I don't know

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." So says Dickens in one of his classics. Such prophetic words, for so many... times. Even still.

Here we are in day... I don't even know how many days we've been under this supposed 'stay-at-home' order during the covid-19 pandemic. I think we will hit the 2-month mark shortly. I say "supposed" because not everyone seems to be following it, and, in my state of Indiana, there are phases of re-opening. My wife has worked the entire time (though with reduced hours). She started out working from home. Last week she was allowed to return to her office. I have another week and a half or something.

I've been trying to do what I thought we were supposed to do: flatten the curve. Which I took to mean we were supposed to stay home unless we needed to go somewhere essential. So, every week or so I make a trip to the grocery store... by myself... with my mask and rubber gloves. I've also been trying to stay active and go for a daily walk, run, or bike ride. I always do my best to keep my 6-feet distance from others (or more). The only times I have strayed have been a handful of times we've gotten together with the daughter's family, and a job interview thing.

Yet, I feel like I am the only person doing what I'm supposed to do. And, I admit, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm overreacting... or paranoid... or a too-strict-fundamentalist... or... simply all alone.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do in regard to following the rules! I admit, for as much of a rebel as I am, I like to follow the rules. I want to do the right thing. But... I don't know what that is anymore.

As restrictions are being loosened, it leaves me in a bit of a quandary. Sure, we CAN go to restaurants now... but I don't know that I want to. We CAN gather in groups of 25 (or is it 100 this week?)... but I don't know that I want to. Some people CAN return to work... but I don't know that I... ... actually, I'm pretty sure that I DON'T want to!

Yes, I am having some anxiety issues about returning to work at the end of the month. I've been isolated at home for almost 2 months now, and I have developed a new routine. I understand that it was only temporary, but they say it takes just 28 days (or something) to develop new habits. Done.

I get notifications from work trying to inform me of changes, and new procedures, and how we are supposed to be positive, and show grace, and be "team players," and support the company... But I never see anything acknowledging that... this is going to be difficult for ME (and my co-workers)!!

It's not that I don't want to work again. It's just going to be different. It's not that I don't want to extend grace to others, or not be a team player, or anything of the like... I honestly don't know that I can though! I am nervous, anxious, ...shit, I'm scared! Not so much that I might 'get the virus'... but that I might freak the fuck out!!! What if someone wants to hug me? What if everybody comes in to bitch at me about new regulations, their account, what I/we are 'doing to them,' or all the other usual things people bitch about? What if I can't stand to wear a mask for 8 hours? What if I get frustrated and say something I shouldn't? What if my boss, or the company, does something I don't agree with? I mean, I can't complain or I'm "not being a team player"... or "speaking negatively"... or "have a bad attitude." You know what? You're absolutely right! My attitude is frazzled and frayed and... kind of frozen. That's not good! I don't know how I'm going to react, what I'm supposed to do, and I don't know who I'm supposed to talk to because if I say anything to anyone I will be (see the above: not a team player, negative, bad attitude)...

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Anyway, that's just a bit of what's been swirling in my brain these past few days. When the pandemic began I was doing great. I loved the break from work, the chance to sleep in, read some books, work around the house. Now, while I am getting a bit bored, I don't have great confidence in my ability to just jump right back into the game.

I also don't have confidence that people who have been working this whole time can understand the anxiety some of us feel who have not. Namely, me. It's going to take an adjustment, and I want people to understand that. But I don't think they will. So I'm stressed about that. There, I said it. I'm stressed. I feel alone. I don't know what to expect. I don't trust my ability to fit back in. I have a history of not dealing with change very well. I've always been prone to saying and doing stupid things. That's what worries me.

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Last week a friend of mine wrote this piece that brought me great comfort. He basically said he doesn't know either. And he's the director of a denomination! It helped me to know that I am not alone. Strange how sometimes the best leadership can come by confession. At least for me.

One of my new habits has been to read first thing when I get up. I mentioned previously I am reading the bible through in the form of 'The Story' (a chronological synopsis of the whole book). I am starting to like it. Sure, it has a few holes here and there, but it's bringing the whole "story" of the bible into better focus.

Today I sat by the cat to read, and it brought me into Isaiah's time. The great prophet. I read along and pretty soon came to the "suffering servant" passages (google it if you aren't familiar). Man, that stuff is... dare I say "magical"? It slowed me down. Like the batter seeing the laces on a baseball; the runningback seeing the hole open up; the runner feeling the groove. For a moment, everything stopped. Peace.

I don't know what's going to happen. Not with the world, or the virus... I really don't know about any of that stuff. My stress has been: what's going to happen with me? And while I still don't know that... I know what happened to 'Him.' I know that He knows.

"A bruised reed he will not break,
    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out." (Is. 42:3)

The best of times and worst of times? He has known them. And I believe He still does. That's my prayer today.

Peace out, my friends; and in.