Either way I'm wrong

I honestly never expected to live past 28 years old. I mean, why would I? Why would I want to get "old"? 

I don't remember thinking about age growing up, but I must confess, at some point in my twenties I began to lose respect for older people. I just didn't think they were... aware. 

Nowadays I work with people mostly in their twenties and thirties and I think... these young people don't have a clue! 

So, was I wrong about old people... or young people?

Maybe the problem is that I simply don't respect... anyone!

I don't want to be like that. Yet, when I consider how no one wants to talk to me, and how people seem to walk on eggshells around me, and how I am so severely super sensitive and moody... maybe I'm just an asshole. An arrogant prick!

Ugh. I know I'm not nice. I never really have been. But I don't want to be like this.

Yesterday I was reading an excerpt from Richard Foster's new book 'Learning Humility' (which comes out this week, btw), and he quotes Andrew Murray, "Humility is a person's simple consent to let God be everything -- a surrender to his purposes. In Jesus we will see the perfect example of humility."

Later he quotes him again:

"No arguments can convince pride away. No appreciation of humility can create it where it doesn't exist. No resolve is sincere enough to change a person's heart. When Satan casts out Satan, it is only to enter again in a stronger but more hidden power! Nothing can make a lasting difference, unless a new heart with Christlike humility takes the place of the old."

That's how I want to be. Yet it befuddles me that after all these years, after all the reading I've done, all the things I've been taught... I still don't know the way.

So I ordered Foster's book, and also one by Trevor Hudson, 'Seeking God.' 

Maybe one of these days I will get it right. I dunno...