I preach every Sunday and sometimes I tell people things they should do or believe… and I don’t practice them or live by my words myself. Oh, it’s not that I intentionally try to deceive people. But the truth is… there are certain things that I ‘want’ to believe about God… about the Bible… about humanity… but the reality is – I don’t honestly know. Or, there are some things that I really do believe, but it’s just as hard for me to trust in those beliefs as it is for everyone else. I mean, I sure hope I will go to heaven when I die; I sure hope a life of faith is more about a relationship than religious rituals; I sure hope it’s okay to still sin and all that. But do I know beyond a shadow of a doubt? Hmm.
I preach what I believe to be true, but I do not claim to know all truth. I preach from my relationship with God, but I don’t claim to have a perfect relationship. I preach from my beliefs, but I do not always live them because I am as human as the next person. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe at all. It might mean I am messed up. It might mean I am inadequate to speak for God. It probably means a lot of things, but it is what it is.
Perhaps what’s worse than the fact that I ‘have’ lied, is the fact that I will almost assuredly continue to lie. I am sure I will still say things like, “Oh, that’s alright;” “It doesn’t bother me;” “Don’t worry about it;” “I’m not upset;” and the biggie of all biggies… “They’re in a better place.” There are a whole host of things I WANT to be true, I want to believe… but…. you know.
It is depressing. Because I really hate it when people lie to me. And they do. I think Pastors are probably lied to more than any other people-group. So it hurts me to admit that I do it too.
Lord, hear my prayer: “I do believe; [but] help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)
5 comments:
Hmm.. this reminds me of that one night:
M: "Dan, did you see those 4 singles I laid down for the tip?"
D: "They're in a better place--my wallet."
[all above is completely contrived]
The fact that you doubt and question makes you human. While teaching, if there was a question that I had to mislead for job reasons and rationale, I declined to answer the question. Otherwise I was honest, though honesty is the tougher road.
I find that people who "know" especially about the 'unknowable' aren't honest people as a general rule. You, however, answer with the best hope and knowledge that you have, regardless of your own doubts. You are trying, which is really what people want anyway ... effort, hope, compassion.
I'm sure, if this is an issue with you, you will find a resolution. Generally, I found that some questions, I just didn't like my answer, so I didn't want to give it. You don't always have that choice.
Sadly, people wouldn't understand, "I don't know because no one can; it's what's known as faith", and it would fall flat, making you appear bad, while you are honest and good.
Some people only want the lie.
mdh,
So very true. And faith IS what it's all about anyway (at least in regards to religion). Great point about some only wanting the lie too. Thanks for sharing.
MR,
Actually... I did take that four dollars! (juuuust kidding) ;)
We're ALL a bunch of liars in some way, shape or form, and if we can't admit that, then we're just lying to ourselves. I LOVE the prayer in Mark, because it assures me I'm not the "only one" (as does your post, as does anyone willing to be h o n e s t about their deceit...lol, what a paradox!)
Robin,
Paradox, indeed. I like that word. :)
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