Your war with hope

I am continuing my way through Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you?
• Chapter 9 - What if you explored your collective/cultural story?
• Chapter 10 - What if you explored your story with God?
• Chapter 11 - What if you explored your story with kindness?
  

Today we will look at chapter 12: "Your War With Hope." This is another chapter I felt worthy of sharing as part of a Sunday message.

p. 225 - He opens the chapter with this incredible quote from Barbara Kingslover (Animal Dreams):

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is to live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance, but live right in it, under its roof."

p. 226 - ***Of Psalm 27:13-14 he says... "There is a relationship between hope and waiting. In fact, the bodily experience of hope is very similar to the felt experience of waiting. If you are hoping for something, you don't have it yet. Therefore, you're waiting for it. But hope is not merely waiting. There is another element to it. Hope involves groaning. Groaning from the inside. Longing for something. Hope is groaning inwardly while waiting expectantly. Both. Hope is groaning -- longing for something -- while, at the same time, expecting it to happen. ...And this is very hard to do." 

p. 227 - "And there's the key -- wanting. Hope is letting yourself want. And when you let yourself want something you do not have, you experience an inward groaning. You feel the longing. Your whole body fills with the ache of not-yet-met desire."

p. 228 - ***"When hope feels too risky (or too stupid), we tend toward one of two alternative postures: (1) we deaden our desires (try to kill our longings), or (2) we resign ourselves to cynicism." 

"It's important to understand that your body naturally yearns and groan. Look at children..."

p. 230-231 - Against the argument of "I'm not cynical, I'm realistic..."

"... here's the dilemma: there is nothing more unrealistic than the resurrection of Jesus Christ."

"If you are a Christian, your entire life is based on something wildly unrealistic."

"If Jesus is resurrected, then there is no situation in your life that cannot be upended and reversed." 

p. 232 - "Is it a broken world? Yes... but his broken body was resurrected. Will all your longings be met in this world? Of course not... but you don't know which ones."

"The biblical metaphor for hopelessness is barrenness..."

"Sarah, Rebecca, and Rachel -- the mothers of the first three generations of Israelites -- were barren! What is the story of our origins telling us? Barrenness is fundamental to the experience of walking with God. Which is to say that all who follow Jesus inevitably have a war with hope."

"Where is the barrenness in your life right now? Where do you feel powerless to create life and goodness and newness?"

"Herein lies the biggest reason we hate hope: hope forces us to wrestle with God." 

p. 233 - "'Not my will but yours be done' sounds so biblical. And indeed it is... as long as it comes after a twelve-round wrestling match with God."

"... you're called to surrender your will to God's will. Dan Allender points out that the word surrender implies there has already been a long, drawn out, bloody war. In other words, you can't surrender until you have fought with God. In war, you don't surrender until there is no hope left for accomplishing your objective and defeating the enemy. You fight until you have no strength left to fight any longer. Surrender only comes in a moment of exhaustion."

"If you're not exhausted from fighting with God, then the words, 'Not my will but yours be done' are not words of surrender; they are words you use to allow yourself to escape the agony of hoping." 

p. 234-235 - "Hope has nothing to do with optimism."

"Optimism is a denial of the darkness that permeates the world, and it requires closing your eyes to the tragedies and injustices on every corner..."

"A life of both/and means you are just as apt to be weeping one moment as you are to be laughing the next. You are never far from mourning (because you have eyes wide open to the pain in this world) and never far from rejoicing (because you have eyes wide open to the goodness of God in the land of the living."

p. 236 - In response to "Is it reasonable to hope?"...

"Jeremiah 30 is vitally important for people who have a history of trauma." (note the contrast between verses 12 and 17)

p. 237 - "What is required for the genuinely new to come into existence in your life? An act of creation."

"What if the Creator has the freedom to continue to create new things?"

CHAPTER 12 KEY POINTS

• Engaging your story can be a daunting journey, especially when it involves confronting the spectrum of hope and hopelessness.
• Your war with hope is fueled by your awareness that you don't know which of your longings God will fulfill in this life.
• Hope is a delicate balance between longing and waiting, between anticipation and uncertainty. It's a paradoxical force that both sustains and torments us, pushing us to yearn for what seems unattainable while daring us to believe in the possibility of transformation.
  

 

Be kind (to yourself)

 I am continuing my way through Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you?
• Chapter 9 - What if you explored your collective/cultural story?
• Chapter 10 - What if you explored your story with God?

Today we will look at chapter 11: "What if you explored your story with kindness?" This is another good and helpful chapter.

p. 213 - ***"A year of kindness toward your own heart will take you further on the healing journey than a year of weekly therapy with your dream therapist. This is not a jab at the counseling profession; it is an observation about the power of self-kindness to evoke change in the human heart."  (Quite the statement, coming from a therapist!)

"Here is a gut-wrenching truth about the by-product of trauma: the harm you do to yourself through self-contempt is greater than the harm that has been done to you. By 'self-contempt' I simply mean harshness from you to you. The opposite of self-contempt is kindness." 

p. 214 - He lists several insightful descriptions for how to know if you experience self-contempt (I'd say you probably do, at least to some extent).

"Here's the point: self-contempt blocks your body from healing. What if you began to explore your story with kindness rather than self-contempt?"

p. 215 - "... the more you are able to engage your story with kindness, the more of your story you will uncover. Similarly, the more you engage your story, the more kindness you will have access to. They are mutually reinforcing."

This is a great Carl Jung quote on the pull of self-contempt:

"That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ, all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do to the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders -- that these are within me and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness -- that I myself am the enemy that must be loved -- what then? As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer the question of any love or compassion; we say to the brother within us, 'You fool,' and condemn and rage against ourself." (Carl Jung, Psychology of Religion: East and West, vol. 11 of The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, trans. by R.F.C. Hull)

p. 220 - "Dan Allender often says, 'The hard work of life is not dealing with your pain. The hard work of life is allowing yourself to experience comfort and kindness -- from others and from yourself.'"

