36 questions to love (or really get to know someone and be known)

I stumbled across this article awhile back (https://getpocket.com/explore/item/want-to-fall-in-love-with-your-partner-again-science-says-to-ask-them-these-36-questions?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us) and thought it seemed useful for a number of applications...

The questions are:

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling _____."
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share _____."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

 

10 things I hate

This is a writing exercise, so we'll see if I can come up with ten things. Haha (it should not be a problem).

1. I hate seeing people being mean to children - whether merely screaming at them, needlessly making them cry, demeaning them, and especially hitting them.
2. I hate seeing women slapped around and abused (whether in real life or on TV).
   
3. I hate when people blatantly disregard traffic laws like running red lights (when it's not even close) and not using turn signals. I get it that sometimes "things happen," and we all make mistakes, but some people are so dang arrogant about not thinking the rules apply to them.
4. I hate guns and ridiculous arguments for them. Which doesn't mean I don't understand the need for them. I'm not opposed to hunting, and I get that we're going to have police and military who use them (however much opposed to them I am); and my dad was an avid gun collector and did not amass a small arsenal for the purpose of hurting others. However, I see no reason some lame-brain idiot needs to stockpile automatic weapons in the interest of "freedom" or "national security." These are usually the people who scare me the most!
5. I hate it when stores put so much stuff in the aisles that you can barely get around with a shopping cart.
6. I hate when stores give out free food samples and people congregate around them like an aid truck in Gaza.
7. I hate hearing people chew food, smack their lips, or make noises with their mouth. Mostly I hate that it drives me so batty, because I realize I probably do to some degree too, but I just about can't stand it.
8. I hate seeing someone spit. Not sure why that bothers me so much either, but it does.
9. I hate when people act all high and mighty and say ridiculous things like, "We teach our kids that they shouldn't say 'hate'; it's not christian." This actually happened at the church I was pastor at. Some people complained when I nonchalantly said I hated something, using the exact wording above. I wanted to laugh and say, "Really, because it doesn't appear you teach your spoiled rotten brat-children anything! How's that working out for you?"
10. I hate when I'm stupid, unreasonable, and say hurtful things - whether it's because I totally lost my cool or I didn't realize it until later - I still hate being a jerk (and I am all too often).

There, I did it. And I could probably go on ... for quite some time. I'm not real fond of that either...

One healthy birthday?

"The average American celebrates just one healthy birthday after the age of sixty-five."

What!?! That's how Dhruy Khullar's article 'How To Die In Good Health' starts out. I didn't even read beyond that opening line. 

Apparently the point is that it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe someday I'll get around to reading it. In the meantime... M'yeah... I don't wanna live like that. Which doesn't mean I don't wanna live; or even that I wanna live forever. It means I hope to do what I can to have more than one healthy birthday from here on out.

 

Escape with new struts

I had to take the 2011 Ford Escape XLT 2.5L 4 Cylinder in for service last week. Ugh. It needed an oil change, but it had also been making a clunk/clank noise for quite some time. That sound ended up coming from our piggy bank...

This has been a good car for us, so I can't really complain. Not only did we get the oil changed, a new battery, and wheel alignment, but we also had to have both front struts replaced and a new stabilizer bar link kit. They suggested replacing the rear shocks, fuel injection service, cooling system flush, and replacing the spark plugs (even though I swear they just replaced the spark plugs about a year ago), but I thought the $1,565.94 was enough for this visit. 

I do have to say, it drives and sounds waaaaaaay better. We'd had issues with the stabilizer bar before, and I just thought something was loose. Apparently the struts had rusted out, so it is one smooth and quiet ride now in comparison.

