Are you really where you are?

I can name that emotion in..... Oh, wait, that was a different show (Name That Tune)!

I happened onto this great little exercise in learning to really be where I am. It comes from the fine folks at Gravity Leadership via their weekly curated links email (you can sign up for it yourself on the bottom right of their main page). I've tried figuring out the best way to share this, and hopefully they won't mind if I just copy and paste the bulk of the email. It's pretty good. So...

One of the core axioms of our training is that God meets us right where we really are. One of the most surprising realizations of my life was discovering how much time and energy I spend avoiding being where I really am, emotionally, spiritually, physically.

So the simple practice of recognizing and feeling how I actually feel right now in my body has been profoundly transformative for me. I limit myself to a list of 6 "core emotions" to give myself a framework for the exercise without overthinking it: joy, anger, fear, sadness, disgust, and excitement.

I simply name the emotion, where I feel it in my body, and how strongly I feel it on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the strongest).

Here's how I do it (you can try it right now as you read this email!):

1. Sit down in a chair, close your eyes, take 4-5 deep, cleansing breaths, and seek to simply be present to your body.
2. Notice where you feel sensations in your body, and how strongly you feel them.
3. Notice the strongest sensation, and discern which of the 6 core emotions it feels like.
4. Say (out loud), "I feel [core emotion], in my [body part], it's at [number]."

For example, as I write this now, I feel sadness, behind my eyes, and it's at 4.

After acknowledging where you're at, just quietly welcome whatever you are experiencing in your body as the place of God's dwelling with you. Embrace the moment as it is without trying to change anything.

Sometimes we'll start meetings this way as a way to ground everyone in "where we're really at." It also fosters empathy and compassion in community. And it's also where God waits for us. So not only do we become present to ourselves, we become present to God, who is present with us right in the middle of our reality. Give it a try!

 

Isn't that good? I highly recommend their their weekly email. I'm not even a leader and there are almost always all sorts of helpful and practical things to learn and discover.

Ben closed this particular email with the following prayer:

 Oh God,
grant me the grace
to live in the space
between impulse and action.
Amen.

***

 Psalm 95:6-7

“Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care.”

 

Pastors, stress, the church, and society

I met with a friend yesterday who pastors a church. We hadn't seen each other in a few years. He sent a message one night suggesting we get together. So I drove an hour south and he an hour north and we took up space in a restaurant for a bit. There was no earth-shattering news; just the normal chit-chat. But I was thinking the whole time... man, he looks tired. 

The pastor at my mom's church announced a few weeks ago that, after being at the church for 19 years, he was done. He has nothing lined up. He just can't do it anymore.

I talked with a former pastor who was in working out this morning, and he informed me that the pastor of the nearest "mega" church to me announced last Sunday that he was done. He was "spent," was the word the pastor used.

I imagine there are plenty more church leaders experiencing the same. Honestly, I cannot imagine the stress they must be under. I mean, how many "normal folks" have experienced unprecedented stress this past year or so? The pandemic, the election, trump-stuff, racial issues... Division and turmoil.

People have become so much less tolerant of opposing views. We can choose our news source based on what we want to hear. Our social media feeds are tailored to what someone has decided we want to see. The isolation most of us have been thrust into has made it that much easier to distance ourselves from those who are different. Where will it end?

I've read several articles on people freaking out that there are now fewer religious people than non-religious. Maybe a bigger issue is going to be what happens if our church leaders can't survive!

***

Yeesh. When I talk to pastors, I almost always come away thinking, "There is NO WAY I could do that right now." How can they possibly speak, preach, teach, or whatever you want to say they do, in the cultural climate of america right now?

I remember having people leave my church some fourteen/fifteen years ago because I liked Barack Obama! That seems so far away, and so "nothing" compared to how things are now.

***

To be clear, I don't for one second fear that the church is in jeopardy. As I've said for a long time, "We couldn't kill the church if we tried!" Because people/forces have been trying for centuries. God is and always will be sovereign (imho). 

Also, I think one thing trumpism has brought about is a clearer differentiation between mere civil religion and true Christianity. I view that as a good thing, as long as you're aware of the difference.

Still...

***

As I sat and listened to my young pastor friend yesterday... my mind wandered back to a couple things I contemplated in the past.

First, I forget I used to do leadership coaching. I don't know if I even still have any of the info, but I intended to specialize in coaching small church pastors. I only worked with a few people, but I kind of liked it. It's pretty far removed from my brain at the moment, but what a time for someone who does such! I think there could be a real need.

Also, a close friend used to tell me I should start a retreat center for pastors and spouses (ministry leaders). You know, a place where they could go to rest, be renewed, or simply left alone for a bit. And, honestly, if we had the means, I think that's something Jane and I could do together. In fact, my eyes are getting a bit misty just typing this. I would have no idea where to even begin though...

So, in the end, of course I have no answers. It seems our church leaders are under a great deal of stress - maybe more than most of them have ever been under. I don't know how this will play out in "the church" or society as a whole. I also have no idea what to do... but it's been on my mind a lot lately.

***

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." - Matthew 5:3

Forty dollars and a box of hymnals

So...... I've been thinking about "church" again. Going, leaving, starting, stopping... all sort of things.

I don't really even know where to begin, or what to say. We're tired, mostly. Frustrated. Tired of trying. Maybe it's 'trying to make things work,' or 'trying to fit in'... I don't know.

Last Saturday night I was a bit drunk and I blurted out to some friends that I actually felt more ready to plant a church now than I ever had - and that's what I actually went to seminary for over twenty years ago! I don't know that I'm more ready, or simply feel like I'm running out of options. Anyway...

In my stupor, I relayed the story I'd heard Eddie Gibbs tell a number of years ago at a discussion on his book 'Emerging Churches.' I can't recall all the details, but it was a time when everyone was big into church planting and throwing oodles of money towards it. Yet he knew of a group of people who were planting churches like crazy, and their organization was providing them with a mere forty dollars and a box of hymnals to get started! And the kicker, which I can still hear him saying, "and most of them didn't know what to do with the forty dollars!!"

I've always liked that story. So it got me started thinking again about just what it would take to start a "church." You know, a church church. One fixated on making disciples, focused on Scripture, and encouraging one another in faith and good deeds, and ministering to the 'least of these,' and that sort of thing...

I've written about this before, so I looked back through my blog and found a few old posts. I want to include them here for my own personal reflection, and hopefully I may have some more to say about this later. Who knows.

But... I say all that... and I don't want anyone to think I am planning to start a church! I'm just thinking about stuff. That's all. Seriously.