"The word comfort comes from the Latin prefix com, meaning 'with,' and the root fortis, meaning 'strong.' In other words, comfort is being with someone (com) to strengthen them (fort). To comfort means to be with someone out of a desire to strengthen them."

*****"Kindness is very different from niceness. A nice person will listen and perhaps say something in an attempt to be supportive or encourage. However, the words of a nice person will rarely penetrate, disrupt, or provoke. In short, a nice person is more concerned with 'not upsetting you' than with inviting you into a more repentant and redemptive way of living. When Proverbs 27:6 says 'Wounds from a friend can be trusted,' the writer is referring to the actions of a friend who risks kindness. If you are in need of care, and you are with someone who is merely being nice, nothing can make you feel more alone...

...Niceness does not strengthen us. Kindness strengthens by simultaneously providing genuine comfort and inviting us to become more fully ourselves."***** 

p. 221 - "Bringing comfort to yourself is a skill that can be learned. In many ways, this is merely an invitation to offer the Big Six to yourself (see chapter 4 for the Big Six: attunement, responsiveness, engagement, etc.).

"You don't have to respond to your story by joining in violence against yourself. You can respond to your story the way God does -- with kindness, even kindness toward your frailty." (from Dan Allender, noting Isaiah 42:3 where God says, "A bruised reed [I] will not break.")

p. 222 - "What is keeping you from responding to your heart and body with kindness rather than contempt? With kindness rather than striving? With kindness rather than enduring?"

"It's important to understand that kindness, in and of itself, will begin to disrupt the power of evil in your day-to-day life."

"Engaging your own story is as much about tending to your dys-regulated body as it is about writing out the pivotal stories of your childhood." 

p. 224 - "How does healing happen? In the end it is not truth that changes people; it is kindness."

CHAPTER 11 KEY POINTS

• Kindness toward yourself will take you further on the healing journey than you think.
• When you feel distressed or in need of care, it can be very difficult to receive kindness, especially if you have a history of harm.
• You may feel caught between your desire for comfort and your fear that others won't come through for you.
• The bottom line is that kindness -- both toward oneself and from others -- is crucial for healing past experiences of harm.

 

Next up will be my highlights from chapter 12: "Your War With Hope" (this is another fantastic chapter).

Your story with God

 I am continuing my way through Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you?
• Chapter 9 - What if you explored your collective/cultural story?

Today we take up again, looking at chapter 10: "What If You Explored Your Story With God?" This is a phenomenal chapter. It's one of those I wrote across the chapter title page "Preach!" I'm not sure if I can fit everything I've underlined or highlighted here (without including the entire chapter). Here is at least some of it...

p. 191 - "At the core of your heart is the history of how you have interacted with God about your desires and disappointments..."

Much of the rest of the chapter deals with 'Biblical Lament.'

p. 193 - ***"Job chose not to deny his pain. He chose not to deny or ignore his story, as awful as it was. He spoke about it. He put words to his emotional turmoil. He found language to express his internal reality. This is what it means to engage your story with God." 

"When your world is falling apart, will you open your mouth? Will you have the courage to express to God what you are truly feeling inside?"

"Lament is what comes out of you when your dreams are shattered. Job's heart was so tormented by his pain that his lament brought him to curse the day of his birth."

p. 194 - "...there is no shortage of biblical heroes who wished they were dead" (He lists: Rebekah (Gen. 27:46), Moses (Num. 11:15), Elijah (1 Kings 19:4), Jonah (Jon. 4:3), and Jeremiah (Jer. 20:14, 18).

p. 195 - "The laments that fill the book of Job... give us permission to feel. And if you're a Christian, chances are you need that permission. Specifically, to feel your so-called negative emotions. If you are going to explore your story, you need to feel your anger, fear, and sadness." 

Two questions on this page: 1) What is keeping you from feeling these feelings? 2) What if you prayed your feelings?

p. 196 - "Lament consists of two things: (1) allowing yourself to feel your sorrow/grief/sadness, and (2) expressing that sorrow/grief/sadness."

p. 197 - "It takes more faith and trust to take your sorrow to God than it does to push down your true feelings or deny them."

"...the path of lament need not lead to despair. Despair results when we lament without hope." 

p. 198-199 - "It is not pain we fear, it is aloneness and meaninglessness in the pain. Lamenting alone leads to despair. But lament poured out to God leads to something else. Eventually, it leads to connection with God and some measure of meaning in the pain (which in no way makes the pain 'worth it.')."

***"Tears are a form of confession. They are the ultimate acknowledgment of what was - and is - true. They are the breakthrough of the (sometimes very long) denial of reality. But, as Walter Brueggemann reminds us, 'embrace of ending permits beginnings... [for] only grievers can experience their experiences and move on.'" 

Good stuff under the heading: Feelings As A Window To Desire...

***"God does not call you to get rid of your sorrow or your anger or your fear; God calls you to honesty about your sorrow, anger, and fear." 

p. 206 - "Here's the thing: God can handle your anger. God is neither surprised by it nor afraid of it."

p. 208 - "The best way to assure it does not harm those you love is to welcome your anger, get to know it, and express it well." 

"Acknowledging your anger and expressing it will introduce you to yourself. It will allow you to become more connected to the truth of the heartbreak of your story. Your anger can lead you to get to know yourself better and to know your story better."

CHAPTER 10 KEY POINTS

• Your story likely includes seasons of deep pain and disappointment. One way to let that pain and disappointment move through you is to take the risk of genuinely expressing them to God.
• The biblical practice of lament allows you to connect with your true emotions and give voice to your sorrow and grief.
• Although it may feel scary to express your anger to God, it is an act of honesty and integrity that is essential for a genuine relationship with the divine.

 

And, there is that. Next time I will delve into chapter 11: "What if you explored your story with kindness?" 

Cologuard and eye doctor visit

A continuation of my annual physical was taking (and sending in) a Cologuard Test. Apparently I get a free one every three years. Mine arrived last week and I sent it back on Thursday. It's not the most enjoyable of things, but it beats having a full-blown colonoscopy. This is the second time I've done one.

