I move slow...

...because I've no particular place to go.

I have always been a slow talker, and a slow walker. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a movie scene where a person is standing still and everything all around them is a blur of motion.

I can remember in high school I used to walk really really slow in the hallways to and from class. I rarely tied my shoe laces, and sort of tried to just blend into the wall as I slunked along to geometry or sociology or whatever. I think people made fun of me behind my back because of this.

I was, however, a fast runner. When I wanted to be. I was a sprinter on the track team, and actually started college on a track scholarship. I ended up transferring and then dropping out before I ever competed collegiately, but I COULD have run track in college. If I wanted.

----

Sometimes I think about this when I work at the Y. Not about running track, but the moving slow part. My boss is almost the exact opposite of me. He hurries everywhere he goes and in everything he does. Every now and then he will rush past me and I'll feel myself sort of... just... thinking... "why in the world is he is such a hurry?"

Of course, the truth is, he has things to do and places to be! I'm sure he, and others, probably wonder why I move so slow. Well, you know, I have nothing to do and nowhere to go.

----

A thought jumped into my mind last week something along the lines of... I actually could make a difference; I could be proactive. It was like I'd suddenly realized I've become this person who has passively settled into a state of having my life dictated by others. Not that anyone is MAKING me do or be anything, but I am allowing it to happen. Like I'm in neutral and just being pushed about - whether that is moved into a position someone else wants me to be, or simply slid out of the way like a snowblower in Spring. I dunno... it was much clearer at the time, but I came to the realization I am not actively engaged in life. I have been letting life happen to me, rather than living it. And for about half a day... I wanted to do something about it.

Then I must have started thinking about something else, because I'd forgotten about it until just now... Just now when I hummed the line, "I move slow... because I've no place to go."

So, there's that.

----

On another note... I went to a sort of church meeting yesterday. It was in a coffee shop, and was just me, one other person, and the pastor at our church. Our church is not very "church-y." In fact, it's not even called a "church." It's a "ministry." Some time ago the pastor asked if I would be part of a group to help bring some organization, or leadership, or something, to the "ministry." There are no elders, deacons, or leadership group of any kind - there's a part-time pastor, part-time secretary, and part-time janitor - and while that's not all bad, it also leaves things in a bit of chaos sometimes.

Anyway, I went to this meeting. First off I realized I'd brought the wrong notebook because I thought it was for something else, even though my phone calendar clearly stated which meeting it was. It didn't matter because there aren't really any notes or anything to go by anyhow. So we chatted for about two hours. I had a Cafe Miel (?) to drink, and eventually found myself sinking into my seat.

It's nothing against other people - not that they don't matter, but they're not the cause or problem - but as I tried to give input, and listen, and be a part... I slowly started to lose interest. I began to think maybe I just can't get along with others; or maybe I am stupid; or maybe I'm just completely out of touch and my ideas are nonsense. I don't fit. I don't think I have control issues, but the thought occurred to me that maybe I just can't be a part of things I'm not in charge of! But I don't want to be in charge of anything!!!

I left the meeting kind of dejected. I felt like nothing was accomplished, and I wasn't sure I was up to the task.

----

Anywho, today is St. Patrick's Day. I'm sitting at the desk looking out the window at the falling snow, typing on the laptop, and hoping Jane is having a good day while visiting her brother in Colorado.

I suppose I should get ready and start driving for Uber. I'm sure there are already people getting drunk on green beer. I drove a little last night - from around 5-8 pm. It was steady at first, but then got slow, and I got tired. I came home and watched college basketball and then a couple documentaries and went to bed around midnight. That was earlier than I anticipated. I thought I would drive longer, but I just wasn't into it.

I suppose I could make some money today and tonight... You know... slowly driving my car around, and having people tell me where to go and what to do... I never really thought about it like that...

There ARE some interesting people in the world, but sometimes I get tired of listening to others talk. I dislike being asked questions even more.

----

Well, this has become sort of a downward spiral. Lol. I didn't intend it to happen. Maybe that's how it works. Hmm...

I think I'll stop now.

Peace out; and in.