Are we better?

Maybe it's a bit much to say "we." Are YOU better? You know, better than... before the pandemic? 

I can't remember now what reminded me of the beginning stages of the hoopla. Sure, there was fear of the unknown, but I think I actually felt a bit energized early on. Almost hopeful. The best part of me thought this might be exactly what the world needs to get ourselves... together.

Maybe it was because I wasn't working, and I could sleep later and do things I liked (reading, writing, running).

Maybe it was because it felt like for once everyone was just as out of sorts as me.

Maybe it felt like a bit of an opportunity, even. Like, "Hey, I have experience working in complete chaos (even if it's my own mind)!"

Yet, at some point the wheels kind of fell off. I don't even know when, or why, or how. It's all a bit of a blur now.

Yesterday I scribbled on a piece of paper, "I have to write before the caffeine kicks in." I'm not really sure what I was thinking or why I wrote it. It seemed like a thing at the time.

Of course, today I can't seem to wake up. There's a heaviness in my forehead. It's like when you raise your eyebrows and get crinkly lines. But there are no lines, and my brows are low.

I tried reading some prose and sonnets and such this morning. I was simply not into it, so I skipped ahead to an essay about a Jewish gathering in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

Sometimes I will force myself to read things I'm not into, thinking it's good for my pace, and maybe by some weird twist of fate I will find a nugget left there that was 'meant to be.' But it wasn't happening this morning. And if it was supposed to, well, I guess it will have to wait for some other pandemic.

So, here we are. This was sort of an exercise. Also sort of just killing time. Not unlike life itself...