Yesterday was another one of those 'I don't know how much longer I can do this' days. There seem to be more and more of them. And the thoughts that leap into my head seem to be more and more of long lost friends from another time and place. I'm beginning to wonder if I fit. Anywhere.
It started off right from the beginning yesterday. At 4:52 I woke up and had an anxiety like I haven't had in quite some time. Not an anxiety 'attack', but I just had this panic about me... what if what happened last week happened again this week; what if people I was depending on didn't show again; what if, what if, what if. I didn't really think I was THAT stressed out last Sunday, but I think I was more than I knew it. And I just don't know how much longer I can take it. The feeling that no one gets anything I do. And what's worse is I don't know if I get it anymore.
I actually had to lock myself in my office when people started arriving. I honestly didn't know if I was going to be able to get up in front of people. I've felt this before a time or two, but not quite like this.
Part of the deal is... I am really starting to question whether any of it is worth it. And it's not that I don't believe it's worth it. It is to me. I need a faith community to be a part of. I'm just not sure anyone else sees that. And that maybe the problem is because I'm not able to show it to people.
I don't know.
Of course, to top things off... this week we have a Maundy Thursday service, I'm preaching at the community Good Friday service, there is an Easter Egg Hunt, and Sunday is Easter. Judging from the number of people who told me they will be out of town Easter Sunday, it could be one of our lower attended Sundays of the year. That seems about right anymore. And it's not that I don't understand people going away for spring break and whatnot. But it just seems like nobody cares. And why would they? I don't know if I know anymore.
For Maundy Thursday I had pretty much decided against doing the Stations of the Cross. But this morning I got a wild hair and went ahead and set it up anyhow. We'll start out with a soup and bread meal in the basement. We will take communion using the bread. Then for those who want to practice the ordinance of feetwashing we will have the ladies go to one area and the guys go to another. For those not washing feet, they can go ahead and start walking through the Stations of the Cross in the sanctuary. Everybody else can when they're done, or they can just leave. For the Stations I have a maze of spots weaving through the sanctuary - fourteen of them - and it's dark, except there is a candle beside each picture of the station, along with a brief description and a prayer you can read or say. I will likely have the soundtrack from The Passion of the Christ playing. People seem to like it. I'm only expecting 10 or 12 though. Easter week is pretty meaningless to most people - especially this day.
On Good Friday I will be preaching at the neighboring Methodist church. My sermon title is: 'It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Dying).' You can feel free to guess the song reference (this one's pretty easy). This won't be one of those happy sermons. We need a little more dyin' in the church, ya know.
I don't even want to talk about the Easter Egg Hunt. I have not wanted to do this for the past several years. I mean... where do candy and bunnies fit between Jesus dying and rising? Whatever.
I expect Easter Sunday to be a perfect disaster. We go the simple route - we have a breakfast at 9 am and the regular worship gathering from 10~11. People will be excited about breakfast, then I'm sure I will be depressed because no one will be there for the worship gathering. And I just don't know if I can make myself seem like everything is alright anymore.
I dunno. I'm sure I'll be fine. Somehow it always works out. If anyone is still reading, I'm sorry this is such a downer post. I hate being like this. I hate writing this. I know you hate reading drivel like this. But that's why this is a 'personal' blog. Some people like to see a train wreck, I guess.
Last night Jane and I watched 'Across the Universe.' It wasn't at all like I thought it would be. I don't really know if I even liked it or didn't like it... I just kept thinking about some stuff. Stuff I can't really write about. I feel very unsure. Weird.
It's alright...
12 comments:
I think there's something in the water. I had some major anxiety issues friday morning, friday evening and saturday evening as well.
It was the Bible's fault - well, not really (I'm also reading Jesus for President). But I was being very overwhelmed with how much the world sucks and how it seems like no o ne understands.
This weather sure doens't help.
