with 12 "challenges" for people to do during the month of December - so we could end 2021 and begin 2022 with a healthier spirit, mind, and body (a Y thing). 

Daughter Carrie made the nifty little tracking sheet pictured above. She is the Administrative Assistant at the "mother branch" to mine. Apparently the "central branch leaders" (mother branch) decided that both Central & Skyline would do it, which was fine (it's complicated... how we're one branch for some things and separate branches for some - depending on who needs/wants what done).

Anyway, the idea is to color in the Christmas ornaments for each thing or day. Some items are meant to be done every day of the month, and some not. They will be collected at the end of the month and three people will be randomly selected to win a free Personal Training package.

I also started out posting a little tidbit about each thing on Facebook each day. I made it from day 12 through day 6 anyway. Then I lost interest. Right now I've all but quit this job (at least mentally). I simply can't maintain the motivation to continue. I'm so tired of being alienated, ignored, and used. So... I guess it is what it is. Fuck 'em.

Here are the 12 Facebook posts I ran/intended to run (I probably would have tweaked some of 5-1, but it doesn't matter now):

12 Check-ins at the Y
Scientific studies have shown that merely checking in at your local YMCA will lead to more activity there. Well, okay, I don't know if studies were done, but it makes sense doesn't it!? Part of our Healthy Holiday Challenge is encouraging you to visit at least 12 times this month. Not only will your spirit, mind and body thank you, but you will also receive a free YMCA water bottle!! There's still time to register and get your check-ins! 

11 Meals At Home
How difficult is it for you to eat 11 meals at home in a month.... DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON? For many this is a busy time of year with parties, programs, and shopping (oh, and work!). Don't forget to take time to enjoy simply eating a meal at home now and then. If you have guests, try foregoing the fanfare and special preparations. Just enjoy the food, and the company. I think your spirit will thank you. (and you don't have to stop at 11!) 

10 Minutes of Quiet Time
Blaise Pascal said all of humanity's problems stem from our inability to sit quietly in a room alone.December is a great month to try 10 minutes of quiet time (meditation, if you will) each day and see if it really does: reduce stress & anxiety, block out internal thoughts of restlessness, slow aging, fight off disease, increase brain power & focus, improve sleep quality, reduce memory loss, and a host of other benefits it's credited with. Why not try 10 minutes a day for 10 days this month. And here's a tip: don't complicate it. You can't really do it wrong. Peace. 

9 Toe Touches Daily
Can you touch your toes? For many of us this seems a simplistic grade-school exercise. However, being able to bend down (or over, if seated) and touch your toes – or at least reach towards them – engages your hamstrings, lower back, hips, and abs. Not only does this increase flexibility, but also overall blood circulation. It's a great way to start your day! 

8 Ounces of Water With Every Meal and Workout
How is your challenge going? Today I want to talk about #8. You may be familiar with the 8x8 Rule. The idea that eight 8-ounce glasses of water each day keeps you properly hydrated. This is not a magic formula – some of us need more, some less - but it’s an easy way to remember to get enough to drink (of water, that is). Cheers! 

7 Thankful Thoughts During A Workout
Have you heard of Habit Stacking? It’s when you link multiple actions together within a single routine. This is easier than trying to add several new routines at once. So, say you go to the Y; you exercise when you’re at the Y; you begin to think of things you’re thankful for when you exercise…. Pretty soon that one simple action (going to the Y) has led you to being a more healthy and thankful person! Who doesn’t want that??

6 Squats Daily
For most of us, squatting is a movement pattern we engage in daily — like when we sit on the toilet orbend down to pick something up — so it’s important to practice the motion. Squats also help build muscle, improve flexibility, mobility and balance, strengthen lungs, bones, and joints, and a host of other health benefits. If you’re not familiar with them, or to learn proper form, see one of our wellness coaches. 

5 Consecutive Days of Exercise
There has been some confusion about this challenge item. It’s simple, really. Just do some kind of exercise 5 days in a row. Any exercise you like! Walking, biking, lifting, swimming, zumba, yoga… whatever. Rest is good, but movement is the idea here. Many of us do this anyway. 

4 Different Activities (Treadmill, Elliptical, Rower, Weights, etc.)
Another one we’ve gotten a lot of questions about. This is about mixing things up (just a tad). In a month’s time, do something different! Four times. If you normally only walk on the treadmill, try a yoga class. If you’re a lifter, hop on an elliptical one day. That sort of thing. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a new favorite exercise! 

3 Times Daily – Remind Yourself to Smile
In a study called Grin and Bear It, participants who were instructed to smile recovered from doing stressful activities faster than those who were told to hold neutral facial expressions. So even forcing ourselves to smile can improve not only our mood, but our overall health in general! Smiling has even been shown to reduce blood pressure, increase endurance, alleviate pain, lower stress, and strengthen our immune system! 