Also, today we both had eye exams. We went to Eye Specs on Main. It's just a block over from Jane's office, and she had been there once before. This was my first time there. We both needed a slight adjustment to our prescription, which meant we both needed new glasses. I am terrible at making most any decision, and especially so when it comes to eye glasses. The ladies were very helpful though, and I just went with the one's Jane liked the best. Maybe I will share a pic when they come in. We'll see (pun intended)!

My eyes are just beginning to get back to normal after the pupil dilation. That's always the worst part - other than having to answer "Which one looks better, this one... or that one?" Sometimes I don't really know, but today I felt pretty confident of all my selections. I also have a little cataract forming, but nothing to worry about yet (I guess).

Now I suppose I should make a dentist appointment. It's been... awhile for me. Ugh. I don't really like someone putting their hands in my mouth...

Five things friday (well, snow me down)

I wasn't planning to be home writing this week's FTF at this time. I thought I would be out on my 14-mile run along the river right now. Mother Nature (or, at least the weather) had other ideas. Yeesh. Still, I guess it's Friday, so here's some stuff...

1. DID SOMEONE SAY TREADMILL?

I knew it was supposed to snow this morning, but I didn't know we were going to get 4" in 2 hours (at least)! And it's still coming down in buckets!!

I actually ran outside again this week, and the trail I use had just become mostly clear of snow and ice. So I was looking forward to, and planning in my head, my outdoor route for today's 14 mile run. However, I have no desire to trudge through this much snow for that long. I guess I will be using the treadmill again. I am one of those who runs easier and faster outdoors than on a treadmill, but sometimes conditions warrant otherwise. Ugh.

2. MEN'S GATHERING

I left the house at 6am this morning for our second monthly men's gathering for guys of our church. We do it on the first Friday of each month. As I mentioned, there was a bit of a blizzard, and we still had 16 there.

We started today by having everyone share their name, and then, imagining the scenario that the apocalypse has happened... what would we consider (or want) our contribution to be in our community? I shared that maybe I could make coffee, and oversee the library (I also considered, but did not share, that maybe I could clean the tools at the end of the day). The kicker, after everyone had shared, was the realization that the apocalypse HAS happened in many respects... So, what's keeping us from undertaking our responsibility now? ;)

The rest of the time consisted of: 5 minutes of silent prayer, a couple Scripture readings, then going around our tables (there were around 5 people per table) and discussing how our heart was, where we struggled, and that type of thing. It was nice. I think we started around 6:15 and most people left around 7:45am.

3. RETIREMENT BY DYLAN

On a bit of a different note, I read this article yesterday: 5 Bob Dylan Quotes Every Retiree Should Live By. They are:

1. "He not busy being born is busy dying"
2. "May you stay forever young" 
3. "Money doesn't talk, it swears" 
4. "Passion is a young man's game. Young people can be passionate. Older people got to be wiser." 
5. "Ah, but I was so much older then/I'm younger than that now."

I thought of some others I may have included, myself, but overall I thought these were pretty good. If you're interested in why they selected these five, or for their source, read the article. It's not long, and I found it to be pretty good.

4. BLENDING OF BOOKS

If you've read my blog lately, you know I've been reading Make Sense of Your Story, by Adam Young. The last book I read was Slow Theology, by A.J. Swoboda and Nijay Gupta. This week our pastor asked if I would give a Sunday morning talk on the Slow Theology book, so I looked back through it to get some ideas what I might say. What struck me is... how ironically similar the message of both these books is! I mean, they are totally unrelated, but so much of the same thought. I found it to be fascinating, and I will likely reference both in my talk (I haven't been given a date yet, but probably sometime in the next month or so, I'm guessing). 

Also of note, I had forgotten I had jotted down 'Robert Farrar Capon' on the cover of Slow Theology while reading it. I'm not sure what prompted me to write it down, but I've always wanted to read some of his books and never have. So, I guess we're all somehow related to Kevin Bacon (where did that even come from?)...

5. THE QUOTE

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is to live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance, but live right in it, under its roof." - Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams (this is the opening to chapter 12 in Make Sense of Your Story, and I love it!).

 

Alrighty, friends... it is still snowing, and I've got things to do...

Be safe out there. But don't be afraid to take a few risks. Someone may need you to do that today...

Your collective/cultural story

I am continuing my way through Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you? 

FYI - there are 13 chapters in all (we'll see how far we get)...

Today I share with you some of my own highlights from chapter 9 - "What If You Explored Your Collective/Cultural Story?"

Adam begins by reminding us: "The fundamental premise of story work is that your past story is affecting your present life. This is just as true for your collective story as it is for your individual story. Your day-to-day life is deeply affected by the past story of the collective to which you belong."

He shares the example that if you are a Korean American, you have at least three collective stories: the story of what it means to be Korean, the story of what it means to be American, and the story of what it means to be Korean American. All three of these cultural stories affect the way your brain takes in the world.

Engaging your story means learning something about how each of these collective stories has shaped you.

On pp.180-181...

A central tenet of story work is that in order for healing to occur, there must be an honest naming of what has been true, an honest naming of what actually happened. This is true in your individual story and it is equally true in your collective story. As a White American, I have to name what has been true of my collective story - that is, I have to put honest words to what happened in America between White people and Indigenous people, as well as between White people and the peoples of Africa. A critical part of the story of White Americans is that we stole the land we now live on, destroyed the native inhabitants of America, and enslaved an untold number of Africans to produce wealth for us.

A wound that is unnamed is a wound that cannot heal.

On the whole, American society denies the existence of its own wound.

Denial is the opposite of naming; it is the opposite of confession...

p.184-185...

To say it differently, White Americans carry immense shame inside our bodies, and we are often unaware that this shame is present. When we are aware of it, we frequently try to distance ourselves from it and/or deny that the shame is ours to grapple with...

