Friday, September 19, 2014

Not a hobby, but an interest

I remember once when I was planning to take what I thought was a sabbatical, because I was burned out, a well-meaning friend at the time suggested that I just needed a hobby. Something to occupy my mind. He said his was cooking. I didn't say anything, but I had all kinds of hobbies at that time... I was simply suffering from burn out. I was running 5 or 6 miles a day, exercising, writing, playing guitar, reading quite a lot, among other things. Now I am no longer burned out, and I'm not doing any of those things - and hardly anything else. I pretty much just exist.

Now I am bored. I don't know what to do with myself before work. I am not overly stimulated by my work. And when I get home... I just don't know what to do. That's the biggest reason I was smoking, and drinking. I was bored.

It's especially bad when I get home from work. I come in the house, stand there, and... nothing interests me. There are tons of things I could do... I could play music, I could read, I could write (more seriously than this), I could make something, I could pray, I could study, I could go for a motorcycle ride, I could take a class, I could go visit someone, I could... I could do all kinds of things...... But I'm just not interested in doing anything. I WANT to do something, but I also don't. So I'm bored.

It occurred to me then that, I don't need a hobby..... I need an INTEREST in something. That's my problem now, there is simply nothing that interests me. And I want there to be. I want to do something, but more than that, I want to be INTERESTED in something.

I suppose it may be part of the healing process I am on. After being told by a group of people who's opinions I highly valued that I was never really any good at what I spent the bulk of my life doing, something I loved to do, something I thought I was MADE to do... it probably takes some time to get over that. If that's what it is... I don't like this part of the process.

So, that's where I am right now: bored with life; disinterested; sorta lost.

Ugh.