Towards the end of the worship gathering they had a time of prayer. The speaker on this day asked people to come to the front who were willing to... I don't even recall now what it was... but people started coming towards the front of the room. I guess they wanted prayer, or they were saying they were open to something (or whatever)... And to be perfectly honest, my first thought was, "Yep, most of them are the same people who do this sort of thing every time they do it." Then I started being annoyed with the worship leader who seemed to be trying a little too hard to look like a rock star. Then I started to resent the people who were losing themselves in prayer and singing and supporting and encouraging one another... Yes, I am that bad.
What in the hell has happened to me?!? I know it's wrong to resent people for being in love with Jesus and having a bunch of friends they can worship and share with; I know it takes time to form new relationships; I know Jesus never once told us that following him was going to lead to a happy sappy awesome life... But I miss feeling like things are right with the world. I miss being part of a "family" (regardless of how dysfunctional). I miss belonging, and loving, and being loved.
I also know that it's nobodies fault but my own. And that it doesn't matter. And there are so many people so much worse off than me. Yada yada yada..... This is not depression, or rational, or me needing cheered up. It's a simple longing for community. Is that so wrong? Well... yes, as a matter of fact, when it turns to resentment, it is. Ugh. I'm so tired.
I was feeling like this again yesterday on my way home from work, and that Tenth Avenue North song, I'm Worn, came on the radio. Yes! That song is so spot on.
Psalm 51:10-12
Create in me a clean heart, O God;
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence;
and take not your holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of your salvation;
and renew a right spirit within me.
Please.
[btw, I am aware that 'rong' is spelled wrong in the title]