Anyway... some posts I want to re-read...

• Foundational Elements of A Church
• Grace Gatherings
• Description of the Church Using Only the Bible
• I Miss Those Scripture Choruses
• Thinking About... Church

 So, we will see where this goes. It's a place to start.

The shift from planning to preparation

There have been several instances over the past month or so where I've been reminded of Reggie McNeal's idea of the need to shift from a planning mindset to a preparation mindset (in church leadership). So, I finally dug out his fantastic blue book, "The Present Future." A quick skim-through and I was immediately reminded of just how influential and important this book had been in my understanding of church/kingdom thinking.

I finally sat down and re-read chapter 5 ("New Reality Number Five"), and while I had already underlined and highlighted almost the entire thing, I found even more insights these sixteen years after first reading it! There is just SO MUCH in this one chapter alone!

I think I will start out trying to decipher by merely jotting down here everything that HE highlighted in the chapter. The gist is...

Wrong Question: How Do We Plan for the Future?
Tough Question: How Do We Prepare for the Future?

Here are some of the main points...

• Most of what has ultimate effect on the church happens outside of it and outside its control.
• Typical approaches to the future involve prediction and planning.
• The better (and biblical) approach to the future involves prayer and preparation, not prediction and planning.
• The Bible sounds a recurring theme: God wants his people to pray and to prepare for his intervention.
• Spiritual preparation has the goal of getting God's people in partnership with him in his redemptive mission in the world.
• The five elements of a spiritual preparation architecture are vision, values, results, strengths, and learnings.

VISION

• What does vision do for you?
• Vision informs your decision making
• Genuine vision engenders commitment
• Genuine vision creates meaning

• How do you cultivate vision? Vision is discovered, not invented.
• I am moving more and more to a position that the pastor does not necessarily even need to be the chief architect of the vision.
• In the emerging world people will increasingly demand intentionality in the organizations they belong to.

 VALUES

• Values are demonstrated by behavior
• Practicing kingdom values may mean adjusting the church calendar to give people more time to participate in community or workplace ministries.
• Effective congregations keep score and they play to win.
• I am convinced that the reason for much burnout, lack of commitment, and low performance in our churches among staff and members is directly related to the failure to declare the clear results we are after. We don't know when we are winning.
• The results you are looking for need to be informed by your vision and values.
• What gets rewarded gets done.
• The key is to reward the right behaviors so that you get the results you are looking for.
• Designing the ministry scorecard is going to become increasingly important as congregations move to embrace the future described in this book.

STRENGTHS

• ***Balance is a myth. I do not know a single balanced leader. In fact, leaders by definition are imbalanced people. They are "out of round" in the areas of their passion, their giftedness, and their vision.
• Your best shot at making your best contribution is for you to get better at what you are already good at.
• In American business we tend to hire people for their strengths and then beat them up for what they're not good at.
• Do you think people are fundamentally problems for God to fix or child-creations to celebrate?
• The perfectionism of the North American church rears its ugly head here. It not only militates against grace, it also makes it hard for pastors, staff, volunteer servants, and leaders even to admit to weaknesses, thereby making it harder to celebrate their unique strengths and contributions.
• Designing a strategy for preparing for the future based on the congregation's strengths also upholds for people the value of celebrating their own strengths.

LEARNINGS

• Just because we don't know how to do something doesn't mean we shouldn't try to do it.
• Church leaders must go to "school" all the time.
• Go where it's happening
• Get outside the box
• Don't pursue privatized learning
• Develop a chief learning officer
• Secure a learning coach for yourself 

Reggie ends with this:

"The future belongs to those who prepare for it, not those who plan for it... After all, Jesus taught us to pray, 'thy kingdom come.' That phrase is the fast-forward button in the Christian's prayer life. The kingdom is a future that is already present. Our mission is to introduce the kingdom into this world, with its preferred future for humanity."

There is so much good stuff in this chapter. The above doesn't even begin to touch all the things I underlined. Maybe I will add some more posts later. I need to re-read it a few more times...

What to do with church

Jane and I were talking about church the other day, as we often do. I'm not sure how the conversation started, but most of them end up spiraling downward at some point anymore. Which is discouraging because we LIKE church; or at least we WANT to like church.

But what do you do when church becomes a drag? And what do you do when it seems like you just don't fit anymore. What do you do when there is so much that needs done, and some of it things you could do, and maybe you've offered to help and it's been dismissed or not seen as needed, and... Yeah, then you don't know if talking about it makes it better or worse, or.... I don't know.

COMMUNITY
Ben Sternke sent out this interesting article yesterday: From Affinity to Affection: Building An Actual Community. It has some helpful suggestions along the lines of 'What to do when you don't necessarily like the people you go to church with?' I suppose that is part of our problem. Honestly, I just don't want to have to work at it sometimes. It can be difficult to deal with difficult people (just ask the people who have to deal with me). So I thought it timely that I received the article when I did. I'm just not sure that's the whole problem though.

POOR HEALTH
I'm not even sure where it came from, but I was struck upside the head by this quote from Alan Hirsch's 'The Forgotten Ways' the other day:

"Failure to deal with dysfunction will always undermine the organization or community's health." (184)

It's no secret that the pastor at our church recently had a heart attack. What seems obvious to me, but I'm not sure it is to anyone else (I don't know), is that his health is no better than our church's health overall. It is a dysfunctional place, and while most churches and organizations are to some degree, the dysfunction seems to be embraced in this place rather than dealt with.

MOVING FORWARD
So... what's been occupying most of my thinking lately (at least in regard to church) is... what to do about it. Do we stay and try to help? Do we slide off into the distance and begin the agonizing search for another community? Or, do we do like most people and just continue to show up, smile, and pretend everything is fine?

The problem for me is... I don't want to do any of those things! Sure, I'd be willing to help... up to a point. I'm not sure how far into the fray I am willing to go though. For me to help is more than likely going to involve using my prophetic and apostolic gifts and those tend to land me right in the middle of hot water most times.

Looking for another church is no less desirable because... to be honest... it hardly seems worth it anymore. I'm not even concerned about the "organized" church. Shoot, our church hardly qualifies as organized religion as it is. My fear is that it would be fairly easy for me to just walk away entirely. And I don't want to! I know the value of a committed community. I believe following Jesus must be done WITH others. I also don't want my grandchildren to think it doesn't matter (because it does). And... I'm not all that sure there is another church out there that we are a fit for.

