Thursday, February 20, 2014

Anger confession

I was slapped across the face by this poem from Wendell Berry yesterday:
Do not think me gentle
because I speak in praise
of gentleness, or elegant
because I honor the grace
that keeps this world. I am
a man crude as any,
gross of speech, intolerant,
stubborn, angry, full
of fits and furies. That I
may have spoken well
at times, is not natural.
A wonder is what it is.
- Wendell Berry

 Yep, that's me. I have to confess: I am an angry man. I don't want to be; I hate it when it gets the best of me; but I don't know how to change; I simply don't know how to get over the hurt and pain of some events that happened this last year.

I have accepted, and am even somewhat grateful, for the fact that I am no longer pastoring my old church. At least I think so. But I don't understand why people had to completely turn their backs on us, ignore us, and refuse to have any more to do with us. What has me the most perplexed, and angry, is that I can understand people not liking me, but for the life of me I cannot understand why they would do this to my wife and daughter. I know I can be an ass. I don't want to be, but I can at least see that. But how could people that were supposedly our best friends turn against us so, refuse to give us any explanation, and then say things that were completely untrue? It just boggles my mind.

I was thinking of just laying this out here last night. I don't think I can sink any lower, and I don't know what to do. I am mad at people for not talking to me, and the more they don't talk to me the madder I get; and the madder I get - I suppose - the more they don't want to talk to me. And I don't know what to do. I have tried reaching out to them, I've tried asking my denominational superiors, I've asked friends, I've asked GOD for help... Everyone either says nothing, or that I "just need to get over it." I KNOW THAT... but I don't know how.

So I sink further. I have actually started smoking cigarettes again after having quit 25 years ago. That totally discourages me - not to mention drinking way too much. I am not proud. I am anything but. In fact, I'm about at the end of my rope. So when I read Psalm 32 this morning... I just figured I might as well try this - just putting it out there for God and everybody. This is how I feel; this is where I am. Won't someone please help?

Psalm 32 says...
Blessed is the one
    whose transgressions are forgiven,
    whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the one
    whose sin the Lord does not count against them
    and in whose spirit is no deceit.

When I kept silent,
    my bones wasted away
    through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
    your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
    as in the heat of summer.[b]
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
    and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, “I will confess
    my transgressions to the Lord.”
And you forgave
    the guilt of my sin.

 I confess my anger. I am mad and I can't seem to get over it. I want to, but I keep on sinning in my anger and I don't know how to stop. I don't want to hate people. I also don't want to see my family suffer anymore hurt. Please forgive me, Lord.

And if you happen to run across this as a reader, and you're a praying type of person, I would appreciate your prayers for me and my wife and daughter.