Sleep disorder study

I suppose it means I failed. Not necessarily that I have a sleep disorder... I failed the test entirely!

Last night I did my much anticipated/dreaded at-home sleep disorder test. My cardiologist (EP) ordered it for me just to see. I told him my wife says I sometimes stop breathing when I sleep. 

I went to the sleep disorder clinic at 3:30 to pick up the stuff and have them show me how to use it. A woman who had lost her voice the day before took me into one of the bedrooms. She sat on the bed and I sat across from her in a chair. She put the contraption together and showed me how everything worked and what I was supposed to do. There was...

• One strap with the battery-operated device that went over my chest
• one strap that went over my abdomen and connected to the device on my chest
• an oxygen sensor that wrapped around my finger and connected to the device on my chest
• a tube that wrapped over my ears, went into my nostrils, and had a piece that hung down to my bottom lip - which also connected to the device on my chest.

The device was set to turn on automatically at 9pm (which is when I told them I went to bed), and would turn off automatically at 6am. I think I was supposed to wear it for at least 6 1/2 hours. I asked what happened if I didn't sleep very well. The lady said as long as I slept at least a couple hours that would likely be sufficient.

So, at 9pm I strapped everything on. I had to tape the tube to each cheek, and the sensor onto my hand. I felt like I had wires and hoses dangling everywhere when I tried to climb into bed. I wondered if I would ever be able to sleep.

Actually... I found I could sleep better than I thought. Once I lay down and got adjusted to everything, it wasn't so bad. Of course, I had to get up and pee twice during the night. Once around 11pm, and again at 4:14am. 

That's when the bad news came. 4:14am. I know, because I had a strange feeling, turned on the bathroom light, and checked all the wires.

Somehow the lead from the abdomen strap/sensor had come unplugged. I'm not sure when it happened. It could have been right from the start when I put everything on, or at any point during the night.

So, I plugged it in at 4:14 and went back to bed. I intended to get up at 5:15, but I decided to wait until the unit turned off at 6 - hoping maybe that hour forty five would be enough time to get what they needed.

When I returned the unit at 8 this morning the lady who took it from me seemed like she was in a hurry, and she didn't speak very good English either, so I didn't get a chance to say anything about it. I'd written it down, so hopefully someone will read it in the paperwork I had to submit with the list of questions from before and after the test.

Now... I wait. They said it will be up to two weeks before they send the results to my doctor.

I suppose the worst case is that it will be inconclusive and they will either want me to do it again, or they will want me to do the test there. Best case would be that they got enough info to determine one way or the other. I'm hoping for that... and that it determines I do not have a sleep disorder.

All in all, it seemed like a lot of hassle for something that doesn't seem to bother me. But, I guess we'll see. 

Bike lubing

 I'd had it on my list of things to do for over a month. Earlier in the spring/summer, we'd gone for a bike ride and Jane said her shifter wouldn't change gears. She has a Linus bike with an internal-hub 7 speed. Naturally, I procrastinated because... "internal hub." I figured it was beyond me to repair.

We finally got it to work in one gear. I kept it on my list of things to do, but... you know how that goes.

Well, Monday she wanted to ride her bike to work. Her office recently moved to a new location which is much closer than her old office. It is 2.5 miles from our house by car, and 3.5 miles by bicycle via the river greenway path. Wouldn't you know it, when she went to leave, the shifter wouldn't work again.

She ended up taking my bike, and I went out right away and started looking her bike over (still in my pajamas).

I pulled up a Youtube video on Shimano shifters that won't change gears. Oh... it seemed like a simple enough fix. They said the old lube was likely hardened and gunked up and that's what was keeping it from moving. So...

I removed one screw, popped the cap off the bottom of the shifter (after loosening the whole assembly and turning it upside down), sprayed it with some PB Blaster penetrating oil, let it sit, dried it off, shot it with some compressed air to remove particles and further dry, then sprayed it with the WD40 chain lube. Now it works like a charm!

Chain lube probably isn't the best thing to use on the shifter, but google says it's okay as long as it's not too thick. I just gave it a light spray.

While I was at it, I sprayed down the chain and sprockets too. I went ahead and did my bike as well. So, we are rolling smooth and good to go!!

This morning we both rode our bikes to her office. It took us 24 minutes together. I raced home and made it in something like 17 minutes. I drove the car there later and it took 6 1/2 minutes. And here we are…

Family vacation 2026

I'm finally getting around to posting about our family vacation from a few weeks ago. It was basically a long weekend from July 2-6. The two of us along with the Feipel five drove to Galena, IL from Fort Wayne (right about 6 hours), and the Minnesota clan drove down in just under 5 hours. We all arrived Thursday afternoon, and left Monday around noon.