2 Group Exercise Classes A Month
This will be the real challenge among the… challenges… for many. But you can do it! Among our many branches there are group exercise classes for all ages, abilities, and interests. You are not limited to only one branch. Ask a staff member for assistance if you’re having trouble finding a class. 

1 Charitable Donation
The Christian bible says, “…God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Corinthians 9:7). The word “cheerful” in the original Greek is ‘hilaros’ – which sounds a lot like our ‘hilarious.’ It is associated with joy. We won’t define what charitable means to you, but we do encourage you to give to someone or some place that could use some holiday cheer. Blessings, friends. Let’s bring some Joy to the world!

 

I would say things like this (coming up with the idea, and each of the 12 challenges) are what help me make it through the days. Some days, though, nothing seems to help. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Oof.

***

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:11

Covid test

I got a covid test done yesterday. I went to the Walgreens on W. Jefferson and pulled up to the drive-thru. They handed me the swab in a pouch, I twisted it around in both nostrils and gave it back, and in 40 minutes they emailed me that it was negative.

I didn't really think I had it, but I've still got this lingering runny nose and cough. I think it's probably allergies or the simple cold. Just can't seem to shake it. I just wanted to make sure. You never know.

Although, I suppose it's possible I had had it, or that it was a false negative. Either which way, they sure have come a ways with the whole testing thing. I'm not sure why they don't have more antibody testing sites though. I suppose that involves blood.

One of these days I need to get my booster. Probably in a week or so.

So, I did that. I went for a run a couple days this week. I was thinking I would again today, but it's still a bit chilly. Maybe this afternoon. We'll see. It felt good to get out when I did. My legs feel good. I'd like to try to keep up 12-15 miles per week over the winter, and maybe add in some cross training of some kind. I just hate working out at work though (or, really, any gym for that matter). I wish we still had a treadmill at home, or that I could get used to running outside in the cold. I don't know though...

Well, that's about it. I guess I am back to just a 3-hour workday on Fridays for all but one week this month. I wish it didn't have to be the first 3 hours. I was a bit rough this morning. Oh well.

***

“This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing.” -Romans 13:6

Jane has a new job

Hey, look who's back!!! Oh, you meant me. Yeah, sorry about that. Lots of stuff going on, not much of it good or all that interesting to write about (although mostly I just haven't felt like writing). However...

M'Lady has started a new job! Sort of. It's in the same office, and she still has to do her old job too. They're supposed to be hiring someone for it eventually but that will likely be as much of a cluster as the process in getting this new job has been.

Anyway, long story short: she is in the process of moving away from 'Records and Reporting Specialist' (which is now being advertised as the 'Fundraising Specialist'), and has become the 'Accounting and Finance Specialist'. She officially started October 1.

It was a total fiasco. I couldn't possibly give you the full scoop because too many cuss words would be required, but here's the gist: Originally she applied for the vacant executive secretary job (which is more of an office manager). It was a little less than lateral from her job, but she needed a change (that's as nice as I can say it). However, even though she has worked in this office for over 5 years... she had to supply 8 references (EIGHT!!!), and sit through 3 1/2 hours of interviews with most of the office staff that she has worked with for MORE THAN FIVE YEARS!!! Oh, and two of those interviews included her current (now former) boss!! And like that wasn't enough, they offered the job to someone else, and that person turned it down, and they STILL didn't offer it to her! They have since posted the job again, interviewed and offered again, and the SECOND person has turned it down! I actually think that's hilarious.

Fortunately there were some people in the office who were not happy about all this. They ended up making what had been a part-time opening that they wanted to work into full-time, just a full-time job, and offered that to Jane - no interview required! It wasn't really what she wanted, but it came with more money, and at least she will have a new boss. It will suffice until she finds something else.

So, she's doing some training now, and will likely be putting in some long hours during the transition, but it's a change. And we're both still alive and not in prison.

August/September was not a kind couple of months. Here's to hoping fall will bring something better.

***

Romans 8:22-25

"All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy."

 

Tomorrow is a long time

Today was a crooked highway...

WRECK

I came up on an accident yesterday. I was heading home from work down the three lanes of Clinton Street just north of Southside High School. I was barely conscious when I heard a loud THUD! Several cars in front of me a car suddenly spun out and everyone slammed on their brakes. The car had run head-on into a concrete barricade and was smashed pretty badly. I would guess maybe half dozen cars just meandered around the wreckage and continued on their way.

Honestly, that's what I wanted to do, but then I remembered, "Dang, I am legally obligated to stop (CPR & First Aid training)." I even still had my Y shirt on.

So I pulled over, went up to the old woman still sitting stunned in her car. I had to pry the door open and ask if she was okay. She was in a bit of shock, so I called 911. I tried talking to the woman, and eventually she threw up. Fortunately some tow-truck guys showed up, and a cop and fire truck were there within 5 minutes. I left soon after and don't know any more than that.

