This morning started out fairly normal. Then I had a message that the 18 year-old son of a couple in my church was being taken to the hospital. The boy lived with his mother and didn't attend our church, but I headed straight there nonetheless. I didn't find out until I arrived that he had been shot and killed. Ugh.
What do you say to a room full of people looking at their bloody dead son/grandson/brother/nephew/cousin/friend?
I am not good in these situations. Basically I just stood around and cried off and on. I hugged people when I could. Looked at the floor a lot. Prayed. I dunno... I remember once before when I was called in after a teenager had been killed. I hardly knew anyone at that time, and one of the family members asked me what the hell I was doing there if I was just going to stand around and be worthless. He has since apologized, but... I just don't know what to do in these situations. It's hard to even speak without crying. I can't imagine what it's like for his parents.
Apparently he and some friends were messing around, and... things happen. I feel so, so bad for the kid who pulled the trigger. From all accounts it was an accident. I feel bad for the parents. If it hadn't been an accident it would be easier to blame someone. I feel bad for everybody. What do you do?
What do you do...
8 comments:
I am so sorry. In spite of your previous experience, usually people in tragedy and grief find the presence of others comforting. Your presence speaks love and care when words are meaningless. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the family.
Wow. My prayers are with you. I can't imagine what it might be like to walk into such a situation. I have to agree with Grace. Just being there means a lot to a family going through something so sudden ... trust me, that's been made totally apparent to me in recent months. And you may think that what you said wasn't important or comforting or whatever, but that may not be how it is received.
I don't know, Dan, but I think maybe a lot has changed since that first time. You know these people now and they know you and they know that you love them and care about them and that when you are standing around looking at the floor you are really taking on part of their burden. The fact that it isn't easy for you (if there's somebody that this is easy for, I don't ever want them around me should tragedy strike) makes your contribution all the more important. I can't imagine this kind of grief and I can't imagine how this particular family is going to deal with it. But I'm pretty sure they need you, not so much to do something, but to be something. Just present, maybe. And I'm with you that of all the people who need prayers in this, that kid who was holding the gun - what kind of pain must that be? Grace and peace as you hold up your part of this load.
Sounds like you did it, Dan. If it were me, I'd want a pro there launching up prayers after their soul, and to remind me that its not over for them. And if they arrive a little disoriented, someone up there will see the note pinned to them saying they were loved, they are missed, and to please take care of them. I have no doubt that boy was properly represented by you.
What do you do?
What you did.
There's ministry in the company of tears. Your open display of feeling their pain with them spoke more than words could have. Sometimes mere presence is enough...probably more often than we realize.
The thing I most DON'T understand is God can use this...IS using this to change lives; even in the midst of unimaginable tragedy and subsequent grief, he can use it for the advance of the gospel and ultimately for his glory.
Praying towards that end...
Dan, I can tell you that presence really does help - probably more than you could ever know.
Remember the morning I called you about my sister's wreck? You didn't know my family members but you came. You came and you prayed and you were there. I needed you to be there and you were. My mom was immensely grateful and touched that you would come. We didn't know if my sister was going to live or talk or walk again. There really is nothing you can say to people in tragic situations to make them feel better. It just sucks. But, you were there. Dan, you were there and that is what mattered.
More than once I've been in the kind of situation you describe. It seems to me that if a minister ever becomes comfortable and confident of what to say in a time like that, then he's almost certainly in the wrong line of work.
Thank you all for your insights and encouragement. It means a lot.
peace.
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