Five things friday (18 tangle old)

Greetings on another Friday, friends. I don't know what it's like where you are, but it is 76°F in good ol' Fort Wayne today! That's better than freezing, but that seemed to come outta nowhere. Anyway... here's five things...

1. EIGHTEEN MILES OF HOT

Yes, my "long run" was 18 miles today (with a .5 mile walk after). I got out around 9:30am and I think it was 49°. It was 70 when I got done around 1pm. It never did rain, but it was sure muggy. So much so that I would not describe this as a particularly "good" run. I did the first 10 miles okay, then stopped at the house to refill my water bottle, have a few Oreo cookies, and take a lead. The remaining 8 miles were a slogfest. At first I walked a tenth every two miles, then every one, and then I walked a quarter of the last two miles each. Ugh. 

All my runs this week were a chore. The 5/8/5 earlier in the week were probably worse than today's 18.

This is, however, my longest weekly mileage on my training schedule. I still need to do a 19 and 20 mile run, but I don't do as many miles the rest of those weeks. I'm ready for the taper. My legs are feeling kinda beat.

2. BACK TO BACK SHOWS

Of course, I am bartending a show tonight and tomorrow night (after setting up the music hall by myself yesterday). Tonight will likely be busier. It's another round of Bandemonium (battle of the bands put on by a local alternative rock station). There are four bands each night, and so far they've all been pretty good. Last year - in the inaugural year - there were some that were not so much. Still, I'm not looking forward to another 4 or 5 hours on my feet.

Tomorrow night is an Elvis impersonator (or something like that). I'm surprised we booked this show, but I think it's a rental, and I was surprised by the ticket sales. Go figure.

3. TANGLE NEWS

I subscribed to a new 'news' newsletter. Tangle News is supposed to be unbiased and non-partisan, but also they share viewpoints from the left, right, and middle. I think that's interesting, because I am often curious how people on the right justify things. I just subscribed, and haven't read anything yet, but a friend suggested it and I'm looking forward to it.

4. CRAZY OLD MAN

I also subscribed to yet another substack. I don't even know how I happened onto Crazy Old Man (that's all I know it by - no name, apparently). However, he is apparently a former pastor, was married a long time, had a drinking problem, and his life went to hell. For whatever reason, the handful of posts I've read seem to really resonate with me. It's genuine, vulgar, and written in a clear way that makes sense to me. God knows someday I'd like to be an actual man. I figure it can't hurt to read what this guy has to say.

5. THE QUOTE

"You can be the breeze that makes someone close their eyes and feel ...just for a second, just for this day ...like everything is going to be okay." - Crazy Old Man, from 'Life Came at Me Fast. Here's What's Left' 

 

Okay... the lovely Lady is gone tonight, and now I need to force a nap, stuff some food in my stomach, and go serve drinks all night. Have fun out there...

Tell me

I've determined my mind must think in terms of song lyrics.

When assigned my newest project of speaking/writing about the book Slow Theology, by A.J. Swoboda and Nijay Gupta, I immediately thought of the lyric, "Tell me all your thoughts on God..."

The American alternative rock band Dishwalla is not exactly a household name... Probably more of a one-hit-wonder. However, that 1995 song, titled 'Counting Blue Cars' off their 'Pet Your Friends' album was the most-played song on the radio in the US in 1997 and 1998. 

Legend has it that lead singer J.R. Richards wrote the song rather quickly, and it was inspired by a chat with his 10-year-old neighbor. He wanted to write on the subject from a child's perspective, noting that we're much more honest and not as biased at that age. So it is somewhat the "story of a young boy's spiritual journey." It's also interesting that Richards said he received death threats after the song's release because people were upset about the insinuation God could be a woman. Not surprising.

I'm thinking of using this little tidbit not only to open the message on Slow Theology, but also to lead into the first point that "We're all theologians." 

Here's the video of the song: https://youtu.be/Clxtg2pFTQM?si=frZN-ismU9N3bh86

After speaking

I've shared this piece from Bruce Thielemann a number of times in this space. I still find it to be true:

The pulpit calls those anointed to it as the sea calls its sailors. And like the sea it batters and bruises and does not rest. To preach, to really preach, is to die naked a little at a time, and to know each time you do it that you are going to have to do it again.

I did give the message during our church's Sunday service this past week (I don't think they like to call it preaching). At any rate, here are some "post-speaking" thoughts...

• This was maybe the most comfortable I've ever been for a message. Part of it is because our church community is very easy to speak among. People are attentive and at ease. It has a good vibe. Plus, I can wear whatever I want (I wore jeans, long-sleeve black henley shirt, and my 'everyday' running shoes).
• I pretty much stayed with my manuscript, but probably veered from it a bit more than I'd have liked. I purposely wrote it short, knowing I would likely add on-the-spot. It ended up about 25 minutes, which is short for us, but about what I was hoping for.
• I made a couple references to things like "Make America Great Again," and another maga phrase... and while I would say an overwhelming majority of our people are in full support (not of maga, but of anti-maga sentiment), I wish I hadn't even touched on it. I don't think I need to say it anymore. Not that anyone said anything or reacted negatively, but it just didn't feel good.
• I 'felt' really good while speaking - even right before and right after. And that makes me nervous. I really have to push the positive self-talk to get my confidence up... but sometimes it starts to feel a little too close to arrogance.
• It's really difficult for me to slow the adrenaline down after it's over. I'm pumped up. It's the same when I tend bar. I can't just come home and go to sleep. My insides have been whirling a million miles an hour. It doesn't just quiet down easily.
• Once it does quiet down though... that's when the doubt and bad thoughts try to steal their way into my head. I can really get down on myself afterwards. I feel like I have made progress recently - especially this time - but I don't know that I want to do this too often yet again. It puts my mind and body through the ringer.
• I've never been officially diagnosed as bipolar, but it almost feels like that sometimes. I get really high during the message, and can then go to the opposite extreme of low after.
• I think it's good that I have another message I need to start working on for the middle of next month. But that's about as quick of a turnaround as I would like.
• All told... I felt good yesterday. I don't know if I was happy about everything I said (I can't really even remember everything I said), but I've honestly been doing a pretty good job of not thinking about it too much since then.
• There should be video sometime this week... The video link is here, if you're interested... but I NEVER watch myself on video. Just can't do it. I know some people say you should, but... I really have no desire to get "better." I'd rather it not be good or bad because of me. It just is what it is. At least that's what I'm shooting for now. Btw, I looked back, and the last time I spoke was July of 2025.
  