Five things friday

I've thought about trying to establish these Friday posts around a sort of theme each week. That has proven difficult. So, until something changes, they will continue to just be a random five things I feel worth sharing or that I want to make note of. Here are this week's:

1. For quite awhile now (like, over a year) I've been on a kick where I eat oatmeal with blueberries almost every morning. I use the "quick oats," with a cup of milk (occasionally water), microwave for two minutes, then add a cup of blueberries. I've tried different toppings, but this is by far my favorite. Every now and then I force myself to eat something else, just because I've heard it's not good to eat the same thing all the time, but this tastes good, fills me up, and I think it's fairly healthy.
2. Jane and I often make fun of the stupid commercials on TV. There are a lot of them, you know. However, some of the ones we see when watching GRIT TV are real doozies. Especially the ones about buying gold. However, I read this week that gold prices have hit a record high, surpassing $2300 per ounce. And Costco is selling as much as $200M in gold bars per month! I suppose now is not the best time to jump on the bandwagon then, is it?
3. Speaking of records, the women's college basketball championship game last week between South Carolina and Iowa drew an estimated 18.9 million viewers. That was the largest in women's college basketball history - by a lot! And, yes, I was one of those viewers. Also, yes, more people watched it than the men's college basketball championship game. That's great. Really. I'm happy for women, women's sports, and I do have to say I am impressed with how much it has grown. It's all good! However... you know I'm annoyed with something, right? I'm not upset that more people watched the women's championship game than the men's. I mean, it's not really an even comparison. The women's game was on CBS at 3PM on a weekend. The men's was on a cable station, and at 9:20PM, on a Monday night for crying out loud! That's what irks me!! Why do they put the men's games on so late, on cable, and on Mondays? Isn't it the same with the men's college football championship game? And, I know, it's all about the money. It's always all about the money. And everyone will agree that that is what ruins things... but yet... it always still remains "all about the money." Argh.
4. Which leads me to... Are you a jerk? Am I a jerk? I couldn't help but read this article 'How to Tell If You're a Jerk.'  I don't know that it was the greatest article (they use a lot of big words) but it piqued my interest and has me wondering. They say, "The scientifically recognized personality categories closest to “jerk” are the “dark triad” of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathic personality." Also, there is apparently a difference between being a jerk and an asshole. Who knew? So, that's something I've been thinking about, and I really am trying to be less of... all of that!
5. I will leave you with this question posed by James Clear: "Is the situation actually complicated or is it really quite straightforward, but you're making it complicated because it requires a lot of courage to make the straightforward decision?" Hmm. That's good. Sort of.
   

Alrighty. I need to take a long walk to pick up my car that's in the shop, have a lunch meeting with a friend/pastor, and remember to pick up the wife this afternoon. All in a day's ... "work."

Filling up on gaslighting

Gaslighting. It was Merriam-Webster's "Word of the Year" in 2022. All the cool kids are talking about it (or at least they were).

This article 35 Gaslighting Phrases That Experts Say Are Unfairly Belittling Your Emotions is... really terrible, I thought. But there were a few things that did make me stop and think.

For starters, the simplest definition of the term gaslighting. Webster defines it as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone especially for one’s own advantage.”

However, reading through their list it seems almost everything COULD be legitimate, but could also be construed as gaslighting. And I almost began to feel like it's gaslighting if a man is doing it to a woman, but never the other way around. That's probably me gaslighting though...

Which, I have to admit, whenever I read about things like this, or narcissism, or several other negative character traits... why do I always feel conspicuously guilty? Is it because I am? I mean, I start to suspect that, and then it makes me just want to crawl in a hole. 

But the other thing that jumped out at me while reading this was the list of signs you're being gaslighted (gaslit?):

• Doubt your feelings, beliefs, thoughts and reality
• Question your perceptions and judgment
• Feel alone, powerless, or inadequate
• Feel confused
• Apologize frequently
• Second guess your feelings, memories and decisions
• Worry that you’re too sensitive or that something's wrong with you
• Have trouble making decisions
• Think others dislike you without cause

I mean... THAT'S ME! That's how I feel almost all the time! But then I wonder if that's how people perceive me, or is it 'just me'? Which then makes me wonder if I am the gaslight-er again...

God it's tough having a conversation with myself. 

