Sometimes it's exhausting being me. What with all the contradiction and conundrum, I can literally wear myself out and never leave the confines of my mind.
I've never much cared for that saying, "Just sayin'." I don't know if it's the meaning it insinuates - or it could just be someone I know who uses it all the time and I'm not all that fond of them. At any rate, that's what I'm calling this post.
I hate when I put up posts like the last one (Tuesday). There was a day when I would have removed it by now, or at least thought about it. I don't put things on my blog to worry people, and I try real hard not to be too passive aggressive (even though I come by that quite honestly). Many times I will write "difficult" posts days after the actual fact. It's more a recording of history for my own personal posterity. Other times I'm honestly doing it just to try to work through the "stuff." That's what happened with this last one. As soon as I hit "Publish" I started to feel better. It's been a gradual 'bettering' but I am making progress. Well, until the next meltdown anyway.
So, I guess I say all this just to say to the few who may peruse by here on occasion that... sometimes I'm just sayin' stuff. Sometimes it may be good stuff; sometimes bad; I suppose it could occasionally be hurtful or less than kind... But my hope is that it's always real and raw and honest.
I'm not really a nice person. I don't like that, because I really WANT to be a nice person. Sometimes I just do stupid things though and later on I realize how unkind I was.
I don't feel like I've ever been very good to my parents either, and right now I'm feeling some guilt and shame at not being there for them when they need me. Not that they need me, per se, but they need someone. This has been a lifelong battle for me. I've always hated how they treated me like such a "child." Yet now that I need to be grown-up, I can't seem to muster it.
My job is no different. There are parts of it that frustrate the snot out of me, but I also know it would be the same anywhere I worked or regardless of what I did.
I've said many times, I'm probably not complicated... just difficult. I'm even more difficult when I'm pushed or cornered into meeting unrealistic expectations - even if I'm the only one with them. If I don't have enough "alone time," or if I have too much time to myself, I can start to wear thin and all sorts of gross oozes forth from within me. It's not pretty, nor enjoyable.
So I think what I need is to work toward a more simple life. I need a lot of structure. With only a handful of responsibilities. It's not that I can't be disciplined or depended on, but there is a limit and I really need to guard that limit.
I suppose ultimately though, probably my biggest problem is just letting go. I don't like to lose control. I don't like to be OUT OF control. It takes awhile for me to recover from that. That's kind of what happened earlier this week. My body is still recovering physically as well as emotionally.
And, so, there you have it. A bunch of words here that don't really say anything - at least anything that anyone who knows me probably didn't already know. I'm fighting with my fears, and that can be difficult for a pacifist. Especially a wimpy shy passive-aggressive with a bent toward self-destructive sabotage. So what do I do? I write about it on a blog that no one reads. Thus... I'm just sayin'...