This was our third family vacation where we rented a vrbo in The Galena Territory. The other times were in 2017 and 2019. It seems to work out nice for us. It's hard to beat the beautiful views in the rolling hills of Northwest Illinois; Galena is a cool little town with a lot of quaint shops, parks, and paths; and we always put the Owner's Club to good use with their indoor and outdoor pools, game room, fitness center, and courts.

This year a number of our group went on a trail ride at the Shenandoah Riding Center. Jane, Isaac, Drew, Anna, Bennett and Caleb braved an hour ride - and discovered horseback riding uses muscles that don't often get much work! I can't remember the name of their guide, but she did an awesome job - especially considering most of the group had never been on a horse before, and even the ones who had were well out of practice.

Another outing we all did together was a tour of Ulysses S. Grant's home. It was interesting, though a few of us had seen enough before the full tour was over. There were a bit too many people in our party, and it got a little crowded. 

Most of the time we made our own meals - with different people taking turns cooking. One night we did order pizza... I think it was Cannova's Pizzaria (?). Oh my... it was sooooooo good!!!

Other than that, we hired a photographer (JennaDarcy.com) to take some family pictures. She was absolutely fantastic to work with - especially since we had to work around a nasty weather system - and we got a lot of nice pics from Grant Park in downtown Galena.

So, that's the basics. As always, it was much too short, but we do appreciate our kids/grandkids taking time out of very busy lives for the biennial (every other year) gathering.We know it may not be possible much longer, but we'll take what we can get. 

It's been awhile...

I posted this on my Substack page today. I hadn't written anything there in a long while. I still go back and forth whether I like that format or this one better. Anyway, if you would like to subscribe to my substack, just click the link to my post from today (https://open.substack.com/pub/danhorwedel/p/its-been-awhile?r=1n32p6&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web) and then click "subscribe." It's free, though I'm still not sure you'll get your money's worth...

Anyway, here is today's post: 

Life has a funny way of changing us sometimes, doesn’t it? I tend to think of that as a bad thing… but is it? Imagine if we never changed…

I don’t really know why I stopped writing. One might think it was because I had nothing to say. It may be just as likely I had too much. I suppose a lot of problems have been caused by people saying things they weren’t really sure how to put into words. I’m never sure if it’s better to say them poorly, or not at all.

I finished reading the Penguin Classics book ‘The Desert Fathers,’ which was translated by Benedicta Ward. It was not an easy read - which doesn’t mean it was bad or good. I suppose it was good to read during a period of darkness. I know it was good to read while lying flat on my back for a week recuperating from a bout of stupidly lifting too much weight. I wish I could say it helped me deal with not being able to run for almost a month now. Still… I’m glad I read it, and glad it’s done.

I am currently reading through Poet Priest-Vol. II by Andy Squyres. Today’s reading included this (p.31-33): “The world is such that if you don’t abandon your tenderness early on, you will be crushed, and sometimes dramatically so. You will be crushed many times over as long as you let tenderness be active in your heart… But Christ promised that in learning from him - from Christ - we will ‘find rest for our souls,’ and I think that we who have been taught by the hostility of the world must dare to hold ourselves open again to the tender workings of Christ.” I’m trying to do that. But… damn… it fucking hurts to be crushed over and over. And I don’t say that as an innocent victim. Merely a human being stumbling through life the only way I know how.

Next up to read is Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow, by Jay Stringer. I’m not really looking forward to it - mostly because it has a lot of pages but also because of the content - but I’m also looking forward to it.

I have a lot of unread and unanswered emails. I never used to be like that. I don’t know what’s happened to me. Anyway, I was supposed to send a link to my latest “sermon” (or, the last time I spoke in church) to a couple people. I think this link still works: 5.3.26 sermon. Sorry about that.

I’m currently working on a message about Habakkuk, which is due to be delivered in a few weeks (I think). I’ve been living with him in my head for too long… though, probably, rightly so. I feel like we’re kindreds. And I can’t seem to find the right words to describe him (or me).

Such is life, eh? 

Clogged drain

Well, it's been a bit... again. We were gone for a week on vacation and I'm just now getting back into the flow of things.

Speaking of flow... the DAY BEFORE we were to leave for a week's vacation... the main drain in our house clogged. Ugh. That's such a terrible feeling.

I'd cleaned the house and did some laundry and I was washing the throw blankets we use on the couch. When I went to put them in the dryer... there was still water in the washing machine! We also have a utility sink beside the washing machine that the machine will overflow into when draining, and it was full too. Not good.

First I called Korte, because that's who we used 15 years ago when it clogged. It was about 1:30pm, and they said they could have a plumber there "sometime in the afternoon/evening." I went ahead and booked the appointment, but then called Roto-Rooter. They said they had a couple guys just finishing a job, and they would send them straight over. So I cancelled the Korte appointment. 