I guess the point is, don't gaslight people; don't be a man; don't be in a position of authority; and go the hell away! Is that grossly misunderstanding the article well enough? Or grossly misleading you about what it says?

Gah!

I'm going for a run...

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/35-gaslighting-phrases-that-experts-say-are-unfairly-belittling-your-emotions?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us 

20 miles and the eclipse

I feel like I need to remind you: this blog is about "everyday" life, not necessarily a posting every day. ;)  But, yeah, I haven't been writing as much as I'd like. Anyway...

TWENTY MILES

For those who have been wondering: yes, I did complete my 20-mile run Saturday. And it went way better than anticipated! This is the longest run I do in preparation for a marathon and the idea is to try to make it last as long as it will take to run the actual 26.2 miles. I was hoping to drag it out to 4 1/2 hours, but was at least able to make it a full 4 (technically I think it took me 4 hours 2 minutes).

Jane did the first 6 miles with me and I can't remember now if we headed out at 8am or 9, but it was a beautifully crisp sunny morning perfect for running. It was maybe 35F when we started, and around 50F by the time I got done. I wore shorts, t-shirt, and my lightweight Brooks windbreaker and was probably a tad over-dressed. This was my second run in the new Brooks Glycerin 20 shoes, and I loved them! The 8 1/2 fit my feet perfectly.

For fuel I can't remember if I used 3 or 4 pouches of Tailwind Endurance fuel. I think it was 3, and then I had one GU gel with water. I reloaded my 21 oz water bottle at home after Jane's 6 miles, then I ran through Foster Park and went downtown to the Y and reloaded again. So, yeah, including the one I started with, I did 3 pouches of Tailwind, and took the gel at the Y at about mile 14. 

In order to drag out the time, I started walking 1/4 mile every 2 miles after Jane was done. Somewhere around mile 16 or 17 I must have changed to walking 1/4 of every mile in order to hit 4 hours. Those usually came to about 12-minute miles. It also included 20-minute miles when I stopped at home and at the Y (to fill my water bottle and go potty).

I'm guessing the amount of walking I did plus the cool temps contributed to feeling good. However, I never did get sore even the next day or two afterward. It's weird how sometimes I'll run 5 miles and can barely walk down stairs and then I can have a run like this and it doesn't effect me at all. I'll take it!

Now I do 12 miles this Saturday (though we're thinking of signing up for a local half marathon instead) and then 8 miles the next. Then it's the big day!

ECLIPSE TOTALITY

I know everyone is making fun of people using "totality," and I don't care. It was one of THE COOLEST things I have ever witnessed! I mean... there is no way I can describe it. It was humbling, awe-inspiring, bordering on a truly spiritual experience. Seriously.

And, I'll be the first to admit, I thought it was a bit ridiculous that my sister and her son drove from Minnesota (picking up my mom in Illinois) and back just for this. They left Minnesota Sunday morning, stayed at our house Sunday night, and left for home immediately after the eclipse Monday afternoon. Turns out, though, I'm glad they did and I don't believe they regret it one bit!

I was planning to go anyway - but only because totality was a mere 20 minutes from our house, Jane was working at the event, and I have the time. Again, though, I just can't describe what it was like when the sun was completely covered by the moon. Yes, it was neat seeing the different stages of coverage, but I didn't realize you could look at it WITH NO ECLIPSE GLASSES when it was completely covered. THAT is what's indescribable. I couldn't stop staring. Yes, it got dark, the temperature dropped probably 15 degrees, it was completely still and quiet and... I don't know... it was simply one of the most awesome things. The crowd gathered at the Bluffton Y then started spontaneously clapping, but we were all still mesmerized.

The other thing I thought incredible was just the sheer power of the sun. When the first speck of light became visible again you could no longer even glimpse at it without glasses and the sky began to brighten. It was amazing the difference even a speck of sunlight made.

I took several pictures but they didn't come close to capturing the real thing. I snagged this pic from an Indy photographer who used a zillion expensive cameras to get some idea. Even it doesn't completely grasp what it was like to be standing there looking at it with your eyes...

