Fear is a funny thing, ain't it? I don't remember what got me to thinking about this... I guess maybe I stumbled across a picture of a little street-corner church building a few days ago, and I started daydreaming about what it would be like to "pastor" a church like that again. I really would like to start "doing church" (for lack of a better term) with a small group of people at some point again. So I started thinking about what that might look like.
I guess there are two streams of thought that really derail my thinking though. Both are centered around me being a leader of some sort. First is the fear that I would be overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and would eventually fall apart again just like I did at our previous church. However, for some odd reason, on this particular day, my mind went the other direction. What if things worked out? What if I were accepted? What if people participated, followed, showed interest??? I think I have a greater fear of this happening, because then there would be... expectations.
I remember how disorienting it was to realize there were people who thought I had answers for them, or that *I* was somehow going to help them. I had great difficulty in trying to direct people to Christ, without giving the impression they could just follow me instead.
Anyway, I know it's possible for people to lead in churches and walked a balanced line. I know a great many people who do it well. I am not among them though. Maybe I never was; maybe I never will be. At any rate, I'm just not going to think about it. This is what I like about the coaching that I do. It doesn't require me to have any answers. I never even claim to have them. But that doesn't stop me from pointing people to Jesus, or relying on the Holy Spirit, in an effort to find answers.
I saw a quote by Mother Theresa on FB yesterday. She is quoted as saying, “I have never had clarity, what I have always had is trust.” Yeah... that doesn't fit with the coaching paradigm very well, but I think it's true.
Such is life...