...The healing of both people of color and White people is bound up in honestly addressing the immense harm that has been done. Yes, even the healing of White people. An Australian Aboriginal activist named Lilla Watson has often said to the White people in her midst, "If you have come to help us, you are wasting your time. But if you believe your liberation is bound up with ours, let us work together."

p.185 - "Socialization simply refers to the process of internalizing the norms and beliefs of a group that you are part of."

As for those who may be thinking, But I'm an individual. I didn't do those things to anyone, and I don't think that way... Young says modern neuroscience demonstrates this is not possible.

p.186... 

It is neurobiologically impossible to resist socialization into a collective, and it is neurobiologically impossible to be objective. The brain is a profoundly social organ - in other words, your brain has been shaped by the groups you are part of. And one of the groups you are part of is your racial group.

The first step for White people in engaging their collective story is to understand they have a race and have been socialized into whiteness. This is not a bad thing. It does not make them bad people. It simply means they have been profoundly shaped by whiteness. 

For White people like me: your character is not a function of whether or not you have been shaped by white supremacy. Your character is a function of whether or not you are willing to look honestly at your collective story and how white supremacy has shaped your neural networks. The goal is not to be innocent. There is no innocence to be proven here...

Along with Young, I was also socialized into racist ideas about Black people. I was, because my parents and my culture when I was growing up were that way. That doesn't mean I still believe those things, but I can't deny that it formed neural pathways in my brain and therefore informed my thinking.

I'm guessing this chapter may be a tough sell to many people White people in America today... but it's hard to argue with when looked at honestly.

The Chapter 9 Key Points (189):

• Both individual and collective stories influence your present day life.
• To engage your story requires identifying the particular ways that you have been socialized into a racial group.
• Interpersonal shalom (see chapter 1) requires an honest acknowledgment of the barbaric harm done by white supremacy.
• The only alternative to an honest naming of past racial harm is denial of the past, which amounts to dressing the wounds of others as though they are not serious.

 

Okay, next up will be... Chapter 10: What If You Explored Your Story With God?  

The story your body is telling you

Your body is speaking to you, you know. And I don't just mean those aches and pains you feel as you drag your weary ass out of bed in the morning... ;)

Today I want to look at chapter 8 in the book 'Make Sense of Your Story: Engaging Your Past With Kindness Changes Everything,' by Adam Young. In this chapter he asks, "What if You Listened to The Story Your Body is Telling You?"

Young notes that one way our bodies speak to us is through our physical sensations. He notes...

• "...every emotion is a combination of bodily sensations" (160)
• "...your body is a truth-teller" (160)
• "This does not mean your body always perceives reality accurately [though]... ...your body is telling you the truth about your story rather than telling you the truth about the present situation" (160-161) 

He says one of the most helpful sequences of questions he asks when engaging a client's story goes like this:

1. What are you feeling in your body right now?
2. Notice that (he says these are the two most important words in therapy)
3. If that sensation in your chest/gut/throat/shoulders/back/arms/legs could talk, what would it say?

 He says this line of curiosity almost always helps us become aware of important truths our body wants us to know (what type of emotion we're feeling, and why or at whom).

Also, on p.165, he mentions the THREE BRAINS we have. He says there are brain cells in your heart, brain cells in your gut, and brain cells in your enskulled brain (head). Phrases like "listen to your heart," or "trust your gut" recognize that these are places of knowing just as much as your head!

Young then dismantles the old church-y teaching on "Facts, Faith, and Feelings." Embarrassingly enough, I taught on this myself. The idea that we shouldn't trust our feelings, and if we want our life to go well we need to place our faith in the facts only. However, in the next few pages he shows how, since we have a triune God (the trinity), we can acknowledge knowing is more complex, as well as many instances in Scripture that point evidence (contrasting particularly Jeremiah 17:9 with Jeremiah 31:31-33). He says the point of Jeremiah 31 is that your heart is good! 

"Moreover, one of the central themes of the New Testament is that our bodies have become the dwelling place of God." (170)

The remainder of this chapter is spent on Affect Dysregulation (The primary way your body speaks is through your affect), and the chart between Hypoarousal (shame/hopelessness/despair), Regulated (calm/alert/attentive), and Hyperarousal (panic/terror/rage). 

One more thing... on p.174 he discusses "triggers" - when something "triggers you". He says this is when your body remembers something that you don't know you're remembering.

The key points of this chapter are:

• Your body will help you make sense of your story by communicating important truths through physical sensations, emotions, and impulses.
• Before you can listen to the wisdom of your body, you may need to restore trust in your body as a valid instrument of knowing.
• You have a relationship with the various parts of your physical body.
• You have likely experienced the cursing of particular parts of your body, which can make it very difficult to have a posture of kindness toward these parts of your body.

 

This was an insightful, though shorter, chapter - especially the *sequence of questions, *three brains concept, and bit on *affect dysregulation.

Your sexual story

Here we are... talking about sex. Not something I'm very good at doing, but...

I've been blogging through my reading of Adam Young's fine book  'Make Sense of Your Story: Engaging Your Past With Kindness Changes Everything.' Previously I have briefly covered chapter 4 (the Big Six things that determine our attachment style), chapter 5 (insecure attachment styles), and chapter 6 (two kinds of empathy). 

Today I want to very briefly touch on chapter 7 (What If You Engaged Your Sexual Story?). 

Young opens the chapter with this quote from Jay Stringer (from his book 'Unwanted'), which, in my humble opinion, packs quite the punch!:

"Sexual brokenness pinpoints the location of our past harm."

Another reference work he mentions is 'The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse' by Dan Allender. I have not read it, but probably should at some point (being a victim of childhood sexual abuse myself). 