I know I can tend to dramatize things, but I will never regret the hours we spent waiting for this 2-3 minutes. Really, it was one of the most amazing things I've ever witnessed and/or experienced. I'd consider driving a few states over to see the next one whenever it happens again.

For the record: We went to one of the Y branches connected to Jane's work. It's about 20 miles from our house and was the closest place to us for totality. They had a local news station broadcasting there all day, live music, and some food trucks. The actual event was from 1-4pm. We arrived around noon and left a little after 4. I believe the eclipse started around 1:55pm and totality was just after 3pm. There were a lot of people there, but it wasn't at all crowded. Most everyone gathered on the soccer field.

So... sorry for the long post, but those were two pretty eventful happenings for this old guy. I'm feeling pretty good about both.

Five things friday (?)

Okay, so I haven't done a very good job keeping up this week. It's the same thing every day. There's something else I'm going to do first, THEN I'm going to sit down and write. Yet, the same thing always seems to happen... One thing turns into another, and another, and so on and so forth. So, here it is Friday already...

1. I am still working my way through Johann Hari's 'Stolen Focus: Why You Can't Pay Attention - and How to Think Deeply Again.' One new phrase I picked the on the other day is “cruel optimism.” Hari attributes it to historian Lauren Berlant, and it refers to the suggestion that a deeply rooted social problem can be solved by individuals making tweaks to their everyday lives (think obesity, stress, addiction, depression, etc.). Yeah, ain't nothin' 'bout those easy...
   
2. Another phrase from the same book is "surveillance capitalism," coined by Harvard professor Shoshana Zuboff. Whenever tech companies provide something for free, it's for a reason. Hari says it's to "improve the voodoo doll" they have of each of us. Gmail, Google Maps, Amazon Echo, Facebook... all of them. Yes, they're listening to you, tracking your words, clicks, habits, and figuring out who you are, what you do, and what you want. As Aza Raskin (tech originator) explains: "Imagine if I could predict all your actions in chess before you made them. It would be trivial for me to dominate you. That's what is happening on a human scale now." I have no comment.
   
3. I've been doing some reading/research on loneliness in preparation for my next sermon. Today I happened upon this article 'Why Loneliness is Bad For Your Health' and thought this distinction between social isolation and loneliness significant: "Loneliness is a slippery concept. It’s not the same as social isolation, which occurs when someone has few meaningful social relationships, although “they’re two sides of the same coin”, says old-age psychiatrist Andrew Sommerlad at University College London. Rather, loneliness is a person’s subjective experience of being unsatisfied with their social relationships."
4. How about something a little lighter? In today's 'The Friday Update' from Mike Woodruff, he notes: "In spite of being owned by Clorox, Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing now outsells ketchup; its logo has become a popular tattoo, and some bridal couples have replaced the chocolate fountain at their wedding reception with an HVRD fountain instead."
5. Is there any good news? I think so. "Jesus Christ knows the worst about you. Nonetheless, He is the one who loves you the most." -A.W. Tozer.

Alrighty then. Wish me luck because tomorrow is my 20-mile run (the longest before my taper before the marathon), and now I'm off to the basement to find a book I haven't read since 2017 that I'm really hoping is still somewhere in this house! Bya!

Honesty

I have felt convicted lately of the need to be more... honest. Not that I think I'm intentionally misleading or anything like that. However, if I am ... honest ... I have given myself over to the seduction of trying to make things more... interesting... from time to time. Which means I've maybe sensationalized a situation or juiced up a story just to make it seem a tad more exciting to read or hear.

Not only that, but sometimes I will say something in sort of a sharing-from-the-gut type way - like, "this is how I really feel" - and in all actuality, it's not true. For instance, I can feel like no one wants to be friends with me, or everyone is avoiding me, or I'm a complete idiot outcast... but none of those things are really true.

