I am feeling very peculiar. For some reason the movie "Dead Man Walking" comes to mind. Certainly I'm not trying to make light of that situation or say I'm feeling anything like anyone portrayed in the movie may have felt, but... it comes to mind.
I remember when I first started having inklings about becoming a pastor... Part of it had to do with the fact that I really loved Jesus and the Gospel message, but I didn't know too many preachers that I felt that way about. So many of them just plain rubbed me the wrong way. Like, they had all the answers and they were better than everybody else. I know they're not all that way, but there are plenty.
Even when I became one... I kept getting bugged by this pastor's group to join them for prayer each week. And, honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was get together with a bunch of pastors. I wanted to get together with people who really wanted to find God; people who were searching for a spiritual connection; people who could admit they were lost but no longer wanted to be. People who were HUNGRY. However, I finally gave in, and for the most part this group of pastors was pretty good. I am glad I met/meet with them.
I started wearing an earing again last week. I don't know why, but I was reminded why I got it in the first place. Well, actually, I had one when I was younger, but it eventually grew in. I got my ear pierced again when I was in seminary. It was a nasty rough time in my life which I don't care to talk about, but the reason I got my ear done was because I wanted a reminder. A reminder that I lived for no man. I belonged to God and it was a way to mark myself as His and His alone. I don't know that that is good reasoning, but that was my reason. If you don't like it - sue me!
From time to time I have tried to fit into the "church." I've even been asked to serve on a few committees and stuff at a regional level, and sometimes I think maybe I should. But... I just don't know. I think God has given me a heart for the irreligious. And it's nothing against the "institution" really. I think we need denominations and seminaries and religious groups of all kinds. And I would really like to fit in. But I think we also need people with a heart for God to delve into "the world." People willing to step outside... and actually... live there. And we're still connected, but we're more connected through Spirit than anything you can really wrap your mind around.
I don't know, this is probably just a rambling post. Basically, I feel very alone. Not that there aren't people around. But I feel alone. Not really accepted on either side of the fence. And I don't know which way to go.
This will be a strange day. My daughter is gone - and she's not gone on Sunday's very often. My son is leaving for college for the first time this week - and it will be his last regular Sunday with us in church. And it's not that that's bad, but there are all these "what-ifs." I'm really glad he's going off to college - that's a GOOD thing, but I get so much life from my children. I know they will be okay. And I know I will be okay. I trust you, Lord. But it's a weird feeling. For some reason I have this urge to tell everyone to get screwed, and I'm not sure why. Hmm.
2 comments:
You know what I hear? Rebellion. The "against what" is what I don't know. How do I hear it so clearly? Because I'm a rebel.
It is not rebellion against God, but (for me), it can be against the Law, the institutional church, denominational differences, the box "we" put God in. For so long I lived a prescribed faith; living in the Bible belt, you're just "born" a Christian. As an adult woman, active in church and even serving on staff for ten years, I looked like the "model" Christian. Other people expected something out of me, so that's what they got. A perfect poser (and I had no idea).
And then we moved. And then I fell...hard. Very private hell..."the dark place"...alone in a sea of people. Ready to walk away from my faith, from God, because I was sick of posing...tired of living this "life of faith" that had absolutely none of the power spoken of in scripture. I mean, I thought living like a Christian was a better way, morality is certainly a better choice than the alternative, but professing something I didn't believe was insane.
Short story is God never let go of ME...I really believe He allowed this time of intense doubt and miserable circumstance, to give me a glimpse of life apart from Him. Ultimately, His strength was shown in my weakness, and I realized for the first time I am capable of anything...anything! No sin's too bad for me. In other words, I lost my need to judge or condemn others. He began transforming my thinking for the first time in my life! I saw others differently, with compassion and love that had not existed before (and I was generally a "nice", kind person before, too). I saw opportunity to live out the love of Christ in just about every circumstance I ran into (before, that thought never crossed my mind).
I know it must be frustrating at times to share God's word and KNOW that no one is getting it. I'm not saying your church isn't healthy and there aren't marvelous Christians in the bunch; but I know I've been part of a GREAT church, where the Word was clearly and effectively taught...and I still didn't get it, although I looked like I did.
I'm hungry now...insatiable appetite to know Him better, to share Jesus with those who don't know Him. And yet, to figure out how to do that with my personality, and not fake it anymore. I dunno...I'm spicy and I cuss and I drink (okay, that being said, I'm not a sailor who lets 'em fly on a regular basis, nor a party girl who ties one on nightly), and I used to think I was unworthy b/c I KNOW those things about me. The paradox is there have been some drawn to me BECAUSE they know, they can sense there is no judgment in me, and the love I have for God has been contagious to them...and I've been approachable b/c 1) I don't have all the answers, and 2) they KNOW I'm far from the "perfect" Christian. No pats on my back there, it's just I've been surprised that God seems to have "used" me more obviously to me when I was less-than-exemplary, as opposed to all those years I kept "things" about me behind closed doors.
Okay, Danno, this isn't about me, it's your blog, about your stuff, I guess your thoughts sent me on this rabbit trail (there she goes, explaining herself--sheesh!).
You know this, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded, you ARE accepted by the one who matters, forget "sides of the fence". Watching Him and not the folks on either side usually has a way of telling you which way to go.
More than anything, you probably just wanted to tell everyone to f off because you were sad and conflicted about your babies leaving.
(Does this comment now invalidate me from posting ever again??)
Robin,
Wow... thanks for sharing your story. I appreciate your honesty and "realness." Some very good stuff here. And, yes, I suppose you can still post. It'll take more than that to get you banned around here. :)
peace & blessings,
Dan
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