I "preached" a sermon in a church

Well, it finally happened. I agreed to give the message at a church gathering again. I used quotation marks around "preach" because it wasn't really preaching as I think of old school preaching. At our present church (Canvas Community) we tend to think of it more as "painting a picture," or "sharing your heart," or simply offering something you think will be worthwhile for others to hear in their faith journey. So, I did that.

To be fair, it really was a "sermon" as far as I'm concerned (and probably most everyone else there). It's just that most people who are part of our church don't think of "church" or "the Sunday service" or anything like that the same way most church folk might. There's a levity to how things are done, though of a serious nature.

So, I spoke on what it's like to stumble and fall (using DC Talk's 'What If I Stumble' as the title). I directed us to Judas and Peter and their betrayal of Jesus story, and then Jesus's restoration of Peter to ministry. I sited Matthew 27, Mark 14 & 16, and John 20 & 21, including N.T. Wright's analysis of John 21:15-19 in my old copy of John for Everyone, Part 2. I shared this piece from Wright: 

Here is the secret of all Christian ministry, yours and mine, lay and ordained, full-time or part-time. It’s the secret of everything from being a quiet, back-row member to being a platform speaker. If you are going to do any single solitary thing as a follower and servant of Jesus, this is what it’s built on. Somewhere, deep down inside, there is a love for Jesus, and though you think you’ve let him down plenty, he wants you to find that love, to give you a chance to express it, to heal the hurts and failures of the past, and give you new work to do.

These are not things for you to do to ‘earn’ forgiveness. Nothing can ever do that. It is grace from start to finish. They are things to do out of the joy and relief that you already ARE forgiven…

 I also used this quote from Rich Villodas:

This is the Story of scripture in four phrases, repeated throughout its pages:

-         I love you

-         I am with you

-         Don’t be afraid

-         You can come home

I closed by continuing Jesus's riff to Peter asking him, "Do you love me?" by including the exercise I do with this meditation CD and how it's sometimes difficult for me to accept Jesus' love, but if I can let my guard down enough (by hearing him say he loves me), hopefully I can come to a place where I can say, "I love you too" to Jesus too.

Anyway, it is supposed to be included in the message library on the website at some point. I doubt that I will ever watch it (though I know I should). I just can't stand my voice or to see how silly I look.

All in all, I guess it went okay. It took me eleven drafts (which Jane read most of), ended up about 10 double-spaced pages of size 14 font, and was hopefully around ~30 minutes long.

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I've been asked to speak plenty since leaving full-time ministry 10 1/2 years ago. I did speak at our "home" church in Illinois once - maybe seven years ago or so. It went so horribly that I didn't really think I would ever do it again.

This place is different though. I really like the pastor. Not that he's perfect, and we're not very much alike, but he has such a good soul. He's a combination of naive, overly authentic, and positive, but also deeply contemplative and artistic. The gatherings also remind me of the church we helped launch while in Ohio.

I've probably had this message idea gnawing at me for a number of years. I am fascinated by the scene of both Judas and Peter's betrayals of Jesus, and more so by his response. They're such a beautiful picture of God's love for us not BECAUSE of what we do or who we are, but in spite of it. If God IS love, then he can't do anything else regardless of who we are or what we do.

Oddly enough, I've started re-reading James Bryan Smith's 'An Arrow Pointing to Heaven' about the life of Rich Mullins, and while I drew on it quite a bit, I ended up not even using any quotes from it (I just realized that). It is such a good book, and I'm glad I have started reading it again.

As far as how I felt... I was plenty nervous, and my hands shook through the entire message. However I was much calmer than I anticipated. It just felt "right" in this time and place. I shared a lot of what I consider fairly intimate details about my own struggles, and it was almost freeing in some ways.

Of course I've had moments of "I can't believe I shared that" already since then, but I'm trying to resist listening to those thoughts. It is what it is, and it feels very Rich Mullin-ish to have done so. So overall I don't have any regrets about that.

Naturally, as with almost every message I've ever shared in a church, there was so much more I wish I could have included. I'd forgotten how cutting things out is much more difficult than finding things to say.

So, I guess I did it. It seems a bit surreal still and hasn't really sunk in. We'll see if I'm ever asked to speak again, and how I react from here on out. But I feel like it's put me in a fairly good place right now. I think reading the book about RM has a lot to do with that. We'll see...