COPS

What struck me most about the above wreck was the cop. Why do cops have to be jerks?! When I called 911 I reported there appeared to be a two-car accident, because apparently a car in front of the wrecked car pulled over too. I found out later that they just stopped to see what happened, but weren't actually involved.

By the time the cop arrived the other car had moseyed on their way. The first thing he says to me is, "Where's the other vehicle?" I said it was just the one. He said it had been reported as a two-car accident and he wanted to know where the other vehicle was. I told him I am who called it in, and I mistakenly thought there were two cars involved, but it was just the one. He then just walked on past me without even acknowledging my presence. First thing he does is go to the back of the car and start getting the license plate information.

He was a total jerk about the whole thing! Again, why do cops have to be like that? And why do they then wonder why so many people don't like them? I started to hate this guy almost immediately and it made me question why I called 911 or stopped to assist in the first place. Fuck the cops! I know they're not all assholes, but almost all of them I know seem to be.

RALPH

After getting home and trying to take a nap (that only resulted in staring at the ceiling) I ran a 10k. It wasn't a spectacular run (I haven't been feeling the greatest; think I might have covid; my chest seems full, coughing, runny nose, headache - thanks unvaccinated people). On the mile cool-down walk afterward I had a chat with one of the old guys I always see along Winchester Road. Turns out his name is Ralph, and he will be 92 in January. There are few times I/we go by his house that he isn't outside working in the yard or sitting in his lawn chair in front of his garage. He can't seem to hear for crap, but he always waves. He walks his dog and his neighbors dog around the neighborhood every day, goes fishing a lot, and still mows his own lawn. Spry old chap. I hope I can still be like that at 92, though, truth be told, I really hope I'm not around that long.

WORK 

All this happened after a totally sucky day. My boss ended up getting a new job at a different Y, which is really good for him because he's been used and abused for the past year and a half. He's been forced to do like 4 full time jobs, mostly because there are morons running the place. So I'm really happy for him.

Unfortunately it leaves those of us still working here in the wake. I was originally a little excited (I kind of knew it was coming) because I thought this might actually be a chance for me to be somebody again. I thought I might have a shot at a full-time job! I've basically been handling the day-to-day operations since we reopened after the shutdown, I'm the closest to a full-time person we've had (35-ish hours per week), I am present on the premises way more than my boss or anyone else, and I had taken somewhat of an informal leadership role among the staff. Apparently my boss even told a co-worker of mine that me and her "run the place."

Well, that may be how things seemed, but... we are neither one paid to run the place, we are neither one allowed any input into running the place, neither of us has any authority to run the place, and, in fact, neither one of us is even LISTED AS STAFF on the website!!! (It's almost like we don't even work here in the minds of some).

To top things off yesterday, my coworker asks if I know about the new people hired. No, I didn't. Apparently two people have been hired, and two current staff plus a group exercise instructor will be leaving. We're never told these things. AND, this coworker said she asked my boss who was going to train the new people... and he says, "Dan"... like it's an assumed given.

[ADDED LATER]... Oh, and I forgot the kicker. A woman comes in who can't speak English. Couldn't understand a word she said. Finally my boss interrupted his workout to come over and take her back to our exercise room. Turns out this is the new Zumba instructor. Who starts this week! And did I mention SHE CAN'T FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH???!!!??? Not to mention he hadn't told any of the people who work there about it!

You know.... YOU FUCKING KNOW... ... ... Why do people in leadership roles think none of this matters? Why do they think it doesn't matter if we know about staff changes? Why do they think it doesn't matter if we know what's going to be expected of us? Why do they think it doesn't matter that they take advantage of us? Why do they think it doesn't matter if we're treated with any kind of fucking respect or dignity???

In the end, I'm still happy for my boss to finally get out of this hell hole. But if anyone thinks I'm going to continue acting in this unofficial leadership role... they can go fuck themselves! I am nothing more than a membership enrollment specialist. When I started working here all anyone in my position did was sit at the front desk and do their homework. Well, I don't have homework, but I can read books and sit with my thumb up my ass.

Oof. I'm getting too old for this. And I can feel myself dying a little more every day I'm at this job. I realize that showing up for work every day on time, without ever calling in sick, without needing to leave early or anything like that doesn't make me a great employee. I'm like the German Shepherd. Dependable, but not seen as necessary. In the end I guess I don't consider that I really work FOR my employer anyway.  I work for myself. Fuck them.

"I can't see my reflection in the waters
 I can't speak the sounds that show no pain
 I can't hear the echo of my footsteps
 Or remember the sound of my own name"

(Bob Dylan)

***

Psalm 13:1

"How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?"