Finally, I've never been good at pretending either. And I'm a terrible liar. So just going through the motions and putting on a happy Sunday face doesn't seem like it's even an option. I would be miserable... more even than I have been. And if I'm miserable, I tend to make everyone around me miserable. And I don't want that. Honestly, I don't.


So... I guess this is a point of prayer for me. I know of nothing else to do.

Actually, I am scheduled to meet with the pastor this week to discuss some related items. He's asked me to consider being on the "preaching team." Even though he's asked me like half a dozen times, and I've agreed, but he still keeps asking. I don't even know what to make of that. He's also asked for help with some "systems stuff." Yeah, he's asked me that before too; which I've agreed to. See the point about 'health' above.

And there ya have it. I suppose I could write all day in hopes something magical would come out of my fingers and turn into a solution... but apparently it's not happening. So I will stop.

Paper airplane churches

I had a lunch meeting with a pastor/friend yesterday at the lovely Sweetwater Sound food court. This is where he makes his office every Monday. He oversees a cohort of pastors in his denomination, and makes himself available there to anyone who might want to talk. We used to meet for lunch on Wednesdays, but now we're going to meet on Mondays for our coaching sessions (or griping).

Anyway, yesterday we were looking at the vision, mission, values, etc. of a church (okay, it's the church I'm part of). I had just happened across a written copy and thought it interesting. We noted the number of catch-phrases and key words, and how - on paper at least - it sounded pretty good. The problem was.... it didn't sound like MY church at all! It was somebody's DREAM of a church.

This led me to think of the term "Paper-Airplane Church." You know, a church that looks good on paper, but doesn't fly very well in reality.

Certainly this is not specific to our church - or even churches in general - but a problem with so many organizations that put a lot of effort into how they look on paper. However, if it doesn't fit with the actual operations, they're not going to be very efficient or stay afloat for very long.

Looking back, I suppose I used to pastor a paper-airplane church too. I was trained, and spent a lot of time developing the right statements and theories and tag-lines... and then tried to force them onto a group of people. I'd like to think I at least included other voices in the process, and it appeared to even work for awhile. Yet, here we are.

In the end, I don't want to pretend to know the answer. I don't. I'm not even sure I understand the question. I do, however, think I know enough to know that while you may be able to dream up the best-looking church or organization on paper, paper doesn't cut it in real life. It's not reality.

---

So, all that to say, this morning I've been wondering about the possibility of a church that looks like HELL on paper (not the real hell, but figuratively speaking - I can do that now that I'm not a pastor).

I wondered aloud to Jane last night: What if we just told some people we were going to open our home Sunday morning, and anyone that wanted to sing some songs, share some thoughts, look at a passage of Scripture and chat about it, and maybe pray or something... they would be welcome. I don't know how the music would work, or what we would do with kids, or how it would work out spatially... and maybe no one would even show up! On paper it doesn't look like much. But is it really any worse than a lot of our over-produced theatrics at having the ability to make disciples?

Honestly, I have no desire to lead another church, and I'm not all that excited about micro-church or home-church or anything like that. I really would simply like to just FIND a church to be a part of. But I'm tired of trying to fit into someone's sheet of paper. Why does it have to be so hard?

It's no wonder people are leaving our churches in droves. I suppose even my idea is nothing but a paper-airplane church itself (on a sticky note, no less).

So... I don't know... I'm just thinking.

A funny thing happened on the way to yesterday

I've always sorta been one of those people who's afraid to be happy. You know... because I know that just as soon as I crack the least bit of a smile or relax a little, somebody's going to punch me square in the fucking nose! Well, it happened. Again.

Of course, it's even more ironic given my two most recent posts. I suppose there's a reason for that...

Remember my post Friday telling how I'd been asked to be on the board of directors at church? Well, apparently I was mistaken. Or something. Jane and I both had been asked to consider it. Today I was informed that they are extending a board position to... Jane... but not to me.

Now, I get the logic used. They did not feel we should both serve on the board at the same time. I absolutely agree! So what I would like to know is whose fucking idea was it, then, to ask us both at the same time?! I mean, did someone think that would be a good idea to have husband and wife running AGAINST one another???

I don't know... like I said... I understand the logic. Everyone knows Jane is a better thinker, worker, christian, mother, grandmother, daughter... shoot, she's simply a better PERSON than me. I agree 100%, there is no contest! That's why I love her! But fuck-me-in-the-ass, Batman... it's like I can't catch a goddamn break.

I know the problem is exacerbated for me because I am dealing with the same thing at church AND at work. I feel like I have tried to offer my skill and talent, and in both places it's been dismissed with the regularity of a dog with diarrhea. I'm waiting to see a billboard with my name and face, and in big letters, "Did you know this asshole is fifty-six years old and of no use to the world?!?"

Well, surely you know I am partly trying to wax poetic here. You know, humor is such a good coping mechanism. But about all I've got left is my fucking sense of humor, so I guess I better use it while I can.

In the meantime, yes, I am kind of mad right now. I'm not going to hide it. It hurts. But I know it's not the end of the world. I'm sure it probably has something to do with the intrinsic/extrinsic post from yesterday (and all while I'm trying to ween off my anti-depressants). It's probably a lesson of some sort. Unfortunately I'm not really in the mood for a lesson right now, Alice.

For as much as I know I should be a bigger person, and grow up, and be more mature... I'm kind of tired of trying anymore. Fuck it!

So, I've got me a giant bottle of vodka, it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm in my pajamas. Yes, that might have more impact if I hadn't already worked 8 hours and ran 5 miles today... but still... I'm done trying. Or at least I want to be. I'm just going to be me. You can like me, or you can go fuck yourself. I have no animosity or guile. I yam who I yam. I'll be sitting here the rest of the night drinking my vodka/ginger ale's (John Prine turned me on to them), at least until I get tired of the ginger ale (then straight vodka goes down just fine). Tomorrow's a whole new day to regret...

So go fuck yourselves, folks. Well, not YOU, of course... but all those other people.

Five things friday

For lack of focused effort on a single topic, and without much other reason to write, I will try to string together five points of interest on this Friday afternoon...

1. Book
I am currently reading Johann Hari's book 'Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - and the Unexpected Solutions.' I am reading it on Kindle, which is not my favorite of means, and I'm really trying to like the subject matter. So far it seems he is trying to prove the whole chemical imbalance need for anti-depressants as a myth. I certainly buy into a lot of what he is saying. However, I can't say that I am far enough into the book to be totally convinced yet. We will see. It is at least interesting.