From here I'm merely going to list some of the points I underlined in the chapter:

p. 131 - "You are aroused by particular things in the present because of your experiences of being aroused in the past."

p. 132 - "If you are married, you likely fight with your spouse about sex and/or sex seems more complicated than it should be. What if these fights or complications are best understood as the inevitable conflict between your childhood story and your spouse's childhood story? And what if understanding your family of origin story can help you make sense of the madness in your marriage?"

p. 132 - "The primary way evil assaults your sexuality is through the introduction of sexual shame. Shame is the bodily sense that there is something wrong with us, and therefore we are undesirable to others..." 

p. 133 - He asks the reader to write a one-page narrative answering the following questions (there are a number of questions at the end of this chapter, and space to write out answers):

1. How did you first learn about sex and sexuality?
2. How have you experienced sexual harm?
3. What specifically do you feel sexual shame about?

*The bulk of the rest of the chapter is on Sexual Abuse,  and there's a bunch on Triangulation (which I feel like I can't explain very well).

p. 153 - extended quote - **

The second reason many of us are ambivalent about our desires is because if we are insecurely attached, we have a truckload of unmet desires in the basement of our hearts. And we've been carrying around these unmet longings for years and years. Avoidantly attached individuals often deal with these unmet desires for relational connection by shutting down the attachment circuitry in their brain -- that is, by shutting down the parts of their brain that want, that long, that yearn...

If you let yourself connect with your sexual desires, you risk reactivating that part of your brain that has been so deeply wounded -- that part of your brain that holds a storehouse of unmet desires. This is a deeply disappointed part of you. It is a desperate part of you. You don't want to get connected to your unmet longing. And so you shut down your 'Wanter.'

To say it another way, you don't let yourself have sexual desire for your partner. In marriage counseling, you'll say things like "I just don't have as much sexual desire as my partner." And sometimes this is true. However, oftentimes it would be more true to say, "I'm terrified of letting myself feel my sexual desire for my partner, and so I shut down any desire before it develops." In other words, "I don't want to want."

Once again, this is a super brief overview of the chapter. I wish I had a better handle on it... or didn't struggle with it so much myself...

Insecure attachment styles

I have been going through Adam Young's fine book  'Make Sense of Your Story: Engaging Your Past With Kindness Changes Everything.' Last week I discussed chapter 4, dealing with The Big Six of secure attachment.

Today I want to briefly touch on insecure attachment. There are two primary types: Avoidant attachment, and Ambivalent attachment (there's also a third, which Young says is 'unhelpfully' named disorganized attachment, and he does not discuss). 

As a reminder, your attachment style refers to the particular way your brain has been primed to experience relationships in the present. It is primarily developed by your parents or caregivers in childhood.

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

Young says... When your caregiver is often unavailable, dismissive, or rejecting, you will develop an avoidant attachment. It's about feeling like your caregiver was not there for you, or responsive when you felt distressed, forcing you (as a child) to become emotionally self-reliant.

Avoidantly attached adults tend to feel discomfort with emotional closeness and have a nervous system predisposed to self-regulation rather than interactive regulation. In other words, you will tend to feel more comfortable with relational distance from others. Not that you don't have, and enjoy, relationships, but you don't really 'let others in' unless it becomes abundantly clear you either have to, or they've garnered that level of trust.

Avoidantly attached adults, naturally, leave their partners feeling lonely and emotionally disconnected from them. They can be accused of "not being open," even though they don't intend to be that way. It's just how they have learned to regulate themselves. And, it can be difficult for partners to understand (and deal with), because unless the partner is equally avoidant, it comes off as not caring or loving.

Young says the avoidant attachment person will also tend to idealize their parents and minimize or downplay hurtful attachment experiences. This allows them to sidestep feeling the loneliness and emotional pain that resulted from being dismissed and/or rejected by one or both parents.

AMBIVALENT ATTACHMENT

Ambivalent attachment results from inconsistent caregiving interspersed with intrusiveness. Your caregiver may or may not be there for you, and one caregiver may be a bit too much in your business on occasion. It's difficult to tell whether or how you're going to be dealt with or responded to.

As ambivalently attached children mature into adulthood, they will tend to experience intense emotions and have great difficulty regulating their anxiety. They can appear overly dramatic at times, and are likely plagued by a deep-seated fear they are going to be rejected or abandoned, which makes it difficult to trust anyone. This leads to habitually seeking closeness (which their partner may feel is a bit much), and need affirmations of love over and over again. I thought it interesting Young said they could even become "allergic to hope."

Ambivalently attached adults often feel like they are too "needy" and that they don't deserve to be loved in the way that they want. They suffer from self-criticism, insecurity, and a sense that something is wrong with them (almost exactly how I feel most of the time).

So, here is what Young lists as the Key Point regarding attachment styles (p.107):

Your attachment style (secure, ambivalent, or avoidant) profoundly affects how you experience relationships and how you express yourself in relationships. And your attachment style develops based on your relationships with your primary caregivers.

• Secure attachment occurs when your primary caregivers are often attuned to you and often responsive to your needs and wants. Moreover, when there is relational rapture, the harm is quickly repaired. As a result, you feel seen, soothed, and safe again.
• Ambivalent attachment occurs when your primary caregivers are sometimes attuned to you and sometimes responsive to your needs and wants. At other times, your primary caregivers are preoccupied with their own anxieties, emotions, and moods.
• Avoidant attachment occurs when your primary caregivers are rarely attuned to you and rarely responsive to your needs and wants.

 **He does not that because experiences with each parent may be different, a child can be securely attached to one parent but insecurely attached to the other.

Again, like my previous posts on this book, this is a very, very brief look at what Adam Young lays out. I'm mostly writing about it in order to get a better understanding myself. It isn't exactly the easiest thing to go through on your own... but it's nice to know I'm not alone - if you know what I mean.

So, until the next time...

Five things friday (frenzy)

This day has already seemed kind of like the month of January, which has so far felt like nearly a year... I'm ready for 2026 to be over already!

Although... it's not like it's been all bad. It just started off that way. I did score a couple Wilco tickets this morning, and I'm pretty pumped about them coming to town in April!

Anyway, here's five random things that you may or may not care about...

1. DOES ANYBODY REALLY KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Yeah, there's that song... but also... my day started off with my watch not working.

