This past Sunday I had a number of thoughts running through my head. Jane was in Chicago, so I went to the worship gathering by myself, and sat in the back with Drew.
ON THE WAY IN
I was in a pretty good mood as I got ready and drove to church. I had a good night's sleep and listened to some Christmas music on the way. I felt good both physically and emotionally. I was also glad that I don't have to be there until 11 am now, rather than the 6 am I did for years. When I arrived I grabbed a seat in the back chairs. I didn't want to take a table seat since I was alone. I wasn't sure who else would be there. It ended up just me and Drew, so it was a wise choice.
The music annoyed me just a little. This particular worship leader tends to like to play things loud - which doesn't bother me at all - but today seemed to be much more performance-oriented than participation-oriented (which seems to be happening more and more). Plus, I do not like it when they start singing a standard tune, and then all of a sudden change it to some newfangled way - and of course the words on the screen never seem to match. Ugh. So I was disappointed (in myself) during the music time. I hate when I get critical like that. Especially when so many people are getting so into it. Why am I like this? But why can't people just let us sing along?
Anyway, during the announcements they had about 90 envelopes with various amounts of cash in them. Someone had made a large donation to the church and they wanted it to go to people who need help at this time of year, so we were supposed to take an envelope and give it to someone in need. This really sparked a fire in me, because I had recently been thinking that I need to start buying pizza's for the homeless folks downtown. Just start by buying a pizza and see if I can find someone to share it with, and see where it goes. That's kinda what son Isaac did in downtown Indy years ago. Well, it turned out that all the envelopes of money were gone by the time I could get up there. That doesn't matter though, because I don't really need the money to do it. I still want to do that, but now... not quite as much. Life goes on, ya know.
The message was a little different today. Not bad, but the pastor just read from his ipad. It didn't bother me at all. I think it's good to mix things up a bit now and then. I could tell some people didn't like it, but I bet there were a lot of people who did. I'm glad he did it. I can remember doing similar things myself.
BEING A PASTOR
Listening to Chris this day kind of got me thinking, "I could probably do this again." But then I brought myself back to reality. I honestly don't think I can ever preach again. I think I was just too humiliated. But I did think about the prospect of being a 'pastor of spiritual formation' someday. I think I'm much more suited to that. The coaching would be helpful with that as well. But then I wondered if I really needed the title or not. What would it look like if I were that, but didn't have the title??? Or... not.
Towards the end I was praying that something would happen after the service ended. I decided I was going to hang around and just see what happened. I told God I was open to whatever he wanted. Well... you know... not one person spoke to me. I said goodbye to Drew, Bennett and Caleb, and wondered if maybe they were what was supposed to happen. I dunno. I just kinda felt like I was standing there all alone by myself in the middle of this room full of people.
I ended up leaving, going to the mall and getting some Christmas presents, stopped at Guitar Center and bought a Ukelele, and went to Drew's and had Tombstone pizza for lunch. Then I went home and dinked around the house. All in all it was an okay day.
That's about it.