Two guys from Roto-Rooter showed up in 30 minutes. Since we don't have an outside drain cleanout, they were unsure exactly how to go about snaking the main drain. The inside cleanout is the old cast pipe, and the cap sits right up against the furnace (for some stupid reason). It wasn't likely to come out anyway - at least without breaking. At first they thought about pulling one of the toilets off and snaking through there. What they ended up doing was cutting the copper soil pipe that comes down from the two bathrooms. 

So, they cut the pipe and ran their snake with the root cutter through there. The guy worked at it for about 30 minutes or so. Then they patched the soil pipe with a rubber boot. All told, they were here for 90 minutes and it was $635! Wowza!! That's a bit more than the $168 I paid in 2011.

They said what we need to do at some point is have an exterior drain cleanout installed. That piping is larger and they can use a larger snake/cutting tool. It's likely that there are tree roots that have grown through the pipes outside, so it's probably only a matter of time before it happens again.

I was just relieved they got it unclogged before we left on vacation. Although I did still worry about it off and on while we were gone. One of those things, I guess.

I don't even want to think about how much it will cost to have someone put an exterior cleanout in... 

Back to back

Hey there.

So... I don't know if anyone even noticed, but... I took a bit of a break. It wasn't intended. I just sort of... stopped writing.

At first I guess I just ran out of things to say. Or maybe I simply got tired of saying them. I'm not real sure.

Then... I've been through a bit of a rough patch. Still am, in some ways. A lot going on inside my head and such. Among other things.

Some of it has not been bad. Maybe even good. Those wilderness times / dark night of the soul type things are maybe difficult at first, but usually seem to be better in the end. I guess. I can't say that I'm 'better' yet. But the silence and alone-ness has been noticed. I am beginning to feel different.

I've read some books, and am currently reading an old book on The Desert Fathers. That is somewhat helpful. I think. I feel like I'm in the desert, and a bit monk-like. And I think I feel just as messed up and vulnerable as some of them - which is why they went to the desert in the first place.

So... that's about all I've got as far as explaining my absence for the last month-plus. This may be the longest break I've taken on this blog in the twenty-some years I've been writing here (maybe not, I don't know). Anyway, I can't say if I'm 'back' yet or not... but I'm here today.

* * * * * 

Also, today is the first time my back hasn't hurt since last Wednesday. I had started doing some additional weight training and was doing some speed work running. A week ago Tuesday I added dead lifts. I really have no business doing dead lifts - especially not at my age, and since I've never done them before. Plus, I probably had too much weight on the bar to begin with. So, my back was already a bit sore from that, in addition to the normal weight routine I do.

It didn't stop there, though. A week ago Wednesday, while my lower back was already sore from the dead lifts, I did five 800 meter runs at a pace quite a bit faster than I normally go. This was after a mile warmup run. On the second one I actually had to stop halfway through because my back sent a jolt of pain into my hips. Silly me... I kept right on going in spite of it.

Well, beginning that afternoon I could barely walk, sit, stand or breathe without pain. I figured I'd give it a few days and that would be that. Except... after a few days it was still just as tight/sore. So, for a full week I mostly laid on the couch or in bed (other than the day before Fathers Day and Fathers Day itself, when we went to ribfest). However, I couldn't drive and it was pretty darn uncomfortable. 

I finally drove for the first time this past Wednesday - so a whole week later. I also mowed the lawn... with my back brace on. It has slowly gotten back to almost normal. Today was the first time I did my morning stretches.

I ended up having to postpone my at-home sleep study test, because I didn't think it would be very accurate when I was having such a hard time sleeping. I also missed an elder meeting and the Sunday gathering. And... I was plenty lonely, not being able to go anywhere or do anything.  

Anyway, I'm glad the back is back to mostly-normal. I plan to go for a walk today (3 miles, hopefully), and gradually ease back into running maybe next week or the week after. Fortunately I wasn't really training for anything at the moment. However, it is a bit of a bummer that I'd actually started making some strides towards getting a bit faster and increasing my VO2max slightly.

 

So, there ya have it. Carry on.

Five things friday (anniversary, coaching, church)

Hey there, and happy Friday to you! I am back in my regular routine again... so the house has been cleaned today, and my head feels a little more stable atop my shoulders. 

1. ANNIVERSARY #43

Yesterday was our 43rd wedding anniversary. It's weird that I can remember some things from that time like yesterday, and others... not at all. At any rate, we went out for supper last night, and discovered we sat at the very same table in the very same restaurant (Cork n' Cleaver) for our anniversary last year. We also both had a filet, baked potato, and salad bar last year too.

We talked about old times a bit last night. My first memory of m'Lady was when I was in 6th grade and she in 5th. I can still picture her, with her sandy blonde hair, standing in the hallway line for the drinking fountain. I don't know why that memory is burned into my mind, but I'm glad it is.

