An honest answer

I haven't posted anything for a few days because..... well, I've been thinking (along with working, and shopping, and various other holiday sort of things).

What has been occupying my mind, you ask? Well, I had a couple conversations last week that caught me off guard. Not in a bad way, but totally unexpected. As I've rolled them around my mind I don't know that it's even so much the conversations themselves that struck me, but more some old rusty notions that have been jarred loose and left me a wonderin'.

The first conversation was with a pastor friend of mine - perhaps my closest friend - and this one REALLY caught me by surprise. He'd been asked by a mutual pastor friend, who is in the denomination that holds my ordination, if he thought I was "ready to take a church again." Apparently the Regional Director had asked this mutual friend, and the mutual friend knows I meet with this close friend regularly, so I suppose he was trying to get some insight.

What pleased me most about the whole thing, though, was my friends response. When asked if he thought I was ready to take a church again, he simply said, "What I know is, if you ask Dan, he's going to give you an honest answer."

Now, I'm aware there may have been a chuckle or two involved between them, because I've always been known to be a little outspoken. I have a history of not being a hoarder of my opinions. I've seldom been hesitant to speak my mind. Often to the dismay, and with little regard, for those around me.

The other side, though, is that I do value honesty. It's nice to know others recognize this. My yes is generally a yes, and my no a no. You don't have to wonder.

So.... that happened. The other conversation happened to be with a different pastor - just a couple hours after this one - and it was the pastor of the church we currently attend. We got together for coffee (I had tea) and were just shooting the breeze. This was not out of the ordinary, but at one point he started talking about some issues the church is facing. As he talked about the board and some upcoming available seats on it, it didn't really occur to me what he was getting at. Finally he spit it out ever so round about that people are wanting to know if I would be interested in serving on the board.

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Well.... I have to say.... it's been years since my brain has even teased such tidbits. Granted, when I first left full-time ministry five years ago, I didn't expect it to turn the way it did. I thought I simply needed some time away and then I'd pull myself back into the saddle and carry on. Yet the longer it went, and the further I drifted, any such notions turned to nonsense and eventually failed to register at all. Sure, I would occasionally think about leading a small group, and I've hoped I could help by preaching a sermon here or there... but those ships sort of sailed further as the days passed by.

I didn't tell Jane about either instance right away, because even now I find it difficult to discuss. The more I think about it, though, the more I see my thinking on this as a bit different.

There was a point where I was adamantly opposed to ever holding any church position again. I was frightened by the thought, but even more, I did not trust myself. I was emotionally weak and vulnerable and even if I could muster some energy for a minute, I didn't trust that I could maintain it.

I feel different now. Not that I'm saying I'm "ready," or anything like that. I guess it's that I can't say "yes," or "no." Right now it's a pretty certain, "I don't know."

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So, I actually started this post the other day and didn't finish. This morning I opened it up again, and this was the 'verse-of-the-day':

“And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him, to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven” -Luke 1:76-78

Meh... I don't know. I'm not really reading into that as an answer to the above, but... I do have to admit.... I was really struck by, "...to give his people the knowledge of salvation - through the forgiveness of their sins -- BECAUSE OF the tender mercy of our God..." ... That's some powerful stuff right there.

Anyway, I should probably pour this onto the page before it gets buried in the bile of all my other unpublished banter. In the end, I still feel a pretty solid "I don't know." And maybe that's progress. In the meantime, I've got some sweat towels that need folding. Honestly.