So, there ya go. Just some random thoughts. Yes, I once again "got naked" in front of a group of people. I can't say that I like it any better than I ever have, but I feel like I can at least do it again.

Five things friday

Well, it's another one-post week. Hopefully you have survived...

1. SEVENTEEN MILES TO RIGHT HERE

I could have said right or write. I just got done with my 17-mile run, and here I am. Oof. It actually wasn't bad, but, you know, after a couple hours, a person gets kind of tired. 

Oddly enough, I randomly turned my watch off when it chimed at 17 miles, and it was exactly 3 hours and 2 minutes (zero seconds)! Ha! Then I walked another .53 miles.

It was 39°F when I started, and 54 when I ended. Nearly perfect tempts, and clear blue skies. I suppose that accounted for the first 9.5-mile loop feeling exceptionally good. The last 8 miles weren't quite as peachy, but all-in-all I didn't feel too bad. 

2. M'LADY HAS A BIRTHDAY 

Today is Jane's birthday. We both kind of lose track of the exact number anymore, but it's 60+. And she just keeps getting better and better!

I bought her a card, and while I was writing in it, it dawned on me that I think I bought her the exact same card not too many birthdays ago. The message inside was that true, though, so I don't mind.

We splurged and bought tickets for a Tedechi Trucks (with Alabama Shakes) concert this summer for her. Even got the good seats, plus a camping spot right across the street. This is one band we're willing to splurge on, and we can't wait! 

3. PREACHING SUNDAY

I have a suitable manuscript to speak in church again this Sunday. It was a rather quick turnaround for me. The pastor just recently asked if I could fill in. It seems I already may have explained that I'd had a stack of notes and books already amassed for a message on Psalm 23:1 (The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want). 

Lately I've went through a dozen or so rewrites until I was satisfied, but this time I stopped at four. 

I will talk about Lord Huron, a Chinese Farmer, David (considered the writer of said Psalm), David Foster Wallace, and offer a demonstration of 'word emphasis meditation' (or 'focal shifting'). Mostly the idea is: you are enough; we have enough. I'm kinda looking forward to it.

4. A NEW BOOK

I haven't started it yet, but hopefully this coming week I will begin reading 'Healing What's Within: Coming Home to Yourself - and to God - When You're Wounded, Weary & Wandering,' by Chuck DeGroat. This was a freebie, offered to me since I'm an elder in the church, and I took it! I love reading Chuck's substack, and am looking forward to this book.

5. THE WEEKLY QUOTE

"Spiritual disciplines are not about making us more precious to God. They are about making God more precious to us." - unknown 

 

Alrighty... I'm a bit wiped out, and you probably are too. Have a great weekend!!

Five things friday

Whew, doggy... I just about didn't get this in. Friday kinda snuck up on me this week. So, here's off the top of my head (or seat of my pants)...

1. HALF MARATHON DAY

After running 15 miles on my long-run-day last Friday, today I took a step back to a half marathon. However, it was supposed to be at what I hope my marathon pace will be (usually long training runs are at a much slower pace). I don't know that I accomplished that. I did it in 2 hrs. 15 minutes, but there was a nasty strong wind, and I had to stop and fill up my water bottle a couple times. Close enough.

2. TRIP TO MINNESOTA

This past weekend we visited our son and his wife and son in St. Paul, MN. This was a flying trip. That one-hour direct flight is mighty hard to pass up compared to driving. I just wish it didn't cost so much. It was a good trip - our first time there since the youngest grandson has been walking. There was more to tell, but I'm a little hesitant to say too much publicly, what with ICE still present there (even though the news would have you believe they're not). Anyway, it was nice. Though, we got back home late Monday night, and my week has been messed up ever since.

3. WORKING ON A MESSAGE

The other part of why I haven't blogged all week is I got asked to speak a week from Sunday at church. I had just been asked to do a Sunday in April, then the pastor asked if it would be possible to do March 1 as well. I've actually had papers and books and notes piled on a table since before Christmas for something I was thinking about. Putting it all together always leaves me a bit frantic anymore. I've at least whittled down a lot of the material I started with. I'm hoping to talk about Psalm 23:1 - with bits from Lord Huron, David Foster Wallace, and Henri Nouwen.

4. SHOWS, SHOWS, SHOWS

I set up the music hall yesterday, and we have a show tonight and tomorrow night both. A battle-of-the-bands starts tonight and runs the next (maybe) six Fridays. There are a couple other back-to-back shows coming up. We seem to have more than usual these next few months. I'm not complaining, but I will tell you this... I have noticed that fewer and fewer people are drinking. And those who do, don't drink as much. Tipping has also gone down down. I don't know if it's the economy (which is not near as good as dufus would have you believe), or just people losing interest in alcohol in favor of marijuana, or what... Whatever. It should be a good show tonight. One of the hotter local bands will be there (and, there name escapes me at the moment).

5. THE QUOTE

"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it." - G.K. Chesterton, The Everlasting Man 

 

Okay... I made it. Your Friday (and mine) is now complete. Hopefully I can get back into a reading/writing routine again next week.

