I just counted my prayer list: 184 names. The list hangs on the wall in front of my desk so I am sure to see it everyday. Please understand that I am not bragging by any means. I’m just saying… I have a list of 184 names that I go through every day (with a few *items* as well). Most of them are the people who call me pastor (and our church theirs). Some are friends in ministry elsewhere. Some are just friends. Some are people I don’t really even know, but for some reason feel compelled to lift their name before Almighty God.
I try to pray for these people every day. Honestly though, some days I forget; some I just don’t feel like it; and on more days than I care to mention, sometimes I just look at the list of names. Blank.
Maybe I don’t even do it for God’s sake, or for their sake. What if I’m just doing it for myself? You know, to legitimize my existence; my paycheck. It often amazes people that I can remember their name. It’s not because I necessarily have a good memory, but if you look at someone’s name each day, and visualize their face, and think about their life, and ask God to bless them… it’s really not that hard. I kind of feel like I am getting to know them.
But I often hear I need to get out more. I need to get together with people and play basketball, or to *do lunch*, or chat over coffee. You know – socialize and develop relationships. To be perfectly honest – that scares the hell out of me. I’m just not good in one-on-one situations. So maybe I’m really just hiding and trying to justify it as “my contribution.” Some people have even called me lazy, and maybe they’re right.
Perhaps… I know… perhaps this is what God has *called* me to. Maybe it does make a difference. And maybe the biggest difference it makes IS in my life. And maybe that’s of use somehow in the grand scheme. And maybe the devil is just trying to plant this seed in my head. But today…. Today it feels like I am losing.
And… please… understand that I am not asking for any answers. I am merely thinking out loud. The last thing I want is for someone to try to cheer me up. It’s not about that at all. It’s just that…. maybe it’s just that it’s late September. I don’t know. The days are supposed to be getting shorter, but they sure do seem long.
I’m just wondering. Wandering maybe.
4 comments:
I thought I was the only one who thought "bad" things about prayer. Not really bad, but you know how people get when you doubt things about things like prayer.
I keep finding more and more places though where people talk about how their spontaneous prayer life seems meaningless. I feel like in our denomination, or rather, evangelicals as a whole, really emphasize spontaneous prayer and frown upon traditional prayers. However, and I know I'm not the only one, I really feel like saying the Lord's Prayer in the morning has changed my life. Jesus said to pray like that, ya know. And I don't think it's meaningless to read someone else's prayers at all. For me, it's much much better.
I don't know. I suck and spontaneous praying and I dont' really even see the point. I mean, I know we're supposed to talk to God but I don't really feel like what we say makes that much of a difference.
I hope know one casts me to hell for this. And I'm probably making it sound a lot worse that what I really think.
I thought 'Praying With The Church" was an outstanding book. Especially for those of us who don't know much about fixed-hour praying and such.
Another book I liked, similar to that, was 'The Sacred Way' by Tony Jones. Often, when I don't know what to pray or to do, I'll use the 'Jesus Prayer': "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
No casting here. :) And I'm probably making mine sound worse than it is too.
I happen to KNOW you don't socialize with any normal people.
Does prayer count if you do it out loud? If God is allowed to answer prayers any way he feels like (and, He's God, sure he can), then he's allowed to use other people. I wouldn't say I'm praying, but the more I communicate a hope or a plan I have, the more the people around me refine it, or sometimes completely fix it. The need meets the resource. Of course, you could say that's just plain "networking" but maybe the faith makes all the difference.
MR,
Good point about God answering prayers any ol' way he feels like. And, yes, I try to steer clear of normal people. :)
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