Five things friday (sorrowful hoping)

My heart was breaking as I went to bed last night.

Sorry, I'm not quite sure what to write after that. I'm okay, and I know she'll be okay too, but when I see people suffer - particularly those I love - it consumes me for a bit. 

What's even worse is when, during their suffering, I am a complete and total idiot. I feel shame for momentarily forgetting that a middle school girls basketball game is not the end of the world. And I love my granddaughter (and the boys) a whole stinkin' lot and will continue loving them with all my heart regardless of anything they ever do...

So, today's 'five things' is going to be different. These are some songs I've been listening to this morning. I hope you're okay with that. Feel free to click the links and give a listen too.

1. Lord Remind Me, by Jon & Valerie Guerra is a good reminder for this time of year, and always. After seeing them perform at our church I have found Jon's music in particular to be so meaningful.
2. Every time I hear Johnny Cash singing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face it takes me to special places. I used to play it at church and try to imagine what it's like after people die - the first time they see God face to face; and I will always remember the first time ever I saw little Anna's face... (the original from Roberta Flack needs a link too... So good).
3. John Moreland's You Don't Care For Me Enough To Cry is a great reminder that I do care enough to cry... About some things anyway...
4. There are so many songs I could include from Andy Squyres, and I don't know what it is about this one... I don't know... but I like What Nobody Should Know.
5. I've watched this clip of Nick CAVE and the Bad Seeds doing their song Joy and, again, I can't exactly put my finger on how it makes me feel, but it does...

Well, since we've gone in a different direction today anyway... here's a couple more I just couldn't leave off...

• Give Me Jesus was always one of my favorite songs to sing in church. I always thought Jane played this exceptionally well. It still brings me to tears. I think the first time we heard it was at a marriage retreat umpteen years ago, which was also the first time we'd seen/heard Fernando Ortega, and his original is still so meaningful.
• Lastly, I am late to the Jon Batiste party, but this old rendition of him doing What A Wonderful Life (including the video) is . . . simply beautiful. If you don't watch/listen to any of the others, give this one a spin. I think you'll be glad you did.

If you don't hear from me again before Christmas (I don't know now if you will or not - could be a busy week)... I hope you have a joyous, deep, and heartfelt time this holiday season. Thanks for reading here. Really. You have no idea how much it means to me. And, as a favor, maybe tell someone you love them this week.

Peace, my friends (out and in).

Kardia mobile

I got one of those Kardia Mobile devices last Friday (12.13.24) and took my first home EKG. It said I had a "Normal Sinus Rhythm". Yay!

My Electrophysiologist suggested I get one, and if I have any odd readings I am to text him the results.

It's actually pretty slick, and super easy to set up and operate. I got the basic unit for $69 (Holiday special), and it's no bigger than a pack of gum. Once I downloaded the Kardia App on my phone and created an account I had an EKG in 30 seconds. To send it to my doctor I merely save it as a pdf from the app and send him the link in a text. Easy as pie!

There are different types of devices you can get, as well as subscription plans that do all sorts of things. My doctor said the basic model with no subscription was sufficient for me. 

So, there ya go... Next time I see that commercial asking if I know my heart health, I can say, "Yes. As a matter of fact, I do!" 

Brand spanking new fridge

We finally bit the bullet and bought a new refrigerator. We bought it last Monday (12/9) and it was delivered yesterday (12/16).

Our old refrigerator puked out in 2021 and it's off-and-on made a nasty noise ever since having it repaired. I've basically been waiting on it to die ever since. A couple weeks ago it was sounding really bad, so we decided we may as well just get one now while we can. And... wouldn't you know... as soon as we ordered the new one the old fridge has worked and sounded fine! So we will keep it in the garage as a second in case we need it someday.

We went to Stucky's Furniture and Appliances and pretty much just picked out the only one in white with the freezer on the bottom, which just happened to be the same size as the old one. Apparently there aren't a lot in white anymore - everything is going stainless - but we're kind of old fashioned like that (I guess). I didn't really care if we got a top or bottom freezer, but Jane prefers it like this.

So, we got a white Whirlpool 22.1 Cubic Feet Refrigerator-Freezer with automatic defrost and ice maker (model #WRB322DMBW05). It is supposedly on sale for $1,499 ($500 off), and there was a $99 delivery/setup fee.

The two guys who delivered it felt they needed to take the doors and hinges off both units to get them in and out of the door to the garage. I'm not sure how necessary it was, but I was glad to not have to help.

And, as you would naturally guess, both the old and new fridge are purring away in their new homes.

Trail half marathon

Who wouldn't want to get up early Saturday morning, drive an hour from home in the pitch dark, and run around in the woods just as the sun is coming up? Oh, and it's 20°F!

Well, I realize not everyone. And probably not everyone should. But there were plenty of us who did, and lived to tell about it!

I ran the Ignite Trail Series Marathon/Half Marathon Saturday at Chain O' Lakes State Park in Northern Indiana. It was damp and frigid, dark until 10 minutes before the start, and I still had no idea what conditions I would be running in or where I really even was.

