Friday, March 25, 2016

A hollow holy week

Holy Week had always been one of my favorite weeks of the year. It was certainly my favorite time of the "Christian" year. The re-living of the events of Jesus life prior to and into his resurrection helped me identify with him in ways that resonated deep within my heart, mind, and soul. I loved the intimacy of Maundy Thursday, the sincerity of Good Friday, the solemnity of Silent Saturday, and the joy of Easter Sunday. I had even developed a David Gilmour liturgy of songs for each of the days that - at least to me - was quite magnificent culturally and religiously.

This year, though...... This year I'm just not feeling it for some reason. In one of our small groups we were asked to help with a Good Friday "stations" type of setup for our church... and I shied away from it. We did nothing Thursday, and my parents will be here Sunday. We're still not sure where we will even go to church Sunday morning - it probably doesn't matter. I will also not be posting the Gilmour liturgy for the first time in several years.

I'm not entirely sure what the issue is. It doesn't have anything to do with the fact that Jane has to work Thursday and Friday. I think it's mostly just a deep sadness at missing things like this. These were my favorite services to plan and prepare. I loved the process and the way it felt like I was actually living 'with' Jesus; experiencing what he'd experienced. Trying to go there now just isn't the same, and, honestly, there's probably still some pain involved in reminding myself of... then. There are so many regrets...

So, this Holy Week, I am feeling pretty hollow. I miss these elements of church community perhaps more than anything. My atheist friend even offered to work for me today (Good Friday). Meh, I didn't go into detail, but I told him "no thanks." I suppose it's just another day.