Peace

Make sense of your story (but not alone) - the end

We did it! We have finally made it to my final post on Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you?
• Chapter 9 - What if you explored your collective/cultural story?
• Chapter 10 - What if you explored your story with God?
• Chapter 11 - What if you explored your story with kindness?
• Chapter 12 - Your war with hope

Today we will cover my highlights from the final chapter... chapter 13: "What If You Didn't Have to Do This Alone?" 

p. 241 - "A story that has not been shared communally is a story that has you bound in shame." (Dan Allender)

"Neuroscientist Stephen Porges asserts that 'connection is a biological imperative.' His point is that if you don't have sufficient connection with other human beings, you will become a little bit less alive each day." 

p. 242 - "It's important to understand that you cannot adequately engage your story alone. Sitting in your favorite chair with a journal, a Bible, a cup of coffee, and a good view out your window is not sufficient to heal your wounds." (ouch!)

p. 243 - "Moreover, adding God to the mix is also insufficient. You cannot engage your story merely with God's help and God's presence. Why? Because you were made to need other people. Again, this is God's fault. It's the natural by-product of being created in the image of The Relationship." ... "God made our brains and nervous systems to need one another. And this is particularly true when it comes to healing from wounds."

"The resurrected Christ is alive on planet Earth -- living in and through other human beings."

*****"Here's the really good news: when your nervous system is sufficiently supported by another settled, wise nervous system (another human being offering witness and presence), then your nervous system will heal."

"In neurobiological terms, healing equals neural integration." 

*****"Your wounds will heal naturally when the environment is right. The right environment for healing is the empathetic presence of another person."

p. 244 - "The opposite of trauma is not 'no trauma.' The opposite of trauma is connection." 

p. 244-247 In response to: Do I really need to share my story with another person?...

"First, in order to heal, you need to experience what is called limbic resonance. This is a fancy way of saying that your brain needs to experience someone attuning to you and empathizing with your big emotions (feeling felt)."

"Second, in order to heal, you need to feel your unfelt feelings from the past, and you can't feel these by yourself (because these feelings are inherently dysregulating)."

"A third reason you need another human being to experience healing is that healing requires the accurate co-construction of your autobiographical narrative. In other words, your story needs to make sense to you. This inevitably requires the outside perspective of another person. ...each character's dignity and depravity must be clearly articulated..."

p. 247 - "The process of reflecting on your story, sharing your story with another person, and hearing that person's reaction to your story connects neural networks that were previously separated."

p. 248 - "The single most important key to healing is connecting. Connecting with another person's attuned presence, connecting with your physical body from the neck down, connecting neural networks in your brain that are separated from one another, connecting with God." 

p. 249 - *****(The Village) "In Francis Weller's book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, he points out that most modern people are 'waiting for the village to appear.' The 'village' refers to a few other people who have these characteristics:

1. They care deeply about your growth, maturation, and healing.
2. They are more mature than you and stronger than you (they've done their own work of healing and transformation).
3. They are eager to respond to you by providing comfort, care, and guidance.
4. They are willing to make themselves available to you when you need them.
   

p. 250 - ***** "The village is another way of speaking about elders. Most modern cultures lack elders. And 'elder' is simply someone who knows how to handle their power. Elders are warrior kings and queens who know that (a) they have power, and (b) their power is intended to be used on behalf of the community, particularly on behalf of the wounded."***** 

Final thoughts:

Young acknowledges at the end that "this book is NOT the definitive word on the subject, but it is an offering of goodness." He also says the "someone else" we share with does not necessarily need to be a trained counselor, and that all trained counselors are not necessarily even qualified (or the same). He does offer some suggestions at the end of the book on who to look for.

He ends the book with these three paragraphs:

Good books are full of good information. The dilemma is that information does not change the human heart. What changes the human heart is engaging your story -- with kindness and with others. 

Let me say that again: what changes the human heart is engaging your story . . . with kindness . . . and with others.

Engaging your story is not going to make all your pain go away. However, it will lead to genuine healing. And, more importantly, engaging your story will bring rest to your body. There is a rest in finally understanding why you are the way you are. Why you behave the way you behave. Why you feel the way you feel. There is profound rest that comes with finally understanding these things. At last, your life makes sense.

---

As I bring this to a close (at least on the blog), it actually brought a tear to my eye. Not a tear of sadness - though I'm always a bit sad when I end a good book - but it's more tears of joy. Having gone through a workshop with Adam, reading this book, and some work I've done through The Allender Center (as well as with my wife)... I do finally feel like my life is starting to make a little better sense. Imagine that! :)

So, hopefully my little offering here has been somewhat helpful... or at least not harmful.

Peace.

Five things friday (super bowl/halftime)

Well, it's Friday, and I have 15 miles to run... but there's also five things (at least) on my mind...

I have gone almost the entire week without mentioning the Super Bowl... or, more appropriately, the halftime show. Never mind there was a game... my algorithms say all anyone wants to talk about is what happened between the halves. What did I think??

1. NOT MUCH

If memory serves me even close to correct, I first started watching/following NFL football when I was eight years old. I watched the Dallas Cowboys lose to the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl V (the first one after the merger between the AFL/NFL, on 1/17/1971). That's when (and why) I became a Cowboys fan - because they lost. I rooted for the underdog.

All that to say, I remember when the Super Bowl was about a football game. Those days seem long gone.

2. MUCH ADO ABOUT...  STILL NOT MUCH

Over the years... I had actually grown to incline myself to the benefits of making the Super Bowl more meaningful to a wider audience. Sure, let's make it a family affair, something to bring people together, gather community and give it an almost-holiday fervor. See the commercials, the puppy bowl, the halftime show - and what surprises will unfold. Why not? It became a party for everyone!

But... as with all good things... they eventually come to an end. Sure, there have always been grumblers. People who didn't like the musical guest and whatnot. However, leave it to trump's maga-mob to form an alternative halftime show... 

Was it racially motivated in protest of Bad Bunny? I don't know. It's hard to overlook that aspect. Even if it wasn't... in my opinion it was in poor taste and just one more opportunity to fan the flames of division in our already divided country/world. I'm over it. Full stop.

3. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BUNNY?

For the record, at the party I attended, we did watch the Bad Bunny halftime show. I thought it was impressive from an entertainment standpoint. Even without understanding a lick o' lyrics, there was A LOT going on. There were celebrity sightings, underlying messages, scantily clad dancers gyrating... all the stuff. Which, yeah, I guess that's what the NFL and TV wants. People tuned in. They got what they paid for.

How do I feel about all that personally? For the most part it just 'is what it is.' It's what... fifteen minutes (I read somewhere it's thirteen, but who knows)? I can tolerate pretty much anything for that long. I've heard the lyrics were pretty vulgar. God knows the dancing and whatnot were (this likely goes for both the Bad Bunny and Kid Rock shows). I'm not a fan of it, but I'm also not offended by it in the least. It's not like it was a church service. I don't get the "Christian" or even "American" offense some people took.

Nothing about the Super Bowl or the halftime show changed my life one bit. It had zero impact. Why? Because I didn't let it. I read very little commentary on either of the halftime shows because... well, I want to say it's because I didn't want to get sucked into 'the game.' And I don't mean the football game.

4. IT'S NOT MY BALL

I can honestly understand why the NFL chose Bad Bunny, and from their perspective, it was probably an easy choice. The league has been trying to gain international favor for years. Why wouldn't they include the world's most popular musical act? Bad Bunny has been the most-streamed artist for what, like four of the last six years! That makes sense. Throw in that maybe they also knew it would create a stir among a segment of the American public... even more sense. Literally almost everyone was talking about it!

And this is the rub for me... IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MONEY!!!!!

That's it. Everything is about the money anymore. Character, integrity, honesty, 'the right thing'... these things don't matter AT ALL. The NFL is about the money. TV is about the money. Social Media is about the money. Capitalism is about the money. Big Corporations are about the money. Millionaires/billionaires are about the money. Politics is about the money (and, yes, I believe politics is involved in all of it). EVERYTHING is about the money!

There is so much more to say about this... and... I'm not sure I have the energy or interest to say it anymore. Not because I'm offended... I'm not even surprised anymore (most of the time). It simply does not interest me any longer...

On my best days, I try to choose to look elsewhere. Closer. At things that are more important to me. I know that can sound all uppity and self-righteous... that's why I say "on my best days." I'm not there yet... 

...but I'm trying to focus more on what I think matters. And I don't think it's money, or celebrity, or notoriety, or... anything like that...

5. A QUOTE

"So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word."

- 2 Thessalonians 2:15-17

So, there ya have it. I've probably said too much. Or not enough. But there's blue skies and sunshine out today... That's where I'm going now, on my two feet, with my eyes and ears open wide, and my mouth closed (at least for a few hours).

Peace

 

 

Your war with hope

I am continuing my way through Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you?
• Chapter 9 - What if you explored your collective/cultural story?
• Chapter 10 - What if you explored your story with God?
• Chapter 11 - What if you explored your story with kindness?
  

Today we will look at chapter 12: "Your War With Hope." This is another chapter I felt worthy of sharing as part of a Sunday message.

p. 225 - He opens the chapter with this incredible quote from Barbara Kingslover (Animal Dreams):

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is to live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance, but live right in it, under its roof."

p. 226 - ***Of Psalm 27:13-14 he says... "There is a relationship between hope and waiting. In fact, the bodily experience of hope is very similar to the felt experience of waiting. If you are hoping for something, you don't have it yet. Therefore, you're waiting for it. But hope is not merely waiting. There is another element to it. Hope involves groaning. Groaning from the inside. Longing for something. Hope is groaning inwardly while waiting expectantly. Both. Hope is groaning -- longing for something -- while, at the same time, expecting it to happen. ...And this is very hard to do." 

p. 227 - "And there's the key -- wanting. Hope is letting yourself want. And when you let yourself want something you do not have, you experience an inward groaning. You feel the longing. Your whole body fills with the ache of not-yet-met desire."

p. 228 - ***"When hope feels too risky (or too stupid), we tend toward one of two alternative postures: (1) we deaden our desires (try to kill our longings), or (2) we resign ourselves to cynicism." 

"It's important to understand that your body naturally yearns and groan. Look at children..."

p. 230-231 - Against the argument of "I'm not cynical, I'm realistic..."

"... here's the dilemma: there is nothing more unrealistic than the resurrection of Jesus Christ."

"If you are a Christian, your entire life is based on something wildly unrealistic."

"If Jesus is resurrected, then there is no situation in your life that cannot be upended and reversed." 

p. 232 - "Is it a broken world? Yes... but his broken body was resurrected. Will all your longings be met in this world? Of course not... but you don't know which ones."

"The biblical metaphor for hopelessness is barrenness..."

"Sarah, Rebecca, and Rachel -- the mothers of the first three generations of Israelites -- were barren! What is the story of our origins telling us? Barrenness is fundamental to the experience of walking with God. Which is to say that all who follow Jesus inevitably have a war with hope."

"Where is the barrenness in your life right now? Where do you feel powerless to create life and goodness and newness?"

"Herein lies the biggest reason we hate hope: hope forces us to wrestle with God." 

p. 233 - "'Not my will but yours be done' sounds so biblical. And indeed it is... as long as it comes after a twelve-round wrestling match with God."

"... you're called to surrender your will to God's will. Dan Allender points out that the word surrender implies there has already been a long, drawn out, bloody war. In other words, you can't surrender until you have fought with God. In war, you don't surrender until there is no hope left for accomplishing your objective and defeating the enemy. You fight until you have no strength left to fight any longer. Surrender only comes in a moment of exhaustion."

"If you're not exhausted from fighting with God, then the words, 'Not my will but yours be done' are not words of surrender; they are words you use to allow yourself to escape the agony of hoping." 

p. 234-235 - "Hope has nothing to do with optimism."

"Optimism is a denial of the darkness that permeates the world, and it requires closing your eyes to the tragedies and injustices on every corner..."

"A life of both/and means you are just as apt to be weeping one moment as you are to be laughing the next. You are never far from mourning (because you have eyes wide open to the pain in this world) and never far from rejoicing (because you have eyes wide open to the goodness of God in the land of the living."

p. 236 - In response to "Is it reasonable to hope?"...

"Jeremiah 30 is vitally important for people who have a history of trauma." (note the contrast between verses 12 and 17)

p. 237 - "What is required for the genuinely new to come into existence in your life? An act of creation."

"What if the Creator has the freedom to continue to create new things?"

CHAPTER 12 KEY POINTS

• Engaging your story can be a daunting journey, especially when it involves confronting the spectrum of hope and hopelessness.
• Your war with hope is fueled by your awareness that you don't know which of your longings God will fulfill in this life.
• Hope is a delicate balance between longing and waiting, between anticipation and uncertainty. It's a paradoxical force that both sustains and torments us, pushing us to yearn for what seems unattainable while daring us to believe in the possibility of transformation.
  

 

Be kind (to yourself)

 I am continuing my way through Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you?
• Chapter 9 - What if you explored your collective/cultural story?
• Chapter 10 - What if you explored your story with God?

Today we will look at chapter 11: "What if you explored your story with kindness?" This is another good and helpful chapter.

p. 213 - ***"A year of kindness toward your own heart will take you further on the healing journey than a year of weekly therapy with your dream therapist. This is not a jab at the counseling profession; it is an observation about the power of self-kindness to evoke change in the human heart."  (Quite the statement, coming from a therapist!)

"Here is a gut-wrenching truth about the by-product of trauma: the harm you do to yourself through self-contempt is greater than the harm that has been done to you. By 'self-contempt' I simply mean harshness from you to you. The opposite of self-contempt is kindness." 

p. 214 - He lists several insightful descriptions for how to know if you experience self-contempt (I'd say you probably do, at least to some extent).

"Here's the point: self-contempt blocks your body from healing. What if you began to explore your story with kindness rather than self-contempt?"

p. 215 - "... the more you are able to engage your story with kindness, the more of your story you will uncover. Similarly, the more you engage your story, the more kindness you will have access to. They are mutually reinforcing."

This is a great Carl Jung quote on the pull of self-contempt:

"That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ, all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do to the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders -- that these are within me and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness -- that I myself am the enemy that must be loved -- what then? As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer the question of any love or compassion; we say to the brother within us, 'You fool,' and condemn and rage against ourself." (Carl Jung, Psychology of Religion: East and West, vol. 11 of The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, trans. by R.F.C. Hull)

p. 220 - "Dan Allender often says, 'The hard work of life is not dealing with your pain. The hard work of life is allowing yourself to experience comfort and kindness -- from others and from yourself.'"

"The word comfort comes from the Latin prefix com, meaning 'with,' and the root fortis, meaning 'strong.' In other words, comfort is being with someone (com) to strengthen them (fort). To comfort means to be with someone out of a desire to strengthen them."

*****"Kindness is very different from niceness. A nice person will listen and perhaps say something in an attempt to be supportive or encourage. However, the words of a nice person will rarely penetrate, disrupt, or provoke. In short, a nice person is more concerned with 'not upsetting you' than with inviting you into a more repentant and redemptive way of living. When Proverbs 27:6 says 'Wounds from a friend can be trusted,' the writer is referring to the actions of a friend who risks kindness. If you are in need of care, and you are with someone who is merely being nice, nothing can make you feel more alone...

...Niceness does not strengthen us. Kindness strengthens by simultaneously providing genuine comfort and inviting us to become more fully ourselves."***** 

p. 221 - "Bringing comfort to yourself is a skill that can be learned. In many ways, this is merely an invitation to offer the Big Six to yourself (see chapter 4 for the Big Six: attunement, responsiveness, engagement, etc.).

"You don't have to respond to your story by joining in violence against yourself. You can respond to your story the way God does -- with kindness, even kindness toward your frailty." (from Dan Allender, noting Isaiah 42:3 where God says, "A bruised reed [I] will not break.")

p. 222 - "What is keeping you from responding to your heart and body with kindness rather than contempt? With kindness rather than striving? With kindness rather than enduring?"

"It's important to understand that kindness, in and of itself, will begin to disrupt the power of evil in your day-to-day life."

"Engaging your own story is as much about tending to your dys-regulated body as it is about writing out the pivotal stories of your childhood." 

p. 224 - "How does healing happen? In the end it is not truth that changes people; it is kindness."

CHAPTER 11 KEY POINTS

• Kindness toward yourself will take you further on the healing journey than you think.
• When you feel distressed or in need of care, it can be very difficult to receive kindness, especially if you have a history of harm.
• You may feel caught between your desire for comfort and your fear that others won't come through for you.
• The bottom line is that kindness -- both toward oneself and from others -- is crucial for healing past experiences of harm.

 

Next up will be my highlights from chapter 12: "Your War With Hope" (this is another fantastic chapter).

Your story with God

 I am continuing my way through Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you?
• Chapter 9 - What if you explored your collective/cultural story?

Today we take up again, looking at chapter 10: "What If You Explored Your Story With God?" This is a phenomenal chapter. It's one of those I wrote across the chapter title page "Preach!" I'm not sure if I can fit everything I've underlined or highlighted here (without including the entire chapter). Here is at least some of it...

p. 191 - "At the core of your heart is the history of how you have interacted with God about your desires and disappointments..."

