Where'd I put that fork...

I was planning to quit my job. Unfortunately, I didn't think I could last the two-week notice period, so I asked for time off - immediately. This is my second week off work.

I don't believe I've ever called in sick or been late for work since starting there four and a half years ago. Still, I felt bad about the short notice.

I've not known what to say about it. I'm still not. I got over-stressed about some things - mostly no one listening to me - and I thought I was going to explode. Maybe I did. It's been a while since I've worried about having a heart attack. I didn't like the feeling. I have taken 'mental health breaks' before, but this one seemed different. Maybe it's not.

There is a lot of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I know we're all supposed to be more aware of mental health issues, and many people are, but still... it feels like I am 'lesser than.' You know, "why can't I just be normal and work a job like everyone else?" It's very humbling.

Last week I started off just sleeping as much as I could. I would also use meditation CDs a couple times each day. A counselor once prescribed them for me three times a day just like medicine. I was feeling better towards the end of the week. I've managed to keep up my running, but have otherwise been a slug. I sleep late, laze through the day, and am currently trying to avoid anxious thoughts about returning to work next week. I honestly don't know what is going to happen, because I'm fairly confident nothing is going to change there.

Last week I stumbled onto this article 'Have We Been Thinking About Burnout All Wrong?' It really nailed how I was/am feeling. What I realized is the term "burnout" seems to be used for many things it is not. It is much more serious than I previously thought. There's really not much difference between this and a nervous breakdown (though there's really no set diagnosis of what a breakdown is either). Looking at it as a trauma response - as they do in the article - certainly creates a different viewpoint (at least for me).

So, here I am. Neil sang, "It's better to burn out than it is to rust." I don't know. It doesn't feel 'better.' Now I think I'm going to take another nap... or maybe listen to a meditation CD until I fall asleep. Or not.

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“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” -Matthew 6:34