2. Board
I have been formally asked to serve on the board at our church. Actually, Jane and I both have. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Plus the aspect of being involved in a Lutheran church (ELCA) is fairly foreign to me. I am used to some seriously low-church stuff, so that doesn't help. At the same time, though, it's one of the few things I've actually been ASKED to do lately. I guess I can't be too choosy anymore. So I've been reading through the 40-some page constitution and amendments and various other words and such...

3. Being mad
I seem to be on a roll of being mad at myself this week. First I was mad because I got mad at myself for being upset at church. I had finally agreed to sort of pitch in on some more "up front" sort of things... and while it seemed welcome at first... it seems to be going the way it's always gone, when nothing results from it. I understand, and so I'm mad at myself for being mad about it.

I'm also mad at myself for being mad about how the stupid towels are folded at work. I know, right? Towels! Me and another employee feel they should be folded one way, but the boss likes them folded another way. EXCEPT HE WON'T JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT!!! I think it's stupid to fold them the other way, but even worse that he is so passive aggressive about it. But, in the end, I hate that it upsets me so. It shouldn't. They are towels, for crying out loud!

And... then there's my own passive-aggressive behavior. I read a couple of articles about it this week - because I know I struggle with it. I was quite convicted, but I can't seem to find any help for how to NOT be passive aggressive. So, I end up doing the most passive-aggressive thing I can... get mad at myself. Ugh.

4. Balls
On the bright side (ha!)... I did order us some wool dryer balls for the laundry. I just used them for the first time. I really like how they soften the clothes and speed drying time. They don't do so well with static cling though. Even if we can just cut down to one dryer sheet (plus balls), instead of the two or three I usually use, it will help. I simply haven't been happy with how the dryer sheets have been working to soften the laundry lately. So far the balls seem to have helped.

5. Beginning training
Lastly (I can't believe I actually thought of five things!), I began training for our next half marathon this week. We are running the Indi Mini again this year in early May. I actually decided to take last week off entirely because my left foot was bothering me. Plus, oddly enough, the training program I am using actually allows me to CUT BACK on my normal weekly running routine. I had lately been doing 5+ miles per day, 3 or 4 days a week. The training only asks for 3 miles per day 3 days a week, and then an increasingly longer run on a 4th day (plus one day of random cardio). That's somewhat helpful because, honestly, I've been a little discouraged in my running. My left foot hurts, my left knee gives a twinge every now and then, and I just haven't been "feeling it" lately. I think probably mostly because I've been drinking too much (and I've been feeling THAT). So, maybe by taking a step back, I can actually move forward a little. Hopefully.


Well, there ya go. Five things. What more can I say...

An honest answer

I haven't posted anything for a few days because..... well, I've been thinking (along with working, and shopping, and various other holiday sort of things).

What has been occupying my mind, you ask? Well, I had a couple conversations last week that caught me off guard. Not in a bad way, but totally unexpected. As I've rolled them around my mind I don't know that it's even so much the conversations themselves that struck me, but more some old rusty notions that have been jarred loose and left me a wonderin'.

The first conversation was with a pastor friend of mine - perhaps my closest friend - and this one REALLY caught me by surprise. He'd been asked by a mutual pastor friend, who is in the denomination that holds my ordination, if he thought I was "ready to take a church again." Apparently the Regional Director had asked this mutual friend, and the mutual friend knows I meet with this close friend regularly, so I suppose he was trying to get some insight.

What pleased me most about the whole thing, though, was my friends response. When asked if he thought I was ready to take a church again, he simply said, "What I know is, if you ask Dan, he's going to give you an honest answer."

Now, I'm aware there may have been a chuckle or two involved between them, because I've always been known to be a little outspoken. I have a history of not being a hoarder of my opinions. I've seldom been hesitant to speak my mind. Often to the dismay, and with little regard, for those around me.

The other side, though, is that I do value honesty. It's nice to know others recognize this. My yes is generally a yes, and my no a no. You don't have to wonder.

So.... that happened. The other conversation happened to be with a different pastor - just a couple hours after this one - and it was the pastor of the church we currently attend. We got together for coffee (I had tea) and were just shooting the breeze. This was not out of the ordinary, but at one point he started talking about some issues the church is facing. As he talked about the board and some upcoming available seats on it, it didn't really occur to me what he was getting at. Finally he spit it out ever so round about that people are wanting to know if I would be interested in serving on the board.

---

Well.... I have to say.... it's been years since my brain has even teased such tidbits. Granted, when I first left full-time ministry five years ago, I didn't expect it to turn the way it did. I thought I simply needed some time away and then I'd pull myself back into the saddle and carry on. Yet the longer it went, and the further I drifted, any such notions turned to nonsense and eventually failed to register at all. Sure, I would occasionally think about leading a small group, and I've hoped I could help by preaching a sermon here or there... but those ships sort of sailed further as the days passed by.

I didn't tell Jane about either instance right away, because even now I find it difficult to discuss. The more I think about it, though, the more I see my thinking on this as a bit different.

There was a point where I was adamantly opposed to ever holding any church position again. I was frightened by the thought, but even more, I did not trust myself. I was emotionally weak and vulnerable and even if I could muster some energy for a minute, I didn't trust that I could maintain it.

I feel different now. Not that I'm saying I'm "ready," or anything like that. I guess it's that I can't say "yes," or "no." Right now it's a pretty certain, "I don't know."

---

So, I actually started this post the other day and didn't finish. This morning I opened it up again, and this was the 'verse-of-the-day':

“And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him, to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven” -Luke 1:76-78

Meh... I don't know. I'm not really reading into that as an answer to the above, but... I do have to admit.... I was really struck by, "...to give his people the knowledge of salvation - through the forgiveness of their sins -- BECAUSE OF the tender mercy of our God..." ... That's some powerful stuff right there.

Anyway, I should probably pour this onto the page before it gets buried in the bile of all my other unpublished banter. In the end, I still feel a pretty solid "I don't know." And maybe that's progress. In the meantime, I've got some sweat towels that need folding. Honestly.

Leading by following (the shirtless dancing guy video)

Church leadership has been a hot topic - at least in church leadership circles - for quite some time. Personally I can remember back as far as Elmer Townes, to John Maxwell, and up through Hybels, Warren, and countless other mega-church pastors who were hoisted up as people to follow in order to make our churches great again. And I certainly mean no disrespect to any of these people, they may all be/have been great guys. Yet, this leadership culture thing seems to have created some pretty unhealthy pastors, churches, and people.

Last night was my first time witnessing the 'Shirtless Dancing Guy' video though... and we may be onto something!

