Tuesday ramble

I am feeling restless. I'm frustrated, and I'm not even sure what about. Not with church, or home. I think I'm frustrated with the lack of community in the church at large. There just seems to be so much animosity - whether it's between differing denominations, different churches, and even within my own denomination. I don't like it. Of course, then I always feel like I must be the one responsible for it.

I had an old retired pastor stop in Saturday morning. He was delivering something to me from someone else (another pastor, and my first thought was that this retired guy was having to do it because the one who should have didn't want to talk to me). I hate it when I get paranoid like this, but... what if it's true? I mean, I think the reason I am such an outcast in my "region" is because I'm seen as a loud-mouth malcontent. I've never been told that, but... I can sense it. I don't want people to think of me like that. I'm just difficult, ya know. Hey, it's hard for me to live with me. I know how they feel.

I don't know. It bums me out that I used to be involved in this great pastors group where five of us got together once a week and prayed and talked about the Bible and whatnot. And now it's just me and Tom, and all we do is complain about the fact that nobody will meet with us anymore. And I used to be involved in another blog where people (mostly pastors) shared stuff and talked about stuff and whatnot... and now no one talks anymore. I used to have a couple people in my church who always wanted to talk and get together to pray or whatever, and now I don't. So I sit here in my office, looking out the window at the snow falling, and it piles up all around. The dog lays in front of the door and pretends to be my best friend (sometimes).

I'm not really even depressed. I just have regrets, and questions, and... don't you wish sometimes that somebody would tell you what they really thought about you - only they could do it in a way that wouldn't come off as rude or smug?

Whatever. The other day at Lowe's the saleslady asked me if anyone had ever told me I looked just like Arnold Swartzeneger (sp? The gov of California). Actually, someone has told me that before. I don't really see it, but.... you know, I do have these gunboats for arms. Hahaha. Anyway... that has nothing to do with anything. But at least someone talked to me. Maybe I should go to Lowe's.

Although, that reminds me, the other day I went to Walmart. I was leaving and I just had two small bags, so I was going to leave my cart in the area inside the doors (rather than take it to the parking lot and leave it in a parking space like most of the carts are there). I grabbed my bags and began to merrily walk out the door - thinking I was such a nice guy and all - and this old bag masquerading as a greeter starts yelling at me; telling me "THAT'S NOT WHERE THAT GOES!" She huffed past me and yanks the cart around. I didn't even know she was talking to me at first. Anyway, stuff like that stays with me for days. It impacted my day. I wish I had been Arnold, and then I'da been able to toss Grandma Grump down the candy aisle right into the photo section. I supposed it's a good thing I'm me.

I am restless. There are days like this, you know. Days and sometimes years. I wish it would stop snowing. I wanted to go to Anderson tonight and see Isaac's band play. Hmm.