I am discouraged. Yes, I’m depressed too. That’s a given; that I know; but the discouragement is driving me crazy. It’s like I’m angry, and I don’t know how I got here. I’m pretty sure I’m holding the steering wheel though. I’m getting further from where I was, and I don’t know if I need to turn around, or if I need to get further away.
I don’t know how much longer I can preach. It’s not so difficult to write a message, but I am losing energy, and passion, and even concern during delivery. I can see them, you know. I’m not a mind reader, but… body language is discernible. Although… now that I think about it, that’s not even it. It is not the fault of the listeners – or even those who are not listening. It is me. I am tired. I am uncertain. I am… well, it just cannot be good when a speaker feels they are glazing over. And I can blame it on someone or something else, but… I know it’s not true. The wheel is in my hand.
And perhaps that’s the problem. Perhaps it’s time to give up. I have tried; I have given it my best shot. I simply cannot create community. I cannot build a church. I cannot develop leaders. I cannot lead. Crash-test dummy.
In Darryl Tippens’ book “Pilgrim Heart” he quotes Bonhoeffer who reminds us, “When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.” Then Tippens says,
“True discipleship is costly – both to pocketbook and ego. Jesus’ way leads downward, to the place of the poor, the marginalized, and the dispossessed.” He goes on to write (140): “Nouwen confesses in The Road To Daybreak, ‘Everything in me wants to move upward. Downward mobility with Jesus goes radically against my inclinations, against the advice of the world surrounding me, and against the culture of which I am a part.’ While there can and should be great joy in seeking one’s calling, one must be on guard when one’s apparent call turns out to be a mere expression of the American Dream – the promise of more money, more prestige, and more creature comforts.”
Hmm. Just so you know, I am not writing this for your reading pleasure. I am not giving advice or suggesting this is true of anyone – please, just let me work out my own stuff, okay. But maybe this is my problem: Maybe I’ve been driving when I should be riding. Yes, I know it sounds cliché. I’m sure many of you are shaking your head saying, “Well, duh, Dan.” Screw you!
I dunno… maybe that’s where the anger comes from. I see the ditch, and I want someone to take the wheel from me; to warn me. I want someone to holler from the back seat. Perhaps I’m waiting for someone else to be God; and I forgot that He doesn’t take the wheel from us… Until we give it to Him. Surrender. I. All.
I’m so tired. Here. Take the wheel… please.
I just remembered one way I used to practice patience. I would force myself to ride with other people – let them drive instead of me.
Yeah. I dunno.
8 comments:
I think it was Smalley who was talking about the disciples in the storm when Jesus was asleep in the boat. He pointed out how our faith in Jesus affects our approach to tough situations. He wonders how the disciples might have acted had they had faith that Jesus would keep them safe. Would they have enjoyed the ride instead of being scared to death? Would they have grabbed a rope and gone swinging over the side, just for the fun of it, instead of being frustrated that Jesus didn't seem to care?
Tom,
Yeah... I think that has a lot to do with it. I admit I have a hard time making sense of 'letting Jesus take the wheel' and being called to 'carry on the mission.' I think I too often see others swinging over the side having fun, and I feel like I'm the only one that gives a damn... you know, 'cause somebody's got to row the boat. Maybe a nice nap in the stern is in order.
No advice from me, just want you to know I often feel the same way.
Having fun doesn't mean they don't care or aren't working. I find that I can get pretty down on someone who isn't doing what I think they should be doing. It is easy to find fault with it in an attempt to illegitmize (ok, so that's maybe not a word) it. In actuality they may be doing something great in mission terms. It's just that I don't have much of a passion for it.
By the way, I usually don't say anything and let you stew when these things hit you but I just feel like yapping today for some reason.
I know you didn't want advice, but I have to say you'd better hide this before Jane gets home. She thinks you're pretty good at what you do and she'll hit you with a chair if she sees this.
We are not a patient people. We have goals, dreams, aspirations of a better world, and we care! We get frustrated, angry, discouraged and burnt out when we don't seem to be making progress. It happens to me and almost everyone I counsel during the workday. Hang in there! You are not alone.
Sis
Dan, you don't know me from Adam, so pardon my barging in here. I offer no cures. I just want to address one thing you said:
"I simply cannot create community. I cannot build a church. I cannot develop leaders. I cannot lead."
I call b------t on that. Why? Because I've been reading your blog for a while now, and have found some things worth listening to, especially your post on forgiving the church. Sure, someone reading something in the blogosphere is not the same as influencing local community, local leaders, local church. I am just Joe Random on the net, and I know that. But what I am saying is there is a spark in your writing that makes me follow your posts with interest. I have to believe that spark is much more evident in person.
So I am not going to end with any encouraging words other than to say I have to believe you have more impact on your family, friends, church and community than you think.
God's blessings,
Jim
Thanks for the comments everyone. It's always nice to hear from friends.
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