I don't really have any marriage advice - if someone were to ask - but I know it involves a lot... a lot of love, tears, forgiveness, life, death, humility, heartache, strength, perseverance, grace, mercy, kindness, help, kisses, sex, and... did I say love? I suppose we could go on but... you get the idea. I consider it nothing short of a miracle she has stayed with me this long...

2. COACHING WEBINAR

Yesterday I took in a webinar on 'The Art of Asking Better Questions' with J.R. Briggs. I believe it was put on by Coach Approach Ministries. That's the organization where I got my coaching license years ago, and it was good to see/hear Brian Miller (their president) again. I miss him. I also miss the leadership coaching world in general. 

Anyway, I took in the webinar yesterday because I would still like to use coaching principles in day-to-day life and other areas of leadership, even though I no longer do it formally.

Two points that stuck out yesterday:

1. "Four-year-old girls are the best question-askers." (We generally stop in middle school)
2. "The best questions are 15 words or less."

3. LUNCH WITH THE PASTOR

I had lunch today with our pastor. We spent time talking about our upcoming summer focus (as a church) on tending. The idea: 1) Create more awareness of how spiritual growth works and is sustained. This may include both the ways we knowingly tend to our souls (and the souls of others) and the ways we are pure recipients of God's tending. 2) Equip people to identify the sublime work of God within their inner worlds. 3) Encourage people to engage and learn through hands on tending to nature (gardening, landscaping, tending to house plants, time outdoors) and specific spiritual practices, which correlate.

We also shared some personal issues, as well as the struggle to guard against those who want church to fit into a certain box - especially those who ask "why can't we just have a normal church?" It may sound odd, but this is a serious thing for both of us. I always feel honored and humbled to be invited into these discussions...

4. CREATINE

I have always somewhat prided myself on not taking any supplements (other than a single multivitamin). However, I'm seriously considering adding creatine gummies (particularly this brand designed for endurance athletes). I've been seeing more and more about it, and have read a few articles. I recently subscribed to Runners Connect and their 5/12/26 newsletter went pretty in-depth into what it is, why, and the benefits especially for older athletes. I would try a daily regimen of 3-5g on a consistent basis. I have no interest in bulking up, but I can really feel how my muscles have weakened the past few years. Hopefully it would slow the deterioration down, and also aid in recovery after longer runs. So, we'll see...

5. THE QUOTE

"Stop asking what your life means. Ask what life is asking of you, right now, in this specific situation, with these specific people in front of you. Your conduct is the answer."

    - (Crazy Old Man, explaining Victor Frankl)

Okey doke... I'm not even going to look over this for typo's. You're on your own! Enjoy... and why not force yourself to smile right now. Seriously! Do it! Just... smile. Right now. Hold it for 20 seconds (or more).

There... Have a great weekend! 

Spiritual maturity: we have a good god

The second "conversation" (chapter) in Winn Collier's exceptional little book 'Let God: Spiritual Conversations with Francois Fenelon' is titled "How Do I Pursue Spiritual Maturity?" Or, as Winn says, "How do we grow up?"

On p.21 are these gems he has translated from Fenelon's work:

• "With all the mental energy we exert, we can spend so much of our life hoarding knowledge that we will need another whole life to try to actually live any of it. We face the very real danger of thinking that our accumulation of 'spiritual' knowledge is the indicator of our spiritual development. Not true."
• "We love the learning, the knowledge, the illumination of ideas, just as Adam and Eve did in the Garden. But unfortunately, we do not love simply trusting, simply obeying, simply living." (Ouch - in a good way)
• "If you just stop all the wrestling and resisting and harried effort, you will find yourself on your way to becoming who God has in mind for you to be."
• "...these are the virtues you really need: humility and self-distrust."

 Hmm... yeah... That's something worth chewing on. For me, personally, I think that's why I've always liked to read through books slowly. It is also why I have lately been leaning towards buying fewer 'new' books, and re-reading more books I've already read in the past that I found helpful. It would be nice to say I won't buy anymore books... but I know that's probably never going to happen... 

In his letter "To a Spiritually Exhausted Soul"... I liked this bit of encouragement from Fenelon (again, as translated by Collier): "...there is something very rich and pure about simply not giving up, particularly when there is little pleasure in your Christian experience."

He goes on that... if it still seems too hard... then make it even simpler: "just love God." Whatever else you need to do "will grow from the soil of love."

I like that.

The kicker in this section, to me, was this little bit:

When St. Ambrose was dying, someone asked him if he was afraid of God's judgments. "We have a good master," Ambrose said. This is what we need to tell ourselves: we need not fear death; we have a good God.

He carries on this thought...

Saint Augustine said that we need to be emptied of all we have tried to make of ourselves. That way, when we stand before God after death we have only two things to give him: our utter brokenness and God's rich mercy. This is a brilliant way to arrive before God, because our brokenness is the very spot where he longs to pour his mercy -- lots of it. And this overflowing mercy is the only thing that can ever make us (in any true sense) good.

 

Yeah... So, maybe: spiritual maturity is all about coming to realize... the goodness of God.

Hmm... 

---

• Introduction
• First Conversation
  

Trip to minnesota and my electrophysiologist visit

I am gradually catching up and getting back in the saddle today. Man, I don't know how I would ever do this if I still had a real job...

TRIP TO MINNESOTA

We visited the boy and his family in St. Paul this past weekend. We drove up last Thursday and arrived back home Monday evening. It's funny how it takes around 9 1/2 hours to get there, but it only took 8 hours and 40 minutes to get home. Weird. Although, leaving from their at 7:30am-ish put us through Chicago just after lunch time, and that's a really good time to do it.

On the way there we took Rt. 30 to I-65 to I-80/90 to I-294 to I-90/94. On the way home we took I-94 almost the entire way, then I-90 right through Chicago. From the Barrington Travel Oasis (north of Chicago) to the Skyway (south of Chicago) took right about an hour. Not bad at all. Of course, once we got to Fort Wayne it seemed to take forever to get through town...

While we were there we mostly just hung around the house, went for walks, and played with the youngest grandchild. I believe we went out to eat Friday evening, and Sunday for brunch.

HEART DOCTOR VISIT

Of course, my electrophysiologist's office called while I was on the way to Minnesota and said they could get me in to see the nurse practitioner the day after we got back (yesterday) - for my annual consultation. I took it, because the next available for him was September, and the next available with the actual doctor was now sometime in January. Whatever.

It went fine. My blood pressure was 180/90, but I think most of that is because they do it right away and I'm leaning weird on the table with my legs dangling down. It's also because I just freak out in a doctors office. No one was worried about it. My EKG was apparently fine. I told him I'd had an "episode" of some kind twice since last year - a couple days around Christmas, and again in February. However, they didn't last, and I wasn't sure if it was actual afib or something else. He said to just keep doing what I was doing.

I asked about the Watchman implant - because there was a poster in the office. He said that's always a possibility, but he said as long as the blood thinners weren't a problem, he didn't really see a need for it. Even if I someday had another ablation, the implant would be a separate procedure anyway.

I also asked about getting a sleep test done - just to see. He ordered an at-home test for me, saying that he had just ordered one for himself too. I will be curious to see what that turns up.

Otherwise... it was an okay visit. I like both the doctor and the NP. They're very laid-back and friendly.

 

So, that's about all there is to say about that...

Five things friday

Greetings, friends. I am writing on this sleepy Friday afternoon from sunny St. Paul, MN. And on my phone, no less…

1. DRIVING

We drove here yesterday and it wasn’t even a terrible trip (we would have flown, but who can afford that nowadays?). If you can finagle when you go through Chicago, it takes just a little over 9 hours. We left home at 8:20am and Chicago traffic (an hour behind us) was fine. There was some construction as we neared St. Paul which slowed us down a little, but still got here at 4:50pm (their time). Had we not had to stop 4 times we’d have been here much sooner. 

2. POLITICS

The primary elections happened in our state this past week. I have not verified it, but I read where, of the approximately 100,000 primary votes cast in Indiana, 80,000 were by Democrats, and 20,000 by Republicans. 

I know many people are expecting a "blue wave" come election day this November - meaning big Democrat gains across the country.

Personally, I don't know of one good thing to say about the Republican party. All they seem concerned with is doing whatever they can to not upset trump, so they can make more money and gain more power (which is all he seems concerned with).

So, I am all in favor of these people losing. However, the Democrats have not exactly shown me they are interested in anything other than that themselves (minus the trump part, at least in some cases). 

I'm wondering what it will take for ANY politician to address the actual problems in this country and work for the betterment of society. Healthcare, housing, the growing gap between rich and poor, common sense regulations in regard to guns, climate change, infrastructure, etc.

My guess is - until big money (corporate money) is removed from the equation, and term limits are applied to the house, senate, and Supreme Court - nothing is going to change. I have absolutely zero hope in politics. 

3. RUNNING FORM (CHI RUNNING)

I have been re-reading and re-watching some videos on ChiRunning. Something I really need to do is get my running form straightened out (again). I try to keep on top of it, but over time I forget little things - and these little things can add up over time.

So, I have re-watched this video on the basics of ChiRunning form a few times. It's another one of those things that seems simple, but it's not necessarily easy to maintain. I need all the help I can get on running economy and avoiding injury.

4. SPEAKING OF HEALTHCARE SUCKS

This week my cardiologist’s office called to schedule my annual visit. I was last there June of 2025, and they said at that time they don’t schedule appointments a year out, so they would call when they were ready. Whatever. They called from an unknown number and left a voicemail, so I called them back to schedule my June follow-up appointment. I said I would take the “first available.” The person said November was the next available time. I said, “I thought I was supposed to come back in June?” She says, “Yes, you are, but the next available appointment is in November. Do you want it?” I just laughed and said “whatever.” She said she would put me on a list in case there was a cancellation.

The very next day the office called and said I could get in next week with the NP. I said I was on my way to Minnesota and asked if there was an opening a little later. She said September was the next available for the NP.

???????

What the hell? I can’t make an appointment a year out - and maybe I can’t even make an appointment myself (unless they call me)… but when they do call, it is however many months out…?

Remember when people said we couldn’t have universal healthcare because it would take so long to get in to see a doctor….? So, why can’t we have it now???

I give up. And, I KNOW this is not because of the doctors and nurses. It’s the healthcare “system.” Which means, it’s the executives making all the damn money! Grhh.

5. THE QUOTE

“No one tells you running is 10% cardio and 90% negotiating with the voice begging you to quit.” - David Dack, endurance athlete

Okay, that’s all I’ve got for today. Sorry it’s not very cheery, but there’s nothing says we can’t have a happy Friday. Carry on… as long as you can stand it. ;)

 

 

This is why god's disappointment is necessary

Winn Collier's fine little book 'Let God: Spiritual Conversations with Francois Fenelon' is broken into eight "conversations" (some might call these 'sections,' or 'chapters'), with several letters making up each conversation. 

The First Conversation is "Why is God So Peculiar?" It sets a good tone.

Collier says on p.2 "Becoming a follower of God is hard because it requires that we submit ourselves fully to a God who is other than us."

Yeah... that right there says so much. It is hard. And for everyone who believes we can create God in our image... he is quick to set us straight...

"But God won't leave us to wallow there. He will help us, but he must upset our addiction to control... This is why God's disappointment is necessary. He is helping us, peeling back our fingers, loosening our white-knuckled grip from our life..."

Man... I so relate to that. It's why it has taken 60+ years for my mind to even begin to catch up to my body. And both are still changing! But I'm glad. Because control is a difficult thing to admit we have little of... and also something many/most of us are addicted to.

Later in this section is this translation of Fenelon's work via Collier:

"The rough, humbling waters have wrecked your self-confidence.

And this is good. There is hope in the humility we find on a hard path and in rough waters."

Are you struggling right now? Whether it be work-related, family, relational, inner self, health, financial... whatever... What if this is all due to your white-knuckle grip on control of your life? What would happen if you simply... let go?

A saying the wife and I are fond of us, "What's the worst that could happen?" Seriously... what's the worst that could happen? Really. In light of eternity... 

 

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope.

With less of you there is more of God and his rule."

- Matthew 5:3 (The Message)

 

Subvert the lies by living the truth

As I mentioned the other day, I am reading Let God: Spiritual Conversations with Francois Fenelon, by Winn Collier. It has been good so far...

Despite the homemade-looking typeset, I like how these "letters" from Fenelon (as interpreted by Collier) are grouped into themes, but each separate writing is only 2-3 pages. I like reading short bits like that.

In the introduction Collier brings out this point from Fenelon's writing: Of his correspondents who have asked for his advice (FF), "He suggests that they subvert the lies by simply living the truth." 

Yes! Is that not something we need today? And, not truth as in "Let me say some nasty thing that we're all thinking"... but, more... truth as frankness. Good, honest, and true.

It's like... I was proud of my wife recently. Someone she works with said something that hurt her feelings (among other things). Rather than letting it fester and create a further divide, or gossiping to everyone else about it, she asked to meet with the person one-on-one. She shared how what was said made her feel, truthfully. There was no blame, no accusation, just... this is how that made me feel. The world could use more of that.

Regarding the subject of the book, Collier says this on p. xvi of the introduction:

Many of us long for a wise elder voice to provide us with spiritual direction. We do not want to be coddled or cajoled. We do not want to be given small-minded moralism. We long for depth and authenticity. We do not want a quick fix or a trite answer. We just want a wiser voice, one who knows God and his ways. And we want to learn how to live in our world in a manner that is truly good...

That! That's what I want. I want that with God, and with the people who are part of my world. Unfortunately, I am not very good at it. So, I'm trying to be better... or to allow God to help me.

I have read about a quarter of the book so far, and have underlined probably half of that. It is slow reading, with nothing fancy or resolved. It's just my style.

I hope to have more to write on this book in the future...

After running a marathon

So, the latest marathon has been done for a week now. It was nice to take a week completely off from running, lifting, and basically any other exercise-related endeavors. What did I do instead? Well, other than starting a new book and catching up on some unread emails...