Much of the rest of the chapter deals with 'Biblical Lament.'

p. 193 - ***"Job chose not to deny his pain. He chose not to deny or ignore his story, as awful as it was. He spoke about it. He put words to his emotional turmoil. He found language to express his internal reality. This is what it means to engage your story with God." 

"When your world is falling apart, will you open your mouth? Will you have the courage to express to God what you are truly feeling inside?"

"Lament is what comes out of you when your dreams are shattered. Job's heart was so tormented by his pain that his lament brought him to curse the day of his birth."

p. 194 - "...there is no shortage of biblical heroes who wished they were dead" (He lists: Rebekah (Gen. 27:46), Moses (Num. 11:15), Elijah (1 Kings 19:4), Jonah (Jon. 4:3), and Jeremiah (Jer. 20:14, 18).

p. 195 - "The laments that fill the book of Job... give us permission to feel. And if you're a Christian, chances are you need that permission. Specifically, to feel your so-called negative emotions. If you are going to explore your story, you need to feel your anger, fear, and sadness." 

Two questions on this page: 1) What is keeping you from feeling these feelings? 2) What if you prayed your feelings?

p. 196 - "Lament consists of two things: (1) allowing yourself to feel your sorrow/grief/sadness, and (2) expressing that sorrow/grief/sadness."

p. 197 - "It takes more faith and trust to take your sorrow to God than it does to push down your true feelings or deny them."

"...the path of lament need not lead to despair. Despair results when we lament without hope." 

p. 198-199 - "It is not pain we fear, it is aloneness and meaninglessness in the pain. Lamenting alone leads to despair. But lament poured out to God leads to something else. Eventually, it leads to connection with God and some measure of meaning in the pain (which in no way makes the pain 'worth it.')."

***"Tears are a form of confession. They are the ultimate acknowledgment of what was - and is - true. They are the breakthrough of the (sometimes very long) denial of reality. But, as Walter Brueggemann reminds us, 'embrace of ending permits beginnings... [for] only grievers can experience their experiences and move on.'" 

Good stuff under the heading: Feelings As A Window To Desire...

***"God does not call you to get rid of your sorrow or your anger or your fear; God calls you to honesty about your sorrow, anger, and fear." 

p. 206 - "Here's the thing: God can handle your anger. God is neither surprised by it nor afraid of it."

p. 208 - "The best way to assure it does not harm those you love is to welcome your anger, get to know it, and express it well." 

"Acknowledging your anger and expressing it will introduce you to yourself. It will allow you to become more connected to the truth of the heartbreak of your story. Your anger can lead you to get to know yourself better and to know your story better."

CHAPTER 10 KEY POINTS

• Your story likely includes seasons of deep pain and disappointment. One way to let that pain and disappointment move through you is to take the risk of genuinely expressing them to God.
• The biblical practice of lament allows you to connect with your true emotions and give voice to your sorrow and grief.
• Although it may feel scary to express your anger to God, it is an act of honesty and integrity that is essential for a genuine relationship with the divine.

 

And, there is that. Next time I will delve into chapter 11: "What if you explored your story with kindness?" 

Cologuard and eye doctor visit

A continuation of my annual physical was taking (and sending in) a Cologuard Test. Apparently I get a free one every three years. Mine arrived last week and I sent it back on Thursday. It's not the most enjoyable of things, but it beats having a full-blown colonoscopy. This is the second time I've done one.

Also, today we both had eye exams. We went to Eye Specs on Main. It's just a block over from Jane's office, and she had been there once before. This was my first time there. We both needed a slight adjustment to our prescription, which meant we both needed new glasses. I am terrible at making most any decision, and especially so when it comes to eye glasses. The ladies were very helpful though, and I just went with the one's Jane liked the best. Maybe I will share a pic when they come in. We'll see (pun intended)!

My eyes are just beginning to get back to normal after the pupil dilation. That's always the worst part - other than having to answer "Which one looks better, this one... or that one?" Sometimes I don't really know, but today I felt pretty confident of all my selections. I also have a little cataract forming, but nothing to worry about yet (I guess).

Now I suppose I should make a dentist appointment. It's been... awhile for me. Ugh. I don't really like someone putting their hands in my mouth...

Five things friday (well, snow me down)

I wasn't planning to be home writing this week's FTF at this time. I thought I would be out on my 14-mile run along the river right now. Mother Nature (or, at least the weather) had other ideas. Yeesh. Still, I guess it's Friday, so here's some stuff...

1. DID SOMEONE SAY TREADMILL?

I knew it was supposed to snow this morning, but I didn't know we were going to get 4" in 2 hours (at least)! And it's still coming down in buckets!!

I actually ran outside again this week, and the trail I use had just become mostly clear of snow and ice. So I was looking forward to, and planning in my head, my outdoor route for today's 14 mile run. However, I have no desire to trudge through this much snow for that long. I guess I will be using the treadmill again. I am one of those who runs easier and faster outdoors than on a treadmill, but sometimes conditions warrant otherwise. Ugh.

2. MEN'S GATHERING

I left the house at 6am this morning for our second monthly men's gathering for guys of our church. We do it on the first Friday of each month. As I mentioned, there was a bit of a blizzard, and we still had 16 there.

We started today by having everyone share their name, and then, imagining the scenario that the apocalypse has happened... what would we consider (or want) our contribution to be in our community? I shared that maybe I could make coffee, and oversee the library (I also considered, but did not share, that maybe I could clean the tools at the end of the day). The kicker, after everyone had shared, was the realization that the apocalypse HAS happened in many respects... So, what's keeping us from undertaking our responsibility now? ;)

The rest of the time consisted of: 5 minutes of silent prayer, a couple Scripture readings, then going around our tables (there were around 5 people per table) and discussing how our heart was, where we struggled, and that type of thing. It was nice. I think we started around 6:15 and most people left around 7:45am.

