Contemplative being

I finished reading Thomas Merton's 'Contemplative Prayer' awhile back, but it hasn't stopped reading me. In fact, I continue using it for my daily written journaling - doting over some of the back-of-book details.

Reading it sparked a number of thoughts for me, and extinguished some as well.

One thing I noticed... I spend a great deal of time trying to BECOME, more than simply being. It's like I'm not content with who I am, and always feel this need to be something/someone else. I want to be a runner, or a writer, or a pastor, or... whatever (I'm sure you're already aware of this). Does it matter?

Reading Merton alerted me to this darkness. Why is being a child of God not enough? Why is being me so dreadful?

Christian "news" has lately been filled with further revelations regarding Ravi Zacharias's moral failure. I was never much into him or his books. Of course this followed all the news about Carl Lentz and the Hillsong scandal(s). Which followed Ortberg, and Hybels, and Vanier, and Yoder, and so on and so forth...

Lots of discussion over which (or who's) sins are worse.

I don't know. I've never owned a massage parlor, or slept around, or been in somebody else's spotlight... but I've plenty of reasons for remorse.

So, does God still love me, or not? Did Jesus still wash Judas's feet? Can I ever become acceptable? Unacceptable?? Or... is this story even about me/us at all!?!

Could it be that THAT is our biggest sin? You know, was the parable of the Prodigal really about the Prodigal... or about the Father? Maybe it has nothing to do with us. And we're completely missing the point. Not that there is no place for accountability, but what are we really trying to account for?

This morning my mind was drawn to a truth Donald Miller floored me with so so many years ago when I stumbled onto his book 'Blue Like Jazz.' I only picked it up at the bookstore because I liked the title and the cover (was that like 2006 or so), and it seemed to completely transform my thinking about God and life and... me! This line in particular...

"I can't explain how freeing that was, to realize that if I met Jesus, He would like me." (p. 47)

Imagine that...

I've no idea how to reconcile the need for repentance with the amazing love of God. Certainly we can't earn it or achieve it; I don't think it's someone we can become ("he/she has finally become loved by God)". As Merton has written - in better words than mine - everything about us has to disappear... even our wants and desires, as noble as they may be. If they're ours, they're still misplaced.

This little light of mine is not mine; I am Its. I AM is the one that matters here, there, and everywhere.

***

“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ - Luke 18:13

**Pharisee and Publican Painting by Mammen Ninan