THE DERBY PARTY

We attended our annual Kentucky Derby party Saturday. It is hosted by a couple I met when working at the Y, and there is a whole group of people who work out there that get together once every other month or so for lunch, and this couple has this party every year.

Ry & Laura host it (he is 83 but still fit as a fiddle - he was a long-time volleyball player and they both still work out every day). Others in attendance were: us, Jane T. (her husband, Tony, was coaching a club volleyball team and wasn't there), Joe & Robin, Jim & Kathy, Andy & Mary Jo, Tom, Steve, and there were another half dozen that couldn't make it to the party.

The hosts supplied pulled pork sliders, sodas and bourbon, and everyone else brought food and drink to share. Jane always makes these cucumber/tomato things on a cracker-size bread thingy, and we also usually bring some Dark Horse red wine.

Everyone draws their horse/horses out of a hat for $2 each, and the winner gets the big pot. There is also a prize for best male/female hat, and the last-place horse. We didn't win anything this year. It was still fun!
 

PREACHING

I gave the message at church yesterday. It went fine. Oddly enough, I think I am less nervous/stressed about speaking at this church than I ever was at the church I pastored. Maybe it's maturity, or... I don't know what.

I opened with the 1995 Dishwalla song 'Counting Blue Cars' ("tell me all your thoughts on God..."), then loosely used info from the book Slow Theology as a guide - also incorporating John 14:1-6. My main points were: 1. We are all theologians, 2. We're not always good at it though (some 'thoughts on God' are not helpful), and 3. That doesn't mean we are wrong, just unfinished (there is a difference between bad theology and unfinished theology). The closing went from the Barbara Brown Taylor quote "If our theology doesn't make us more loving, there is something wrong with our theology," then used this piece from Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz as an illustration of what it might should look like:

A guy I know named Alan went around the country asking ministry leaders questions. He went to successful churches and asked the pastors what they were doing, why what they were doing was working. It sounded very boring except for one visit he made to a man named Bill Bright, the president of a big ministry. Alan said he was a big man, full of life, who listened without shifting his eyes. Alan asked a few questions. I don't know what they were, but as a final question he asked Dr. Bright what Jesus meant to him. Alan said Dr. Bright could not answer the question. He said Dr. Bright just started to cry. He sat there in his big chair behind his big desk and wept.

When Alan told that story I wondered what it was like to love Jesus that way. I wondered, quite honestly, if that Bill Bright guy was just nuts or if he really knew Jesus in a personal way, so well that he would cry at the very mention of His name. I knew then that I would like to know Jesus like that, with my heart, not just my head. I felt like that would be the key to something.

 That seemed a good segue into communion...

BEGINNING AGAIN

Today was my actual first day to run/jog again after the marathon. I jogged 2 miles and walked 2 miles. I was surprised how sore and sluggish I was to start, because I thought my legs and everything felt fine. About a mile in I started to feel normal again. However, even though I went super slow, I was kinda sore afterwards. 

I will likely ease back into it slowly. I will start lifting weights again tomorrow, and maybe not job again until Wednesday. I have no reason to rush back into things, but I would like to keep up 3-5 miles/day several days a week, and then one long run per week of say 6-10 miles. That way if a half marathon came up, I should be close to ready. Of course, I always say I want to work on speed and getting stronger... We'll see.

HEADLIGHT RESTORATION 

My main accomplishment today was restoring the headlights on our Honda Accord. The first pic is what the headlights looked like AFTER I washed them. They were so cloudy. I didn't actually expect the stuff I bought to work. However, it appears it did!! I am shocked! So, that was an hour well spent...

 

Five things friday (funk, fodder, fénelon)

Greetings, folks. I'm not sure what it's like where you are, but sitting at my dining room table where I normally type this out, it is a dreary-looking funky day. Yet, here's five(ish) things...

1. FUNK (NOT GRAND)

I am not talking about the music genre, Grand Funk Railroad, or even the smell... But I'm in a bit of doldrums the past few days. I don't know if this is the post-race letdown, or if it's simply because my normal routine has been disrupted, or... what. I suppose it could be several things. 

I don't think it's anything serious, but it's kinda like my brain is tired. I haven't run this week, we made a quick trip to Peoria to see Jane's brother in the hospital, another trip is coming up, I'm still trying to pull together my sermon for this Sunday, and wondering about what my purpose (or place) in life is, why I exist, how to make some money, is the world going to end, is there any hope... you know, just the normal noises. Plus, it seems a lot of the strides I'd made emotionally over the past six months... kind of got sucked out of me all of a sudden awhile back... and it's frustrating. 

