I've always sorta been one of those people who's afraid to be happy. You know... because I know that just as soon as I crack the least bit of a smile or relax a little, somebody's going to punch me square in the fucking nose! Well, it happened. Again.
Of course, it's even more ironic given my two most recent posts. I suppose there's a reason for that...
Remember my post Friday telling how I'd been asked to be on the board of directors at church? Well, apparently I was mistaken. Or something. Jane and I both had been asked to consider it. Today I was informed that they are extending a board position to... Jane... but not to me.
Now, I get the logic used. They did not feel we should both serve on the board at the same time. I absolutely agree! So what I would like to know is whose fucking idea was it, then, to ask us both at the same time?! I mean, did someone think that would be a good idea to have husband and wife running AGAINST one another???
I don't know... like I said... I understand the logic. Everyone knows Jane is a better thinker, worker, christian, mother, grandmother, daughter... shoot, she's simply a better PERSON than me. I agree 100%, there is no contest! That's why I love her! But fuck-me-in-the-ass, Batman... it's like I can't catch a goddamn break.
I know the problem is exacerbated for me because I am dealing with the same thing at church AND at work. I feel like I have tried to offer my skill and talent, and in both places it's been dismissed with the regularity of a dog with diarrhea. I'm waiting to see a billboard with my name and face, and in big letters, "Did you know this asshole is fifty-six years old and of no use to the world?!?"
Well, surely you know I am partly trying to wax poetic here. You know, humor is such a good coping mechanism. But about all I've got left is my fucking sense of humor, so I guess I better use it while I can.
In the meantime, yes, I am kind of mad right now. I'm not going to hide it. It hurts. But I know it's not the end of the world. I'm sure it probably has something to do with the intrinsic/extrinsic post from yesterday (and all while I'm trying to ween off my anti-depressants). It's probably a lesson of some sort. Unfortunately I'm not really in the mood for a lesson right now, Alice.
For as much as I know I should be a bigger person, and grow up, and be more mature... I'm kind of tired of trying anymore. Fuck it!
So, I've got me a giant bottle of vodka, it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm in my pajamas. Yes, that might have more impact if I hadn't already worked 8 hours and ran 5 miles today... but still... I'm done trying. Or at least I want to be. I'm just going to be me. You can like me, or you can go fuck yourself. I have no animosity or guile. I yam who I yam. I'll be sitting here the rest of the night drinking my vodka/ginger ale's (John Prine turned me on to them), at least until I get tired of the ginger ale (then straight vodka goes down just fine). Tomorrow's a whole new day to regret...
So go fuck yourselves, folks. Well, not YOU, of course... but all those other people.
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