Home, stress, home

We made a quick trip back home this past weekend. We left when Jane got off work Friday afternoon, and got back to the Fort Sunday afternoon about the same time.

Carrie and the kids also went, but they drove separate. They left mid-morning Friday, and headed back mid-morning on Sunday. Although we actually beat them back because they took a different route and stopped at Tanners Orchard near Peoria as well.

My parents were doing "okay." The last we'd heard, my dad had been using a wheelchair and pretty much just sleeping all the time. He didn't use the chair at all while we were there, but is still pretty dependent on his walker.

My dad's birthday was yesterday (10/28), and my mom's (as well as mine) is this coming Saturday (11/2). So we had pie and sang happy birthday to my dad, but I don't think he really knew who we were singing to, as he sang along as well.

I actually did not leave the house once we arrived Friday night until we left on Sunday. Saturday I helped "winterize" my mom's yard. We put the patio furniture and carpet in the garage, as well as some of her bird baths and other yard "stuff." I also did some other odds and ends that needed doing before it started raining.

The girls all went shopping in nearby Princeton in the afternoon. I stayed home with the boys and was actually able to watch the Illini beat Purdue in football (between helping Bennie find lego pieces). It's rare that I get to see Illini games since we don't have cable. The win was an unexpected bonus!

So, where does the stress come in, you ask? For starters, I've always had a certain angst about me when at my parents. They treat me like a child, and while I know many parents do that to grown children, it just really irritates me. It's like they've never really acknowledged that I'm an adult. Of course, the more I resent that, the more childish I act... which makes me mad. They are also masters of passive-aggressive manipulation. I learned from the best.

Mostly though, I have to admit, it is difficult seeing my parents get old. I've never had a good relationship with my dad, and at this point I'm never going to. He is literally like a child himself now. It's hard for me to know how much of his behavior is due to the dementia, the meds he takes, or simply because he's always been like this and now it's magnified by old age.

Top all this off with my inability to think on my feet and make quick decisions... I often feel like I'm being put in a corner right off the bat every time I go "back home." My mom always has a list of things for me to do. Most of the time it's things I 'can' do, but I'm just the type of person that I need to THINK ABOUT things for awhile. Then she always seems to wait to the end to bring up the biggest thing. You know, "There's this major plumbing problem I've been having and I wondered if you could look at it." Not only can I not just look at something and know right away what to do, but I am not a plumber, electrician, home builder, or handyman at all! So when I'm already feeling stressed out, it builds to volcanic levels when these things are thrown at me. The result is always that I then feel guilty for not being able to help.

And when I get like this, it becomes that much more difficult to navigate the grandkids and their innocent requests for help/attention/love... and I always seem to end up feeling like I'm letting everyone down, I can't do anything, and I'm a total incompetent loser who should be ashamed to even be alive. I can't be there for my parents, my spouse, my kids or my grandkids... and I just want to find a hole to crawl into.

So.... this is why going "back home" is not so enjoyable. I don't even want to go see old friends anymore (some of my classmates had a gathering to see one of my best friends from high school, and I had no desire to go). Then... I hate myself for letting it stress me out and for being who I am.

There. How's that for a cheery blog post?

It takes me like a week to get over a weekend like this. At least I've got this job that gives my life lots of meaning.... Wait... what? Ugh..........