3. RETIREMENT BY DYLAN

On a bit of a different note, I read this article yesterday: 5 Bob Dylan Quotes Every Retiree Should Live By. They are:

1. "He not busy being born is busy dying"
2. "May you stay forever young" 
3. "Money doesn't talk, it swears" 
4. "Passion is a young man's game. Young people can be passionate. Older people got to be wiser." 
5. "Ah, but I was so much older then/I'm younger than that now."

I thought of some others I may have included, myself, but overall I thought these were pretty good. If you're interested in why they selected these five, or for their source, read the article. It's not long, and I found it to be pretty good.

4. BLENDING OF BOOKS

If you've read my blog lately, you know I've been reading Make Sense of Your Story, by Adam Young. The last book I read was Slow Theology, by A.J. Swoboda and Nijay Gupta. This week our pastor asked if I would give a Sunday morning talk on the Slow Theology book, so I looked back through it to get some ideas what I might say. What struck me is... how ironically similar the message of both these books is! I mean, they are totally unrelated, but so much of the same thought. I found it to be fascinating, and I will likely reference both in my talk (I haven't been given a date yet, but probably sometime in the next month or so, I'm guessing). 

Also of note, I had forgotten I had jotted down 'Robert Farrar Capon' on the cover of Slow Theology while reading it. I'm not sure what prompted me to write it down, but I've always wanted to read some of his books and never have. So, I guess we're all somehow related to Kevin Bacon (where did that even come from?)...

5. THE QUOTE

"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is to live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance, but live right in it, under its roof." - Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams (this is the opening to chapter 12 in Make Sense of Your Story, and I love it!).

 

Alrighty, friends... it is still snowing, and I've got things to do...

Be safe out there. But don't be afraid to take a few risks. Someone may need you to do that today...

Your collective/cultural story

I am continuing my way through Adam Young's fine book Make Sense of Your Story: Why Engaging Your Past with Kindness Changes Everything. Previously I have shared my highlights from the following:

• Chapter 4 - What if you engaged your family of origin story?
• Chapter 5 - Insecure Attachment: avoidant and ambivalent attachment
• Chapter 6 - Naming what is most true about your story
• Chapter 7 - What if you engaged your sexual story?
• Chapter 8 - What if you listened to the story your body is telling you? 

FYI - there are 13 chapters in all (we'll see how far we get)...

Today I share with you some of my own highlights from chapter 9 - "What If You Explored Your Collective/Cultural Story?"

Adam begins by reminding us: "The fundamental premise of story work is that your past story is affecting your present life. This is just as true for your collective story as it is for your individual story. Your day-to-day life is deeply affected by the past story of the collective to which you belong."

He shares the example that if you are a Korean American, you have at least three collective stories: the story of what it means to be Korean, the story of what it means to be American, and the story of what it means to be Korean American. All three of these cultural stories affect the way your brain takes in the world.

Engaging your story means learning something about how each of these collective stories has shaped you.

On pp.180-181...

A central tenet of story work is that in order for healing to occur, there must be an honest naming of what has been true, an honest naming of what actually happened. This is true in your individual story and it is equally true in your collective story. As a White American, I have to name what has been true of my collective story - that is, I have to put honest words to what happened in America between White people and Indigenous people, as well as between White people and the peoples of Africa. A critical part of the story of White Americans is that we stole the land we now live on, destroyed the native inhabitants of America, and enslaved an untold number of Africans to produce wealth for us.

A wound that is unnamed is a wound that cannot heal.

On the whole, American society denies the existence of its own wound.

Denial is the opposite of naming; it is the opposite of confession...

p.184-185...

To say it differently, White Americans carry immense shame inside our bodies, and we are often unaware that this shame is present. When we are aware of it, we frequently try to distance ourselves from it and/or deny that the shame is ours to grapple with...

...The healing of both people of color and White people is bound up in honestly addressing the immense harm that has been done. Yes, even the healing of White people. An Australian Aboriginal activist named Lilla Watson has often said to the White people in her midst, "If you have come to help us, you are wasting your time. But if you believe your liberation is bound up with ours, let us work together."

p.185 - "Socialization simply refers to the process of internalizing the norms and beliefs of a group that you are part of."

As for those who may be thinking, But I'm an individual. I didn't do those things to anyone, and I don't think that way... Young says modern neuroscience demonstrates this is not possible.

p.186... 

It is neurobiologically impossible to resist socialization into a collective, and it is neurobiologically impossible to be objective. The brain is a profoundly social organ - in other words, your brain has been shaped by the groups you are part of. And one of the groups you are part of is your racial group.

The first step for White people in engaging their collective story is to understand they have a race and have been socialized into whiteness. This is not a bad thing. It does not make them bad people. It simply means they have been profoundly shaped by whiteness. 

For White people like me: your character is not a function of whether or not you have been shaped by white supremacy. Your character is a function of whether or not you are willing to look honestly at your collective story and how white supremacy has shaped your neural networks. The goal is not to be innocent. There is no innocence to be proven here...

Along with Young, I was also socialized into racist ideas about Black people. I was, because my parents and my culture when I was growing up were that way. That doesn't mean I still believe those things, but I can't deny that it formed neural pathways in my brain and therefore informed my thinking.

I'm guessing this chapter may be a tough sell to many people White people in America today... but it's hard to argue with when looked at honestly.

The Chapter 9 Key Points (189):

• Both individual and collective stories influence your present day life.
• To engage your story requires identifying the particular ways that you have been socialized into a racial group.
• Interpersonal shalom (see chapter 1) requires an honest acknowledgment of the barbaric harm done by white supremacy.
• The only alternative to an honest naming of past racial harm is denial of the past, which amounts to dressing the wounds of others as though they are not serious.