Apparently our pastor showed the video this past Sunday. I was outside at the time, but it was requested we watch it at Beer Study/Bible Tasting last night, so we did. You can (hopefully) watch it below (if that doesn't work, here is the link: https://youtu.be/hO8MwBZl-Vc):

What I like about the lesson is the person suggested as the proverbial "leader to emulate" ISN'T the shirtless dancing guy... but the first guy that joins him!!! That's where the challenge is: the leader is actually the FIRST FOLLOWER!

So, in essence, I guess you could say the shirtless dancing guy is like... Jesus. The rest of us just need to follow him... until someday we've got a great big dance party going on. :)

------

Anyway, I haven't thought it through a great deal, and this is some serious over-simplification, but it made good sense to me at the time. Now I want to watch the video again!

Random stuff (what I'm...)

I've had a few things on my mind lately, and rather than trying to write about each of them individually, I thought maybe I'd just lump them all together. So...

WHAT I'M READING
Haiku -- The Sacred Art: A Spiritual Practice in Three Lines (The Art of Spiritual Living), by Margaret D. McGee.  I received this book awhile ago and have recently started reading it. I'm not too far in, but it seems like something that would be good for me right about now. Although, it's not meant to just be read, but to be practiced WHILE you're reading. I haven't actually written any 'official' Haiku's (other than in my mind), but I will admit the principles have started to form in me. The simple idea of noticing things... moments... and taking them in more fully. So, yeah, this is what I'm in the process of reading...... and processing.

WHAT I'M PONDERING
I always enjoy insights from Ben and Matt at Gravity Leadership, and I found this post quite helpful on a third way of church leadership: Center-Out Leadership (https://gravityleadership.com/center-out-leadership/). I read through it quickly the other day, but I'd like to spend some more time pondering it. It makes sense to me. Great sense. Yet I'm not sure how much I want to think about church leadership. I suppose if I did, though, this would be a good place to start.

WHAT I'M CONSIDERING
I have a membership to Rightnowmedia, and I've been considering looking into a group study of some sort.... maybe for church.... maybe for Jane and me to lead together, or just me... I don't know. Anyway, one that has caught my eye is Resolving Everyday Conflict from Peacemaker Ministries. The little blurb says:

Resolving Everyday Conflict is an eight-lesson study that unpacks the amazing things the Bible has to say about conflict and relationships. As you go through this study, you'll find the powerful and practical answers you are looking for to forever change how conflict looks in your life.

I don't know about all that, but learning to resolve conflict is certainly something most people could probably use. God knows I could.

There is also a book by the same name. I suppose I should maybe read it first. Although I'm not entirely sure this is something I want to get involved in (leading a group), but it's something I'm considering.

And...... that's about it. For now.

The trouble with trickle-down (listen up)

I've been thinking about the concept of 'trickle-down' theories lately, and the pitfalls of such. I'm sure growing up in a family of simple, working-class, democtrats has given me some bias against trickle-down economics, but I've been thinking of it more from a leadership standpoint.

'Trickle-Down Economics' (or supply-side economics) is, of course, the idea that giving tax breaks to the most wealthy (individuals and businesses) will then generate more jobs and lower-priced products, thus benefitting everyone. It may have some merit as a theory, but has fairly obviously resulted in nothing more than creating a wider disparity between rich and poor. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and the middle-class is really the only thing trickling down - into the lower class. Even Ronald Reagan's budget director eventually fessed to the fact that 'supply-side' was just another name for 'trickle-down' economics.

It would be easy to say that good ol' American greed is the culprit in the trickling trouble, but I'm wondering if it's something else. Certainly there are greedy grinches who have no intention of helping those in the gallows below, but there are also some very kind and well-intentioned well-to-do whose funneling fails just the same.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH LEADERSHIP?
I believe many of our leadership theories and practices work from much the same principle as trickle-down economics. Regardless of whether you are talking about the business world or the church (is there a difference?), it seems so much focus is placed on those at the proverbial "top," and inevitably the flow is stopped or mis-directed at some point before it reaches the "bottom."

I suppose what started me thinking about this was the local YMCA community where I work. Since my wife works in the administrative office I have been privileged to rub shoulders with some of the folks "at the top." As a part-time employee I was also required to attend the "Y Welcome" class which all employees are required to do so we can learn what the Y is all about.

Let me be clear that I am all in on the Y's mission and values and have great respect for the people who put these things together and try to instill them throughout the entire company. That said, though, being someone who works on the lower end of the spectrum, there is a definite disconnect between what the "big dogs" are pushing.... and what the "bottom feeders" are delivering. The trickle-down theories - or vision & values - are not making their way to the people on the ground working in the local facilities (with some exceptions, of course).

WITHOUT A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THOSE AT THE TOP AND THOSE ON THE GROUND, THE MESSAGE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

I see this as the problem with any type of "trickle" theory. If the wealthy cannot relate to the poor (and vice-versa), there is never going to be an economic system that works for everyone. Likewise, company leaders who have no relationship with their average workers and what they face are never going to see their vision and values passed on - however good those may be.

If you want to take it into the church world, I suppose you could equate it to church leadership expecting to pass on the making of disciples by simply 'telling' people to make disciples, or even telling them 'how.' But if people are never shown, if it is never exemplified, or if there is no exchange of feedback and input, I believe we simply end up with more of what we've got.

WHAT TO DO?
I do not claim to have a solution, and it's simplistic to suggest we all "just get along and work together." However, I think we have somehow got to try! Whether we are talking bi-partisan politics, business ethics, or making disciples, working against one another doesn't seem to accomplish anything - at least anything good.

Isn't there a way to get parties to participate together in solving problems, to establish teamwork in the working world, and to abide together in Christ? I'm not suggesting full-on socialism, or a leaderless land, but simply seeing one another as human beings. Learning to listen; respecting our differences; perhaps even planting seeds of positivity about this place called earth so we make life just a little better for everyone.

I don't know.... It sounds cliche and people have been dreaming this dram for centuries, I know.... but what's the alternative?

A SIMPLE SUGGESTION
I know this won't solve anything, but I've been reading a book on listening. Actually, I seem to be hearing a lot about listening lately. I've been trying to put it into practice little by little. It's not always easy, and I often forget, but I thought these fews thoughts were helpful*:

• It is a listening skill to acknowledge the person who is talking.
• It is a listening skill to help keep the conversation going.
• It is a listening skill to show some approval of the other person and what they are saying.
• It is a listening skill to be able to feed back to the other person what they said and intended rather than what you selected from what they said.