Maybe I'm just tired. I don't travel well, and I really need a regular routine. I don't think everyone realizes how difficult it can be for people who rely on routines to suddenly be deprived of them. I'm picturing a very wide-eyed, frightened child sitting inside my head right now, hugging their legs, rocking back and forth, wanting their teddy bear...

Anyway, I know this too shall pass (I hope). But it's there. Now. It came on fairly suddenly, and will likely (hopefully) leave just as suddenly. I hate it. I can feel it in the front part of my head - sort of between/behind my eyes. Sometimes it has seemed the story of my life... though it's been quite awhile sense it's visited.

2. WHAT DO YOU THINK

This morning I read this: "In 1800, 99% of physical work was done by humans and animals. Today less than 1% is. Today 90% of cognitive work is done by humans. Some now claim 90% of that will go away." That didn't really help in regard to point one above. Plus the fact that the U.S. debt now exceeds the size of the U.S. economy, I almost literally can't drive in our town because of all the road closures, our government is insane, culture is crazy, and, you know, just... everything else! Things feel a little hopeless. Which, I know, is how certain someone's are trying to make us feel. 

But "thinking"? Could it really get worse? 

I was actually thinking while driving yesterday that maybe I should just stop running, and start trying to earn some income. Or at least consult AI and figure out if I could come up with some kind of business model for this blog (or probably the substack - which I haven't touched in months). But even that seems pointless (see Ecclesiastes). 

I dunno. ... ... ... I had several things I started to write here, but... meh.

3. SYSTEM OVERLOAD

I'm sorry, but there are simply too many things to insert here... and the system has shut down. I could name off several of them, but even then, there would be too many. Sorry. Just one of those days...

4. BOOKS

I have started reading Let God: Spiritual Conversations with Francois Fénelon, by Winn Collier. I didn't realize there are apparently two versions of this book. This one looks almost self published, as the type-set is very weird. I think I wish I'd bought the one from paraclete, which looks a little better, but... whatever. I still think it will be a good read and will maybe set my brain aright again (?). 

5. THE QUOTE

"If your faith is more "white-knuckled fight" than "open-handed surrender," you've forgotten the Gospel. Grace is not just the way in, it's the way on. We don't graduate from our need for God’s mercy-fueled love — we grow deeper into it. His power does not replace our weakness; it meets us there — and is made perfect in it."   - Mike Woodruff

(This is the opening paragraph in his The Friday Update today. I could have also used the second paragraph. It was something I was glad to read today...)

Okay, I've probably brought you down enough. ;) Enjoy your weekend. Be careful not to bet your house on a horse (It's Derby weekend).

Peace

 

 

Marathon #10

 I guess I kinda spaced out about posting the results of my 10th marathon this past Sunday. The main thing: yes, I survived. It was a bit touch and go for awhile, but I made it. 

This was my third time running the Fort Wayne Marathon & Half Marathon (its fourth year). I ended up getting 84th out of 105, with a time of 4:50:06 (2nd in my age group). I averaged an 11:04 pace. I didn’t realize I was 7 minutes faster than last year’s 4:57.

I did the first half at just over a 10 min./mile pace (2:14). I walked ~.05 every 3 miles and took a drink/gel. The second half I kept the every 3 mile routine, but I started walking .1 mile and that stretched to .2 of every third mile around 22 or 23. I also stopped twice to pee and at the halfway point I had to take my shoe off to remove a rock. 

Looking back now, I suppose I didn’t feel too bad at the start. And, I didn’t have any injuries or anything at the end. Yet, boy, I think it was around mile 9 or 10 when I first started wondering if I was going to be able to finish. By mile 21 I was trying to find a landmark - thinking I was going to have to call Jane to come pick me up. My legs were just so sore. But… I just kept plugging along. There was a group of three people in my area and we all just chugged along. Once I made it to my 24 I figured I could at least break 5 hours. 

Still… for most of this race I was telling myself this was going to be it. I didn’t think my body had the strength to do this anymore. As I got closer to the end I was already starting to think “maybe this would be the last one under 5 hours.” Now, the third day after, I’m feeling back to normal and starting to think about changing my strength training over the next year to better prepare (I need to do more leg work). 

Other points of note:

• Once again, Drew Carrie were along the route about mile 3 and I discarded my jacket with them. 
• A friend of ours was also running. This was his first race since 2019, but he runs 10 miles every day. He did no other training, but was hoping to break 3 hours and qualify for Boston. He did both (2:51)! I was so happy for him (he got second place).
• Another friend (who we volunteer with at the music hall) had a son and daughter-in-law running. I was surprised to see him at the finish line. His son ran it in around 3:30, and the dil finished her first marathon in 5:11. 

So, that’s about all I can remember at the moment. I am going to include a bunch of screenshots of stats for my own future recall. 

Until then, I am enjoying a week off. I’ll likely start back next week, but no more marathon’s… until next year (maybe a few half’s).