A couple years ago I started wearing my Garmin Forerunner 45 watch around-the-clock (no pun intended). It tracks miles, steps, stress, and sleep (among other things). It took me a while to adjust to a healthy relationship with this - where I wasn't checking it all the time - and now I just check in a couple times a day. First thing in the morning is one of those times.

Well, apparently there was an automatic update last night... and it must have disconnected everyone's watch from their phones. At least that's what my app said when I went to check it first thing this morning. There was an apology, and it simply said to reconnect your device. Ha! Sure.

I tried and tried and tried to reconnect my watch to my phone... and it just pissed me off more and more. Finally I needed to get on with my life, so I just let it go. I did my run, went to lunch, washed the car... yada yada yada... and just now tried it again. It worked right away. I wish they'd have just told me to wait this morning, instead of me making myself crazy trying a bunch of stuff that apparently wasn't going to work anyway.

I suppose this is a 'first-world problem' though, right? (Is the USA still a first-world country?)

2. RUNNING

I've been running indoors for the past two weeks. I need to get outside again! Ugh.

This morning I ran 9 miles on the treadmill. I believe this is my last single-digit "long run" until the end of April. It really wasn't too bad - mostly because I wore a new pair of shoes (my white Glycerin 22s). I got one of the nice treadmills and didn't even listen to music or anything. I walked every 2.5 miles to take a drink (Tailwind berry flavored endurance fuel). Mostly I ran at 5.7-5.8 mph. I also saw a number of people and a couple of them chatted with me at different times while I was running.

All my runs these past two weeks have been on a treadmill, except one day I ran on the indoor track at the Y my daughter works at. Mmmmm... I didn't care for it too much. It was sooo hot, and it's pretty short. It takes 14 laps to make it one mile. I did three miles, and that seemed like a lot of times around. Plus I had trouble navigating the banked corners, especially if I was going around a walker, or the old man who was mopping. There are only two lanes.

Next week I hope to start running outside again. I hope...

3. RUNNING AROUND

I didn't have much time to lollygag this morning because I had a lunch "thing" at 11:30 this morning. That's partly why the watch situation upset me so (I ended up putting it in my watch manually - you know, because otherwise it doesn't count). 

Every month or so I meet for lunch with a group of people who work out at the Y where I work out (and where I used to work). Today we met at The Club Room at The Clyde, and there were fifteen of us. There are maybe a couple dozen if everyone ever showed up at the same time. Everyone is my age or older, and it's a somewhat eclectic group, if I do say so myself. Everyone is married, though myself and another lady don't ever bring our spouses, and one couple is two gay men (I don't know if they're married or not).

A few people are newer to the group and I don't know them very well, but otherwise I like everybody. We're all fairly different, but everyone has a pretty cool story. A couple are world travelors, a couple authors, two of the old guys played volleyball most of their lives (yes, they're tall), and... I don't know... it's just an interesting group. It's funny how we all just chat and don't really even have to think of things to say. I don't know that I've ever been part of a group of people like this in my life. It feels good to be included...

4. CAN WE LIVE WITHOUT ALCOHOL?

I get a lot of my news from the 1440 daily newsletter (email). It seems to be fairly unbiased, and generally gives me 'just enough' news, without too much... Anyway...

Today there was this article 'Can Civilization Function Without Alcohol?' that I found fairly interesting. 

It discusses "dry January" (we did a partial dry January in that we didn't drink at home, mostly), and the definite health benefits of not drinking alcohol. However, it also points out some of the benefits of alcohol on our society - especially in light of some of the alternatives we think are out there. I had never given much thought to any of this.

One other item of note, was the role GLP-1 use can play (which I was totally unaware of). As they say:

"GLP-1 drugs like Ozempic and Wegovy may reshape drinking culture by accident. Designed for diabetes and weight loss, they dampen the dopamine reward pathways that make alcohol feel good. ... As these medications spread, millions may find themselves functionally sober as a side effect, without ever deciding to quit." 

Who knew???

5. THE QUOTE

“The worst thing a jerk can do is to turn you into a jerk.” —​ Frank Oppenheimer (boy, do I resemble that remark -- both sides of it!)

 

Okay, well... I know you likely have a way busier day than I do, so... get on with it!

Stay cool... (but not cold).

Attachment: 'the big six' (secure or insecure?)

I suppose it might be helpful if I backed up a little. <beep, beep, beep>

Yesterday I discussed chapter 6 in Adam Young's book 'Make Sense of Your Story: Engaging Your Past With Kindness Changes Everything.' Today I want to jump back to chapter 4: "What if you engaged your family of origin story?"

I won't go heavy into specifics, but mostly wanted to briefly cover what he refers to as "The Big Six" of attachment. Attachment refers to the manner in which you connect with others. It's the emotional bond you develop with the people you are closest to (in most cases, parents and siblings). 

Young says, "If your primary caregivers were sufficiently attuned, responsive, and engaged with you as a child, you developed what is called a secure attachment" (1. the ability to regulate your affect; 2. built-in resilience to stress; 3. ability to make sense of your story and life experiences in a coherent way, which is important for brain health; and 4. a high likelihood of being in relationship with other securely attached people and having healthy, fulfilling, and meaningful relationships).

What determines if you will be have a secure attachment or insecure attachment? 

Young says there are six things we need from our primary caregivers to develop a secure attachment - The Big Six:

1. Attunement - your parents' desire and ability to read your emotional state.
2. Responsiveness - how well your parents responded to your emotions, moods, etc.
3. Engagement - your parents' genuine desire to know - and draw out - your inner emotional world.
4. Ability to Regulate Your Affect - (Affect refers to the felt sense of what is happening in your physical body... your internal bodily sensations) - how well did your parents handle this with you?
5. Ability to Handle Your Big Emotions - did your parents have the emotional strength to bring some containment to your negative emotions (anger, fear, sadness)?
6. Willingness to Repair Rupture - were your parents willing to repair harm when they wounded you?