And, I know, most of you (or at least some of you) will say, "Well, gee, Dan, I've always thought you were honest." I appreciate that, but I also know it's a difficult thing. Especially nowadays. As Ted Gioia says in this article, "Honesty is tougher than you think. Deception pays better." He then lists 21 Reasons Why Writers Are Dishonest, and that's just a start!

Why do I think this is important?

I'd say there has never been a greater need for people to be honest and true. On an individual level it seems so many people wants to be influencers nowadays, which means they're often nothing more than pretenders. On a larger level, whether we're aware of it or not, most of us have been and are being influenced one way or another too. (I am currently in the middle of reading Johann Hari's 'Stolen Focus' and it is s-c-a-r-y!).

Culture has veered so far to either side that honesty is almost a revolutionary act anymore. And I'd like to be part of that revolution - for the sake of my children, grandchildren, the planet, and maybe for the simple fact... IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO!!!

So, I'd like to give a go at my "yes being yes, and my no, no" (Mt. 5:37); as well as trying to re-commit to memory good ol' Philippians 4:8: "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think [and say/write] about such things."

I know it's a noble idea, and I will trip and stumble all over myself... but I'm putting it down right here and now.

How about you? Will you join the revolution too?

New shoes

Not much happening on this day-after-easter, but I do need to make note that I recently purchased a new pair of running shoes: these Brooks Glycerin 20s. Of course when I bought them off the Brooks website they were 31% off ($109), and now I see they are $10 less. Still, it's better than the $160 for this year's model (21).

I actually bought a pair of size 9s a couple weeks ago and they were simply too big. So last week I opted for the 8 1/2 and they fit perfect. My first run was 5 miles last Thursday followed by 12 miles on Saturday and I had no problems.

Last year I bought two pair of Glycerin 19s (one in size 8 1/2 and one in size 9) and they were completely different than this pair. I'd read where they completely changed the 19. It wasn't as cushion-y as they normally are, and they returned to the original max cushion last year with the 20s and again this year. (Yes, I tend to buy the previous year's version every year, because they're cheaper).

So, this is really my first pair of actual "max cushion" shoes. I'm still not sure how I feel about them. Jane really likes them (this is what she is currently wearing). While they fit my feet really well, I worry it might be too much cushion over 26 miles. I will wear them for my 20 mile run this weekend and if that goes okay I will likely use them for the marathon at the end of the month. Otherwise I can always wear the Ghosts I wore for my last marathon. Personally I have no need or desire for an actual pair of "racing shoes" (plus I ain't spending several hundred dollars on them!).

And... that's about all I've got for this Monday...

Five things friday (good)

Yes, many people (at least in the USA) refer to this as Good Friday. There are theories as to why. Honestly, I don't really know, or care right now. It is what it is, right? I'm not sure what we call it changes much of anything. Here are five things on my mind today:

1. There was a time when Holy Week was of utmost importance to me. I'd say it was my favorite holiday season, but that seems odd anymore. Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through, or maybe my mind is occupied elsewhere. It's certainly not that I have tired of engaging with the life (and death and resurrection) of Christ. I think I'm just processing it differently.
2. This morning Jane mentioned how I used to always post the David Gilmour Holy Week Liturgy. I actually thought about it a couple times, but not much. I do still intend to turn it into a devotional book (or ebook) - and probably my first piece of published writing. I guess I just didn't feel the need to post it (here or on FB) this year. 
3. Speaking of this morning... I had the pleasure of attending the Y's Good Friday breakfast event today. My wife and daughter were both working it, and Jane has a lot to do with it's planning and behind-the-scenes execution. It was a swell good time. I was inspired to tears by a friend who delivered the devotion, and then it was taken to a whole other level by the speaker, Timothy Alexander. I love events like this and it is perhaps one of the things I miss most about being in church leadership. Not only did the messages inspire me, but just being in this environment and around people made me feel good.
4. I suppose if I had a take-away from this morning it was to finally get my substack up and running. I don't know what else to do other than write, and as much as I'd like to just continue on this ol' blogger platform, I'm not sure it's the best place (for a number of reasons; though I could also be wrong). I'd also like to get back into leadership-type coaching - though I need to call it something different because I don't want it to be about leadership-anything. I'm more interested in being a resource/sounding board/friend/helper for some pastor friends I know. I have some work to do to work it out, but that's the direction I'm presently aiming.
   
