Monday, July 29, 2013

No church

Yesterday we slept in instead of attending a worship service. There have been a few Sundays during the sabbatical where we missed Sunday worship, but this is the first time in as long as I can remember where we consciously chose to just stay in bed. And it's sad. It all just seems so fake right now.

I know this feeling will pass. At least I hope so. I know it's important. I guess I don't understand how we are supposed to just pretend that everything our life has been about for the past 14 years doesn't exist or matter anymore. The people we've come to know, the babies we've seen just after delivery, the hospital beds we've sat on, the hands we've held, the couples we've counseled and married, the spouses we've buried, the people we've served communion to, and cried with, and celebrated with, the children we've dedicated, the people we've baptized into the faith, and prayed with, not to mention the hours spent praying for... And how can I forget all the times we got to church early and watched our granddaughter dance among the pews as we sang, or every Sunday afterward where she would sing into the microphone and run around the building while we cleaned up... Then we would turn off the lights and lock the door.

I really have no disparaging remarks to say about anyone, but I just feel lost; and confused; and so betrayed. I keep hearing "You just need to trust us" over and over. And now I sit here alone with nothing to do. We no longer have a church family. We're no longer part of a church community. We don't know where to turn or what to do. It's like we don't fit anywhere...

And I'm still not even sure why or what happened.