Halloween heaviness

Whew! I feel like I can breathe again.

The last week or so have been a struggle. I'm sure part of it was the never-ending kitchen remodel and not knowing who was going to be at our house every day when I got home. Part of it was also another round of changes at work and dealing with a new boss who, while I like him, is very different than me. I've also not felt great while sniffling and sneezing this cold/allergy thing away.

It dawned on me the other day though that I have this heaviness every year around this time. Even though I've finally made peace with the 'trick or treat'/kids-getting-candy aspect of halloween, it still haunts me for some reason.

I admit, I simply don't understand the fascination with witches, ghosts and ghouls, or the popularity of the "holiday" itself with adults. Yet that's not all it is for me. I'm sure the years we were immersed in demonic spiritual warfare doesn't help. But I'd say it goes back even further. It's like it's something inside me, and I feel like I've always had it. It's unsettling to my soul.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme. The world does not stop because Dan has issues with halloween. And I don't really even care all that much anymore. But it's still a dark time of year for me. Every year. So I had to remind myself of that, acknowledge it, and set about to not do anything too drastic.... knowing the feeling would soon pass.

Sometimes that's the best we can do, right?

Today is also my dad's birthday. I remember I once said I hated him (maybe more than once). I've always regretted that, because I didn't hate him. In many ways I admired him. I'd say it's more that I resented how things were. I hated that he was the high school principal. I hated that he was never interested in things I was interested in. I hated that he never seemed to have time for me. I hated that we were 'different.'

I suppose I'm like a lot of other people in that way. I just always wished I could have grown up more "normal" - rather than having to carry the weight of being the "principal's son." But we probably all wish things were different, in some way.

I am okay. It's amazing how many times I've said that to myself since writing the previous post. It's been a lot.... and I think it's helped. Funny how sometimes it's the smallest things that can have the biggest impact. Hmm.

***