Rough day

It was like waking up on the wrong side of a dream.

I can't think of any other way to describe the emotional rollercoaster of yesterday. And, really, so many days lately. I sat for a long time simply trying to find words to title this post. It is insufficient.

THE LAKE...
On the first Saturday since my return to work, we planned a trip to Lake Wawasee to visit some of our best friends. They live there, and we were so looking forward to not only seeing 'other people' but these people in particular. We are all similarly laid back and we spent an enjoyable afternoon/evening hanging out on their porch and pontoon. We discovered we hadn't seen each other since January, and it blows my mind that tomorrow will be June. So this was the good part of the day.

TOM...
I got a text before we left, though, that my best friend - who has also been our pastor of late - was taken to the hospital with stroke-like symptoms. We have received very little news, as hospital communication is so difficult in this day and age. We only know that he was admitted to the hospital, and his wife had been running a fever last week. They are also in the process of moving from the church he has been pastor of for over 20 years to a new church in Michigan, and the purchase of a house, along with all the other pandemic problems of pastoring right now. So a stroke would not be out of the question. However, there are a million other things it could be too, and being coronavirus-related is more than plausible.

This had me pretty flustered, to the point I can't really even talk about it. I don't know what to say, what to do, or how to feel.

DAVE...
While still processing the above on our way to the lake, we were then informed of the death of a friend from our previous church. He led the ministry to the downtown homeless we were part of. As soon as we met Dave we could sense his gentle heart and love for people. He was a great guy! The fact that he reminded me of Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead) made him all the sweeter. He was one of the true bright spots from our time at that church. We have fond memories of he and his wife. Apparently he had only recently been diagnosed with cancer, and it progressed quickly.

BILL...
While relaxing at the lake, we discovered on Facebook that another old friend had died from complications following heart surgery. I had recently heard from him on Facebook, but it had been years since we'd talked or seen one another. However, he was very instrumental in mentoring me/us when I was in seminary and beyond. Bill was our denominations 'church planting guy.' He arrived during my time at seminary and right away included us in the core group of a church planting venture. I actually led worship the first few Sundays.

I attended seminary with the intention of planting a church, and he spent a lot of time with me and probably had an influence much greater than I ever realized. When I was asked to resign from my pastoral position some 15 years after we first met, he was one of the first people to contact me and offer encouragement afterward. He was a no-nonsense guy that you knew was going to be honest with you and you could be honest with him. The world needs more people like that.

FIRE...
Of course, all these things were stirred into the upheaval taking place across the USA right now. There are literally riots in the streets of most major (and minor) cities across the country. What started out as peaceful protests to just the latest case of police brutality against a person of color has spilled into national outrage. First a police station in Minneapolis was set ablaze, and now even the sleepy streets of a place like Fort Wayne, Indiana are engulfed in tear gas, broken glass, and mayhem.

The first night of violence in Fort Wayne caught me by surprise. I think it did everyone. Although I'm also somewhat surprised it took this long. Tensions are so extremely high - what with the virus, elevated unemployment, educational and workplace uncertainty, and a president who does nothing but stoke the fires of hatred, division, and incivility. I have been anticipating the fuse igniting something for months.

It's hard to see an end in sight here, and I'm not sure that isn't what needs to happen. I have feared another civil war in this country since before the last election. I totally believe the rumors that much of the violence is part of a planned agenda by extremist groups on at least the right, if not also the left, as well as foreign interests. However, it may also be... we cannot go on as we have been! We simply cannot sweep another act of injustice under the rug. We cannot continue to look the other way. Perhaps some have reached the point where they cannot LIVE WITH THEMSELVES any longer without being willing to die for their beliefs.

Personally, it's tempting to cave to fear. To think this is 'someone else's' problem or 'someone else's' fight. Which is probably why we are where we are. When we watched the news the other night (yes, we actually watched the news... that's how bad things are), and we saw the camera crew show the police in riot gear pushing people down the street where we both work, and then the view of my actual building came into focus... I realized I was now involved. This has come home for me.

Windows were broken in our building and the Y where our daughter works received more extensive damage, as well as many other places downtown. It took place again yesterday and there is now an 8 pm downtown curfew or you will be arrested. I expect it to continue today, and for who knows how long.

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Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts and emotions going on. Words are difficult, maybe not even helpful at this point. It seems a lot is changing, but it also seems a lot of people are losing sight of what really needs to change! Already the narrative has moved from the injustice being done to minorities and the poor, to the reactionary violence. I fear we are missing the point.

Everyone wants peaceful protests... except when they are peaceful. It's like the battered spouse or child who is beaten and beaten and beaten down... no one wants to interfere, or intervene... and one day they SNAP. How much were they supposed to take? How long were they expected to suffer and cry in silence? Where does their help come from???

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Speaking of prayer... (I know). A friend wrote something on a post I'd written the other day. I couldn't find words and they said, "It's okay to be silent, just pray." That has bothered me ever since.

Since when was prayer enough for Jesus? Yes, Jesus prayed, but he then TOOK ACTION! Carrying ones cross cannot be done passively. It might possibly be done subversively, but I do not know how it can be done without serious INTENTION.

And if prayer is tuning in to God... listening to God... what do you think is supposed to happen when we HEAR FROM GOD?! Or... do we really expect to hear from God? Heck, do we ever listen in the first place? Not if prayer is merely asking God to deliver conveniences for us.

Even the mere fact of Jesus' life on earth could be seen as ACTION on the part of God. "Here, you don't understand what I've been doing all along... HERE I AM in your midst, to SHOW YOU how to live!" That's how I understand Jesus! He was and is an in-your-face FOLLOW ME... and learn what living is really meant to be.

Follow me... through the fields, in the streets, in government, work, play, casual conversations and serious... to the farthest corners of the earth. Follow me... and turn this world upside down... so it will be 'on earth as it is in heaven'...

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Well, that's a lot of words. Maybe mere words, maybe THE Word sneaking in. There's a lot of emotion stirring in my soul right now. This was a long ramble trying to sort out days worth of ideas streaming through my boiling blood. There may be more days like this. And I'm not sure it's a bad thing. I don't know...