5. Since it is Holy Friday, I will close with this reading a friend shared from a hymnal. I resonate with these words (particularly, "Remember us, as one of the criminal community...").
   
   
   Blessings, peeps.
   

To live in a different way

Certainly I think the Christian Bible is a valuable and important work. I read from it often, have read the entire thing through numerous times, and have even committed portions to memory. But is that enough?

Yesterday I was leafing through Christopher A. Hall's book 'A Different Way,' and was reminded of this quote he included from John Ortberg:

Take any person you know whose knowledge of the Bible is, say, ten times greater than that of the average unchurched person. Then ask yourself if this person is ten times more loving, ten times more patient, and ten times more joyful than the average unchurched person.

As Hall says, Ortberg's point is a good one. Information alone is not enough to live a different way. He then goes on to share the importance of listening... Really listening; Spiritual listening, if you will. 

Yeah, this was a convicting little (or not so little) reminder to me. Perhaps Maundy Thursday is a good day to carry this around for a bit ... Not only in my brain, but in my body and spirit as well.

"George is my friend" (and a funny guy)

Surely you recognize the quote from the old cartoon...

One of the funnier and more memorable stories from David Brooks's book 'How to Know A Person' was this piece about former President George W. Bush. It comes in chapter 13 "Personality: What Energy Do You Bring into the Room," and is evidence that W brought a lot. This is from pages 175-176:

When Bush was the Republican governor of Texas, the most powerful Democrat in the state was a man named Bob Bullock. Bush and Bullock got along famously, but from time to time, partisan divides still got in the way. Once, in 1997, Bush, Bullock, and the leading officials from both parties were attending a breakfast to talk about a piece of legislation the Republicans had proposed.

The Democrats had decided they couldn't support it. "I'm sorry, Governor," Bullock said at one point, "but I'm going to have to fuck you on this one." The room fell silent, the atmosphere tense and awkward. Bush stood up, walked over to Bullock, grabbed him by the shoulders, and kissed him on the lips. "What the hell did you do that for," Bullock asked, wiping off his lips. "If you're going to fuck me," Bush replied, "you'll have to kiss me first." The room erupted in laughter.

One biographer wrote that Bush's particular genius was the ability to eliminate, in milliseconds, any distance between him and another person. He wrapped his arms around people, gave them nicknames, treated them with instant familiarity... People, even those who might detest him politically, are happy to be around the guy.

Yes, I count myself among those who didn't look favorably on him as President, but I always liked him and thought he'd be a great person to hang out with.

I've also always thought - wouldn't it be great to be like that!?! Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, we aren't all like that though. But I appreciate those who are, and even though it will never come naturally, I can still try to learn something from people like George. I think the world would be a better place if all of us did.

How to know a person (overview)

I finished 'How To Know A Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen' by David Brooks a couple weeks ago. Overall I thought it was a good book and I like his writing. If anything, though, it sort of faded at the end, or at least could have been a tad shorter. Still, I'm glad I read it and think it an important topic.

The blurb from Amazon starts out...

As David Brooks observes, “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.”

And yet we humans don’t do this well. All around us are people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood. In How to Know a Person, Brooks sets out to help us do better, posing questions that are essential for all of us: If you want to know a person, what kind of attention should you cast on them? What kind of conversations should you have? What parts of a person’s story should you pay attention to?

Driven by his trademark sense of curiosity and his determination to grow as a person, Brooks draws from the fields of psychology and neuroscience and from the worlds of theater, philosophy, history, and education to present a welcoming, hopeful, integrated approach to human connection...

 As for the contents...

PART 1: I SEE YOU

Chapter 1: The Power of Being Seen

Chapter 2: How Not to See a Person

Chapter 3: Illumination

Chapter 4: Accompaniment

Chapter 5: What is a Person?