Now, I don't know about you, but I feel like I suck/sucked pretty bad at these things myself as a parent... However, Young stresses over and over that we can't go there. First we need to understand how we got where we are. So, try not apply these things to yourself and your children, but to you and your parents (or primary caregivers).

Some things to keep in mind:

• "Attachment Ed Tronick points out that parents of securely attached children demonstrate attunement and responsiveness on the first try about 33% of the time! Only one time in three! The reason these children are securely attached is the parents notice when they are mis-attuning to their children and offer repair most of the time."
• "Your earliest relationship with your primary caretakers has significantly shaped the development of your brain."
  
• "The way you attached to your primary caregivers profoundly influences how you presently relate to other people."

Okay, that is the briefest of brief coverage of attachment - specifically secure attachment. 

What if your parents/caregivers weren't very good at the above? Well, the next post regarding the book - which will probably be early next week - will be on insecure attachment (you know... how I am).

See you then (unless you want to come back tomorrow for Five Things Friday). ;)

Two kinds of empathy; and memory

I'm over halfway through Adam Young's incredible book 'Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past With Kindness Changes Everything.' There are so many good and useful things (even though I had already heard most of it at his two-day seminar by the same name).

I was intrigued by his piece on two kinds of empathy in chapter 6 (Naming What is Most True About Your Story). 

As you may or may not be aware, political conservatives were throwing a fuss about empathy not too long ago... and it either included conservative Christians or was inferred to include - I can't really keep up. Anyway, apparently maga people were saying having empathy was weak/bad/wrong... or something like that. Well, regardless, that's not what this is about (You're welcome).

In this particular chapter he begins talking about Mind Mapping (as well as Traumatic Mind Mapping). Young uses the terms Mind Mapping and Empathy interchangeably. This is his definition:

"Empathy is the human capacity to know and understand another person's emotions and thoughts."

Now, when most of us think of empathy, we tend to think of compassion. But they are not the same thing. Compassion is concern for another person's suffering... and it's possible to have empathy without having compassion.

This is where he notes two types of empathy:

1. Compassionate Empathy is when you mind map someone, realize what they are feeling and thinking, and feel care and concern for their pain (what most of us think of as empathy).
2. Antisocial Empathy is a term coined by therapist David Schnartch in his book Brain Talk, in which you mind map someone, realize what they are feeling and thinking, and use that information to wound them. Bullies have antisocial empathy. That's how they prey on you.

This sort of blew my mind (as have many other things in the book - it's so good)...

Young then moves from this into the TWO LAYERS OF MEMORY we have: Implicit Memory and Explicit Memory. 

Again, when most of us think of the word 'memory,' we're thinking of explicit memories. When you recall information from a previous point in time. This begins developing around twenty-four months of age.

Implicit Memory, however, is operational before you even come out of the womb. To recall something in explicit memory, you had to be paying attention. Implicit memories are created whether you are paying attention or not! There is no sensation that you are remembering something. Implicit memory is about the "feel" of things. It's a sense. For instance, when you see a stray dog, you may instantly become afraid and panic. Your body has recalled a bad experience with a dog. Yet, someone else may have a very different reaction, because they've had different experiences. You didn't think "I need to panic" (or not panic), you just did it.

This can be true of any enjoyable or uncomfortable situation we may find ourselves in. We don't have to actively recall what happened... we implicitly know inside ourselves, and may not even be aware of why we feel the way we do.

For instance, someone may feel like - or seem to others - to be overreacting to a situation. And perhaps you don't even know why you're overreacting yourself. It could very well be because there is no explicit memory associated with it, but there IS an implicit memory. This is where doing story work can be helpful in learning to understand who we are...

Okay, that was way more than I intended to get into. I am finding it all quite interesting, to say the least. And... today I read about engaging your sexual story. If you thought empathy was interesting, you should read this chapter! ;) 

New headphones

One thing I wanted to buy myself for Christmas was a nice pair of headphones. Of course, that's not what I did... but I suppose I moved in that direction...

I've always wanted a 'nice' stereo again. I had a really nice one when I was in high school and early on in our marriage - receiver, turntable, cassette deck, and big speakers. I can still remember driving to Sterling, IL with Moose and getting it. I'm guessing I may have sold it when we moved to Ohio in the mid-1990s (or sooner).

Anyway, I'm not sure I would even know what to look for in a nice stereo anymore - what with everything digital, and running through T.V.s and all. So I figured a good, quality pair of over-ear, noise-cancelling headphones might be close enough (with an app to make personalized adjustments). 

I admit, I don't know much more about headphones than I do newfangled stereos... so I just googled "Best headphones for listening to music." Yeah... I didn't realize they could cost so much... and there could be so many different considerations. So...

I opted to start with this pair of Soundcore by Anker Q20i hybrid active noise cancelling headphones with wireless over-ear bluetooth, 40 hours anc playtime, hi-res audio, big bass, customizable via app, and with transparency mode.

Uh... I don't really understand much of that either, but these were rated fairly high on the "best over-ear, noise-cancelling headphones for music and exercise under $250." And they were only $45 (although now I see they're even cheaper at $40)! Whatever.

I've only used them a couple times so far, including as I type this I'm listening to meditation music called "Calm the Mind and Stop Overthinking." 

My goal at some point is to use them for the following:

• Meditation (I've recently started making a point of this in the afternoons again, with my tea)
• Trying to listen to more music, as 'listening to music time,' instead of while doing something else
• I may even try listening to an audio book (I've never done it, but lots of people do)
• Perhaps when I am forced to run on a treadmill (if it's more than 3-4 miles)

So, here I sit, typing this blog post, listening to relaxing sounds on my new headphones, feeling all sorts of mellow and calm and stuff (and maybe just a tad uppity privileged).

I suppose it's a process... ;)

Dr. visit: annual physical

I had my routine annual physical last Thursday... with a new doctor. My blood test numbers were the best overall since I started keeping track in 2015 (with the exception of one). Yet... the visit wasn't without some of the normal issues.

