Standing in the rain dry

Last night I was standing in the middle of a parking lot in the pouring rain. Yet I was completely dry. It was one of those odd moments perhaps best described as 'chaotic serenity.' I know that's a contradiction. Or, is it???

I was working as a volunteer in the parking lot next to our church. When the minor league baseball team has a home game, we have to charge people to park there. As is often the case, I was not supposed to be the one working tonight, but... you know... nobody really wants to work in the rain. I didn't mind so much. What else do I have to do?

It poured down rain almost the entire 2 1/2 hours I was there. Of course, as soon as I left... it quit raining (there was a 1 1/2 hour rain delay).

I've stood in the rain plenty of nights. As long as the other parking lot workers are out, I am out. So I have a rain coat, rain pants, and I also carry an umbrella. I really was quite well protected and only got my feet a little wet later in the night.

Still, even being dry, there's something about standing in the middle of a downpour. It's like one of those shots in a movie where you're standing still but everything is a blur of light-lines flashing by you. Pretty soon I started to feel real small. Was this a picture of my life? Me, hidden from the elements of matter going on all around... Silence in the midst of sound... An invisible soul in a sea of somebodies...

I've been feeling alone a lot lately. Not in the lonely sense, really... but... like I'm just existing more than living. Jane has been doing some things on her own, which is good, but different. I am a loner at work - I have no friends and don't really talk to anyone. Then, while standing in the rain last night, I got a text that there was a shooting near our daughter's house - they heard the shots, she had to get the kids on the floor, they saw the blood and the body... and I was nowhere around. And, you know, I really don't know my son anymore; I'm not really involved at church... I have very little to do with anything or anyone. My existence is pretty... minor.

There are other things too. I haven't been good at responding to messages for some time now. I've never been a very good son, brother, or "family member" in general. While I am quite dependable in the mundane of work and commitments, I'm not really someone who's ever "been there" for people. I tend to hide, disappear and fade away.

So, as I was thinking about all this in the early hours of this morning, my inner voice once again began to berate and belittle. Who was I? What was I doing with my life? Why couldn't I be better?!? I mean, I go to bed when the sun is still shining. I'm halfway done with work before most people have had their first cup of coffee. A majority of my days are spent counting three breaths out and two in as I log miles on my running shoes... Have I checked out of life with other people? Am I letting it slip away and pass me by? Will I wake up one day and have nothing left but this chair and my thermos!?

Well, I don't know. Because then, for no particular reason, I had this vision of the raindrops turning into that flash of lines flitting past NEO in the Matrix movies. Was all this a sign that maybe I was learning to be still in the midst of life?! Rather than freaking out about everything... I could actually stand in and stand up and not be all in a tizzy? Was this some kind of inner peace?....

Hmmm... I'm honestly at a loss for words. I can't tell if this was a good thing, or a bad thing. Or..... was it just me standing in the rain... dry