(*Richard Dimbelby and Graeme Burton, More than Words: An Introduction to Communication, as shared in  Lynne Baab's book The Power of Listening)

So, that's just some stuff I was thinking about. 

Engaging young adults (w/ mark yaconelli)

I spent the day in Indianapolis at a seminar on 'Engaging Young Adults.' Apparently our church qualified for this grant program through the Center for Congregations (via Eli Lilly). We gathered with church teams from all over Indiana at the Sheridan City Centre hotel and learned about the EYA program, as well as storytelling tools and insights from Mark Yaconelli. It was good.

Awhile back I'd been asked to be part of this endeavor at our church, along with the pastor and two or three others. The others are all young (20-ish) females, and only two of them were able to make it today. I'm not completely sure about anything, but I believe this is a two-year project with the CFC. I know we are to receive a nice hunk of change (grant), but I'm still unclear about our/my involvement. I know I was interested once "young adult" was defined as "late teens to forties" though. Plus this fits into our Beer Study and Bible Tasting endeavor. So I'm in!

The event today was from 9 am to 4 pm, and let me just say that the CFC knows how to do things. The food and accomodations were fantastic! I was really surprised to find out Mark Y was the speaker though! Several of his father's books had a huge influence on me - particularly 'Messy Spirituality.' So even though I was tired, it was an inspiring day learning about the importance of and practical ways to tell and engage people through the use of story.

I've not had a chance to process things yet but wanted to get something down before I let this slip away like everything else seems to be doing lately. So here is a brief sampling of high points from my several pages of notes and mulititude of handouts...

"Every human being is waiting for a good question and a safe place to talk."    ~Mark Y.

Main points:

• Storytelling is a form of communion
• Storytelling is a form of identity
• Stories reveal the sacred
• Stories invite transformation

Elements within stories:

1. Setting
2. Character(s)
3. Struggle/conflict
4. Rising action
5. Climax
6. Resolution or insight

"A human life is a story told by God and in the best of stories told by humans, we come closer to God." ~Hans Christian Anderson

"God comes to you disguised as your life." ~Paula D'Arcy

Reconnecting with young adults, science mike, and a good day

Thursday was a good day for me. I survived my third day in a row of starting work at 5 am (and my first time having to unlock the doors of the Y), and I also had the pleasure of attending a Center for Congregations workshop with "Science Mike" (Mike McHargue). While I was celebrating my last day of early rising for the week, I was much more excited about my first "church-y" workshop in quite some time. As a double bonus, it was held at our church (Come2Go Ministries), and I was invigorated and inspired.

I have attended Center for Congregations workshops in the past. I've only recently been introduced to "Science Mike" through his work as part of 'The Liturgists' (with Michael Gungor). The Liturgists are a revolving cast of thinkers and creators hosted by Michael and Mike who discuss topics through the lenses of science, art, and faith. While some might consider them a tad irreverent, it is raw, honest, and pretty darn deep stuff as far as I'm concerned. So I was quite excited to be invited to this event by my pastor.

Mike McHargue (better known as Science Mike) is an author, podcaster, and speaker who travels the world helping people understand the science of life's most profound experiences. I look forward to getting a copy of his debut book, Finding God in the Waves. He was raised as a "believer," then became an atheist, and finally found a way back to faith again. While he is highly intelligent and experienced as a former advertising executive, I found him to be a kindred soul with a heart for those feeling left out and left behind by what passes as "the church" in the western world today. I like how he says,
  

"Everything I do is about helping the spiritually homeless and frustrated find peace."

While there is much I could say - and even more once I am emailed the slides from the workshop - I simply want to record some of the few (very few) notes I took at this workshop entitled "Reconnecting With Young Adults."

Notes:

• Millennials were defined (by Mike) as those born between 1980 and 2000. They currently make up 25% of the population - more than baby boomers (and they will continue to outgrow boomers as the older die off).
• The new "social" is not social, it is digital. However, the human brain is designed for connection. Both extroverts and introverts need to be around people - the difference is the amount of activity.
• Heavy social media use increases depression risks 27%. Heavy smartphone and tablet users are 35% more likely to have suicidal ideation.
• CHURCH ATTENDANCE IS A PROVEN SOLUTION TO MILLENNIAL DEPRESSION AND ISOLATION (as well as sporting events).
• Great stuff about the difference between HOSTING a community, rather than LEADING a community.
• Social identity is what drives human belief.
• ***'The Rise of the New Copernicans' (book or blog).
• A change in reference frames can revolutionize a society (which we are experiencing in a negative way right now).
• "New Copernicans"... 1) Reject tribalism or "us vs. them" thinking; 2) Reject "left vs. right" and "sacred vs. secular"; 3) Reject categorization.
• Mystic - someone who has experienced God but can't explain it to you.
• 'The Golden Circle' - See reference sheet/video. Start with "why," then "how," then "what." The opposite of how we use to advertise/influence.
• Think of reconnecting with young adults as HERDING CATS. 
• Make churches SAFE SPACES (the dignity of everyone must be respected)
• Communicate and act based on purpose rather than programs
• Get off campus (engage people in work they care about)
• Host, don't lead. Participate in a co-journey, rather than inviting people to follow you
• Spiral Dynamics - *did not take notes on this but it is profound stuff! Should be receiving more info

RESOURCES:

• The Rise of the New Copernicans (John Seel) - explores the difference in how millennials view the world and social consciousness. It provides helpful insight into some of the prominent features that set the new generation apart from earlier generations.
• New Copernicans - video series exploring how millennials see the world and how this is different from other generations.
• The Golden Circle (Simon Sinek) - 18 minute TED Talk from Sinek's new book "Start With Why" that articulates the difference between value-based and feature-based communication. This difference is important as it relates to understanding how people view and relate to organizations.
• Finding God in the Waves (Mike McHargue) - book

On being a pastor

I haven't linked to any articles on the blog in awhile (or though it seems). Blogging has changed, not as many people read blogs like this anymore, and to some degree I suppose I stopped caring so much (or something like that). At any rate, this morning I ran across an article from Christian Century magazine that a friend shared on Facebook. It was a pretty lengthy read, but I read it anyway. That's what I want to link to.

It took my mind to a different time and space in some ways but also raised to the surface thoughts I've likely been having subconsciously. I don't really know if I'm still a pastor or not. I'm not all that sure I even know what one is anymore if I'm honest. "Church" as I used to think of it, and as many "churched" people think of it, is not even on my radar anymore in regard to a life of faith. The term "pastor" is even more muddled.

