This picture popped up the other day as a Facebook "memory." It was from my 'pastor' days (though I rarely wore a tie). That's when I was regularly up in front of people. I had hair. I was smiling... I have to admit, as I looked at the picture the thought ran through my head, "Yeah, that's when I used to be somebody."
I recall many times during my early days as a small-church pastor thinking, "This is what I was made for." I felt like I was right in the center of God's will for my life. The planets were aligned, and I was full of life. All seemed right with the world. At least for awhile.
Of course, anyone who knows me - even if you don't know a lick about my past - can tell my planets have been out of whack for awhile now.
It's not that I am slumming on the streets or anything. But I lack confidence. I don't trust myself. I no longer possess the stature I once had where I could walk into a room and have no doubt I could handle anything thrown at me.
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I don't remember what book I was reading on heaven - maybe Scot McKnight, or Brian McLaren - where I first thought about what we will look like in the "afterlife." I guess I always assumed it would be as our 'best self.' But what if it's not (assuming we will look anything like we humans do now)? What if it's an amalgamation of all of our selfs through time? I mean, I can't believe, if we're going to get new bodies, why would we look like we looked when we died? Yet, why also would we look like we did at 21?
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Well, I have been digging into Richard Rohr's fantastic little book 'Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life' while isolating at home during this covid-19 pandemic. It is not the easiest of reads for me. I don't know if it has to do with his writing or my lack of focus. At any rate, I am glad I am home and have plenty of time to digest, re-read, and contemplate. The content is worthwhile.
Chapter 6 is titled "Necessary Suffering," and begins with a couple quotes from Jesus about 'losing your life to find it,' and needing to 'hate your father, mother, wife, etc.'. Rohr does a fine job of deciphering these truths, but that is neither here nor there at the moment.
On p. 85 he drops this little ditty:
"Your false self is your role, title, and personal image that is largely a creation of your own mind and attachments. It will and must die in exact correlation to how much you want the Real. 'How much false self are you willing to shed to find your True Self?' is the lasting question. Such necessary suffering will always feel like dying, which is what good spiritual teachers will tell you about very honestly... If your spiritual guides do not talk to you about dying, they are not good spiritual guides!
Your True Self is who you objectively are from the beginning, in the mind and heart of God, 'the face you had before you were born,' as the Zen masters say. It is your substantial self, your absolute identity, which can be neither gained nor lost by any technique, group affiliation, morality, or formula whatsoever. The surrendering of our false self, which we have usually taken for our absolute identity, yet is merely a relative identity, is the necessary suffering needed to find 'the pearl of great price' that is always hidden inside this lovely but passing shell."
I suppose you may need to read the whole book for this to click together. Yet this is exactly the nail that's been suspended over my false-self coffin for so many years. And... I have been aware. I've talked about it with friends, counselors even. Perhaps it was seeing the picture, thinking the thought, and reading this piece all on the same day that brought the planets ...closer.
I do believe I was in the center of God's will all those years ago. For that time. But to think that's when I "was somebody" and now I'm nothing... that's my bad.
This 'two halves of life' thing - again, even though I was aware of it (or thought I was) - is so... enlightening.
Actually, it kind of makes me feel like I did just after I was released from my pastor job. I was no longer what I was, but I felt a sense of becoming something... else. A sort of 'next' something. Now it's figuring out, or leaning into, the 'next something' God has in store.
Part of my recent problem has been the feeling of uselessness. From the lack of respect to the lack of caring. I suppose dead people feel pretty useless (if they feel anything at all). And the necessary suffering just took a different turn that I expected. Imagine that!
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Anyway, part of me is tempted to say right now, "See, Dan, you're still somebody." I think that's the false notion. I think the Truth is, though... I've never been "somebody!" I am someOne; a part of the One. And I am not now, nor ever have been, anything but... loved. Just as I am; just as I will be.
(I'm losing focus just now, so it's a good place to stop)
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