Wednesday, March 02, 2016

No creativity

The other day I had an acquaintance share a very heart-felt post on Facebook about his journey into burnout - complete with depression, anxiety, and despair. It really struck a chord in me. I never would have suspected. This person has written many books, has somewhat of a high profile in circles I follow, and just seems like one of those people beyond issues like this. I feel bad for him.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my own ride... I believe it took me a good long time to fade into full-blown burnout; and I don't really know if I'm a survivor yet, or still climbing out the other side. I can feel that I'm much stronger spiritually, emotionally, and even physically than I was. I have a renewed thirst for things I'd grown to detest for a time; I'm fond of reading again; I'm starting to gain a sense of empathy for others that tends to be my link between God and humanity. But there is one thing I still lack.

My creative energy is not there. I honestly don't know if it's just gone, or if it's merely on standby; I have no idea if this is just how things will be now, or perhaps it's simply a season of rest and replenishment still. I do know that I have no desire for music - playing, singing, or really even listening - and writing is a real stretch. Sure, I keep this blog going, but if you've noticed, it is almost all things I've read or heard from someone else. There are no new ideas, no dreams, no vision. The thought of writing a sermon is downright ridiculous.

I think there are two veins at work here. One reason for my lack of creativity is fear. I'm afraid of being wrong or ridiculed or humiliated again. I don't trust myself, much less anyone else. I'm not proud, but it's where I'm at. However, fear, I think, can be overcome. But there's another reason.... and I can't seem to put my finger on it. I know it's there, but I can't see its face. I don't know how to even form it into words. Perhaps that's the the key to the whole thing. Maybe it's the missing link. Could it be that I simply need to wait for the rains to come again... Or am I just in a new place?

You know, I can't say that it's bad. It may even lend itself to being a better coach - if I ever seriously ventured into that. Certainly it doesn't hurt in my current mindless occupation either. At the same time, maybe it will result in something even better than before. Who knows.

So... this is where things are today. If nothing else it's better than thinking about politics.