Traumatic aversion

I have a strong dislike of traumatic events. And... you're probably thinking, "Well, duh, who doesn't?!" I know, I know. I think I've lost my ability to deal with them very well though.

The other day at work a lady came in in a total state of panicked, sobbing, wailing, out-of-control hysteria. Fortunately she rushed past me and soon had several people holding her up and offering assistance. It turns out her boyfriend was in the physical therapy office, and while she waited for him in the car out front she received a phone call that her son had been found dead. There were a few other significant factors contributing to the turmoil (like the baby she'd left in the car, for one). It was a big chaotic for what seemed like way longer than it probably was.

So, where was I when all this occurred? I was out of the way! I stayed behind my desk, I cleaned disinfectant bottles, I folded towels, I hid around the corner... anything I could do to avoid the situation. As I said, fortunately there were plenty of other people around to offer her aid. But I wondered what would have happened if it had been up to me??

I am not one to be depended on. Oh, sure, I can show up for work on time, do mundane rituals that don't matter. I'm not really one of those "go to" people though. And I don't know if I ever was, or if I've developed this aversion over time.

I think back just to my pastor-ing days. Three weeks in and I had my first funeral - for a 13-year-old killed in an ultralight plane crash. I didn't know the parents, and barely knew some relatives who right away came and got me. A couple of them let me know later how poorly they thought I handled the situation.

Of course, there were other events... Teen pregnancies, another teen shot and killed, child abuse, sex offenders, couples dealing with infidelity, murder, children born with life-threatening issues, not to mention just the normal life and death stuff that happens. In my mind, one of my greatest failures was during the last days of the one person most responsible for hiring me in the first place. He died a cruel death and I simply could not bring myself to be there. I mean, I was there, as in being present, but I wasn't THERE for him. I couldn't take it.

Plenty of teachers and mentors tried to tell me not to get too invested in the lives of the people in the church. I couldn't do it though. I didn't believe it was right or fair. I'm not sure what I would do if I had it to do over again.

Anyway, I think about all that... And about the - I don't know if I had an actual nervous breakdown or a near-nervous breakdown - whatever it was, I guess I'm not over it.

I am a weak person emotionally. I can't take a lot. I'd like to think I could do way more than I think I'm capable, but then again, maybe not. I am honestly afraid of finding myself back where I was... then. I don't want to go there.

Some people think I'm just being a wuss. Maybe. I read a thing this morning on why Don Trump appeals to some of the people who are his most ardent supporters. It's because they see him as strong and liberals as weak. Perhaps this is why I have such a dislike for him, and them.

Anyway, I guess this is more a journal entry than anything, because I have no answers. I'm simply trying to find my way to The Answer. Hoping there is One who holds it all together.

And, please, don't be concerned. I am fine. I just witnessed someone suffering trauma this week, and am thinking things through. That's what I do. I guess.

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2 Corinthians 12:8-9
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.