Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.
I have heard and read plenty on this passage taken from James 4:13-17 in the Christian bible. Trying to make plans is somewhat of a foolish endeavor, especially in these uncertain times of "shelter-in-place" and coronavirus pandemics. That last sentence is what is haunting me today. "If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn't do it, is is sin for them."
My question is: what if I don't know the good I ought to do? I mean, I have almost no idea what is going on in the world right now, or the United States, or Indiana, Fort Wayne... or even my own life.
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Anyway, I am somewhat frazzled on this Friday. I've been off work for over a month, and now that people are starting to talk about returning - and soon - it is, quite honestly, freaking me out a little.
THE GOOD
I have actually enjoyed not working these last 5 1/2 weeks. I can stay up late, sleep in, ease into the day with coffee and the news, take a run whenever I want, read, write... pretty much do anything I want (other than go anywhere). The only thing I wish I could do is visit my mom and do some work around her place. Maybe go out to eat once in awhile.
Ironically, I have also made more money being off work than I did when I was working (at the Y anyway). The four paychecks I've received from unemployment have been $1,000 more than four paychecks at my job. I have no idea why I received the extra $600 per week on top of my unemployment benefit. I wasn't making anywhere near that when I was working!
We were also finally able to put our bank information into the "Get My Payment" spot in order to receive our $2400 stimulus check. I'd been trying every day for a month and kept getting the same message saying it was unavailable. While we haven't received it yet, I have no reason to believe we won't.
THE UNCERTAIN
The biggest uncertainty for me right now is my work situation. The Y has not been overly helpful in giving guidance (imho). Having two other family members who work there (who are both higher up than me) offers me bits of info most part-timers do not get. Even that has not been helpful though, and they are as frustrated as I am.
Granted, much of the uncertainty is centered around the states "shelter-in-place" order and when it will be lifted. So no one knows when we might be able to return to work, what it will look like, how it will happen, and the like. Plus, for me, I don't know if I will even be ASKED to return to work. There have been statements made that not everyone will return. Some people have been fired, some positions eliminated, policies and programs have been changed... and none of it has been shared (at least to employees like me). I know as well as anyone I am not the easiest person to get along with so it wouldn't surprise me to not be asked back. Even if I am asked to come back though, I don't know what my hours might be, how many hours I might get, what I will be doing, or... if I even want to!
On top of that, I may have another job lined up. I sent my resume to a company right after I was laid off. The manager called me almost immediately. I am supposed to meet with him once the governors order is lifted. It sounded like he might want me to start right away. It would pay better than the other, and would have some other benefits; but also some drawbacks. But everything is so uncertain, and no one knows anything anymore...
So... Will I get called back to my old job? What will it look like? Will I get offered another job? What will it look like? That's a lot of uncertainty for me.
One facebook meme I keep seeing in my mind is this:
Yeah... it's a good time to re-evaluate. And I can recall many days when this one might have been more in line with my sentiments:
THE BAD
The truth is... I don't really want to return to work. I want to continue to make money while not doing anything. Which, I know is not true. It's not that I don't do anything. And as much as I like hanging around home, I actually do WANT to do things. I want to do worthwhile things. I want to do "the good that I ought to do."
I'm simply not sure what that is. On one of our daily walks I was discussing my work situation with M'Lady. I suppose I do this just about every day - long before we were sheltering in place. On this such day she kind of half-jokingly said, "Maybe you should pray about it." I think as soon as she said it we both knew it wasn't funny.
What's even more sad is... I don't really even know how to pray about things like this anymore. I mean, does God really care what I do for a job? Even aside from the financial aspect, does it matter what I "do"? I could probably 'do' just about anything. What difference would it make?
Perhaps more important than what I do is... who I am! What kind of a person am I? What kind of a person do I want to be? What kind of a world do I want to live in and leave for my grandchildren? And... "what is the good I ought to do"... that I'm not doing?
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Well, there's a whole lotta frazzlin' goin' on. As I read my morning devotions around lunch-time today, I felt a sense of calm. I was reading a Psalm - I don't even remember which one, and it may not matter - and it occurred to me... I'm going to need that sense of calm, that sense of constancy, in my life regardless of what I "do" for work.
I have always been big on praying, or meditating, with short phrases over and over. The Jesus Prayer is one I often use: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Another is Psalm 23:1... "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."
So... there's that. These are uncertain times. It is almost impossible to make plans. I need to start preparing for something though.
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