I switched my primary care physician because we've found a much cheaper route (through our insurance) and I was just tired of my old doctor's office and how difficult it is to even get in for a visit. I like the new doctor and staff (Dr. G.E).

As for my visit: 

Weight: 161 (compared to 159 a year ago)

BP: 162/100 (compared to 148/98 a year ago)

Pulse: 63

Oxygen: 98

Of course the doctor and nurse were concerned about my blood pressure. However, I showed them my recent history (116/73 the day before, at home), along with my history of anxiety-driven readings from every other doctor/cardiologist visit... and since it was back down towards the end of the visit (the nurse just said it was in the "acceptable" range), all was well. I hate how anxious I get when getting my BP taken...

Otherwise... this is the first time I can remember when all my numbers except one were in the normal range. My glucose was 118, which is not good. It is normally just over or under 100 (should be 70-99), and was 106 last year. However, my A1C was 5.6 (which is in the normal range, although right at the very top). So, I need to work on keeping that in check. 

The lipid panel usually gets me, but not this time (I guess taking a statin for the past year has made a difference - unfortunately). Cholesterol was 168, Triglycerides 109, HDL 58, VLDL 20, LDL 90.

They ordered me a Cologuard at-home test since I haven't done one for three years. I suppose I can comply with that.

Other than that, the doctor listened to my heart, lungs, looked inside my mouth and ears, pressed on my stomach and back, and had me do a squat and toe-touches and the like... and I guess he declared me physically fit enough to live another year. So, we'll see. 

*Here is my post about last year's visit

**And my post about where I keep my annual blood test history

Five things friday

Happy Friday, my frozen friends (at least if your temps are anything like the single digits they are here!) Here are some things for you...

1. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?

I renewed my servers license earlier this week, so for at least another three years I can sell/serve alcohol and tobacco. Previously I had a simple 'Volunteer Servers Permit,' which only costs $15 for three years, but was only good as a volunteer. This time I got the regular Employee Permit ($45 for three years), so I could possibly get a job at a liquor store, bar or restaurant... if I wanted. You just never know.

The worst part of this is watching the Indiana Server Training Program video and taking the test. It took me 90 minutes, and was the same exact video/test I did three years ago. The funniest part is the lady from the coalition against underage drinking (or something) who presents her part from her bed! Her headboard is the backdrop behind her. Haha. Apparently it was recorded during the covid shutdown... so, naturally, you do your presentation while in bed! Ha!

2. BETTER QUESTIONS

I'm a sucker for these conversation-starter questions (even though I'm still terrible at conversations). Anyhew, I appreciated this list of 80 Interesting Questions to Ask Besides "How Are You?". Here are a few:

• What’s the best thing that happened to you today?
• What are you most looking forward to this week?
• What’s the last thing that made you laugh out loud?
• What’s been on your mind recently?
• If you got a do-over, what would you do differently this month? This year?
• On a scale of 1 to 10—with 10 being the best—what’s your current state of mind?
• What word describes your life right now, and why?
• Who or what always cheers you up?
• What made you smile today?
• What is the weirdest thing you saw on your commute?
• Is there anything you did today that you’d love to do every day?
• Which song would be the perfect theme for your day?
• Who made your day easier today?
• What’s one way you aim to make tomorrow better than today?
• Do you have any fun trips planned?
• What podcast are you currently obsessed with?
• What new movie or TV show should I check out? Which one is overrated?
  
• What could you give a TED Talk on with zero prep?
• What are you most looking forward to this year?
• What was the best thing that happened in school today?
• What was the most surprising thing you learned today?
• Who did you help today? Who helped you?
• When did you feel the most bored?
• What was the hardest thing you did today?
• If you could give your teacher one suggestion, what would it be?
• What made you laugh the most today?
• What is something you know now that you didn’t know yesterday?

There's plenty more at the link, but you get the idea. By the way, how are you? ;) 

3. MORE THAN RUNNING INDOORS

Yes, I did my 12-mile run on a treadmill today. It went about like you would think running 12 miles on a treadmill would go. Not great. I couldn't get my ear buds to work, so it was all done from the back row at the downtown Y I used to work at. Plus, I had a couple vials of blood sucked from my veins by the doctor yesterday, and I'm sure that didn't help. I was beat. Ugh.

However, when I arrived there were 15 other people there, and 13 of them greeted me by name. That makes a difference to someone like me, you know. And others came and went that I knew also. I really do need to get out more, and as they say at the Y (or at least they used to) - it's more than just a gym. It felt good to be noticed, greeted, and to be among friends.

4. READING

I mentioned earlier this week that I finished reading Slow Theology, by A.J. Swoboda and Nijay Gupta. What a gem. While it seems a lot of non-fiction books anymore start off well and then kind of fizzle towards the end (like they had already said what needed saying in the first couple chapters, but they needed more pages)... this one is the opposite. It started off a little slow to me (no pun intended), but boy did it end well. It got better as it went, from start to finish. Well done.

I have now started reading Make Sense of Your Story, by Adam Young. He presented a workshop at our church this past November on the contents of this book, and I want to dig deeper. After this I intend to look into some videos and other resources at the Allender Center (as well as some Jay Stringer stuff). I am finding all this very helpful right now...

5. QUOTE FOR TODAY

"The challenge of any chaotic moment is to not lose touch with the voice of Jesus." - A.J. Swoboda & Nijay Gupta, p.177, Slow Theology

 

**Bonus - This is what I'd like to do (if I did anything, and had the funds, and a building...): A listening bar. Play good music on nice sound equipment, have comfy furniture, good wine and coffee/tea, and a smooth vibe.

 

Alrighty... that seems to be about enough for this Friday. Although... I did pass my annual physical this week (more on that later), and I've switched up house-cleaning day from Friday to Thursday. So, now all I need to do is take a shower (this is becoming more of a priority by the minute), and then maybe some meditation to the J.J. Cale channel on Pandora (which I have been digging lately).

Keep the faith, friends... and your fanny from freezing!