We went to church on sunday

Yesterday was our first time attending a church service in well over a year. It's been two years (this week) since we'd been to this particular church. It was the last Sunday for this pastor and we felt like we should go and support him. Just one more of the growing number who decided to leave this type of ministry. Today he started work as a full-time hospital chaplain.

There were so many emotions for me/us. I was near tears (or in tears) pretty much the entire time we were there. I was afraid to talk to anyone for fear I'd just break down and cry. Despite our differences he was a good friend and I care a great deal for him, plus just relating to the struggles of pastoral ministry.

We've been intending to venture to a Sunday service for several weeks, if not months. Once you get out of the habit, it's pretty easy to not go back though. Just the thought of trying to find a new church is such a drag.

We've also been torn about this one. We used to love it so much, and want to love it still. It checks so many boxes. Yet it didn't take us long sitting in our seats to be reminded how incredibly frustrating some people can be... and now they're without a pastor...

Anyway, some of the things I was thinking yesterday:

• I was happy for Brian (the pastor) for being able to leave in a good way; I was also sad that it had become somewhat necessary.
• I was hopeful for the church as they shared a new strategy for reaching out to people within walking distance of the church; I was also fearful that it will leave many of these people disappointed because I've seen/heard this kind of thing before.
• I was reminded how much I liked Brian's preaching and how much I'd learned about grace and gentle patience from him over the years; yet I was also reminded how completely different we are and that sometimes as much as we need different it's not always possible to coexist. 
  
• I was thankful that Brian was able to have a chance to speak of his love for the people and give a tear-filled and heartfelt goodbye message after 8+ years of ministry; which then left me feeling sapped by the realization I never had that opportunity after 14 years of ministry in the one church I served (no final sermon, no final lunch, no good-byes, no nothing).
• ........

I do have to admit, while sitting during the service I was also struck by a couple things that have nothing to do with this particular pastor or church: 

1. I really dislike "performance worship." I think that's a pet peeve I'd had for awhile at this church (and others). Not that I don't like to listen to a good "worship" band. However, I miss being able to sing. Not "lead" singing, but just sing along. 
2. As is often the case, while listening to the sermon, thoughts popped into my head about the possibility of doing so again sometime myself. It always works out better in my mind than reality though.
3. I suppose I'm weird in that I really like large church gatherings with great music, teaching, and whatnot; but I think what I miss the most is a small gathering, singing old hymns (maybe not with an organ), and simple scripture readings and prayers. I suppose I would be most enticed by the notion of a small congregation with 15-30 people who just needed someone to lead a simple Sunday service without much expectation of excellence. But it doesn't take long for me to snap out of it. I guess.

<Sigh>. Thoughts like this leave me sad. It's a sad week in general. Another friend is leaving pastoral ministry; we're still without a church; my boss is leaving this week and there are so many unknowns as to what will happen; my wife's work is in a bit of turmoil as well; and it seems like summer is on the verge of screeching to a halt. So, I dunno....

Sorry there isn't anything helpful to write today. I don't think it makes sense even to me. But... it felt like I should write something. There ya have it. [Written early this morning]

***

 Ecclesiastes 1:18

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief."