Helicopter parents

I had never heard the term “helicopter parents” before a couple weeks ago. I don’t even remember what book I was reading, but I was reminded of it the other day when I had one land in my office. Helicopter parents are, of course, those parents who “hover over” their children; they can’t leave them alone; can’t keep their nose out of their business; can’t let go. And before I say anything else… Yes, I know how difficult it is to avoid. Parents WANT to know what’s going on in their children’s lives. This is worsened by the child’s desire to be free; to have their own space; to be their own person. But… tough as it is, it is necessary for parents to let go. That’s why I steer clear of my children’s Myspace and Facebook accounts. Yes, I read their blogger blogs (well, Isaac blogs some), but they told me about those. The other ones are where they “hang” with their friends. And I respect their privacy. Sure, these are “public” places where anyone can go… but to me it would be like reading their diary or journal if they left it out in their room. Or tagging along every time they went out with friends. I “could” go there, but it would be a violation of their trust; an invasion of their space. (Note that my kids are older. I may feel different with toddlers). It’s somewhat the same with me. For instance, my mom has asked me several times what my blog address is. I have always avoided telling her – not because there is anything necessarily terrible here, but, you know… this is where I hang out with my friends. And as a pastor I don’t have a lot of friends, so it’s a special place for me, and I’d just as soon not have my parents knowing everything that’s in my head. Anyway… I say all that to talk about this…

I had this lady come in the other day all upset about her kids. And I use the term “kids” loosely, because they are at least as old as I am – they are both very much adults. But she was all distraught because both kids’ marriages seem to be falling apart, and both of them went on a trip with their spouse to try to work things out. Hey… that sounded like a GREAT idea to me. But this lady was unnerved because her daughters talk to her on the phone EVERY DAY… and this week they wouldn’t talk to her. In fact, one of them hung up on her! She carried on for some time about how rotten her sons-in-law were; how she had suggested to her daughters that they both just needed to move in with her and everything would be okay; and on and on and on. What’s funny is… this lady would tell you that she is one of THE NICEST Christian ladies in the world. And, in fact, she has told me as much. :) And it’s not that she can’t be nice, but… hmm… she fails to understand the “leave and cleave” part of marriage. She would rather her daughters be with her than have healthy families themselves. And the sad part is… I see this all the time.

What is it with parents anyway? They either seem to want nothing to do with their kids, or they want their kids to be their best friends. In case you don’t know: friends are friends, and parents are to be parents. I don’t believe in intermingling. Not that parents can’t be friendly, and friends can’t offer parental advice sometimes, but boundaries are vital here. You know that saying, “We’re not losing a son/daughter, we’re gaining another family member”? I think that is THE WORST saying in the world for the welfare of the new family “trying” to form. The truth is… when your child gets married (and even if they don’t), you ARE losing them. In fact, THAT is the whole point of parenting – to prepare them to GO, to be on their own, to separate. We’re not supposed to raise our kids to be good children, we’re supposed to be raising them to be good adults. And perhaps the reason why so many adults seem so immature is because they’ve never been allowed to grow up by their parents.

Okay… sorry for the rant. I couldn’t say this to the lady who came into the office. So I said it to you. Flying away now...