 

Okay, next up will be... Chapter 10: What If You Explored Your Story With God?  

The story your body is telling you

Your body is speaking to you, you know. And I don't just mean those aches and pains you feel as you drag your weary ass out of bed in the morning... ;)

Today I want to look at chapter 8 in the book 'Make Sense of Your Story: Engaging Your Past With Kindness Changes Everything,' by Adam Young. In this chapter he asks, "What if You Listened to The Story Your Body is Telling You?"

Young notes that one way our bodies speak to us is through our physical sensations. He notes...

• "...every emotion is a combination of bodily sensations" (160)
• "...your body is a truth-teller" (160)
• "This does not mean your body always perceives reality accurately [though]... ...your body is telling you the truth about your story rather than telling you the truth about the present situation" (160-161) 

He says one of the most helpful sequences of questions he asks when engaging a client's story goes like this:

1. What are you feeling in your body right now?
2. Notice that (he says these are the two most important words in therapy)
3. If that sensation in your chest/gut/throat/shoulders/back/arms/legs could talk, what would it say?

 He says this line of curiosity almost always helps us become aware of important truths our body wants us to know (what type of emotion we're feeling, and why or at whom).

Also, on p.165, he mentions the THREE BRAINS we have. He says there are brain cells in your heart, brain cells in your gut, and brain cells in your enskulled brain (head). Phrases like "listen to your heart," or "trust your gut" recognize that these are places of knowing just as much as your head!

Young then dismantles the old church-y teaching on "Facts, Faith, and Feelings." Embarrassingly enough, I taught on this myself. The idea that we shouldn't trust our feelings, and if we want our life to go well we need to place our faith in the facts only. However, in the next few pages he shows how, since we have a triune God (the trinity), we can acknowledge knowing is more complex, as well as many instances in Scripture that point evidence (contrasting particularly Jeremiah 17:9 with Jeremiah 31:31-33). He says the point of Jeremiah 31 is that your heart is good! 

"Moreover, one of the central themes of the New Testament is that our bodies have become the dwelling place of God." (170)

The remainder of this chapter is spent on Affect Dysregulation (The primary way your body speaks is through your affect), and the chart between Hypoarousal (shame/hopelessness/despair), Regulated (calm/alert/attentive), and Hyperarousal (panic/terror/rage). 

One more thing... on p.174 he discusses "triggers" - when something "triggers you". He says this is when your body remembers something that you don't know you're remembering.

The key points of this chapter are:

• Your body will help you make sense of your story by communicating important truths through physical sensations, emotions, and impulses.
• Before you can listen to the wisdom of your body, you may need to restore trust in your body as a valid instrument of knowing.
• You have a relationship with the various parts of your physical body.
• You have likely experienced the cursing of particular parts of your body, which can make it very difficult to have a posture of kindness toward these parts of your body.

 

This was an insightful, though shorter, chapter - especially the *sequence of questions, *three brains concept, and bit on *affect dysregulation.

Your sexual story

Here we are... talking about sex. Not something I'm very good at doing, but...

I've been blogging through my reading of Adam Young's fine book  'Make Sense of Your Story: Engaging Your Past With Kindness Changes Everything.' Previously I have briefly covered chapter 4 (the Big Six things that determine our attachment style), chapter 5 (insecure attachment styles), and chapter 6 (two kinds of empathy). 

Today I want to very briefly touch on chapter 7 (What If You Engaged Your Sexual Story?). 

Young opens the chapter with this quote from Jay Stringer (from his book 'Unwanted'), which, in my humble opinion, packs quite the punch!:

"Sexual brokenness pinpoints the location of our past harm."

Another reference work he mentions is 'The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse' by Dan Allender. I have not read it, but probably should at some point (being a victim of childhood sexual abuse myself). 

From here I'm merely going to list some of the points I underlined in the chapter:

p. 131 - "You are aroused by particular things in the present because of your experiences of being aroused in the past."

p. 132 - "If you are married, you likely fight with your spouse about sex and/or sex seems more complicated than it should be. What if these fights or complications are best understood as the inevitable conflict between your childhood story and your spouse's childhood story? And what if understanding your family of origin story can help you make sense of the madness in your marriage?"

p. 132 - "The primary way evil assaults your sexuality is through the introduction of sexual shame. Shame is the bodily sense that there is something wrong with us, and therefore we are undesirable to others..." 

p. 133 - He asks the reader to write a one-page narrative answering the following questions (there are a number of questions at the end of this chapter, and space to write out answers):

1. How did you first learn about sex and sexuality?
2. How have you experienced sexual harm?
3. What specifically do you feel sexual shame about?

*The bulk of the rest of the chapter is on Sexual Abuse,  and there's a bunch on Triangulation (which I feel like I can't explain very well).

p. 153 - extended quote - **

The second reason many of us are ambivalent about our desires is because if we are insecurely attached, we have a truckload of unmet desires in the basement of our hearts. And we've been carrying around these unmet longings for years and years. Avoidantly attached individuals often deal with these unmet desires for relational connection by shutting down the attachment circuitry in their brain -- that is, by shutting down the parts of their brain that want, that long, that yearn...

If you let yourself connect with your sexual desires, you risk reactivating that part of your brain that has been so deeply wounded -- that part of your brain that holds a storehouse of unmet desires. This is a deeply disappointed part of you. It is a desperate part of you. You don't want to get connected to your unmet longing. And so you shut down your 'Wanter.'

To say it another way, you don't let yourself have sexual desire for your partner. In marriage counseling, you'll say things like "I just don't have as much sexual desire as my partner." And sometimes this is true. However, oftentimes it would be more true to say, "I'm terrified of letting myself feel my sexual desire for my partner, and so I shut down any desire before it develops." In other words, "I don't want to want."

Once again, this is a super brief overview of the chapter. I wish I had a better handle on it... or didn't struggle with it so much myself...