I prayed

This past Sunday I actually, finally, prayed in front of a congregation of people again. I was sooooo stinking nervous all day Saturday, but I did live to tell about it. As I will now do...

This was really the first thing I've done in a church service since being asked to not return to my church almost 6 years ago. Yes, I preached once at our home church in Illinois, but other than helping serve communion or being a greeter, this was the first time I'd held a microphone and actually spoke in front of people.

I'm sure you're thinking, "What's the big deal?" Well, it probably shouldn't be a big deal... but you've no idea the war that's been waging inside of me these past several years. The feelings of inadequacy, the timid little boy that bosses me around, the questions of, "Am I good enough?" "Who do I think I am?" "Will I ever recover?" "Why, why, why???" I mean, the amount of drama my brain puts me through is almost unbearable sometimes...

Anyway, last Thursday I was asked if I would be willing to offer the Sunday morning prayer (by the person who is apparently in charge of it - even though I have an inkling they may forget this from time to time). It was a big long message with all sorts of justifications and explanations and whatnot. I simply said, "Sure. Thanks." Then it turned out that our pastor got sick and wasn't able to be there Sunday, so he also texted me Saturday night to see if I would do the prayer time (apparently not knowing his wife had already asked me).

To be honest, it helped a great deal finding out on Thursday instead of Sunday morning. Yes, it meant that much more time for me to stew and fret, but I just don't do well with spur-of-the-moment stuff. So I was nervous as a cat as the day approached. I went through old books, and looked up stuff on the internet, trying to find what would be THE PERFECT prayer to astound people with.... And it occurred to me... I might be going about this all wrong. Ugh... why am I like this?

Eventually, I did write out a prayer that I thought would be simple enough, but also sufficient to give a little glory to God (rather than just pray for people's ailing body parts). I wanted to be prepared in case I froze with the mic in my hand, but hoped to pray more extemporaneously. And I did. I'm sure there is video evidence of it somewhere on the interwebs. I honestly have no idea what I said, or if I made any blunders or not, or if I spoke loud enough and clear enough for people to hear me. I don't think my praying brought any sinners into the kingdom, but in my mind, it was a start.

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I've had these rumbling thoughts lately... and I was more fully convicted this morning during my reading/journaling devotions that... I maybe, kinda, sorta have this problem. I'm not sure if I am more concerned about others learning and hearing about God... or if I merely want to 'appear' that I know something about God. Either way, it struck me that my concern has NOT been that 'I' know God! You know... I want to share a great prayer so people might see Him in it... but am I able to simply pray from the heart because I see Him and know Him?

This is not something to be proud of - nothing in this post is! But I feel like it's significant for me. And my prayer this morning was one of those, "I don't know what to do, God." Also, "and I want to know You."

I think I've been so concerned with wanting to prove that I 'am' somebody - to others and even to myself - that I've forgotten about simply 'being' somebody. I've forgotten about integrity and character and the idea that who I am when no one is around is more important than who I appear to others to be.

Maybe it's because it is Lent (even though I haven't really thought about Lent at all); or maybe it's reading this daily devotional about all the saints of old... I don't know. I suppose it's humbling, but if feels more like I've just been stupid. But that's okay.

So... I prayed during our Sunday morning service last week. And I'm still praying. Hear my prayer, O Lord. Amen.