But it was a blast!

I finally received the Athlete's Guide the day before the race, and there were a few people I knew who were also running the half (including our pastor, and Jane's boss). It ended up being a well-marked beautiful course through hills and trees along lakes and wildlife, and I had no trouble reminding myself to smile and take it in throughout.

 

We left home just after 6:30am and headed north. I always forget how dark it gets in the country, especially on unfamiliar roads. There were more trump signs than stop signs on the hour trip, and finally we entered the park grounds and followed neon markings until we came to a parking lot beside a big white tent. There was the familiar sight of porta-potties lined up. The race place.

I got registered, pinned on my bib, and we sat in the car and tried to keep warm until it was time to go. Finally 8 o'clock arrived!

Perhaps the biggest hill is right at the start. I'd been told to walk up the hills and run down them. At first I was like, "Yeah, whatever." Before I was halfway up this first one I discovered the soundness of the advice. Woof!

After that, though, I was soon rolling along and through some of the most breathtaking scenery this state has to offer. These were some late night thoughts I posted (and then removed) from Facebook:

Man, I loved that half marathon trail run today. Temperature is just a matter of clothes. I loved running downhills like a child, and walking up hills full of wonder and awe at the beauty of our surroundings. At my age I care way less about my time than enjoying the surroundings. And it was grand. Slower seems to always be better. Remembering to smile…. I can’t remind myself of that enough.

Anyway, I finished in like 2 hours 25 minutes. Apparently I got third in my age group (who knew?!?). I know I did a couple miles at an over 12-minute pace, but I also got moving at a pretty good clip coming down hills under an 8-minute pace a few times. I also think the results page showed there were 80-some half marathoners and 60-some marathoners (who did two loops of the same course). And... while there were only two aid stations along the route (plus the start/finish line), wow did they have some nice food! Cheeseburgers, pulled pork, toasted cheese and peanut butter with bacon sandwiches, cheese cake, chips, soup, and who knows what all else! This Ignite Trail Series group seems to have quite the dedicated volunteers.

So, after all the anxiety beforehand, it was a pretty fun time and I hope to do this race again. I was -as always- glad to have the lovely Lady Jane waiting for me at the finish line to snap this pic. Once I found the guy who had the medals and downed a pulled pork sandwich, we headed back home where I showered, napped, and then we worked a concert that night. A good day!

Five things friday

Well, hey there! How's it going today? Every week I intend to post more often and... guess what? I don't. I don't know if it's the cold weather, my most recent Afib "episode," lack of sleep, anxiety (and the resulting tiredness from all that), or what, but I've been having trouble dragging my butt off the couch and walking all the way across the room to the computer. Anyway, here's five things on my mind:

1. One reason for my current unsettledness is the Half Marathon Trail Run I'm doing tomorrow. I'm not at all worried about running the 13.1 miles, but it's in a state park I'm not familiar with and not only is there a threat of rain, snow and cold, but there has been a serious lack of information about the event! I finally saw a random Facebook post and realized I was not sent the email with the 'Athlete's Guide' that includes everything I need to know. Fortunately someone posted it, and that helps, but I'm still a little nervous about getting lost in the middle of a forest and freezing to death (even more so than whether I have the proper footwear, nutrition, clothing, etc.). So if this is my last post on here...
2. Going in a little different direction... Something I've been pondering lately is the prospect of a series of posts I may call "Offerings" (or some such thing). Things I wish I'd told my kids, or that I'd like to tell them (and/or my grandkids). Just some general life experience stuff like keeping your tires properly inflated and such. The thing that has really been burning in my brain lately is this: "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" (Proverbs 4:23). It's so easy to become cynical. Believe me, I know (and I know you know!).  I've been trying to work on it, because I really think it's important. Especially nowadays. 
3. The folks at Gravity Commons shared some interesting links this week, including these Post-Election Commitments that I like. There's also this bit from Stephen Waldron, who recently met with a variety of researchers, organizational leaders, and activists who are concerned about how democracy is relating to religion in the US today. Two main concerns they note are the serious problem we have with social disconnection, and the divide in our society in the educational attainment gap (points 4 & 5). It's a disturbing read and not all that long if you care to take a gander.
4. As for books I am reading... I have started 'The Narrow Path: How the Subversive Way of Jesus Satisfies Our Souls,' from Rich Villodas. I'm not too far into it yet, but I intended to write the other day on his differentiation between peacekeeping and peacemaking. Maybe one day next week...
5. "There is too much bad news to justify complacency. There is too much good news to justify despair." (Scientist Donella Meadows on being proactive, yet positive)

If there were to be a bonus thing today, it would be my agreement with Sir Elton John that legalization of marijuana is not a good idea. But, you know, bad ideas seem to be popular nowadays. So, keep the faith, my friends!

EP doctor visit

Is it a good thing or bad thing that your heart doctor writes down his cell number and gives it to you?

I don't know, but it happened today at my scheduled 6-month check-up with my electrophysiologist (a cardiologist who specializes in diagnosing and treating heart rhythm issues). 

Normally I've seen an intern on these visits. This was my first with the actual guy who did my cardioversion and ablation. Dr. Rodriguez is a super nice guy, who seems quite normal and jokes around and everything. The first thing he asked when he came in the room was, "So how was the marathon?" Ha! He must take good notes.

Anyway, I reported that, according to my "Afib Journal," I've had another 'episode' about every 1-2 months since the ablation. The most recent was actually this past weekend - which lasted for 17 hours. Previous episodes had only lasted from one hour to overnight. I've come out of all of them on my own (Including this last one, which happened during a contemplation/meditation exercise at church on Sunday - it was kind of cool!). 

So, after chatting a bit, he recommended I either wear a monitor or get a Kardia Mobile device, and let him see actual heart readings when I think I'm having an Afib episode. He said it may or may not be actual Afib, and he won't know until he's seen what's happening himself. So I ordered the basic Kardia Mobile for $69, and he said I could just text him my readings with my name and DOB the next time my heart rate gets weird.

Otherwise he said when I'm having one of these, as long as I'm not short of breath or having some other issue, I can usually just wait it out. He said as long as I've shown I can convert on my own eventually there's really no reason for a cardioversion or ER visit.

Unless he notices something in any scans I send him (assuming I have anymore episodes), he scheduled me for another 6-month follow-up.

It's nice to feel better leaving a doctors office than when I arrive. :)

(My weight was 160; BP 142/88 -though I've been running 120/mid-70s at home lately)

FIve things friday

Here we are again, my friend. Friday has awakened us, and may it be to something wonderful today.

1. It seems there is always something to do, doesn't it? I keep a notepad (or scraps of paper scattered around) of things I need to do. Some things keep reminding me I've yet to do them, and there are always more added to the list. Yesterday I did get the windows covered with plastic on the inside (the ones I intended to do). And there will be parties this month! Yet, all that said, my mind seems headed in another direction...
2. This week I happened onto a free pdf copy of Philip D. Kennesen's 28-page 'Practicing Ecclesial Patience: Patient Practice Makes Perfect', thanks to Chris Smith and the good people at the Ekklesia Project. You can download it as well by clicking on the title above. It's from a talk on the idea of "slow church," and he outlines Three Practices or Dimensions of Presence: Abiding, Devotion, and Attention. This was a really good read. One of those where I got done and simply sat there for awhile... feeling full and good and whole. Such a needed message for this time of year. In fact, if I'm ever asked to speak at church again, I might just use this as the basis.
3. I also ran across this post on 'The Enclosure of the Human Psyche,' on further dangers of Big Tech and the serious threat it is posing to humankind. What's at stake? Our ability to think. How do we fight back? Learning to embrace silence. The author quotes both Illich and Matthew Crawford respectively: "...silence is necessary for the emergence of persons;" and "...just as clean air makes it possible to breathe, silence makes it possible to think." The article is on the edge of my limits of understanding, but I think I got the gist, and it made me feel not so crazy.
4. Speaking of my hatred for the current strain of American Capitalism (Is djt Reagan on steroids? I don't dislike him from a mere political standpoint, but for the sake of humanity!)... There's this piece 'The Great Grocery Squeeze,' and how a federal policy change in the 1980's created the modern food desert. You want to know why big box stores have taken over and mom and pop places can no longer make it? Because we stopped enforcing the Robinson-Patman Act. It is apparently against the law to sell to big companies at lower prices than smaller ones, but it's not enforced. Thus, we no longer live in the "land of opportunity" (for all). This connects with #3 above. Don't look for it to get better under the new administration.
5. "In a world that demands increased productivity at every turn, few things seem less productive than abiding with these same scriptures, these same stories, week after week, year after year, especially when it's nearly impossible to tell if they are having any effect at all." - Philip D. Kennesen (this is, of course, talking about the Christian gospel message, and the importance of being part of a church community - taken from the pdf in #2).

Just to be clear, I'm really not as freaked out about the world and the results of the last election as you may think. In fact, it seems to be giving me some direction. Not that I think everything will "work out." Oh, sure, in the end... It's the getting there that bothers me. It's what life will be like for my grandkids (and yours) that keeps me going. So, I'll keep reading, keep meditating, keep thinking... and I'll try to keep you informed. You know, because I gotta tell somebody. ;) 

Have a nice weekend!

The ruthless elimination of hurry (book)

I finished John Mark Comer's The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry: How to Stay Emotionally Healthy and Spiritually Alive in the Chaos of the Modern World the other day. It was a good read, though maybe a tad bit of a stretch on the title tag-line. Still, this is the stuff my life has been about for awhile now. There is a lot of good information, and not just a few quotables. Here is some of what I underlined and want to remember from the book...

(4) "Why am I in such a rush to become somebody I don't even like?  It hits me like a freight train: in America you can be a success as a pastor and a failure as an apprentice to Jesus; you can gain a church and lose your soul.  I don't want this to be my life..."

(6) "What if I changed my life?"

(23) In his book 'Three Mile an Hour God,' the late Japanese theologian Kosuke Koyama put this language around it: "God walks 'slowly' because he is love. If he is not love he would have gone much faster. Love has a speed. It is an inner speed. It is a spiritual speed. It is a different kind of speed from the technological speed to which we are accustomed. It is 'slow' yet it is lord over all other speeds since it is the speed of love."

(31) "...before Edison (invented the light bulb in 1879) the average person slept eleven hours a night."

(35) This whole section "When the history books are written, they will point to '07 as an inflection point on par with 1440.  And, 1440, of course, was the year Johannes Gutenberg invented the printing press, which set the stage for the Protestant Reformation and the Enlightenment, which together transformed Europe and the world.  And 2007? Drumroll . . . The year Steve Jobs released the iPhone into the wild.  Note: it was also a few months after Facebook opened up to anybody with an email address, the year a microblogging app called Twitter became its own platform, year one of the cloud, along with the App Store, the year Intel switched from silicon to metal chips to keep Moore's law on a roll, and a list of other technological breakthroughs - all right around 2007, the official start date of the digital age."

(37) "...slot machines make more money than the film industry and baseball combined, even though they take only a quarter at a time. Because the slot machine is addictive..."

(39) "Reminder: Your phone doesn't actually work for you. You pay for it, yes. But it works for a multibillion-dollar corporation in California, not for you. You're the customer; you're the product. It's your attention that's for sale, along with your peace of mind. . . . "Never get high on your own supply." . . . "continuous partial attention" is our new normal (Microsoft researcher Linda Stone).

(46) Great story about some African jungle tribesmen who refused to leave too soon because "They are waiting 'for their souls to catch up with their bodies.'" (see whole section)

(47) "...hurry is a form of violence on the soul."

(48-51) Ten Symptoms of Hurry Sickness

(69) Peter Scazzero's line: "We find God's will for our lives in our limitations."

(70) "'No' is a complete sentence." (Anne Lamott)

(71) "...the average guy spends ten thousand hours playing video games by age twenty-one."

(76) "A yoke was a common idiom in the first century for a rabbi's way of reading the Torah. But it was also more: it was his set of teachings on how to be human. His way to shoulder the (at times crippling) weight of life - marriage, divorce, prayer, money, sex, conflict resolution, government - all of it."

(77) What the New Testament writers call 'salvation.' Keep in mind, the Greek word that we translate 'salvation' is soteria; it's the same word we translate 'healing.' When you're reading the New Testament and you read that somebody was 'healed' by Jesus and then you read somebody else was 'saved' by Jesus, you're reading the same Greek word. Salvation IS healing."

(82) "If you want to experience the life of Jesus, you have to adopt the lifestyle of Jesus."

(94) Stephen Covey (of 7 Habits fame) said that we achieve inner peace when our schedule is aligned with our values."

(125) **** "The wilderness (for Jesus, in Matt. 3) isn't the place of weakness; it's the place of strength." **** (and below...)

(126) **** "Notice, Jesus came out of the wilderness with all sorts of clarity about his identity and calling. He was grounded. Centered. In touch with God and himself. From that place of emotional equilibrium and spiritual succor, he knew precisely what to say yes to and, just as importantly, what to say no to."

(132) John Climacus - "The friend of silence draws near to God."

(135) Henri Nouwen - "Without solitude it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life..."

(140-141) "...mindfulness is simply silence and solitude for a secular society. It's the same thing, just missing the best part - Jesus. (see paragraph following this) . . . (from Andrew Sullivan) "If the churches came to understand that the greatest threat to faith today is not hedonism but distraction, perhaps they might begin to appeal anew to a frazzled digital generation."

(170) Ronald Rolheiser - "True restfulness, though, is a form of awareness, a way of being in life. It is living ordinary life with a sense of ease, gratitude, appreciation, peace and prayer. We are restful when ordinary life is enough."

(184ff) *** "Advertising as we now know it started not on Madison Avenue but in another city: Berlin. With another group of power brokers: the Nazis. They took the ideas of an Austrian psychotherapist named Freud... and used them to manipulate the masses." . . . "After the war, it was actually Freud's nephew, Edward Bernays, who first used Freud's ideas in America. An intelligence officer during the war, he found himself in need of a job. His theory was that if the Nazis could manipulate people in wartime, then surely business owners and politicians could manipulate people in peacetime. He called his new idea 'public relations' and became the so-called 'Father of American advertising.'" [rest of section is needed here - and why I find Capitalism today so deviously evil...]

(186) "Things we categorize as 'needs' - a car, a telephone, a daily multivitamin, electricity, running water - didn't even exist until recently, and yet many people were quite happy without them."

(191) Instead of spending money to get time, we opted for the reverse: we spend time to get money."

(196) "a 'healthy' eye... had a double meaning: It meant that (1) you were focused and living with a high degree of intentionality in life, and (2) you were generous to the poor. When you looked at the world, you saw those in need and did your best to help out."

(200) Joshua Becker - minimalism writer

(204-213) His twelve (suggested) principles to eliminate hurry...

(214) "Remember: the question we should be constantly asking as followers of Jesus isn't actually, What Would Jesus Do? A more helpful question is, 'What Would Jesus Do If He Were Me?' If he had my gender, my career, my income, my relationship status? If he was born the same year as me? Lived in the same city as me? What would that look like?"

(223-244) 20 ideas on how to slow down...

(252) Edward Friedman - "non-anxious presence"

(253) Manifesto: "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life." (1 Thess. 4:11)

(254) "To live a quiet life in a world of noise is a flight, a war of attrition, a calm rebellion against the status quo."

(255) "You're not just fighting for a good life but for a good soul."

Thanksgiving in minnesota

We spent Thanksgiving week 2024 in Minneapolis with the kids and grandkids this year. It was a pretty swell time all packed into Isaac & Ricci's house on 31st Avenue. It was cold, we had a little snow, but there was plenty of food, snuggling with the dogs and new baby, and everyone lived to tell about it!

We drove up from Fort Wayne Tuesday, leaving around 8am (the Feipels drove separately a tad later). It's ~570 miles, and took us about 8 hrs, 45 minutes both going and returning. Mid-Tuesday morning was a nice time to get through Chicago, and once you're beyond that's it's a pretty easy-breezy trip. All interstate (or at least 4-lane) via Rt. 30, I-80/90, I-90, I-94, and then a couple blocks to the house. The bulk of miles are actually through Wisconsin (Janesville, Madison, Wis. Dells, Eau Claire), and I had no idea the Twin Cities are only like 25 miles inside the MN state line.

Once there we basically stuck around the house other than Wednesday night we all went to an NBA game between the Timberwolves and Sacramento Kings. That was pretty fun - especially for Caleb. We also did a group afternoon visit (Friday) to this awesome place called Can Can Wonderland (with a brewery attached next door). Otherwise there were visits to the park a couple blocks away (mostly for Caleb to play basketball), and walking or running along the Mississippi River 3 blocks the other way. Wednesday morning Drew and I ran the 2 1/2 miles past the University of Minnesota right downtown to U.S. Bank Stadium where the Vikings play. 

 

As for food, we did order pizza the first night, but beyond that Jane had made some soup and chili and we had a couple breakfast casseroles (other than the morning Carrie went and bought everyone donuts!). For the meal Thursday we had all the usual fixins: turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stovetop, green bean casserole, corn casserole, rolls, and canned cranberry, with pumpkin pie for dessert. We were well fed and naturally I ate too much.

The house has a really small (I mean REALLY small kitchen), so we weren't able to sit at the table to eat, but instead we all gathered in the living room with our Thanksgiving feast. It worked out fine. And beyond that we had plenty of room. They have a nice basement with a large bedroom and even bigger area that is usually Isaac's office but was converted into the kids' sleeping area, as well as a large full bathroom. Upstairs has 3 bedrooms and a full bath too. For a fairly small house, it really did hold us all comfortably.

We returned home Saturday morning in 5°F temps and had another uneventful trip - though adding that extra hour going from the Central time zone to Eastern is not as nice as losing it on the way there.

Personally, I had a very nice and relaxing time. It was good to have everyone together, so special to see the older grandkids holding the new one, I enjoyed the basketball game and a couple chilly runs along the Mississippi, and I do have to say, I enjoy holding little Wynn. He is so peaceful, yet had already changed so much from just a month ago. I'm sure that will be even more pronounced as he gets older.

So, until Christmas, it is back to normal around here. I had a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. 

Six things saturday

Yeah, yeah... I know. I did not get Friday's post written, and I know your week is now completely ruined. If it will make you feel better, here's the next best thing...

1. Part of my problem yesterday was that I worked a rare Thursday night concert (as did Jane). The venue where we serve as volunteers (8 years and counting now) hosted Wishbone Ash. If you're not familiar, they're a British band who not only achieved notable success in the early to mid-1970s, but are also considered pioneers of the harmony twin lead guitar sound. Click the link to read about them. It was a surprisingly small crowd (less than 100), but the mostly old heads who were there kept us hopping at the bar all night!
2. Thursday was also my first run in the snow this winter. I think I did 5 miles (+1), and while there wasn't any snow on the ground really, the last half was in big floaty flakes that creates such a serene setting, which is so, so peaceful.
3. Pictured above is my favorite and maybe single most essential piece of running gear. I've had this Brooks Canopy Jacket for three years, and I love it! It is super light and thin, so I can wear it most any season whether it's in wind, rain, snow, or sun. And for as thin as it is, it keeps me surprisingly warm provided I have the right layering beneath it. I also like that it has two snaps which allow me to unzip it when I warm up but keeps it from flapping about.
4. Speaking of running, today I logged 9 miles, so unless something crazy happens, it's looks like I will be ready for the Half Marathon Trail Run in a few weeks. I've actually been feeling really good since taking a couple weeks off after the marathon earlier this month.
5. As for reading, I'm about 2/3 through John Mark Comer's The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry. I have to admit, at first I was like, "Meh, I've read enough about this that I'm not sure this will be worthwhile." However, I must also admit that I was wrong. I am enjoying it, and finding it quite helpful. One little tidbit: Did you know that before Edison invented the lightbulb, the average person slept 11 hours a night? Craziness.
   
6. "Even if you don't have all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you don't want." (Bob Dylan on the advice his father gave him)

 Okay, hopefully you've forgiven me for yesterday by now. Although, word of warning, depending on how next week goes, we may have to call it a "holiday break." Eat as much as you want!

Two funerals (and a quick trip home)

It had been awhile since we've been to a funeral, much less two in one week! Ironically, my dad's funeral was four years ago today (in that hell known as djt's mishandling of a pandemic). But anyway...

This past weekend we made a quick trip back to Buda, then on to Vermont, Illinois, for my Aunt Mary's funeral. We left Saturday afternoon and stayed at my mom's that night, then Sunday the three of us drove down to my dad's hometown (the land of many Horwedels).

It was a nice day for a funeral, if there is such a thing (and I believe there is). It was sunny and calm in the mid-60s, which is an almost perfect Midwest November day. The viewing was at 2pm, funeral at 3pm, with a church meal following the cemetery burial. 

I grew up as sort of the oddball cousin on my mom's side of the family. We were one of the few families to move away, so all the other cousins grew up together. My sister and I were the 'outsiders.' There were only two sets of cousins on my dad's side: ours, and my Uncle Harold and Aunt Mary's three kids. I always felt much more 'at home' on this side of the family, and have many fond memories of visiting the farm and family. So it was a fairly comfortable day even for me, as these are some of the nicest people I know.

The funeral itself was even "nice," as my aunt had lived a long and full life, and it was a heartfelt and intimate service. Their family had been longtime members of this church community, the pastor knew them well, and there were many stories shared. You could sense the love and fellowship of values lived out and carried on. Not that any death is void of grief, but this service gave me much the same warm feeling I remember from a lifetime of shared holiday gatherings. I really like my cousin Lori and her husband, and enjoyed visiting with them, their children, and the rest of the family.

The other funeral... which was yesterday... was different.

We had only known her for the past 10 years or so, and didn't see her often, but when we did it was always good. The "two Janes" as we referred to them, clicked well and had often went out to lunch or breakfast. She was a counselor who had started and for many years ran a grief center (Kerith Brook), and I imagine she was good at it, because she just had that way about her of making you feel heard and known. 

Jane (yeah, same name as my wife) died suddenly and without warning. She'd been sick for a couple days with flu-like symptoms, and her longtime boyfriend/partner found her dead in bed. Already cold. I/we feel so bad for him, because he's a big guy with a soft heart and that's no image anyone should have to carry with them of their loved one.

There were many tears shared at this funeral on a cold and rainy day. The service went long because they opened it up for anyone who wanted to "say a few words." Some people just don't know when to stop. Maybe the worst thing, though, was whoever the undertaker was did THE WORST job I have ever seen! The body laying in the casket looked nothing like the person we remember.

Anyway, we came away feeling crummy because the end of her life and the funeral did not fit the kind of person she was at all. Not that it takes anything away from who she was, but it's too bad.

All this was sandwiched around my Jane having a very bad day at work. She found a coworker (who's office is next to hers) having a seizure out-of-the-blue. It was quite a traumatic event, and apparently they've attributed it to simply being "severely dehydrated." Um... I don't know about that. Wow!

So, it's been a week. And wouldn't you know, this morning we had a dusting of snow on the ground (which is already gone).

Winter is here. The cycle continues.

I'm reminded me of this piece by Frederick Beuchner:

"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you..."

 

Five things friday

And a dreary good Friday to you. Nothing says mid-November like gray skies, sprinkles, and naked trees. Yet, I still have (at least) five things to say...

1. Yesterday I logged my first run since the marathon on 11/2. Five miles (+1 walking). Almost two weeks off is the longest I've gone since... I dunno... maybe this time last year, or even longer ago than that. It went okay. The stamina and muscle memory were still there, but I started lifting weights and using the Assault stationary bike this past Monday and may have overdone it a bit. I was a bit sore from that, but am not feeling any effects from the run. I will take today off, and tomorrow shoot for 7-8-ish miles.
2. As long as all goes well I'm hoping to do this half marathon trail run December 14th. I probably shouldn't have taken this much time off, but it might be okay. The only real concern I have is my left achilles tendon and calf area. I've had trouble with that before, and it was a tad tender after the marathon, but so far it's holding up. I hope I can do it, because I've never done a trail run this long, nor have I ever been to this place. I've always wanted to. We'll see.
3. So, have you been keeping up with the news lately? Djt is already hogging the headlines again. Ugh. Of course, we all knew that was coming. That's what he does. What I'm not sure of is: does he do it just because he's that much of a narcissist, or is he a patsy in someone else's game and they know this distracts us while they do God-knows-whatever-else to try to take over the world? I don't trust the lot of them, and elon is at the top of the list. Even those who aren't purposely out to ruin the world, giving the benefit of the doubt, their god is not the same as mine, and they may have no idea the damage or trouble they are causing to countless others. But I'm not giving in. It really is "it is what it is." I'm trying to keep Ephesians 6 in mind as much as I can.
4. Speaking of which, I still contend it's not really "Christians" (meaning 'followers of Jesus') who are so on-board with djt and the Rs, but it's those who identify as christian because they are "American." It's not just me rolling my eyes every time a report comes out about "evangelical support for djt." I don't really believe they are evangelical Christians since most outright admit to little to no church attendance. They live under the delusion that being 'Merican makes them Christian, and I'm not sure they understand what that even means. But I'm only going to say that here - just between you and me - because I don't think Jesus would try to defend it either. In fact, maybe as a #4b, this morning I was lamenting how defensive and childish I got when I was dismissed from my role as pastor oh-so-many years ago. I wish now I'd just moved on and not said anymore about it. Yes, I/we needed to grieve, but that's as far as it needed to go. I reacted poorly and regret it. Live and learn, I guess.
5. "Lord, keep us from following the gods of pride, stubbornness, vanity, sloth, greed, and comfort that beckon for our allegiance every day. You brought us through the night watches, you who neither slumber nor sleep. We pray to follow you along the path of generosity, humility, and love throughout this day. Amen." (Common Prayer: ALFOR)

The pic at the top is my grandson, modeling for me how to react to the daily news (not necessarily how to respond to it). This one at the bottom is simply a humorous aside as I attempt to keep myself sane (we all know I don't bake). :)

Have a great weekend, and don't lose sleep (as much as you are able)!

Burning highlights

Have I mentioned that I finished 'A Burning in My Bones,' the Eugene Peterson biography written by Winn Collier? 

This was perhaps the best read for me at this time. Or, maybe any time. It's another of those "slows-me-down" books, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Sometimes I felt like maybe I'd read it before because parts were so familiar from reading Peterson's own works. I was reminded of some things I'd forgotten, but also learned some things I never knew (or knew I knew). More than anything, maybe, it made me want to be a pastor again. Not sure if I could muster it, but there's still a bit of a ... burning.

Anyway, as I may have mentioned, I read it on my kindle, and it didn't occur to me until well into the book that I could highlight sections, so below are some of my highlights. And don't get me started on how stupid Amazon has made it to retrieve these highlights! Like, why can't we just copy and paste them? Oh, I know, because that's how rich people/companies operate! Grhhhh. 

• (181) "Steve, yesterday, told me [about the view of ministry] and what he experienced here, where I am not trying to do very much, but am looking for what the Spirit is doing. Well, I'm glad he sees that and wants it. I think he knows, at least a little anyway, of how difficult it is -- but more of the difficulty is inward, the struggle to be here, stay out of the way, and to pray without forcing anything -- or running out and contradicting by action what I enter into by prayer." -EP
• (206) "...but if I cannot pray and run and read and write I cannot live." -EP
• (221) Virginia Owens told the group, "I wish someone took my writing seriously enough to want to kill me."
• (225) "Too many Christian ministers get impatient with slow learners and profoundly broken people like me. But Eugene didn't. He stayed around, confident that God would heal and restore and mend." And he did.
• (241) In one of his last courses, Eugene recounted, with his raspy voice, the sad contours of David's final years, how this man with such desire and fervor, such promise and intention, squandered the last part of his life. Eugene paused often. "He would just be very quiet," Cuba remembered. And then, after one long stillness, Eugene offered a single line: "We don't always finish so well." Eugene longed to finish well, to live a faithful life. To be consumed, to the end, by God's fiery love. To become a saint. And to finish the final miles, he would need to return to his quiet home. Eugene needed Montana.
• (264) These five books would be his heart and soul: Christ Plays in 10,000 Places. This is the basic book on biblical spiritual theology, which is foundational to all of the rest. Practice Resurrection. This is the course on spiritual formation using the book of Ephesians as the groundwork. Follow the Leader (later renamed The Jesus Way). This I would describe as a course on spiritual politics using aspects of leadership as they come into being in contrasting Jesus with Herod, Caiaphas, and Josephus. Tell It Slant. This is the course on spiritual direction, which is based on the parables. Eat This Book. This is the course on using scripture as the formative text for spirituality.
• (268) Apart from mentioning Hans Urs von Balthasar's Prayer as the best book on the subject and Edith Stein as a preeminent writer on contemplation, Eugene gave little advice on how to pray.
• (273) To be a pastor, he believed, means one must live with fear and trembling, to cling to hope in God even as she reckons with her own unsteady soul. To be a pastor requires immense humility and self-awareness, clinging to mercy like a drowning man grasps for a buoy. The strongest sign of authenticity in what you and I are doing is the inadequacy we feel most of the time.
• (275) "...a near pacifist but not doctrinaire." -EP
• (275) "Well, I want to be a pacifist," Eugene answered, "but I'm not sure I have enough courage."

There was plenty more I could have, and maybe should have, highlighted, but these are what I managed on this reading. 

Someday I would like to read the five books listed on p. 264 (I've read one, and maybe two, already). Actually, I've been thinking of signing up for a free trial of Audible, and maybe I could listen to them if I decide to do the Assault Bike this winter instead of running. It would be way cheaper, but I've never listened to a book before, so we'll see.

And, there ya have it. Now to decide what to read next. I have on deck: The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by Comer, The Narrow Path and Good and Beautiful and Kind by Villodas, and Where Your Treasure Is by Peterson (plus several others laying around the house and on kindle). I'd like to do one or three more by the end of the year. Guess I better get started...

Death as birth...

"Death is only part of the process of life." - from The Lakota Way

 It's been a couple days. As in, it seems much has taken place.

We took our "date night" last night because it's the only night available this week. We had one glass of wine too many and were home by 7:30. Then I had the strangest phone call. It was from a friend of Jane's, whose name is also Jane. Except it wasn't her. It was her longtime boyfriend/partner. I didn't understand what he was saying at first, and he finally just blurt out, "Jane's dead." Ugh. We've been friends for 10-15 years or so, used to go to church together, work concerts together, hang out at summer events together. They were slightly younger than us, but it seemed we shared a lot of some deeper-type stuff. It was a punch in the gut, and I still feel somewhat hollow this afternoon.

This morning, then, I get another strange call. My mom. Uh-oh. She never calls mid-week. I guess my aunt Mary passed away earlier today. She has been in a nursing home for a number of years, so this one is likely as much relief as shock, but still. To top it off, though, in a way I think perfectly describes my memory of her and her late husband when they were alive, it is apparently his birthday today! So I'm guessing they are partying like never before!

While not exactly the same, I also finished Winn Collier's' biography of Eugene Peterson (A Burning In My Bones) this morning. Wow, what a wonderful book, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It ends, of course, with the end of Eugene's life. The controversy at that time was so tragic, but the picture Winn painted of the man and his family, ever so tender. And, it made me think of my dad - his death, and the tragedy of how it happened. I cried for the first time in what seems like a long time.

They say deaths usually come in threes. I'm hoping Eugene's passes as the third. It seemed like a lot for a period less than 24 hours...

Anyway, it reminded me to take a look at my post from about a year ago: "Death Notes." That's where the title of this post is from, in these words written by James Bryan Smith:

Death is really another birth. Imagine telling a baby in the womb, attached to an umbilical cord, "Hey, guess what? You are about to enter into a bright new world with sound and light and air and brilliant colors. You will be able to see and smell and taste for the first time. There are mountains and sunflowers and sandy beaches... a lot of beautiful things out here. You're gonna have to let go of that umbilical cord. In fact, we're gonna snip it. Don't worry. You'll be fine after a few moments of crying." I think our death is something like that. It is actually a birth into a brighter, more aromatic, more delicious, more beautiful world than the one we now know...

 

Peace, my friends; in, and out.

Five things friday

I'm just going to wing this, folks. It's Friday, and I feel like I need to write something - for myself more than anything - so we'll see what happens. Off the top o' my head...

1. I gotta say, I'm a little hurt, or resentful, or something, by the social media posts I've seen blaming Christians for how the election turned out. I mean, I get it, because I think there are a lot of people who consider themselves Christians, or were/are "church"-type people, who voted for him. But it may be a misrepresentation, or at least not a full representation. I know plenty of pastors and Christians, and I can't think of too many at all that were/are trump supporters. Anyway, I know this is how it goes, but just between you and me, it kinda bothers me. I'm sure I'll survive. I'm also not a big fan of people who are saying, "Oh, get over it, it's not like YOUR life is going to change." That may or may not be true, but there are people I know whose lives WILL be changed! It seems a rather insensitive and unkind sentiment to me.
   
2. While I'm on this transparency roll, I also have to say I'm a little nervous about getting out among the other humans. I'm still a bit unsettled, and not sure how I'll react in the presence of those who... are not. We went out to eat both Tuesday and Wednesday night - mostly because we wanted a drink, but also because it's just a bit of a challenge to hold things together right now - and I was a little surprised at how 'festive' the environment was. It's still pretty somber here at home with me and the cat.
3. I read three books about how to deal with politics in a "Christian" way prior to the election: The Spirit of Our Politics, How To Have An Enemy, and The After Party. They were all very helpful, maybe even in different ways, and I'd hate to think what I would be like had I not read them! One of these days I will get around to writing about each book here.
4. Currently I'm reading Winn Collier's biography of Eugene Peterson, A Burning in My Bones. I've had this for awhile on Kindle (it's the main reason I wanted to get a new Kindle when the old one broke). Just since Tuesday I'm already about halfway through it (which is fast reading for me). At first I thought maybe I'd already read it and forgotten, but I think it simply contains some things Eugene had shared in some of his books and other writings, so it seems very familiar. That's not a bad thing. The pic at the top is one of the endorsements, from John Mark Comer. It's been a nice way to keep my mind occupied elsewhere. Also, he's the kind of pastor/person I want to be!
5. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." -Jesus (John 14:27)

Well, here we go, friends. That's about all I've got (other than I did finally mow the lawn/leaves yesterday). Peace.