I know for sure I am no longer paid by a church to do anything. I do meet with several people who are considered pastors - some of whom I coach, most of whom I simply try to listen to (which is what I think most of them need). There are three right now on a regular basis, and I've recently been asked to meet with a retired pastor whose wife is dying, so I suppose it could be construed as pastoring, but it seems more like "just being there." I have also been asked to help form a sort of "ministry leadership group" at a church that has no such thing. I put that in quotation marks because though those aren't the actual words that were used, and I doubt anyone has a clue what it will look like, it was the only way I knew to describe it.

Our "Church" is a unique animal. It was formed as a non-profit organization and a church formed out of it. Um... it's been a long time since I've typed the words "church planting," but... hmm... wouldn't that be a thought?? Nah, it could never happen...  Anyway, our "church" doesn't even have 'church' in its name. It's called a 'ministry.' There is a pastor - or maybe more than one, I'm not really sure - but even the pastor doesn't fit in any sort of traditional sense. He probably spends more time selling concert tickets on the phone than doing actual "pastor" stuff (because we run a concert hall). So, I guess I say all this to say, I don't really know what a "ministry leadership group" is going to look like here. And I like that.

Alright, so this has been a whole lotta words and I've still not said anything. Yes, I was going to link to an article. Christian Century posted this article by Winn Collier entitled, "Do You Actually Want To Be Our Pastor?" It is an excerpt from one of his novels and is a story about a search committee and a pastoral candidate. As I said, it is long, but it kept me reading. It also made my eyes tear up and tugged at my heart. I'm not sure if it made me want to be a "pastor" again, or if it simply encouraged me more in the direction I currently seem headed. It did remind me of Eugene Peterson's writing in regard to pastoring, and I've been wracking my brain trying to remember the piece of paper I always kept on my office wall that was my underlying vision/value/goal/guide. It went something like, "As your pastor I want to spend time praying to God, contemplating the Scriptures, and living among you," or some such thing. You'd think I could find it on my blog somewhere, but so far it has escaped me.

And I'm getting distracted again... I should probably just stop for now. I've too many things I "need" to get done on this lazy Saturday. I will attempt a dissemination of the article at a later date (maybe), but it reminded me that I did have some good moments as a pastor - times where I think I got it right. I remember when I first started I always seemed to be telling people, "I don't want you to follow me, I want us to walk together." Unfortunately, I can also recall too many times later on when the words "us" and "them" would escape my lips, and it was not always pretty.

So, I guess this is how it's going to be today. Lots of rambling, some bad memories, but perhaps the slightest glimmer of hope that there still might be something there... somewhere.

Chan's "biblical" church

I was reminded of this post from 2 years ago the other day. I believe it must have been 2013 when I heard Francis Chan give this talk in Fort Wayne (even though I said then it was 2015). Anyway, just posting this here again for further consideration:

A couple years ago (7.18.15) I had the pleasure of hearing Francis Chan speak in Fort Wayne. If I remember correctly he was just starting up a church in his home, and the gist of his talk was based on this question: "If someone asked you to describe church using only the Bible and not your experience, how would you do it?" That's what he intended as the basis for his church. I happened to run across my notes the other day...

According to Francis, the average person could spend 3-5 hours a week leading a church like he had in mind. He believes it should be built on 4 things:

• Love/Family - Basically the "one another" passages. He asks, "What if we REALLY loved one another?" Hmm... good question.
• Training/Equipping - According to the Bible the gifted people were equipped for works of service. Just like in a family, where people (kids) are trained in order to be released into the world.
• The Mission - Everyone should be making disciples (the Great Commission).
• Gathering together regularly. Acts 2:42 "They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer."

 Anyway... I'm not saying whether Francis is right or not, or even if I agree with these four descriptors. But I'd been looking for them, and thinking about this, and am glad I found them.

What i miss

I've been asked by a couple people recently if I miss being a pastor. That's difficult for me to answer, because I'm not really sure. Certainly there are things I miss about the life I lived as a small church pastor. There are also many things I do not miss. So I got to thinking about what I miss the most.

Prayer & Contemplation

Yeah... I miss the silence of days spent in prayer and contemplation. Reading. Singing. Crying. Meditating. Thinking.... Listening to God. That is definitely the part of it I liked the best. I miss that intimacy with God that came from those times. I also miss how I would picture the people in my congregation, and other friends, as I prayed over them each morning.

I really don't miss preaching. I can't see myself leading worship. Perhaps praying, or giving a communion meditation or something. But I don't miss teaching, or leading board meetings, or even attending them. And, while I never liked it at the time, and still don't have much desire to actually do it, I miss the times I spent visiting with people - whether in a retirement home or their own home. That seems odd to me as I think about it now.

This whole thing seems a little odd as I examine what I miss and don't miss. It's almost like the things I miss the most are what is perhaps most missing in expectations for our church leaders. Certainly not everyone is like that, but I don't remember being taught or encouraged in those areas when I was doing it. It seemed mostly denominational and congregational people stressed more the leadership and institutional control.

I dunno. I guess it doesn't really matter. I didn't make a very good pastor. It is what it is, and was what it was. But as I think back on some of my 'richest' moments, most of them were the hours and days spent in silence in my office or the church sanctuary, focused on communion with Him. Maybe I should have been a monk....

Overlooking prophets as persons of peace

[I wrote this awhile ago, and I'm over it. Still, thought I'd share.]
I spent yesterday listening to people discuss the prospect of creating a disciple-making culture using 3dm methods and materials. I actually woke up this morning with this burning question on my mind: In the realm of church/kingdom where we recognize people's gifting as Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Shepherds, and Teachers (APEST)... and where we also rely highly on the idea of "persons of peace"... is it possible that those who lean most heavily toward the prophetic can often be overlooked as persons of peace?

Prophets have a penchant for speaking hard truths and calling people to repentance. As such, they are often not viewed as the most desirable of sorts to be around. In fact, there are some who have an outright disdain for those of us who feel so "called" (as prophets).

So, my question stems from feeling neglected as a potential person of peace to be discipled. It is my understanding that in a 3dm culture (for lack of a better way to describe it), that a person feels drawn to "huddle" (or disciple) those seen as "persons of peace." These are people you feel God calling you to disciple, but part of that also usually falls into the human categories of: you like them, you feel comfortable being around them, you have a desire to pour your life into them. As someone who believes I fit into the prophetic, I often feel like most people don't view me as likeable, comfortable, or worth pouring their life into.