Chapter 6: Good Talks

Chapter 7: The Right Questions

PART 2: I SEE YOU IN YOUR STRUGGLES

Chapter 8: The Epidemic of Blindness

Chapter 9: Hard Conversations

Chapter 10: How Do You Serve a Friend Who is in Despair?

Chapter 11: The Art of Empathy

Chapter 12: How Were You Shaped by Your Sufferings?

PART 3: I SEE YOU WITH YOUR STRENGTHS

Chapter 13: Personality: What Energy Do You Bring Into the Room?

Chapter 14: Life Tasks

Chapter 15: Life Stories

Chapter 16: How Do Your Ancestors Show Up in Your Life?

Chapter 17: What is Wisdom?

 

I have since begun reading Johann Hari's 'Stolen Focus: Why You Can't Pay Attention - and How To Think Deeply Again.' Based on the introduction I wouldn't be surprised if these two books have quite a bit in common. 

The 19 mile decision

This was it. If I could do the 19-mile run I would go ahead and sign up for the April marathon; if I couldn't... it would have to wait. It all hinged on this run.

Naturally, things started off on the wrong foot when we had to alter our running schedule for the week. Normally we both do 'long runs' on Saturday, but our granddaughter had a mid-morning basketball game and we had to work a concert this past Saturday. So Sunday it was.

Working a concert means we are out late, and I am normally tired after bartending and being on my feet for ~7 hours straight. Plus I hadn't felt great all week (sleep troubles, heart rate issues, tiredness, etc.). Top that off by deciding to have a couple glasses of wine for the first time in several months... and the first hangover I can recall in even longer (not because I didn't use to drink too much, but I think I stopped having hangovers at some point). ...

Anyway, I woke up Sunday morning and I felt like crap. I was congested, hot, tired, my heart rate and stress level never really dropped off during the night... and I had begun to resign myself to the fact that it just wasn't gonna happen. This marathon was not to be.

We were aiming for a 10am start, and finally by 11 we were both somewhat ready to at least give it a try - though neither of us were at all motivated. I figured I'd see if I could just keep up with Jane for her 9 miles but, like I said, I kinda had it in my head I was done.

It was at least a sunny day, and mid-30 temps was almost perfect even in shorts. We did several miles at a super-modest 11-minute pace and... pretty soon I felt fine. Not that my heart rate went down, but it was normal for this pace (130-ish). I swear it's like my body just needs to do this to feel okay. So...

We got done with Jane's 9 (which she killed, btw) and I stopped at the house and re-filled my water bottle and took a leak. By this time I'd forgotten all about whether I could finish or not. I just kept going. I did walk a few quarter-mile stints during the second half because I was trying to stretch it into 4 hours of being on my feet. At one point I was walking down Bluffton Road and ... it was like all was right with the world.  I realized I was smiling for no particular reason. :)

So, I finished 19.1 miles in about 3 hours 45 minutes and actually didn't feel too bad. Sure, I was worn out most of the rest of the day, but during the night my heart rate went back down and I feel darn good this morning.

I've recently started using Tailwind Endurance Fuel on my long runs and I think I like it. After the AFib I started carrying a larger water bottle (21oz instead of 12) and it's the perfect size for the mix ratio. For this run I used two packets (two bottles worth) and I did eat one GU gel around mile 12. Tailwind claims their product is all you need for calories, electrolytes and hydration, but I was feeling a tad hungry so I packed the gel just in case. I probably didn't need it. They also recommend one packet of mix every hour, which would be 4-5 for the marathon. They're kind of big packets, so I'm wondering if I can get by on 3 or 4. I guess we'll see.

I just have the 20-miler left, sandwiched between a couple 12 mile runs and 8 the week before the marathon (well, plus all the mid-week 5-10 mile runs). Unless something crazy happens, I guess I may as well sign up for this marathon. I really didn't expect it to happen what with the ablation a mere month before. Pretty wild. Pretty, pretty wild.