Homesick

Well, I'm back "home." Even though I just got back from being "home." When will I ever be home? Do I have a home?

Got back to my current residence last night (I call it rural Fort Wayne, Indiana - just south of the airport). I am always a little bummed whenever I get back from visiting the place I lived for the first 34 years of my life. Buda, Illinois isn't much of a town, but it's my roots you know. It's where most of my memories are - as bad as a lot them are. And maybe that's part of the problem... going "home" brings back some of the best memories I've ever had, but also some of the worst memories. So there's a lot of inner turmoil. Comfort, but also an uneasiness. Stuff I want to think about; stuff I don't ever want to think about again. And just when I think I've come to grips with everything... boom goes the dynamite, you know.

But... it was a pretty good visit. I wish I'd had more time to visit with Kevin Kopp, Keith Barnett, Jim Hewitt, and I saw Brian Grubb in church. He was a classmate, good friend, and we even lived together briefly in this dump of a place in Kewanee right after high school. It had a crooked stairway and you had to step over drunks to get to our two room apartment that had a toilet and tub in the closet. I hadn't seen him for probably 15 years. Wished I could have visited more. He designs resorts and lives in Wyoming. Said he has a pretty easy life: makes lots of money, goes snowboarding, rock-climbing, has a young, nice-looking girlfriend. But there's a "but" to all that stuff too. So, who knows.

Anyway, church at Bunker Hill was better than expected. Fred is a good guy. Most of the people there are really good people too. They helped form and shape me (it's not their fault though). :) I could really handle just "attending" church more than I do. It's not that I don't like being a pastor, but I don't like being solely responsible for everything. And I'm not sure how to get out of this situation.

I was reading where Bono said Bob Dylan gave him some good advice on handling "celebrity status." And I am by no means a celebrity, but it was more dealing with how to handle expectations. Dylan said you have to let people down on a regular basis. You can't try to live up to people's expectations or it will kill you, or drive you to do stupid, unhealthy things. I can really relate to that. Too often I think I have to fulfill someone's expectations - even if they are false. It's a hard place to be. Because I want to please people. But it does no good to always please people if I am always miserable. And it can be hard to find that balance. You know, especially for me, because I'm not naturally a people person. I need space. I'm difficult. I get moody and don't always make sense. But I've got to learn to accept that. If you don't accept yourself and love yourself... you'll be miserable. And I'm much better than I used to be. I still wish it were easier though.

Well, my mail icon is flashing and it's driving me crazy. Later.