At least your kids will be home this weekend. :)
Thanks Carrie. I know what you mean about being overwhelmed. And not only the fact that it seems no one else understands things, but it seems I do least of all. Argh.
Looking forward to seeing you this weekend! :)
Well, you guys are not alone. I have felt the same way lately. It culminated in a trip to the hospital where I was totally alone, dropped off by my soon-to-be ex-husband, left over night with a red buzzer to push that was responded to in about an hour, by a Dr. with such a heavy accent I couldn't understand her, who asked me if I had diahrea!?>! Some days life really sucks!
Big Sis
You write - "Easter week is pretty meaningless to most people." Is it?
This week is Holy Week - the most important week in the life of the Christian community. More important then Christmas. The birth of a baby means the death of a man - and His miserable death has saved us!
You write - you need a faith community - yet you speak of "the dreaded Methodist church that doesn't like me (and the feeling is mutual.)And you wonder why people do not come to your services?
Sir, I've never met you! Yet I found this blog while seaching for...a church.
What conclusions may people draw once they read your rants?
What you send on the web can be seen by ALL!
Pastor, you can and must do better!
So only 12 show up for a foot washing - did not the Savior change the world by washing 12 men's dirty feet?
We are called to be...FAITHFUL! Period!
Yes Dan, really! You can and must do beter.
What will people think?
Surely you have tarnished the good Lord's reputation and the entire clerical profession with your imperfection.
Perhaps a cone like Bogey's would help.
Remember the fate of the world hangs in the balance, so blog responsibly.
Oh brother! Anonymous must walk into theatres in the middle of the movie and stand there yelling "THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!" While everyone throws popcorn at him.
Anonymous, you're speaking to a better man, so I'd lose that condescending tone if I were you. We express ourselves freely here, frustration and all, if you don't like it, keep surfin'.
Call me crazy but this post and these comments made me feel (after I stopped laughing. MR, you rock)kind of hopeful. Hopeful that someone I admire and respect is struggling with huge issues and isn't afraid to try to find answers. That blogging friends rally around each other just like "normal" friends when someone is out of line and way off base. That the start of new, better, wild and wonderful things almost always grow from disappointing endings of something else. Hopeful, yeah, I think that's it.
Well how 'bout that. Hehe. Some innaresting comments.
Deb,
Yeah, that sounds like it does suck.
Grace,
You know that sarcasm is going to get you in trouble one of these days. ;)
MR,
How odd is that... I am actually using that 'walking into the middle of a movie' illustration in my Good Friday sermon. Ha!
Joan,
Only you could find the positive side of this. :) Thanks.
Don't you all go gettin' all sappy on me, but... I love you guys.
Anonymous,
If I didn't know better I would think this sounded like someone with the name 'Felicia.'
At any rate, I can appreciate your comments (I'm assuming comments #4 & 5 are both yours). I would even love to converse with you about these things sometimes.
However, I don't honestly put a lot of stock in someone who wants to talk about integrity and accountability but then leaves ANONYMOUS comments on strangers blogs.
If you really are looking for a church, I wish you well. If you care to discuss it further... I would be more than happy to chat.
Peace & blessings.
Maybe great minds just think alike but I'm glad you post things like this - with you as my pastor and with you as my dad.
If I was looking for a church your blog would be something I would be looking for. I think the pastor's I like most are pastor's who are real, who say out of the box things, who are honest and who aren't afraid to admit that sometimes things just suck. (I visited Nate Buck's church this past Sunday and he had a realness to him that was very similar to yours).
So please don't stop with the honest posts. I can understand why they are discouraging to some people but I think that they are beneficial to our church and to those of us who like Fairview and what you do as a leader there.
There are very few places in this world where I am more comfortable than in the front row at 5511 Yoder Road.
Carrie,
That's interesting about Nate. I don't know if you remember or not, but he and I led worship together at the very first few services when Crosspoint started. Small world. Tell him 'hi' if you see him again. If he remembers who I am.
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