Weak Soul or Just Inept

One of my good friends (though we've never met, but I believe we would be good friends if we did - except he's much more intelligent than me) used a phrase in his blog recently that really struck me as "mine." He said of someone, "the only thing he was confident of was his ineptitude". He wasn't referring to me, but he was unknowingly describing me.

Then, on the blog of another of my "friends I have never met" I read this little ditty:

Abba Sisoes the Theban said to his disciple: Tell me what you see in me and in turn I will tell you what I see in you. His disciple said to him: You are good in soul, but a little harsh. The old man said to him: You are good but your soul is not tough.

So it all has me wondering... am I inept, or do I have a weak soul? (I'm not looking for an answer, this is an introspective post).

I do feel so "weak-souled." I have never liked competition. I remember after one high school football game I got a "talking to" because I wanted to quit because I didn't like hitting people. Oh, I did it... but I didn't like how it made me feel. And I was the most valuable player on the team that year!

I have the same aversion to competition and "hitting" in conversations too. It's not that I can't do it, or that I sometimes don't do it, and I might even do it well, I don't know. But I don't like it. I hate it when I get caught up in a conversation and find that I got off on a "proving-somebody-wrong" tangent. I hate it even worse when someone feels the need to do that to me. Especially the "blind-sided hit." You know, when you least expect it. And then you wonder how foolish you looked while receiving it (or giving it).

The only time I ever remember being knocked out in a football game (I actually did see stars) was on a hit from one of my own teammates. I was running down field (a running back at the time), and it was like I locked eyes with my teammate and we just ran right smack into one another. It hurt, and it probably looked really, really foolish to everyone in the stands. I'm not sure if I even want to unpack that as it relates to conversations I have with other pastors (or Christians).

Anyway, this is a meandering stream of nonsense. And still I wonder... am I weak-souled, or simply inept? Or is there a difference?

peace.