My annual review

I had my "annual review" this past week at work. It took all of about 5 minutes after I got done with my last shift of the week. I put "annual review" in quotation marks because... there wasn't one last year. I guess being shut down for 10 weeks had something to do with that.

Anyway, there is also a new format this year: five questions. I much prefer this to the old one where we had to rate ourselves in a number of categories, and then defend why we rated ourselves that way. And the point-total we came up with determined our raise (which would never be more than 3%). It was stupid. This is better. 

The new review format begins with two opening paragraphs:

At the Y, helping kids, families and communities to learn, grow, and thrive requires strong, Cause-driven Leadership. Cause-driven leaders are recognized by others as leaders who always have the mission and cause front and center in the way they think, act, and communicate.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR EMPLOYEE

Before each meeting with your supervisor, please think about the past year and a goal for next year. Please answer the below questions and include a work goal for your 2021 Annual Review Discussion.

The questions were as follows (with my answers in blue):

1. What is one thing you are most proud of in your YMCA work? In the past year it was simply not quitting. 
2. Things you do as my supervisor that help me to be successful: Your level of character, integrity and professionalism.
3. Things you could do as my supervisor that would help me be even MORE successful: More emphasis on the Y mission - incorporated into everything we do.
4. Describe a personal YMCA work goal: Have a better attitude.
5. What skills, passions, talents do you have that you want your supervisor to be aware of? N/A (My boss never asked about any of the above, but the reason I put N/A is because it doesn't really apply or matter. My skills, passions and talents can't really be put to use because part-time employees aren't able to participate in any strategizing or planning in any way. It's not his fault, it's the way the organization operates. So, part of my having a better attitude is just resigning myself to this and simply showing up and doing my job).

 At the bottom of the form is a place for 'Supervisor's General Comments'. My boss wrote: "I appreciate Dan's leadership to take on additional duties; help with membership checks; updating processes etc; Thanks for all you" (yes, that's how it ended: "Thanks for all you." He's way overworked himself, which is why my review lasted 5 minutes and it was mostly him rehashing all the stupid stuff he'd had to do that day).

As I was walking out he then added, "Oh, and do you know about the raise?" I said I did (which I did). Apparently part-time people got a pretty significant raise ($1.75/hr). I know it's a lot, especially for some people. However, considering I was making more money 35 years ago - plus getting full benefits - it's hard for me to get too excited about it.

So, you know, it is what it is. I tried to be as honest as possible in filling out my sheet, without being negative. I don't want to be negative. I don't. But this organization has some real issues. My wife and daughter also work for the same organization (at different locations) and it is just not a lot of fun to work here for any of us. Probably more so for them than me even. Yet, I'm tired of complaining about it. I really am trying to have a better attitude, and to be a better person regardless of my job.

***

"In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us." - Titus 2:7-8

One year of working in the pandemic

I took this picture on 5/26/2020. It was the first day we were back open after being laid off for 10 weeks during the shutdown last year. It still looks like this a lot of days.

I have to say, I was kind of surprised when it popped up on my Facebook "memories" yesterday. In some ways it seems like way more than a year. A lot sure has happened.

It was certainly weird when we shut down. I remember the COO coming in on a random March day. So much was unknown at the time. Would we be closed for a week? A month? Forever? There were unknowns all over the world!

Ironically, I felt rather hopeful when it first happened. I thought it was a great opportunity for people to pull together, to make changes, do different things and whatnot. I thoroughly enjoyed the 10 weeks of unemployment. In fact, I even made more money being laid off than I would have working! My weekly unemployment check was almost exactly DOUBLE what my weekly paycheck was/is (thanks to the covid relief package at the time, and a seriously low-paying job).

I also seem to have so much more creative energy when I'm not tied to a job. I feel less stress. If only I could find a way to make money at it...

Of course, then came the turmoil of 2020. There was resistance to shutting down the economy; followed by resistance to masking; now turned into resistance to getting vaccinated. And the riots and ensuing racial tension. And the election. And conspiracy theories. And... It's like all the hope I had at the beginning eventually morphed into hate.

If we 'Mericans proved anything in the last year it's that we simply cannot get along!

Personally, I feel like I am a much worse individual now than I was a year ago. I struggled with opposing viewpoints, I struggled with workplace issues, I struggled with people refusing mandates, and now the vaccine. I've been terrible to people and am as demoralized and disappointed with myself as anyone now.

I suppose there are things I should be hopeful about. Just this week I started going without a mask at work (they're no longer required). I had no idea it would be a whole year later! Next week we're supposed to open back up completely in all our facilities (no social distancing). They are also lifting mask mandates and opening up other venues around town and the country. I wish I thought things could improve, but I've lost what little faith I had in people (if I ever had any). I'm sure it's only a matter of time before things get worse again.

So, there ya go. It's a milestone, I guess. I wish I had a more positive outlook and thought it could continue.

***

Psalm 121:1-2

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.