Dread

What are you most afraid of? You know, that fear you experience in the pit of your stomach...

Søren Kierkegaard refers to this as dread. And he had a lot to say about it in a short little book 'The Concept of Dread' (which he wrote in 1844 under the pseudonym Vigilius Haufniensis, or "Watcher of the Marketplace"). 

I actually read about all this in Donald D. Palmer's introduction to the Danish philosopher, 'Kierkegaard for Beginners.' I've had this book for eons and tried reading it a few times. I was never able to get over the format. It's literally written in comic book style. Like, what?? Anyway, I picked it up the other day and was finally able to ingest a bit.

But this dreaded concept of dread... What's up with that?

I actually think I understand what ol' Søren was talking about (maybe. a little). In a nutshell, dread is a fear of freedom.

"However deep the individual has sunk, he may sink still deeper, and this may is the object of dread."

Or, to quote from Palmer's book:

"That is, dread is the desire for what one fears and the fear of what one desires. Once Adam knows he can disobey God, he desires to do so, and he dreads his own desire, because he knows that as a free being there is nothing but himself to stop him from sinning."

You know how I'm always saying (or at least thinking) "I don't trust myself"? I think this is it! I am sometimes prone to poor judgment, doing dumb things, saying stupid stuff I regret later... and I never seem to know when it's going to happen. Then later it's like, "How could I be such an idiot?!?" So, I live in dread of not only what I'm capable of, but also not knowing when or how bad it will be.

I am still no Kierkegaard scholar, and can't even say this book is all that good. Yet I clicked with this concept of dread. I will likely be reminded of it often in the future... as I continue to stumble through life.

***

Romans 7:15-19

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing."