Monday, December 23, 2013

What has god been teaching me lately...

Awhile back someone left an anonymous comment on a post and they said they would like to hear what God has been teaching me. I didn't respond, but I have been thinking about it a lot. First off, one thing God has taught me this summer/fall is that everyone who calls you their "friend" actually isn't.

Other than that, I guess if I'm honest, I don't really know what God has been teaching me lately. I know I used to be really busy this time of year, but this year I am not. At all. And that makes me sad. I'm feeling rather lonely (not alone, but lonely); I'm feeling fairly unnecessary; I'm feeling alienated and abused; I'm feeling like a failure. I have felt better, but I'm in a bit of a low spot at the moment. Which doesn't mean I don't have good times too, but I just seem a bit lost.

A good friend of mine has asked me to speak at his church a couple times (the only person that's asked me to speak since May, btw). I think it's mostly because he is concerned and wants to try to help me "get back on the horse." I really appreciate the gesture, but I just can't picture myself preaching anymore. It kind of scares me. I seem to feel more hurt and abandoned now than before. So... I don't know... maybe God has provided me a plant to provide some shade (and shielding) for a time and I just haven't noticed it. I don't really know. I feel pretty disconnected at the moment.

There, "friend," that's about all I've got. Sorry.

2 comments:

MR said...

I've always found it ironic that both the best and worst people I have met have all been regular church-goers. The church, as a building, covers such a wide range of people, with a huge gap where the bell curve should be. The best people seeking to better themselves and be recognized by their creator, and the most evil ones using the reputation of the church for camouflage. I almost expect some reaction from nature itself with those two kinds of people being in such proximity. So polarized that electricity should arc when they walk past each other. Passive aggressive sociopaths seem drawn to the cross like a magnet.

I know it was very disturbing for me to find out those people exist. And again to realize how tentative the connection is between people today. I think I fell back to a reinforced position to regroup and then just stayed there.

While I'm sure I don't know the half of it, I, for one am glad you're out of there and exploring better avenues. Whatever the future holds, I believe it will be better in hindsight.

dan horwedel said...

Thanks, Mike. I think you're absolutely right too.