I also struggle with feeling a bit rejected as a huddle participant. My wife and I have come right out and asked to be huddled before, and yet no one has ever asked us. So I guess I'm wondering if if it's just me/us (though I can't imagine it's my wife because everyone likes her), or if those who exercise their prophetic gifting are often overlooked by others as being potential persons of peace due to who they are??

Personally, I guess I am starting to question relying too heavily on either the APEST/Five-fold ministry idea, or the 'person of peace' thing (depending on who's definition of it you use). I'm just not sure the Holy Spirit really packages things all that neatly. Or, maybe it's just me that's not put together that way. I dunno. It's frustrating.

2016 midwest convention

Well, we survived the 2016 version of the CGGC Midwest Region Conference convention. The above pic is from the brochure and it was our theme this year. The main speakers were Chris & Kathy Norman from Grace Gathering in New Haven, and Dave & Gwen DeSelm from Fellowship Missionary in Fort Wayne. It was held all day Friday through early Saturday afternoon at Urban Light Community Church of God in Muncie, IN.

I was glad Jane was able to attend with me this year. The last couple years I attended by myself. The lack of participation by so many pastors and entire churches in the region, though, makes me wonder how much longer we will even do things like this. Those decisions have nothing to do with me, but I was surprised at just how bad things seem to have gotten in our three-state region (Iowa, Illinois & Indiana). It would appear I am not the only one who has been ignored by the administration.

At any rate, Jane and I had an okay time. We did not attend any of the business sessions - since we really don't have anything to do with the denomination anymore. Our only reason for attending in the first place is because this is the body that holds my ordination credentials, and supposedly it is mandatory that all those holding such credentials attend the annual convention. So I fulfilled that obligation. We also actually LIKE to attend these things (or at least used to when we were included) because it's a chance to catch up with a lot of old friends and acquaintances, and we like learning. This year was equally ironic in that the main speaker is from the church we have attended for the past three years, and Fellowship is just down the street from our house. Chris & Kathy are great people and we appreciated the connection.

We did get to visit - ever so briefly - with some old friends from the region. We saw Eddie, Lance, Darl, Brent, Steve, and several others that I'm forgetting. There were so many who were not there this year though. There was also a good-sized group from our former church, and one of them was even kind enough to come and speak to us. Matt wasn't part of the leadership when we left, so I suppose he didn't get the memo to ignore us. Anyway, it was good to chat with him, as well as the others.

As the theme suggests, the convention was built around the idea of discipleship. Apparently our tribe is moving toward a 3dm ideology/methodology. We enjoyed listening to the talks. Even though it was nothing new to us it's always good to have things reinforced. I do have to admit that it feels a bit odd that the region of our denomination I am supposedly a part of is going through something I've been invested in for the last 4-5 years, and it's led by people from the church I am currently a part of, yet no one from my denomination has ever even asked me about it. Given the fact that my regional director refuses to acknowledge me or respond to my messages, I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise. It still just seems weird to me; and leaves us feeling pretty completely abandoned, rejected, and dejected about our place in this group of people. It's just plain sad.

On Friday, after we left the convention, we drove over to Anderson and dropped off some supplies at the Exodus House. Stevo was there and we had a nice chat with him. That place has come so far and we are super proud of not only the fact that it's still there, but still growing and developing. 

So, I guess that's about all I've got to say. It was nice to get away from work for a day; nice to see some old friends; the Urban Light band led us in some fantastic worship; but other than that... it was just another conference that left me feeling bummed and bewildered after it was over. Such is life, I suppose.

Fivefold ministry gifts

The sermon at our church this past Sunday was on the Fivefold Ministry Gifts. The pastor used Acts 11:19-30 and Ephesians 4:11-13 as his texts. This was nothing new, but just for the sake of writing it out, and as a reminder, I thought I'd put some thoughts down here.

Here is a list of the Fivefold Ministry Gifts and their characteristics (that our pastor shared):

Apostles - big picture visionaries, start new things, risk taker, futuristic, adventurous.
Prophets - sensitive to God's voice(?), prayerful, often see things in symbols/pictures.
Evangelists - love meeting new people, bold, persuasive, energetic.
Pastors - support people, shepherding, caring, patient, encourager.
Teachers - instructing others, protecting biblical doctrine, study, helping learners.

He also discussed the difference between Pioneers and Settlers. Pioneers are usually apostles, evangelists, and prophets. Settlers are usually pastors, teachers, and also prophets (prophets are hard to categorize).

We ended with the pastor giving us some insights into determining which of the fivefold gifts fit us. He said to ask these questions?

• Which fills you and doesn't drain you
• Which do you feel good at
• Which do you feel most passionate about
• Take a spiritual assessment survey
• What do those closest to you think

 I probably didn't do a very good job of taking notes - I was using my phone - but some of those descriptions seem a little off to me. I must have missed some things. Anyway, I am pretty sure I fall into the Apostle and Prophet category. I always have. Prophetic because I have a strong sense of loyalty to God's Word and Truth; Apostolic because I tend to have a big-picture view and I see a need to fit things together or work things out in a big-picture way. This isn't really reflected in the definitions listed, but based on what the speaker was sharing it was the first time I've really noticed how beneficial it is for me to be fairly evenly split between the two. They should kind of balance each other out a little; plus the fact that I run pretty closely between the two on tests and whatnot. So it was somewhat helpful.

I'm not at all sure how my gifts could ever contribute to the church community we are presently trying to be part of, but I suppose there are ways I can operate/use my gifts for the Church at large.

Some thoughts I have as I write this out...

Teaching and Pastoring are probably - and have probably always been - two of my weakest areas. So it's interesting that I spent 14 years as a small-church pastor. On the one hand, I used to feel like I was a good fit as a small-church pastor - because my gifts are spread pretty wide. However, as I thought about it this morning, I can see where I was a really terrible pastor. The difficult thing for me is to remember that just because I do not have pastoral gifts doesn't mean I'm a terrible person. It just seems like that.

I also think my burnout can be attributed to the fact that I had to operate outside my gifting for so long. I was spread too thin, and simply drained myself dry.

I actually used to think I was a fairly good pastor at one time. Even after leaving the church, I was kind of waiting for someone to ask me to take another church, or suggest that I should. But no one has. So that's kind of telling. Again, it shouldn't be a bad thing - it is not for everyone - but it's a bit sobering to think of how long I did it and thought I was doing okay... I suppose I was rather clueless.

Anyway, I guess it is what it is, and I am what I am. Leaning apostolic and prophetic was not my idea, and I don't enjoy being someone seen by others as unhappy and never-satisfied, but I guess pleasing others is not really what matters.

Life is long. And strange. Today is a new day.