A scene that's been replaying in my brain lately has been a conversation from a couple years ago. I was sitting in a small-town bar with a handful of people late one 'martini night.' I was talking with an old friend who happens to sing in the house band. She was feeling no pain, and I'm not sure how it even came up, but at one point she says to me, "You know, you used to have that 'it' quality about you. When you walked into a place you looked different from everyone else. It was like you were in command of your surroundings or something. People could see that you were 'somebody'... You don't have that anymore."
I know she was drunk, and she absolutely didn't mean any harm. What's worse, though, is I knew she was right. I wasn't aware of having "it" when I supposedly had it, but I knew when it was gone.
So I've been struggling with a lot of feelings lately. Insecurities about quitting a job, finding a new job, starting a business, accepting my limitations, searching for my passion... I don't know why I can't just go to work, come home and be happy like everybody else!
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So, I just completed this online course through Udemy. I think I mentioned it previously. I'd never taken one of their classes and when I saw I could take one for only $10 I signed up for the first one that tripped my trigger. I chose "Radical Acceptance with Tara Brach" because it was supposed to address low self-esteem. This is the first part of the course description:
One of the most painful and pervasive forms of suffering in our culture is the belief that “something is wrong with me.” For many of us, feelings of deficiency are right around the corner. It doesn’t take much--just hearing of someone else’s accomplishments, being criticized, getting into an argument, making a mistake at work--to make us think that, deep down, we are just not okay.Yeah... that's where I so often seem to find myself. And it was a worthwhile course. I wasn't aware it was about Buddhist meditation, but I don't think I've changed religions or anything. I have some notes I will likely share in the future. For now I am trying to figure out one thing though: what do I love doing?
Certainly I can say that I love my family, friends, church, etc. I can also tell you right away many things I do NOT like! It's harder for me to think of things I love DOING though. It's similar to searching for things that make me happy. I have to think about it for a long while.
Anyway, that's where I'm at today. I'm trying to accept who I am, while at the same time fight the urge to think I'm "not somebody" anymore. I can sense there are people who feel that way since I've quit my job and when they hear I'm not frantically looking for another. My father called me a lazy bum enough times when I was younger that it doesn't take much to hear it in the wind.
Meh... I dunno.